If I Leave, Would You Be Happy?
One-Shot
Sitting at her vanity, Alison stares at her reflection. It's funny, two years on the run had barely changed her appearance, but only few months in the place she used to call home and it was like she was someone else entirely.
Her hair's longer than ever, but her eyes aren't the vibrant blue they once were, instead they've dulled into a stormy grey. Heavy black circles are visible under her eyes, even through the thick layer of makeup. Her face is slimmer, her cheekbones sharp and hollow, and her normally creamy complexion more of a dull pale.
It's been three months since the day she came back to Rosewood, and things aren't any better now than they were then. Lt. Tanner is constantly on her case, still unable to decipher the truth out of her lies. Her father is still absent, A is still after her, and her friends are more distant than ever.
She can feel all four girls slipping away from her, and she knows she only has herself to blame, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. Because despite what they think of her, she loves them all, and she always has. Over and over she's tried to explain herself, show them that's she's changed, but in the end she's like poison and she ruins everything she touches.
When she'd been gone she'd dreamed of the moment she could come back to the girls, particularly Emily, but reality is never as good as fantasy. She'd spent the better part of her two years away trying to keep an eye on her friends, to make sure A didn't take it too far, she couldn't live with herself if one of them was killed because of her.
Unfortunately it didn't make any difference. Spencer's still skeptical, completely unconvinced that she's trying to change. Aria's trying harder than the others, but even she can't seem to trust Ali. Hanna's been trying too, and after she'd sobered up it had gotten a bit better, but not much. Then there was Emily, sweet, beautiful, perfect Emily. The only person Alison's ever felt this way about, the only person who makes her feel human and not like some kind of disgusting monster. The only one she's willing to let her guard down for, problem is, she's too late. Emily doesn't trust her, and after their shared kiss nearly two months ago the darker haired girl has spent every moment ignoring Alison.
Swiping away at the single tear she curses herself for being so weak.
She stands up swiftly her pale pink gown flowing around her.
Her dress is strapless, covered in a sheer layer of silver glitter. The pale pink washing her out slightly, but luckily her cascading blonde curls help hide it.
She's got one side of her hair pinned up, her makeup flawlessly done; she used to live for events like tonight. But this time is different, it's taking every ounce of courage and strength she possesses to even get ready for the dance, much less attend it.
Hearing her phone beep she picks it up, half scared that it might be from A. Instead she finds a photo of a passport, fake ID, and immigration paperwork all containing the name Victoria Darkbloom, along with short text.
Instantly her mind flashes back to the phone call she received two weeks ago.
"Hello…"
"Ali, it's Cece."
Relief washed over Alison's features, she'd been terrified to answer an unknown number but something had compelled her to do it.
"Are you alone?"
"Yes."
"So how are things…"
"Ce, their worse than ever. Coming back was a mistake."
"Is it Emily?"
The name hung in the air like it weighed the weight of the world. It was funny really, she hadn't talked to her friend in almost three months, yet she knew her better than anyone else.
"Yes."
"I thought you were gonna tell her how you feel?"
"I tried, she doesn't believe me. And even if she did, she's been spending a lot of time with Paige again she agreed to go to the winter formal with her… It's over."
On the other end of the phone Cece's heart broke for her friend, she'd never heard Alison sound so defeated and broken.
"It's okay boo. Look I actually called to see if you were still interested in Paris, turns out Vivian Darkbloom has a younger sister… I know a guy who can get you what you need, you'd just need a ride to Philly…"
Without a second thought Ali agreed, not because of Lt. Tanner, the Police, A, or the others, but because of Emily. It was breaking her inside watching Emily with someone else, and as much as she pretended to be strong she was weak.
"Okay, listen. My guy's gonna get the stuff to a hired driver in Philly. Two weeks from today. Get a ride to there, have whoever drop you off at that old coffee shop we used to meet at, everything will be ready for you."
Ali nods. But then realizing Cece can't see her she answers.
"Okay."
"See you soon Al."
When she snaps out of her daydream, she wipes another tear from her face. Today is it. She's leaving Rosewood, leaving Emily, for good, and after tonight there would be no turning back.
Glancing around her eyes fall on the purple envelope that's sitting on her bed with Emily's name in cursive gold lettering across the front. It looked elegant and neat, a proper final goodbye to the only person who would ever hold her heart. Emily would hate her for it, but the girl didn't love her anymore, didn't want or need her, so it was better this way.
