"Do you ever still get lonely?"
"Meh, nah, not really. I got a bat named Wilfred."
This lady did not know how to take a hint.
Dovahkiin sighed, then instantly regretted it as he violently coughed upon his breath in.
"You okay?" Serena asked.
"Yeah, just kind of dusty in here," Dovahkiin said, gesturing towards all the dead skeletons around them.
"Oh, don't worry about that, it's all very healthy for you. It might sound a tad morbid, but really inhaling the dust of the ancient dead is quite healthy. I do it all the time, and I look pretty good for my age, yeah? Just walk down to your local crypt and take a big, deep breath in every once and a while and you'll still have my good looks at the age of five hundred," Serena said.
Dovahkiin frowned. Sometimes hanging out with a centuries-old vampire meant you had to fight back the bile a bit.
Still totally hot, though, Dovahkiin thought.
"So, where's Dremora?" Serena asked, "You usually have him with us."
"Nah, he's out. Said he had a contest to settle with some guy named Sam. Been gone for a while now, though," Dovahkiin said.
"Have you tried summoning him?" Serena asked.
"Nah. Sounds like he's out partying and who knows what happens when Dremora Lords party?" Dovahkiin said, chuckling.
"Well, quite a bit actua-" Serena began.
"Please don't answer that. Ever. Please," Dovahkiin said, stopping her mid-sentence.
"Oh. Sorry," Serena said.
The two continued to walk through the lower levels of Castle Volikhar. Serena was in front, walking around casually through the dark stone corridors, her dagger swinging lazily at her side. Dovahkiin was in tow behind her. It'd been weeks now since he'd first started on this huge adventure, in the middle of the final showdown with that Thalmor freak back at the College of Winterhold when all of a sudden, in the midst of all the flames and the ice blasting off of the shields that were being conjured, Dovahkiin felt a gentle tap on his shoulder.
Dovahkiin had turned, seeing a small courier standing behind him.
The Thalmor weirdo stood on the other side of the room, hesitant to shoot another ice bolt. He shifted from foot to foot.
"Uh, what is it?" Dovahkiin asked.
"Got a letter," the courier said.
"Okay. Can it wait till after the battle?" Dovahkiin asked.
"I'm kinda in a rush, Mr. I'm-so-much-more-important-than-everyone-else-ooh-la-la-I'm-dragonborn-number-442-or-so," the courier said sourly.
"Jeez, okay, hand me the letter," Dovahkiin said.
The courier had scoffed, pulling a scroll out of his bag and tapping his foot impatiently as Dovahkiin slowly read it.
"You'd think the holder of the Elder Scrolls would be able to reaaaad a little fasteeeer," the courier said under his breath in a singsong voice.
Dovahkiin momentarily glared at him, then continuing reading the letter.
"Alright, thanks," he said.
Silence passed.
"You can go," Dovahkiin said.
The courier merely raised his eyebrows, still tapping his foot.
"What?" Dovahkiin asked.
"Tip?" the courier asked.
Dovahkiin let out a deep, deep sigh that accidentally almost knocked the courier off his feet since it sounded kind of like a drunk Irishman whispering, 'Fus ro dah' in his sleep.
Dovahkiin fished in his pockets.
"Nothing, sorry," Dovahkiin had said.
"Oh!" the courier had breathed out, stomping his foot angrily, then storming out.
Another moment of silence passed as the courier struggled with the giant oak doors that led out, finally creaking them a tad open and squeezing through the slit.
"Soooo, ummm-" Dovahkiin began.
The Thalmor shot him with an ice-bolt.
And after that everything had been a blur. He'd wandered into some castle, been refused any armor despite these vampire hunters that were in the castle even giving their dogs armor, then stumbled out, forgot what he was supposed to do, stumbled back in, back out, off to some ruins, found a hot girl in bed waiting for him, well, ok, so it was a coffin, and she wasn't really waiting for him so much as for her ancient family to release her, but close enough, followed her to her freezing cold castle practically drooling, mumbled something about vampires to some weird guys with red eyes while still staring at the pretty vampire he'd found in the coffin, suddenly got bit in the neck, and after a series of dead junkie vampires and dead skeletons and lots of dead things, he was here, and Serena still wouldn't take a hint.
"So, uh, you got any romantic interests?" Dovahkiin asked.
