Moby Weapon - Part I
Disclaimer: I don't own anyone who appears in this story. They all belong to Squaresoft.
Notes: Well, the pairings'll be pretty obvious as you read this. Still, I might as well warn you about them right away, just so you don't accidentally expose yourself to my warped ideas. Cloud/Tifa, Vincent/Yuffie, Cid/Shera, Ifrit/Shiva biases lie herewithin. [Blinks] Okay, so they aren't warped. At least, not uniquely so. Except for that last one. [Shakes head] What can I say? I'm a sucker for opposites attracting. :o)
Obsession is a dangerous phenomenon. It can take hold in an instant, stealing thought of all else from the mind of a previously sane individual. It can dominate all areas of that person's life. It can destroy relationships with friends and family in one fell swoop. It is the sort of thing that can come out of nowhere to rob a person's life of all real joy, and fill it with the illusion of joy, a wild, heady, intoxicating, but fleeting brand of joy that will destroy a person, lead them into...madness.
[Cue cheesy thunder and lightning effects.]
Such was the case with Cid Highwind, captain of the fine vessel, (wait for it...wait for it...) the Highwind.
One fateful day, while flying aimlessly about the world and trying to decide upon a course of action, which, more than one of the heroes commented beneath their breath, they seemed to be doing an awful lot of lately, the Highwind and its illustrious crew came upon something.
Something...large.
Something...evil.
"What in the hell is that?" Cid barked at the young, far too enthusiastic Learner Pilot.
"I don't know..." Learner Pilot admitted with a frown. Then he brightened, gazing hopefully up at his captain. "Can I ram it? Huh? Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh?"
"#$#%$%$#$%, yeah!" Cid exclaimed, rubbing his hands together and cackling in devious delight. "I'm pretty sure that's that Ultimate Weapon we've heard so much about. Heh...let's see how it stands up to the Highwind! Yeah!"
It was at about this point that, heaving a long sigh, Vincent left his steadfast position and stalked toward the hall. As he went, he withdrew a bottle of pills from his pocket.
'Gravol,' he reflected silently. 'She'll need these more than I will...'
As the dark-haired man disappeared through the doorway, the ship picked up speed, lurching through the air toward the massive purple winged beast.
"Ooh...this really sucks!" Yuffie managed to choke out before diving once more for a nearby trash can as another wave of nausea loomed over the horizon...metaphorically speaking, of course.
Setting the little bottle of tablets aside, Vincent hastened to hold her hair back as she upended the entire contents of her stomach into the aforementioned trashcan.
At this point, Cloud sauntered past, came to a halt at this rather odd scene, and back-pedaled.
"Hey, you two," he greeted, making a mental note to find out later why it was necessary for Vincent to be holding back the tiny girl's hair, when the odd series of braids that she kept it tied into, not to mention her headband, seemed to take care of it well enough.
"Hello, Cloud," the tall man called wearily, reaching for the bottle of Gravol and pressing it into Yuffies's hand. "Try a few of those. They should help a little."
"Either that, or knock you out so cold, you won't know the difference," Cloud added with a shrug.
"Oh, 'ey, Spiky," Yuffie called absently before nearly ripping the lid from the poor little bottle and downing several of the tiny yellow tablets.
"Uh...you might wanna slow down on those," Cloud suggested, raising an eyebrow. "They're...kinda strong..."
As the ship rapidly gained, then lost altitude, she groped for the trashcan, and proceeded to undo all the hard work it had been to swallow the damn pills.
"Then again, it mightn't matter at all," Vincent observed with a barely perceptible smile.
"So, how's it goin'?" Cloud asked kindly and foolishly. For all his kindness, he was repaid only by two frosty glares, and a bitingly sarcastic demand of,
"How do you think, doofus?"
I shall leave it to the reader to decide who voiced this response.
Almost as though to punctuate the question, the ship chose that moment to make a sharp right turn, and then come to a dead halt.
"Ack!" Yuffie whimpered, watching sadly as the rest of the precious Gravol tablets bounced over the floor and down the vents in the corner. "YOUR UPPANCE WILL COME, LEARNER PILOT! No autograph for you! NO AUTOGRAPH!"
Meanwhile, at the controls of the massive ship, Learner Pilot's brow wrinkled.
"What's up?" Cid demanded.
"Did you just hear someone shouting that...my uppance will come?"
"Hey, don't worry yer ass about that. People tell me that all the time, an' ain't never happened yet," the blond man confided comfortingly. Then he scowled at the beast. "Now go ram the hell out of it!"
"Yessir!" Learner Pilot exclaimed jubilantly, sending the ship lurching forward once again.
"I'm really gonna kill him as soon as I meet him," Yuffie informed the world at large darkly, scowling menacingly in the direction of the cockpit.
"Hey, I'm sure it's not all the poor pilot's fault," Cloud replied consolingly.
"Oh, right. Of course," Yuffie agreed, bitingly sarcastic. "I bet it was the huge, scary purple winged monster hovering over the deck right now!"
"Don't be ridiculous, Yuffie," Vincent sighed.
"Cloud! Get yer spiky head out there! Somethin' big's waitin' for you! There's a huge, scary purple winged monster hovering over the deck right now!" Cid bellowed through the doorway.
"Oh, great," Cloud sighed, pulling Murasame from the scabbard on his back. "Hey, you two, come with me, alright?"
Vincent gave a quick nod and started toward the stairs. Others were less compliant. Well, one other.
"Great idea," the tiny ninja huffed. "Maybe it'll get scared and run away when I barf all over it!"
"Hey, I would," Cloud grinned, punching her shoulder lightly before sprinting up the stairs.
Rolling her eyes, she followed.
The three fighters bolted through the door just in time to hear an unearthly shriek echo above their heads. As it caught sight of them, Ultimate Weapon's predictably massive wings beat the air frantically, causing standing in one place without losing one's footing to be something of a feat.
"Oh, goody," Yuffie sighed. "He's happy to see us."
Cloud gave a short laugh.
"Alright, let's just...hope we don't destroy the Highwind trying to fight from deck, okay?"
Vincent shook his head.
"What exactly was Cid thinking in suggesting this?"
"To be honest, I think he's slowly losing his mind, and starting his downward spiral into utter madness," Cloud remarked casually, swinging his sword impressively above his head and assuming battle stance.
The other two warriors followed suit, and the creature reared back, uttering another unearthly screech or rage.
