Author's note: This is a complete rewrite of 'I Feel' that I wrote back in '01. I've revised many of my FY fics and even went so far as to rewrite them (so if you used to read my old FY fics I recommend reading the revised versions), thus is the case of this. I think this version is much better! Enjoy the angst hehe
Lonely Plea
It's hard to go on when you lose someone so close, so dear to your heart. Everyday I hope that my time will finally end, that I can be back by his side, but instead I'm forced to keep on living. I'm all alone, doesn't he realize that? There's nobody left, nobody around to understand; living isn't worth it, especially with him gone.
Chichiri please, let me go to you! You were the only one that kept me alive after I lost everyone else. You kept me strong when I lost Kouji, when we lost the other seishi; you helped me through it all. But now that you're gone I can't do it. I can't live without your touch, your smile, your warm and calming words. I just can't do this!
Each night I can feel his arms wrapped around me, I feel him brush back my bangs and caress my face. Whenever I cry I feel him wipe my tears away and hear him say I'll be alright. But I won't be! Can't you see that Chichiri? Can't you see I'm nothing without you by my side? I can't survive on my own; I've never been strong enough to do that.
Why did you have to leave me? Why? It's the question that plagues me each night as I rest in the cold, lonely bed. You were supposed to be with me forever, always by my side. Why couldn't it work that way? And you wouldn't even let me join you! Instead you make me promise to keep on living for you. But it's impossible! I can't do this any longer.
It's just all too painful; it hurts too much to know that you're gone. I need to hold you again, to kiss you, to just lie beside you and wake up from this nightmare. Please Chichiri, I need you so badly, I can't go on like this any more. I can't live this empty life any longer; forgive me for breaking my promise.
But even as I raise my tessen, intent on finally taking my life, I feel your hand holding me back and I hear your voice, pleading for me to stop. Why do you do this every time? Why do you tell me to stop when you know I can't deny you anything? My eyes fill with tears as the tessen falls back to the ground; don't you see how cruel it is to ask this of me? I'm suffering so much; please just let me go to you. Please.