Sighing again, Ali grabs the letter, and her duffle bag before taking a last look around her room.
Emily's dancing with Paige, her floor length navy blue gown brushing the tops of her feet as she sways. In her usual tom-boyish fashion, Paige is wearing a black tux jacket, her hair pulled to the side in an elegant bun.
Next to the pair Spencer and Toby are tangled up in a loving embrace, Aria and Ezra dance together wildly, both laughing joyfully at their light-hearted fun. A few feet away Hanna stands next to Caleb, his arm tucked around her waist, her head on his shoulder, both watching their friends.
It's a wonderful moment, the four of them and their partners enjoying a normal night out without all of the drama. But as they laugh and dance, each girl can't help the twinge of sadness because even if things are rocky with Alison, it doesn't feel right without her here.
Emily meets Hanna's eyes over Paige's shoulder, the blonde can see the hurt hidden there. Turning her attention back to her date Emily tries to smile.
She'd agreed to come with Paige, as friends, because even if they weren't together Emily still cared about the girl and truly enjoyed her company. They have a special connection and it's nice being here with her.
Paige smiles back at Emily, trying not to overthink the fact that this night should've been more.
As the song ends everyone claps loudly as the band picks up a new tune. When the first chords of the guitar sound, gasps erupt around the room.
When the girls hear the noise they immediately look in the direction of the voices. To their surprise Alison is standing at the top of the steps.
She is a vision of beauty and elegance; lovelier than a Disney princess, more radiant than the night stars, more beautiful than a fallen angel.
All four girls, along with their dates, gape up at her. Each of them in shock, as no one expected their former best friend to show up.
Slowly Alison descends down the stairs, her dress rippling, her curls bouncing with each click of her heels against the steps.
Emily's eyes follow her every movement, afraid that if she's looks away she'll miss something.
Ali glances around the stunned crowd, her insides screaming, but she keeps her head up.
She finds Emily's eyes over the sea of people and holds her gaze.
When she's to the bottom of the steps the dance floor parts for her, people both awed and terrified by her presence.
Slowly she moves towards the place in the centre of the room where her friends stand frozen.
She doesn't look into anyone else face, she only has eyes for Emily.
When she's standing a few feet from the former swimmer and her date she stops.
This is it. These are going to be her last moments with Emily; she has to make them count.
So swallowing her pride Alison turns her gaze to Paige.
"Paige, I know that Emily is here as your date tonight, and I respect that. But I am asking your permission for a single dance with her, and then I won't bother you again."
Taken aback by the sincerity and politeness of Alison's voice Paige just nods.
"One dance."
"Thank you."
Still ignoring the others she gazes up at Emily through thick lashes. Extending her hand out towards the darker haired girl, she lets the question fall from her lips in an almost shy manner.
"Emily, may I have this dance."
Emily looks around at her friends, none of whom have moved, then towards Paige. She desperately wants to dance with Alison, wants to hold her close and feel her warmth because no matter how angry she gets with the girl for lying she will always love her.
Getting another nod from Paige she reaches out and takes Ali's hand, letting the blonde guide her away from the others.
Alison gently rests her hands just above Emily's hips as the taller girl places her arms around the blonde's shoulders.
Instantly they more in closer together, their bodies almost flush together.
As the music continues to play the pair moves slowly together, neither taking their eyes off of the other.
Locked in an intense staring match, Emily feels like she can see deep into Alison's heart, into her soul. For the first time she believes with 100% of her being that Alison's feeling for her are real and not some game.
It sends a twinge of guilt through her because she'd been pretty harsh to the blonde about everything, and now she was here with Paige, when it should've been Alison.
"Ali I'm…"
Before she can say anymore, Alison brings a finger to her lips.
"I don't want to talk Em. I don't want to fight. I just want to be here in this moment. I want to remember this forever, so please, I'm asking you, can we just have this?"
The tone of Ali's voice as well as her statement raise suspicion in the back of Emliy's mind but she can't quite figure out why.
Deciding to ignore it and honour Ali's wishes she stays silent, she can apologize tomorrow, or even the next day. They have all the time in the world.
So instead of speaking she gazes back at Ali, and she knows the girl can see affection and tenderness in them, just like she sees it in Ali's blue… well more like grey… eyes.
The nearer the end of the song gets the closer and tighter they hold onto each other. By the time the bridge of the song starts their fronts are flush against each other, Ali's head resting on Emily's chest, just above her heart.