"Yeah, yeah, you already told us," Yuffie sighed, before chanting a spell and earning another screech as a massive bolt of lightning struck the creature. Amid the sparks that filled the air, Cloud leapt forward, shoved his sword back into the scabbard on his back, and called upon the powers of a creature far greater than this big purple...thingy seemed to think himself.
"GIGA FLARE!" he howled.
An expectant hush fell over the deck of the Highwind, and the robotic beast raised one big robotic, beastly eye to the sky nervously, awaiting, as the three fighters doubtlessly were, an impressive show of splitting-in-twain- ness.
None came, and gradually, the nervousness in the posture of their enemy became the nervousness of Cloud and the party.
"U-um...what happened?"
"Perhaps you have over-reached your magical ability for the time being, exhausting your supply of hypothetical units of magical energy?" Vincent suggested, earning three blank stares from Cloud, Yuffie, and the massive creature. He sighed. "You could be out of magic points," he paraphrased.
"Oh, right!" Cloud exclaimed. "Hey, someone wanna help me out with that?"
With a sigh, Vincent removed a bottle labelled "Acme Ether-In-a-Can (tm)" from his pocket, and tossed it in Cloud's direction.
"Great! Thanks, man!"
It was at about this point that a white-hot ray of light erupted from Ultimate Weapon's Ultimate Claws of Doom and encompassed the party in a fiery bubble of utter destruction.
"Ow..." Cloud and Yuffie whimpered in unison.
"Ow," Vincent stated flatly, not being given to whimpering any more than to giggling. [See: A Love That Lasts Forever *plug plug*]
Then, righteous anger flaring up in an instant, Cloud waited with barely restrained impatience for Yuffie to cast a quick spell of un-smiting on their unfortunate team of three, and then he leapt forward and fixed Ultimate Weapon with a stern glare, put in an even worse humour by the knowledge that Ultimate Weapon likely didn't even care.
"Okay, you're really gonna be sorry in a second!" he informed the massive creature smugly. "GIGA FLARE!"
Reflecting that this really would be it this time, Ultimate Weapon gazed anxiously up toward the heavens with one gigantic eye, waiting for them to open up and rain fiery destruction down upon him.
The heavens, it seemed, were just not in the mood to cooperate that day. They remained quite aggravatingly blue and clear, not a whit of fiery destruction to be seen for love nor money.
"Okay, what gives?!" Cloud exclaimed angrily.
Meanwhile, in Eidolo - er, Aeon - er, GF - er, Summon Monster Land...
"Bahamut!" Alexander exclaimed reproachfully. "What're you doin'? You're being summoned!"
"Eh, I don' feel like it," the mighty Bahamut slurred drunkenly, wiping the sheen of beer from his upper lip...or the Bahamut equivalent thereof. "YOU go do it, Al!"
"They didn't summon me," Alexander explained huffily, sliding onto the barstool next to Bahamut's and helping himself to a handful of honey- roasted peanuts. "And don't call me 'Al!'"
"I'll call ya whatever the hell I want! I'm the KING!"
"No, I'M the king!" Arthur called from a round table where he and his twelve Knights of that Round Table were playing poker.
"You...are drunk," Ramuh informed Bahamut calmly as he sauntered past the bar.
"Shu'up!" Bahamut commanded, somehow missing the air of menace that he normally possessed. Then, with a teary sigh, he turned to Alexander, throwing a massive wing around his shoulder. "Al, yer my only friend! Yer the only one who understands me!"
"I'm the only one who doesn't make you share the beer," Alexander pointed out.
"E-zackly!"
"Bahamut," Alexander sighed. "Wipe the drool off your chin and get down there!"
"No!"
"Yes!"
"No!"
"Yes!"
"Someone else do it!"
"Who else knows that Giga Flare attack of yours?"
"S'true," Bahamut admitted smugly. "There'll NEVER be another Bahamut!"
"You're one-of-a-kind, alright," Alexander admitted with a small smile.
"Certainly," Ramuh agreed, turning away from the mirror before which he alternately was stroking his long white Moses-beard lovingly and practicing his menacing scowl.
"Heeeeeeeey!" Odin protested loudly from his recliner across the room. "What about Odin? Why doesn't Odin ever get any respect?! I'm Odin! See? Just check out my Odin-Hat!" He gestured to the massive horn-bearing headgear.
"Yer Odin-Hat sucks!" Bahamut slurred with a loud, drunken laugh.
All the other Summon Monsters gasped in dismay.
"Them's fightin' words," Ifrit commented from the pool table.
"Forget about them, Ifrit," Shiva suggested with a wink. "Just concentrate on me instead."
"You got it, babe!" Ifrit agreed, eyes sweeping appreciatively up and down her form, clad only in a pink ice bikini.
With an indulgent smile, she stepped closer and slid a hand to the back of his neck, pulling him closer for a kiss. The mood was quite broken, however, when...
"Aiee! Your hands are cold!" Ifrit yelped.
"Duh," Shiva sighed with a roll of her eyes.
Meanwhile, the hackles of both Odin and Bahamut had risen, and a fight seemed impending. They circled one another, growling menacingly. Then, as Bahamut readied himself for a very, very overkill Terra Flare attack, a hand clamped down on his shoulder.
"Alright," a gruff voice commanded, "break it up, you rowdies."
"Madeen?!" Bahamut exclaimed, taking in the sight of the teddybearesque creature and his 'Bouncer' tee-shirt with no small amount of surprise. "What're you doin' here? Yer not in FF7!"
"Guest cameo," Madeen explained tiredly.
"Eh, okay," Bahamut replied with a shrug, before slumping to the floor, unconscious.
Back on the deck of the Highwind...
Once it had been determined by all that Bahamut was NOT coming, in either Bahamut, Neo, or ZERO form, Cloud and the others nervously decided that they'd better try fighting for themselves.
"Okay, how about this: I'll cast a Reflect spell on all of us, and Yuffie, you get us all with a lightning spell, the strongest you've got," Cloud commanded briskly. Then, as a cunning expression crossed his face, he continued. "Or...Vincent, you still carrying the Comet material? If you are, we could reflect..."
"No!" Vincent and Yuffie barked in unison. Sadly, they had earlier learned very well, although not so well as Cid, that this was a technique doomed from the start. [See: 'Cid's Reflections Upon Being Hit By a Comet' *plug- plug*]
"Okay, okay, we'll stick with the lightning spell," Cloud assured them, hands held up in a placating gesture. "Now, hopefully the lightning won't pull the same trick as a certain BAHAMUT we all know, and will actually SHOW UP!"