"Nah, you gotta understand it's a bit hard having a romance as a vampire. A lot of people are obsessed about the whole age thing, and my last boyfriend died when I saw his shaving nick and kind of went into this insane bloodlust thing and sort of kind of killed him," Serena said.
Dovahkiin thought this over a moment.
Hot.
And cool.
"So are you enjoying vampirism? Eternal un-life? Immortality?" Serena asked.
"Oh. Yeah. That Thieves Guild lady said she wouldn't chop my face up to look like Ulfric Stormcloak because I was medically dead or something but I think she's just a racist. Besides, I don't really go for humans, you know," he said, glancing at Serena.
Nothing.
"Like, uh, I really only go for single vampire ladies. Especially ones with dark hair…. And yellow eyes?" Dovahkiin ventured.
"Ah. Well, I wish you luck," Serena said simply.
Dovahkiin sighed. He looked around the corridor.
"Oh, hey! This dead body probably still has lots of blood in it! We could totally share!" he said, pointing out a dead Dawnguard with his eyes rolled up and his tongue lolling out.
"That's okay, you can have it," Serena said.
Dovahkiin twiddled with the string on his amulet.
"Gee, sure is a nice amulet of Mara I've got here," he said.
No response. Serena continued to look at all the walls, no doubt lost in happy memories of blood-sucking and dead bodies and human cattle.
Dovahkiin coughed loudly, then said at the top of his voice, "GEE, SURE IS A NICE AMULET OF MARA I'VE GOT HERE."
Serena turned her head.
"What was that?" she asked.
"Oh. Um, nothing," he said awkwardly.
He thought for a moment.
Well, despite usually hiding in the shadows, Dovahkiin knew that vampires were usually fairly blunt people.
"So, hey, we should, like, get married or something," he said.
Serena turned around.
"What?" she asked.
"Like, married. Or whatever. And whatnot. And such," he said.
"Ohhhhh. Um. Uhhh. I, uh, don't like churches?" she ventured, her voice sounding as if even she didn't believe it.
Dovahkiin frowned for a moment, his brow furrowing.
"But, hey, you and I went to a church that one time to kill those priests," Dovahkiin said.
"Oh, yeah, fun times," Serena said, her eyes glazing over with memory. Or bloodlust. One of the two.
"So you do like churches!" Dovahkiin exclaimed.
"Oh, um…. Not really," Serena said.
She nervously looked around the corridor.
"Hey! Look at that, a vampire turtle! That's pretty cool! We should name it Wilbert!" she said eagerly, pointing gladly at the white-skinned, red-eyed turtle placidly sitting in a corner.
Dovahkiin sighed.
Serena stopped in her tracks. Dovahkiin did so as well, waiting as she stood there for a moment. She swung around, her eyes glinting in the darkness.
"Marriage, you say?" she asked.
Dovahkiin's heart rose.
"Yeah," he ventured.
Serena thought about it for a moment.
"Sure," she said, "And you know what?"
"What?" Dovahkiin asked.
Serena took him in an embrace, kissing him full on the lips.
That was weird. It tasted like dust and blood.
Dovahkiin ignored it, a huge grin spreading across his face. He looped an arm around Serena's shoulder, the two continuing down the corridor.
"I think we'll make a wonderful couple, Dragonborn. We can settle down in some nice crypt, with a few hags or witches as neighbors, a nice little neighborhood. Or we can keep adventuring! Much awaits us, Dragonborn!" Serena said.
"Yeah!" Dovahkiin exclaimed.
"Besides, who cares about a little age difference? You're, what, 27? And I'll be 400 this year? Hardly a difference!" Serena said happily.
Dovahkiin froze.
That dusty taste.
"You're 400?" he asked nervously.
"Yes? So?" Serena asked, "Really, when you're immortal, age makes no difference in a rela-"
Dovahkiin had took off sprinting down the corridor, Serena turning just in time to see him disappear into the darkness. She heard a large door swing open, then shut.
She sighed.
Oh well, Wilfred always kept her company, and who needed a lover when you had a bat?
Outside, the Dragonborn moaned, wiping his mouth off on his sleeves.
GrossgrossgrossgrossgrossgrossgrossgrossgrossgrossgrossgrossgrossgrossgrossgrossgrossGROOOOOSSSSSSSSSSS!