For Ali the music dies away and all she can hear and feel is the beat of Emily's heart. It's beautiful.
From a far the other three liars, along with Ezra, Toby, Caleb and Paige look on. The intensity and intimacy of the two girls' embrace is enough to make them look away.
When the song comes to a close Alison takes a deep breath against Emily chest, memorizing her scent, her feel, her warmth. This was it. This moment is the only thing she'll have left of Emily. The thought breaks her heart all over again.
Dropping her hold and stepping back, Alison gazes into Emily's face, studying her magnificence.
"You are beautiful."
Emily drops her gaze and blushes at the compliment.
"Thank you, for the dance. It was perfect."
With those words Ali moves in again and lightly kisses Emily's cheek.
"Goodbye Emily."
Not giving the girl time to respond Ali walks through the crowd, and up the stairs. She desperately wants to look back, but she knows that if she looks at Emily again she may never be able to look away.
And so she doesn't. Tears sting her eyes and she runs towards the exit.
Outside, there's a figure standing shrouded by the darkness. Ali immediately spots the outline and moves closer.
"I'm ready now."
The figure just nods and opens the door of the car for Alison before moving around to the other side.
Once inside the car the figure driving pushes off their hood.
"Thanks for doing this."
"I'm not exactly doing it for you."
"I know. But I appreciate it. Me leaving is just best, it benefits everyone, that's why I knew you'd help me."
The figure turns fully to face Alison. The girl's brown eyes are so familiar it's almost eerie. Before she'd left Rosewood she hadn't had time to compare the similarities between her brother and the eldest Hastings daughter. The resemblance is uncanny.
"Well you are right about that."
"Now point me in the right direction, you said there's a coffee shop correct?"
"Exactly."
Silence follows as they head out of Rosewood, towards Philly.
Back in Rosewood, Emily finds herself alone at a table. Her mind is racing a million miles an hour but the only thing that seems to stick is Alison. The feel of her lips on Emily's cheek, the soft curve of her body, the sincerity in her eyes.
It's enough to make the former swimmer crazy.
The entire time she's known Ali all she's ever wanted is for the girl to look at her like she's the only thing in the room. And tonight it happened.
Ali had come tonight, for her, and her alone, that much was obvious in the way she'd completely ignored everyone else. For the first time Alison looked at her with so much emotion and devotion that it made her knees weak.
What Emily couldn't figure out was why. I mean sure Alison had told her about her feelings, had kissed her, had tried to get Emily to give her another chance, but even through all of that she'd never looked at Emily quite like she had tonight, had never held her so intimately.
When their dance had ended Alison hadn't given her a chance to say anything, but instead she'd kissed Emily's cheek, whispering a goodbye and just like that she was gone.
At first she'd wondered if it was a hallucination, it wouldn't be the first time.
However when she looked towards her friends and saw all three of them, along with their dates and her own, gaping at her she knew it must've been real.
Now here she was, alone again, desperately wishing Ali was here, wishing they could talk about what happened. Instead she's stuck sitting her, waiting for Paige to return with some drinks.
It's only minutes later when the girl returns to find Emily staring hopelessly dazed out toward the dance floor.
"Earth to Emily…"
Emily jerks her head up to look at Paige; the girl's voice had clearly startled her.
"Hey, what's up Em, you looked like you were a million miles away. What's on your mind?"
Emily just looks over at Paige regretfully.
The look in chocolate orbs is enough of an answer for Paige.
"Alison."
Emily just nods, then sighs.
"Sorry. I know you don't like her, let's just talk about something else."
Paige can see that Emily does want to talk about Alison though, that she needs too, and as much as the swimmer hates hearing the loving way Emily talks about the former queen bee, Paige is willing to listen because no matter what she will always love Emily, even if her feelings are no longer returned.
Placing her hand on top of Emily's she lets out a breath.
"It's okay Em, I'm here, you can talk to me."
After a moment of contemplation the taller girl decides to spill.
"It's just that I've never seen her like she was tonight. Not really. I mean she's told me she has feelings for me, more than once, but somehow it was different tonight. I could feel it Paige. I could feel how much she cares."
Swallowing the lump that had formed in her throat Paige answers back.
"What do you think it means?"
"I don't know… that's what I've been trying to figure out. Everything has been so crazy since she got back, and my feelings have been everywhere. But the truth is, I still love her and I always will. And now, I just, I don't know. I'm terrified that she's going to break my heart again, terrified that I'm going lose her, but if there is any chance she's being honest with me I have to try. If I don't I will spend my entire life wondering about it, questioning everything."