"Geez, Cloud, bitter?" Yuffie sighed.
With a glare in her direction, Cloud leapt forward and began to chant the Reflect spell. As the invisible barrier sparked to life around the trio, Vincent began a lightning spell.
The heavens are to be thanked that the lightning did NOT decide to pull the same trick as that certain Bahamut that Cloud had earlier mentioned, and as such, DID actually decide to show up.
However, before they COULD show up, Ultimate Weapon took that moment to decide that he had really been shafted as to the number of attacks he had been granted when compared with that of the number granted to his enemies. As such, he took advantage of the time it was taking the party to act to begin another Ultima Beam attack, which he finished at approximately the time that the barrier around them leapt to life.
"Heeeeeeeeeey!" Cloud whined, prying one eye open with some difficulty and with that one eye, glaring up at Ultimate Weapon from his prone position on the deck, "why didn't that reflect?"
"You can't reflect a Comet OR an Ultima," Vincent informed him wisely.
Cloud stared at him strangely.
"How do you know that?"
"Believe me," the dark-haired man sighed, exchanging pained glances with Yuffie at the memory, "we have our ways."
Then, as one, they glared up at the skies, wishing death and destruction down upon the head of a certain video game enthusiast who had been dumb enough to try that same trick, and just happens to be writing this story.
"Okay, I'm sorry about that, guys! Geez! Forgive and forget, would ya?!" Rhianwen shouted back from the upper regions of the sky.
Neither Vincent nor Yuffie heard this, though, as three massive bolts of lightning chose just that moment to arc down from the sky, bounce off of the invisible barrier before them, and zap Ultimate Weapon. Huh-huh- huh...zap him in the butt! Ahem. Anyway...
While something that Beavis and Butthead would likely have found hilarious, this did little to actually damage Ultimate Weapon, who decided that he had had quite enough of these idiots. With a mighty beat of his mighty wings, he lifted himself higher up into the air and disappeared from view.
And not a moment too soon, it seemed...
"Ooh..." Cloud groaned articulately, trying to scrape himself from the rough wooden floorboards of the deck and failing miserably, the mere effort exerting him to the point of losing consciousness.
"You can say that again," Yuffie agreed, making no attempt to rise, finding that even the simple task of blinking was providing enough problems.
"I quite concur," Vincent added, apparently experiencing less difficulty with the whole radical idea of 'getting up.' He climbed briskly to his feet and then stooped to carefully peel Yuffie from the floor. Once she was safely, though somewhat disorientedly, sitting, he started toward Cloud's prone form, but was stopped in the act by a concerned voice calling out,
"Cloud! Oh, no! What happened?!"
"We're still tryin' to figure that out, Tif," Yuffie called as the dark- haired woman ran to the fair-haired young man, kneeling on the floor beside him and gently lifting his head into her lap.
"They had a little run-in with a certain Weapon...an Ultimate one," Cid explained with a satisfied smirk, sauntering on deck and leaning against the railing, peering over as though scanning the ground for little bits of Weapon. "So, ya took care of 'im then?"
"Actually," Vincent replied, "fortunately for us, the creature beat a hasty retreat."
"The #$*&$#in' thing ran away?!" the fair-haired captain bellowed, gawking at the gunman incredulously.
"It did."
"Goddammit! Oh, your ass is mine, Weapon!"
With that, he pushed up from the railing and barrelled back down below deck.
Tifa watched him go absently, then turned her full attention to Cloud, stroking his forehead sympathetically.
"Poor, poor Cloud," she sighed.
"Hey," Yuffie called softly to Vincent with a knowing smile, "think we should remind her that we got beat up a long with him?"
"No, I think we should let them share their...moment."
"While we eagerly watch, right?" she replied, gazing up at him, eyes wide and hopeful.
"Uh..."
At some point during this exchange, which had entirely escaped Tifa's notice, Cloud awoke to find himself staring directly up at that same woman's...considerable endowments. At this, his eyes widened, and a pleased grin crept over his face, the pain that he had been in earlier all but forgotten beneath the combination of that comforting touch, and the sight of those...very nice...feminine charms. As such, in no particular hurry to alert Tifa that he had woken up, Cloud remained perfectly still, even going to the lengths of closing his eyes again so that neither Yuffie nor Vincent might alert Tifa that he was awake.
"Hey, Tifa, want us to leave you two alone?" the younger girl called to her.
"What was that, Yuffie?" Tifa called back, leaning forward slightly.
This motion, although seemingly insignificant, and completely unconscious on her part, triggered something of a disaster. As she leaned forward, her...feminine charms brushed enticingly against Cloud's face. Eyes widening until Vincent wondered how they remained in their sockets, the fair-haired young man felt quite as though the Gods had smiled upon him.
Not for long, though...
"Oh, Gawd, Tifa, Cloud's nose just started to bleed really badly!" Yuffie exclaimed, fishing through Vincent's pockets for a handkerchief.
"Er, Yuffie, is that really necessary?" Vincent inquired, his calm tone belying the slight stain of colour creeping across his face.
Head cocked to one side adorably, Yuffie frowned in confusion, her hand still buried deeply in his pocket.
"Well, I don't have a handkerchief, and Tifa's shirt's gonna get stained in a minute!"
"Oh, Cloud, you poor thing!" Tifa exclaimed, wrapping an arm around his waist and helping him to stand. Her close proximity did nothing to slow the bleeding of his nose. "Let's get you inside where you can lie down, alright?"
"O-okay," Cloud stuttered, groping frantically through his pockets for the elusive handkerchief, and hoping frantically that she might be joining him for this 'lying down.' Maybe she'd cuddle him like that again... As his nose began to gush even more at this thought, he made a concentrated effort to keep such it and others like it from his mind.
At this inopportune moment, who should chance to walk onto the deck, but Barret? Upon beholding Tifa leading off a badly bleeding Cloud, and beholding Yuffie doing what looked to him like decidedly inappropriate things to Vincent, he stopped still.
"Not gonna #%$*%^#@in' ask," he announced before turning and starting quickly back down the stairs.
"Alright, ya dumb #$(%#@^@#*&, hang a sharp left, and catch the $#($@#&%$#@ up with him, before I rip off your $$#*)%#@*)&@$@&#)*&# head and spit in the hole!" Cid bellowed at Learner Pilot.