"It sounds like you've made up your mind… so why are you still here?"
Startled by Paige's forwardness she looks deep into the girl's hazel eyes, studying her.
"I wouldn't do that to you. I promised I'd be here with you tonight."
"Emily, I know you're trying to spare my feelings, but you don't need to. Don't get me wrong, I still love you, and I'd love to have you back, but I know it won't happen. I see the way you look at her, and as much as it kills me, I see the way she looks at you, it's the same way I've looked at you for as long as I can remember…"
"Paige…"
"I just want you to be happy."
They stare at each other for a while, both staying silent.
"Thank you, it really means a lot Paige… and now I need to find Ali, I have to know."
Paige just gives the girl a sad smile and watches her walk away.
Emily decides to walk to her house before she finds Alison, wanting to change out of her dress. The lights are off and the house is quiet so she creeps up to her room, not wanting to wake her mother.
When she reaches her door she slips into her room. Instantly she's hit with a familiar mix of vanilla and lavender, Alison.
Thinking that the smell is in her head she unzips her dress, letting it pool at her feet before tossing on a pair of jeans and a hoodie.
As she's about to leave she grabs her phone from the place she'd thrown it on the bed, only then noticing the purple envelope on her pillow.
Alison's familiar handwriting was neatly printing on the front.
Emily
With nervous hands she finds herself tearing into the envelope, careful not to rip the letter inside. Breathing in deeply she unfolds it and begins to read.
My Dearest Emily,
First I want to apologize, once again, for everything I've ever done to hurt you. I spend every day regretting that I've caused you any type of pain, and even if one day you find it in your heart to forgive me, I will never forgive myself.
I'm also writing this letter to let you in on a secret… one that I've kept hidden for years, one that I wish I was brave enough to tell you in person, but I am a coward.
The truth is you, Emily Catherine Fields, are my heart and soul, the love of my life.
It took me until now to admit it to myself, because growing up I didn't even know what love was. But thanks to you, I do.
I know it's too late, that I'm too late. You're moving on again, and you should, you deserve the very best, you deserve someone who is pure and good and undamaged.
You are the most amazing and beautiful person I have ever met, and I feel lucky that you loved me, even though I never deserved it.
I will cherish our memories together until my dying day and I will spend the rest of forever treasuring every moment I got to spend with you.
The final reason I'm writing you this letter, is because as much as I love you, I'm spoiled and selfish. I can't stand by and watch you move on, watch you love someone else, watch you leave me behind.
I see the fear and the doubt in your eyes when you look at me, the way you avoid me when I'm around, I don't know how you did it all of those years, loving me while I treated you the way I did, you are so strong, but I'm not Em, I never have been.
Knowing that I can't be with you, that you don't love me anymore, at least not the way I want you too. It's shattered what little heart I have, and I deserve it, but I am too weak.
So I'm leaving, for good.
I've got arrangements made; I'll be on the next flight out of Philly by the time you read this. Please take care of yourself.
I'm weak and selfish and I'm a coward Em, but even so that will never change the fact that I love you, I think I always have, and I know I always will.
Forever Yours,
Ali
As she reads the last word the letter falls from Emily's grip. Silently she weeps, letting the reality sink in.
Alison loves her.
Alison left.
For a moment the place where Ali's lips touched her cheek burns the ghost of the blonde's voice in her ear.
"Goodbye Emily."
Standing in the middle of her dark bedroom Emily falls to her knees, sobs shaking through her body.
It's several minutes before she pulls herself together enough to reach for the letter again, letting her eyes roam the page hungrily.
The pain and sadness break way to anger and she tosses the paper aside kicking the edge of her bedframe, as she conceals a scream.
How could Ali do this!? But more importantly how could Emily let her!? If she'd only seen, if she'd only listened, if she'd only trusted, Ali could be in her arms at this very moment.
The thought of never holding her again, never kissing her soft lips or seeing her angelic smile ignites a fire inside Emily.
To hell with everything.
She won't let Ali leave again, she won't lose her again.
Knowing she may already be too late, she quickly grabs her phone and dials the one person she hopes will understand.
"Hey Em, what's up?"
"Ali, she… she loves me"
"WHAT!?"