"You bet, Captain!"
The ship swerved and bobbed and weaved wildly, and Cid's eyes glowed wickedly as they hurtled through the air toward Ultimate Weapon at a dizzying rate. Then, suddenly, a bolt of some unseen electricity arced through the ship, shaking the vessel and its contents, sending it hurtling back several feet.
"$#($@)(#*%, what power!" Cid exclaimed. "Damn! You think I'm gonna give up that easy?"
"We can always hope," Red XIII muttered up at Vincent, who nodded emphatically.
"I think that hope is truly in vain in this situation, though," the dark- haired man commented wearily.
"Hey, Cid, where are we going?" Cloud asked weakly as he staggered through the door and into the cockpit.
"We're goin' to fry us some Weapon," the captain called, not turning.
"Uh, Cid..." Cloud began hesitantly, "I hate to spoil your fun, but we've kind of got somewhere to be right now. Weren't we...uh...going after Sephiroth?"
"$%#)(#$^%#)in' Sephiroth can $##%()*$#%$#%#in' wait! Hey, back me up here, Vincent! Don't you wanna see this damn Weapon go down?"
"..."
"Yeah! I knew you'd agree!"
"...Did I say I agreed? If so, I'd like to retract the comment."
"I think at this point, Cid is only hearing what he wants to hear," Red XIII sighed, tail twitching mournfully.
"Sure, I'd like a beer," Cid called to the shaggy red animal. "Thanks, mutt!"
With a simultaneous shake of their heads, Red XIII and Vincent reflected that there had to be safer places aboard the Highwind to pass time than in the cockpit. With Cloud close on their heels, they left and started down the hall.
"I don't know what's wrong with Cid," the fair-haired man commented sadly when the scent of cigarette smoke faded, indicating that they were out of the airship captain's earshot. "I've never seen him like this about anything. Except going into space."
"And tea," Tifa added as she passed them from the other direction. Then, as something occurred to her, she stopped and back-pedalled.
"Cloud!" the beautiful, dark-haired woman exclaimed severely. "Didn't I tell you to stay in bed for the rest of today?!"
"W-well, yeah," Cloud admitted, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly, "but you left, and I was...well, lonely."
"What if I sit with you until you fall asleep? Will you stay in bed then?"
"Yeah!" Cloud cried jubilantly, looking much like a small boy who has just been promised a good deal of candy if he satisfactorily completes his chores.
Tifa nodded in satisfaction, and together, they started off to Cloud's room.
"Aw! How cute!" Yuffie commented from the end of the hall. Then, as the entire ship jerked abruptly to the left, then rose just as abruptly higher into the air, she lunged for her trusty pal, the garbage can. "I hate you, Learner Pilot!"
"Blame Cid for this, Yuffie," Red XIII suggested, struggling to maintain his footing. "It seems as though Cid has become rather...what's the polite term?"
"Frighteningly obsessed," Vincent spoke up.
"Yes, frighteningly obsessed, with the idea of catching up with, and destroying Ultimate Weapon."
"Oh, brother," she grumbled. "Someone should hit him until he stops moving."
"Shit, I'll do it," Barret offered, approaching from the other end of the hallway, having apparently left the cockpit in disgust. "We gotta job to do, an' here we are, neglectin' it 'cause Cid wants to play with his damn ship!"
"Great! And smack that pilot for me while you're at it, okay?"
"Sure thing, kid," Barret laughed, turning and disappearing through the door again.
The next moment, a thunk of fist against bone drifted out through the door, followed by an indignant shout.
"Hey, what the hell'd ya do that for, ya $#@(&&)$?!"
"What the hell you think yer doin' flyin' us all ova the damn planet tryin' to catch this damn Weapon thing?!"
"Barret, look at the damn thing! Look at that smirk! Doesn't that smirk just make you wanna rip its head off?!"
Silence. Red XIII, Vincent, and Yuffie all leaned slightly closer to the door, listening intently.
"You're right, man. Catch it, an' make it $@*(&%#@^$@in' suffer!"
The next moment, the ship shuddered back into motion, and Barret erupted from the door.
"Barret!" Yuffie whined. "I thought you were on our side!"
"Cid's right," Barret growled. "No #@$)&%#($#in' way we lettin' that damn thing get the best of us!"
"Cloud might have something to say about that," Vincent reminded the large man with a sigh.
At that moment, a loud crash echoed through the air, and the ship lurched as though it had struck something. Something large.
"Oh, wonderful," Red XIII sighed as the enraged shriek of Ultimate Weapon drifted down the stairs from the deck.
"I'm up on the deck, guys!"
"'Ey, Cloud! We've got him again! Go damn well finish him off this time!"
"Cloud's asleep, Cid!" Yuffie shouted at the doorway.
Silence.
"Alright, then get someone else to go up!"
Red XIII sighed.
"Well, Barret, I think it's only fair that we go up. After all, we weren't involved in the first battle with this creature."
"Hell, yeah, we're goin' up! But which one'a you two's comin' with us?"
Barret raised an eyebrow as both Vincent and Yuffie each hastened to point at the other.
"Look, one'a you's gotta come up, 'r we're gonna get our asses handed to us."
"C'mON, Vinne, pleeeeeeeeeeease go up with them? I'm still trying to keep my guts from coming out, and I really don't think I'd be much help."
With an impatient sigh at the nickname, Vincent shook his head.
"You seemed to do as well as either Cloud or I before."
Barret chuckled.
"Hey, man, you know yer goin' up wit' us, don'tcha? Why fight it?"
"..."
"Okay, look, we'll do Rock-Paper-Scissors, and the loser has to go up, alright?" Yuffie suggested.
"...Fine."
"Red, y'better ref them ta make sure Yuffie don't find a way to cheat," Barret spoke up, issuing a dark scowl.
"How exactly would one cheat at Rock-Paper-Scissors?" Vincent wondered, his tone implying that if it hadn't been entirely out of character, he would have been scratching his head in confusion.
"What IS Rock-Paper-Scissors?" Red XIII wondered, not scratching his head in confusion for obvious reasons. Namely, for the same obvious reasons that lead to his lack of experience with Rock-Paper-Scissors.
"Neva mind," Barret sighed. "Would you two jus' hurry it up so we get up there before the ship's blown to shit?"
With two philosophical shrugs, the highly enlightened method of determining justice got underway.
"Scissors cut paper," Vincent announced calmly upon seeing the results. "Have fun, Yuffie."
Disclaimer: I don't own anyone who appears in this story. They all belong to Squaresoft.
Notes: Well, the pairings'll be pretty obvious as you read this. Still, I might as well warn you about them right away, just so you don't accidentally expose yourself to my warped ideas. Cloud/Tifa, Vincent/Yuffie, Cid/Shera, Ifrit/Shiva biases lie herewithin. [Blinks] Okay, so they aren't warped. At least, not uniquely so. Except for that last one. [Shakes head] What can I say? I'm a sucker for opposites attracting. :o)
Obsession is a dangerous phenomenon. It can take hold in an instant, stealing thought of all else from the mind of a previously sane individual. It can dominate all areas of that person's life. It can destroy relationships with friends and family in one fell swoop. It is the sort of thing that can come out of nowhere to rob a person's life of all real joy, and fill it with the illusion of joy, a wild, heady, intoxicating, but fleeting brand of joy that will destroy a person, lead them into...madness.
[Cue cheesy thunder and lightning effects.]
Such was the case with Cid Highwind, captain of the fine vessel, (wait for it...wait for it...) the Highwind.
One fateful day, while flying aimlessly about the world and trying to decide upon a course of action, which, more than one of the heroes commented beneath their breath, they seemed to be doing an awful lot of lately, the Highwind and its illustrious crew came upon something.
Something...large.
Something...evil.
"What in the hell is that?" Cid barked at the young, far too enthusiastic Learner Pilot.
"I don't know..." Learner Pilot admitted with a frown. Then he brightened, gazing hopefully up at his captain. "Can I ram it? Huh? Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh?"
"#$#%$%$#$%, yeah!" Cid exclaimed, rubbing his hands together and cackling in devious delight. "I'm pretty sure that's that Ultimate Weapon we've heard so much about. Heh...let's see how it stands up to the Highwind! Yeah!"
It was at about this point that, heaving a long sigh, Vincent left his steadfast position and stalked toward the hall. As he went, he withdrew a bottle of pills from his pocket.
'Gravol,' he reflected silently. 'She'll need these more than I will...'
As the dark-haired man disappeared through the doorway, the ship picked up speed, lurching through the air toward the massive purple winged beast.
"Ooh...this really sucks!" Yuffie managed to choke out before diving once more for a nearby trash can as another wave of nausea loomed over the horizon...metaphorically speaking, of course.
Setting the little bottle of tablets aside, Vincent hastened to hold her hair back as she upended the entire contents of her stomach into the aforementioned trashcan.
At this point, Cloud sauntered past, came to a halt at this rather odd scene, and back-pedaled.
"Hey, you two," he greeted, making a mental note to find out later why it was necessary for Vincent to be holding back the tiny girl's hair, when the odd series of braids that she kept it tied into, not to mention her headband, seemed to take care of it well enough.
"Hello, Cloud," the tall man called wearily, reaching for the bottle of Gravol and pressing it into Yuffies's hand. "Try a few of those. They should help a little."
"Either that, or knock you out so cold, you won't know the difference," Cloud added with a shrug.
"Oh, 'ey, Spiky," Yuffie called absently before nearly ripping the lid from the poor little bottle and downing several of the tiny yellow tablets.
"Uh...you might wanna slow down on those," Cloud suggested, raising an eyebrow. "They're...kinda strong..."
As the ship rapidly gained, then lost altitude, she groped for the trashcan, and proceeded to undo all the hard work it had been to swallow the damn pills.
"Then again, it mightn't matter at all," Vincent observed with a barely perceptible smile.
"So, how's it goin'?" Cloud asked kindly and foolishly. For all his kindness, he was repaid only by two frosty glares, and a bitingly sarcastic demand of,
"How do you think, doofus?"
I shall leave it to the reader to decide who voiced this response.
Almost as though to punctuate the question, the ship chose that moment to make a sharp right turn, and then come to a dead halt.
"Ack!" Yuffie whimpered, watching sadly as the rest of the precious Gravol tablets bounced over the floor and down the vents in the corner. "YOUR UPPANCE WILL COME, LEARNER PILOT! No autograph for you! NO AUTOGRAPH!"
Meanwhile, at the controls of the massive ship, Learner Pilot's brow wrinkled.
"What's up?" Cid demanded.
"Did you just hear someone shouting that...my uppance will come?"
"Hey, don't worry yer ass about that. People tell me that all the time, an' ain't never happened yet," the blond man confided comfortingly. Then he scowled at the beast. "Now go ram the hell out of it!"
"Yessir!" Learner Pilot exclaimed jubilantly, sending the ship lurching forward once again.
"I'm really gonna kill him as soon as I meet him," Yuffie informed the world at large darkly, scowling menacingly in the direction of the cockpit.
"Hey, I'm sure it's not all the poor pilot's fault," Cloud replied consolingly.
"Oh, right. Of course," Yuffie agreed, bitingly sarcastic. "I bet it was the huge, scary purple winged monster hovering over the deck right now!"
"Don't be ridiculous, Yuffie," Vincent sighed.
"Cloud! Get yer spiky head out there! Somethin' big's waitin' for you! There's a huge, scary purple winged monster hovering over the deck right now!" Cid bellowed through the doorway.
"Oh, great," Cloud sighed, pulling Murasame from the scabbard on his back. "Hey, you two, come with me, alright?"
Vincent gave a quick nod and started toward the stairs. Others were less compliant. Well, one other.
"Great idea," the tiny ninja huffed. "Maybe it'll get scared and run away when I barf all over it!"
"Hey, I would," Cloud grinned, punching her shoulder lightly before sprinting up the stairs.
Rolling her eyes, she followed.
The three fighters bolted through the door just in time to hear an unearthly shriek echo above their heads. As it caught sight of them, Ultimate Weapon's predictably massive wings beat the air frantically, causing standing in one place without losing one's footing to be something of a feat.
"Oh, goody," Yuffie sighed. "He's happy to see us."
Cloud gave a short laugh.
"Alright, let's just...hope we don't destroy the Highwind trying to fight from deck, okay?"
Vincent shook his head.
"What exactly was Cid thinking in suggesting this?"
"To be honest, I think he's slowly losing his mind, and starting his downward spiral into utter madness," Cloud remarked casually, swinging his sword impressively above his head and assuming battle stance.
The other two warriors followed suit, and the creature reared back, uttering another unearthly screech or rage.
"Yeah, yeah, you already told us," Yuffie sighed, before chanting a spell and earning another screech as a massive bolt of lightning struck the creature. Amid the sparks that filled the air, Cloud leapt forward, shoved his sword back into the scabbard on his back, and called upon the powers of a creature far greater than this big purple...thingy seemed to think himself.
"GIGA FLARE!" he howled.
An expectant hush fell over the deck of the Highwind, and the robotic beast raised one big robotic, beastly eye to the sky nervously, awaiting, as the three fighters doubtlessly were, an impressive show of splitting-in-twain- ness.
None came, and gradually, the nervousness in the posture of their enemy became the nervousness of Cloud and the party.
"U-um...what happened?"
"Perhaps you have over-reached your magical ability for the time being, exhausting your supply of hypothetical units of magical energy?" Vincent suggested, earning three blank stares from Cloud, Yuffie, and the massive creature. He sighed. "You could be out of magic points," he paraphrased.
"Oh, right!" Cloud exclaimed. "Hey, someone wanna help me out with that?"
With a sigh, Vincent removed a bottle labelled "Acme Ether-In-a-Can (tm)" from his pocket, and tossed it in Cloud's direction.
"Great! Thanks, man!"
It was at about this point that a white-hot ray of light erupted from Ultimate Weapon's Ultimate Claws of Doom and encompassed the party in a fiery bubble of utter destruction.
"Ow..." Cloud and Yuffie whimpered in unison.
"Ow," Vincent stated flatly, not being given to whimpering any more than to giggling. [See: A Love That Lasts Forever *plug plug*]
Then, righteous anger flaring up in an instant, Cloud waited with barely restrained impatience for Yuffie to cast a quick spell of un-smiting on their unfortunate team of three, and then he leapt forward and fixed Ultimate Weapon with a stern glare, put in an even worse humour by the knowledge that Ultimate Weapon likely didn't even care.
"Okay, you're really gonna be sorry in a second!" he informed the massive creature smugly. "GIGA FLARE!"
Reflecting that this really would be it this time, Ultimate Weapon gazed anxiously up toward the heavens with one gigantic eye, waiting for them to open up and rain fiery destruction down upon him.
The heavens, it seemed, were just not in the mood to cooperate that day. They remained quite aggravatingly blue and clear, not a whit of fiery destruction to be seen for love nor money.
"Okay, what gives?!" Cloud exclaimed angrily.
Meanwhile, in Eidolo - er, Aeon - er, GF - er, Summon Monster Land...
"Bahamut!" Alexander exclaimed reproachfully. "What're you doin'? You're being summoned!"
"Eh, I don' feel like it," the mighty Bahamut slurred drunkenly, wiping the sheen of beer from his upper lip...or the Bahamut equivalent thereof. "YOU go do it, Al!"
"They didn't summon me," Alexander explained huffily, sliding onto the barstool next to Bahamut's and helping himself to a handful of honey- roasted peanuts. "And don't call me 'Al!'"
"I'll call ya whatever the hell I want! I'm the KING!"
"No, I'M the king!" Arthur called from a round table where he and his twelve Knights of that Round Table were playing poker.
"You...are drunk," Ramuh informed Bahamut calmly as he sauntered past the bar.
"Shu'up!" Bahamut commanded, somehow missing the air of menace that he normally possessed. Then, with a teary sigh, he turned to Alexander, throwing a massive wing around his shoulder. "Al, yer my only friend! Yer the only one who understands me!"
"I'm the only one who doesn't make you share the beer," Alexander pointed out.
"E-zackly!"
"Bahamut," Alexander sighed. "Wipe the drool off your chin and get down there!"
"No!"
"Yes!"
"No!"
"Yes!"
"Someone else do it!"
"Who else knows that Giga Flare attack of yours?"
"S'true," Bahamut admitted smugly. "There'll NEVER be another Bahamut!"
"You're one-of-a-kind, alright," Alexander admitted with a small smile.
"Certainly," Ramuh agreed, turning away from the mirror before which he alternately was stroking his long white Moses-beard lovingly and practicing his menacing scowl.
"Heeeeeeeey!" Odin protested loudly from his recliner across the room. "What about Odin? Why doesn't Odin ever get any respect?! I'm Odin! See? Just check out my Odin-Hat!" He gestured to the massive horn-bearing headgear.
"Yer Odin-Hat sucks!" Bahamut slurred with a loud, drunken laugh.
All the other Summon Monsters gasped in dismay.
"Them's fightin' words," Ifrit commented from the pool table.
"Forget about them, Ifrit," Shiva suggested with a wink. "Just concentrate on me instead."
"You got it, babe!" Ifrit agreed, eyes sweeping appreciatively up and down her form, clad only in a pink ice bikini.
With an indulgent smile, she stepped closer and slid a hand to the back of his neck, pulling him closer for a kiss. The mood was quite broken, however, when...
"Aiee! Your hands are cold!" Ifrit yelped.
"Duh," Shiva sighed with a roll of her eyes.
Meanwhile, the hackles of both Odin and Bahamut had risen, and a fight seemed impending. They circled one another, growling menacingly. Then, as Bahamut readied himself for a very, very overkill Terra Flare attack, a hand clamped down on his shoulder.
"Alright," a gruff voice commanded, "break it up, you rowdies."
"Madeen?!" Bahamut exclaimed, taking in the sight of the teddybearesque creature and his 'Bouncer' tee-shirt with no small amount of surprise. "What're you doin' here? Yer not in FF7!"
"Guest cameo," Madeen explained tiredly.
"Eh, okay," Bahamut replied with a shrug, before slumping to the floor, unconscious.
Back on the deck of the Highwind...
Once it had been determined by all that Bahamut was NOT coming, in either Bahamut, Neo, or ZERO form, Cloud and the others nervously decided that they'd better try fighting for themselves.
"Okay, how about this: I'll cast a Reflect spell on all of us, and Yuffie, you get us all with a lightning spell, the strongest you've got," Cloud commanded briskly. Then, as a cunning expression crossed his face, he continued. "Or...Vincent, you still carrying the Comet material? If you are, we could reflect..."
"No!" Vincent and Yuffie barked in unison. Sadly, they had earlier learned very well, although not so well as Cid, that this was a technique doomed from the start. [See: 'Cid's Reflections Upon Being Hit By a Comet' *plug- plug*]
"Okay, okay, we'll stick with the lightning spell," Cloud assured them, hands held up in a placating gesture. "Now, hopefully the lightning won't pull the same trick as a certain BAHAMUT we all know, and will actually SHOW UP!"
"Geez, Cloud, bitter?" Yuffie sighed.
With a glare in her direction, Cloud leapt forward and began to chant the Reflect spell. As the invisible barrier sparked to life around the trio, Vincent began a lightning spell.
The heavens are to be thanked that the lightning did NOT decide to pull the same trick as that certain Bahamut that Cloud had earlier mentioned, and as such, DID actually decide to show up.
However, before they COULD show up, Ultimate Weapon took that moment to decide that he had really been shafted as to the number of attacks he had been granted when compared with that of the number granted to his enemies. As such, he took advantage of the time it was taking the party to act to begin another Ultima Beam attack, which he finished at approximately the time that the barrier around them leapt to life.
"Heeeeeeeeeey!" Cloud whined, prying one eye open with some difficulty and with that one eye, glaring up at Ultimate Weapon from his prone position on the deck, "why didn't that reflect?"
"You can't reflect a Comet OR an Ultima," Vincent informed him wisely.
Cloud stared at him strangely.
"How do you know that?"
"Believe me," the dark-haired man sighed, exchanging pained glances with Yuffie at the memory, "we have our ways."
Then, as one, they glared up at the skies, wishing death and destruction down upon the head of a certain video game enthusiast who had been dumb enough to try that same trick, and just happens to be writing this story.
"Okay, I'm sorry about that, guys! Geez! Forgive and forget, would ya?!" Rhianwen shouted back from the upper regions of the sky.
Neither Vincent nor Yuffie heard this, though, as three massive bolts of lightning chose just that moment to arc down from the sky, bounce off of the invisible barrier before them, and zap Ultimate Weapon. Huh-huh- huh...zap him in the butt! Ahem. Anyway...
While something that Beavis and Butthead would likely have found hilarious, this did little to actually damage Ultimate Weapon, who decided that he had had quite enough of these idiots. With a mighty beat of his mighty wings, he lifted himself higher up into the air and disappeared from view.
And not a moment too soon, it seemed...
"Ooh..." Cloud groaned articulately, trying to scrape himself from the rough wooden floorboards of the deck and failing miserably, the mere effort exerting him to the point of losing consciousness.
"You can say that again," Yuffie agreed, making no attempt to rise, finding that even the simple task of blinking was providing enough problems.
"I quite concur," Vincent added, apparently experiencing less difficulty with the whole radical idea of 'getting up.' He climbed briskly to his feet and then stooped to carefully peel Yuffie from the floor. Once she was safely, though somewhat disorientedly, sitting, he started toward Cloud's prone form, but was stopped in the act by a concerned voice calling out,
"Cloud! Oh, no! What happened?!"
"We're still tryin' to figure that out, Tif," Yuffie called as the dark- haired woman ran to the fair-haired young man, kneeling on the floor beside him and gently lifting his head into her lap.
"They had a little run-in with a certain Weapon...an Ultimate one," Cid explained with a satisfied smirk, sauntering on deck and leaning against the railing, peering over as though scanning the ground for little bits of Weapon. "So, ya took care of 'im then?"
"Actually," Vincent replied, "fortunately for us, the creature beat a hasty retreat."
"The #$*&$#in' thing ran away?!" the fair-haired captain bellowed, gawking at the gunman incredulously.
"It did."
"Goddammit! Oh, your ass is mine, Weapon!"
With that, he pushed up from the railing and barrelled back down below deck.
Tifa watched him go absently, then turned her full attention to Cloud, stroking his forehead sympathetically.
"Poor, poor Cloud," she sighed.
"Hey," Yuffie called softly to Vincent with a knowing smile, "think we should remind her that we got beat up a long with him?"
"No, I think we should let them share their...moment."
"While we eagerly watch, right?" she replied, gazing up at him, eyes wide and hopeful.
"Uh..."
At some point during this exchange, which had entirely escaped Tifa's notice, Cloud awoke to find himself staring directly up at that same woman's...considerable endowments. At this, his eyes widened, and a pleased grin crept over his face, the pain that he had been in earlier all but forgotten beneath the combination of that comforting touch, and the sight of those...very nice...feminine charms. As such, in no particular hurry to alert Tifa that he had woken up, Cloud remained perfectly still, even going to the lengths of closing his eyes again so that neither Yuffie nor Vincent might alert Tifa that he was awake.
"Hey, Tifa, want us to leave you two alone?" the younger girl called to her.
"What was that, Yuffie?" Tifa called back, leaning forward slightly.
This motion, although seemingly insignificant, and completely unconscious on her part, triggered something of a disaster. As she leaned forward, her...feminine charms brushed enticingly against Cloud's face. Eyes widening until Vincent wondered how they remained in their sockets, the fair-haired young man felt quite as though the Gods had smiled upon him.
Not for long, though...
"Oh, Gawd, Tifa, Cloud's nose just started to bleed really badly!" Yuffie exclaimed, fishing through Vincent's pockets for a handkerchief.
"Er, Yuffie, is that really necessary?" Vincent inquired, his calm tone belying the slight stain of colour creeping across his face.
Head cocked to one side adorably, Yuffie frowned in confusion, her hand still buried deeply in his pocket.
"Well, I don't have a handkerchief, and Tifa's shirt's gonna get stained in a minute!"
"Oh, Cloud, you poor thing!" Tifa exclaimed, wrapping an arm around his waist and helping him to stand. Her close proximity did nothing to slow the bleeding of his nose. "Let's get you inside where you can lie down, alright?"
"O-okay," Cloud stuttered, groping frantically through his pockets for the elusive handkerchief, and hoping frantically that she might be joining him for this 'lying down.' Maybe she'd cuddle him like that again... As his nose began to gush even more at this thought, he made a concentrated effort to keep such it and others like it from his mind.
At this inopportune moment, who should chance to walk onto the deck, but Barret? Upon beholding Tifa leading off a badly bleeding Cloud, and beholding Yuffie doing what looked to him like decidedly inappropriate things to Vincent, he stopped still.
"Not gonna #%$*%^#@in' ask," he announced before turning and starting quickly back down the stairs.
"Alright, ya dumb #$(%#@^@#*&, hang a sharp left, and catch the $#($@#&%$#@ up with him, before I rip off your $$#*)%#@*)&@$@&#)*&# head and spit in the hole!" Cid bellowed at Learner Pilot.
"You bet, Captain!"
The ship swerved and bobbed and weaved wildly, and Cid's eyes glowed wickedly as they hurtled through the air toward Ultimate Weapon at a dizzying rate. Then, suddenly, a bolt of some unseen electricity arced through the ship, shaking the vessel and its contents, sending it hurtling back several feet.
"$#($@)(#*%, what power!" Cid exclaimed. "Damn! You think I'm gonna give up that easy?"
"We can always hope," Red XIII muttered up at Vincent, who nodded emphatically.
"I think that hope is truly in vain in this situation, though," the dark- haired man commented wearily.
"Hey, Cid, where are we going?" Cloud asked weakly as he staggered through the door and into the cockpit.
"We're goin' to fry us some Weapon," the captain called, not turning.
"Uh, Cid..." Cloud began hesitantly, "I hate to spoil your fun, but we've kind of got somewhere to be right now. Weren't we...uh...going after Sephiroth?"
"$%#)(#$^%#)in' Sephiroth can $##%()*$#%$#%#in' wait! Hey, back me up here, Vincent! Don't you wanna see this damn Weapon go down?"
"..."
"Yeah! I knew you'd agree!"
"...Did I say I agreed? If so, I'd like to retract the comment."
"I think at this point, Cid is only hearing what he wants to hear," Red XIII sighed, tail twitching mournfully.
"Sure, I'd like a beer," Cid called to the shaggy red animal. "Thanks, mutt!"
With a simultaneous shake of their heads, Red XIII and Vincent reflected that there had to be safer places aboard the Highwind to pass time than in the cockpit. With Cloud close on their heels, they left and started down the hall.
"I don't know what's wrong with Cid," the fair-haired man commented sadly when the scent of cigarette smoke faded, indicating that they were out of the airship captain's earshot. "I've never seen him like this about anything. Except going into space."
"And tea," Tifa added as she passed them from the other direction. Then, as something occurred to her, she stopped and back-pedalled.
"Cloud!" the beautiful, dark-haired woman exclaimed severely. "Didn't I tell you to stay in bed for the rest of today?!"
"W-well, yeah," Cloud admitted, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly, "but you left, and I was...well, lonely."
"What if I sit with you until you fall asleep? Will you stay in bed then?"
"Yeah!" Cloud cried jubilantly, looking much like a small boy who has just been promised a good deal of candy if he satisfactorily completes his chores.
Tifa nodded in satisfaction, and together, they started off to Cloud's room.
"Aw! How cute!" Yuffie commented from the end of the hall. Then, as the entire ship jerked abruptly to the left, then rose just as abruptly higher into the air, she lunged for her trusty pal, the garbage can. "I hate you, Learner Pilot!"
"Blame Cid for this, Yuffie," Red XIII suggested, struggling to maintain his footing. "It seems as though Cid has become rather...what's the polite term?"
"Frighteningly obsessed," Vincent spoke up.
"Yes, frighteningly obsessed, with the idea of catching up with, and destroying Ultimate Weapon."
"Oh, brother," she grumbled. "Someone should hit him until he stops moving."
"Shit, I'll do it," Barret offered, approaching from the other end of the hallway, having apparently left the cockpit in disgust. "We gotta job to do, an' here we are, neglectin' it 'cause Cid wants to play with his damn ship!"
"Great! And smack that pilot for me while you're at it, okay?"
"Sure thing, kid," Barret laughed, turning and disappearing through the door again.
The next moment, a thunk of fist against bone drifted out through the door, followed by an indignant shout.
"Hey, what the hell'd ya do that for, ya $#@(&&)$?!"
"What the hell you think yer doin' flyin' us all ova the damn planet tryin' to catch this damn Weapon thing?!"
"Barret, look at the damn thing! Look at that smirk! Doesn't that smirk just make you wanna rip its head off?!"
Silence. Red XIII, Vincent, and Yuffie all leaned slightly closer to the door, listening intently.
"You're right, man. Catch it, an' make it $@*(&%#@^$@in' suffer!"
The next moment, the ship shuddered back into motion, and Barret erupted from the door.
"Barret!" Yuffie whined. "I thought you were on our side!"
"Cid's right," Barret growled. "No #@$)&%#($#in' way we lettin' that damn thing get the best of us!"
"Cloud might have something to say about that," Vincent reminded the large man with a sigh.
At that moment, a loud crash echoed through the air, and the ship lurched as though it had struck something. Something large.
"Oh, wonderful," Red XIII sighed as the enraged shriek of Ultimate Weapon drifted down the stairs from the deck.
"I'm up on the deck, guys!"
"'Ey, Cloud! We've got him again! Go damn well finish him off this time!"
"Cloud's asleep, Cid!" Yuffie shouted at the doorway.
Silence.
"Alright, then get someone else to go up!"
Red XIII sighed.
"Well, Barret, I think it's only fair that we go up. After all, we weren't involved in the first battle with this creature."
"Hell, yeah, we're goin' up! But which one'a you two's comin' with us?"
Barret raised an eyebrow as both Vincent and Yuffie each hastened to point at the other.
"Look, one'a you's gotta come up, 'r we're gonna get our asses handed to us."
"C'mON, Vinne, pleeeeeeeeeeease go up with them? I'm still trying to keep my guts from coming out, and I really don't think I'd be much help."
With an impatient sigh at the nickname, Vincent shook his head.
"You seemed to do as well as either Cloud or I before."
Barret chuckled.
"Hey, man, you know yer goin' up wit' us, don'tcha? Why fight it?"
"..."
"Okay, look, we'll do Rock-Paper-Scissors, and the loser has to go up, alright?" Yuffie suggested.
"...Fine."
"Red, y'better ref them ta make sure Yuffie don't find a way to cheat," Barret spoke up, issuing a dark scowl.
"How exactly would one cheat at Rock-Paper-Scissors?" Vincent wondered, his tone implying that if it hadn't been entirely out of character, he would have been scratching his head in confusion.
"What IS Rock-Paper-Scissors?" Red XIII wondered, not scratching his head in confusion for obvious reasons. Namely, for the same obvious reasons that lead to his lack of experience with Rock-Paper-Scissors.
"Neva mind," Barret sighed. "Would you two jus' hurry it up so we get up there before the ship's blown to shit?"
With two philosophical shrugs, the highly enlightened method of determining justice got underway.
"Scissors cut paper," Vincent announced calmly upon seeing the results. "Have fun, Yuffie."