"She left me a letter, she admitted that she's in love with me…"
"That great Em! I know things are rough with her and all of us now, but maybe this will be a turning point…"
"There's more… She's leaving."
The other end of the line goes quiet.
"Where is she?"
"Either on her way to or at the Philly airport…"
"I'll be there in 5."
"Thanks Aria."
When Emily sees Aria pull up into the driveway she grabs her bag and rushes out, not wanting to waste any time.
As she gets closer to the car she notices that there are two shadows in the backseat.
Opening the passenger door she sees her other two best friends in the back seat, both wearing curious expressions.
She honestly didn't think that either of them would care that Ali was leaving, that's why'd she'd called Aria.
She knew Aria would help her, because she was a romantic at heart.
Emily locked eyes with Hanna who just shrugs and rolls her eyes.
"You didn't think we'd let you do this alone did you?"
The tallest liar can't help but smile, knowing that her friends care enough to support her.
"Let's get going then."
It's nearly an hour later when the four girls pull into the airport parking lot. It's 11pm and Emily can't shake her nerves, because if Ali's already on a flight, she'll never find her. Spencer must sense her anxiety because she puts a hand on the ex-swimmer's shoulder.
"It's gonna be okay Em, we'll get to her. And if we don't, we'll figure out where she went. Don't give up."
"Yeah Em, true love always wins." Aria says with a smile.
Her heart starts to pick up speed but she nods at her friends.
Together they head into the airport.
When the reach the front desk they check the board of outgoing flights. There are about fifteen listed, and more that they can't see yet.
"Should we split up?" Spencer questions.
"We could cover more ground that way. If anyone sees her, send an SOS?"
"Agreed."
All four liars take off in opposite directions, for the first four terminals. The flights are all just boarding, but none of them can find Alison. They rendezvous back at the digital screen with the list of flights, briefly exchanging a few words before they all take off again. The third time it happens Emily can feel herself losing hope, she's exhausted, and the thought of never seeing Alison again is enough to send her over the edge.
Seeing a bench nearby she plops down on it, dejectedly staring out at the sea of people, hoping to catch a glimpse of Alison.
While her eyes dart around the crowd she notices a display on one of the airport signs. Hundreds of different post cards are lined up creating a huge collage with the words, "Where will life take you?"
Instantly her eyes stop on the last word.
Just above the question mark Emily notices a familiar postcard, one she hasn't seen for almost 3 years. Standing up with renewed hope she walks over to it and stares.
Her fingers reach out and touch the outline on the card. The Eiffel Tower.
A sudden thought strikes her, and without hesitating she takes off running through the crowd back to the digital screen of flights.
Near the bottom of the screen there is a plane departing for Charles de Gaulle Airport in Paris. It's set to depart at 11:40pm. Emily checks her watch, 11:13pm.
Instantly she knows.
Taking her phone out she sends a quick message.
December 15, 2014 11:14pm
To: Aria, Spencer, Hanna
I know where she is. Meet me at Terminal 18. Hurry.
With that she takes off at a dead run, darting in and out of people, who give her dirty looks and shout in protest but she can barely hear them over the sound of her heart.
As she moves she feels the weight of the world lifting from her shoulders because she's going to do it, she's going to get Alison back. Alison—the girl she's dreamed about being with forever, the girl she loves, the girl who miraculously loves her back.
When she reaches the waiting area for flight 18 from Philly to Paris and sees that it's empty her heart sinks again. But she's not ready to give up. Instead she moves forward, avoiding two security guards who don't take any notice of her.
As she moves to where the plane is boarding she sees a line of people waiting to have their tickets checked by a grumpy looking flight attendant.
Frantically she looks at every figure in the crowd until her eyes stop on a tall blonde girl, wearing a red coat.
Her mouth moves before her feet and she can't stop herself from calling out.
"Alison!"
Emily can see the girl's body freeze, but she doesn't turn around, so Emily tries again.
"Ali, wait, please!"
Ever so slowly the blonde turns around to face Emily.
Alison stops breathing for a moment when her eyes finally meet Emily's chocolate ones. She never imagined that Emily would come after her, much less find her if she did.
It kills her to look away from Emily but when she sees three other bodies come up and surround the love of her life, she does.
Spencer stands to Emily's left, just a few steps back, a soft smile on her face. Aria and Hanna stand to her right, the smaller girl clutching Hanna's arm excitedly as the blonde just shakes her head and smirks.
She's speechless. Emotion swells up inside her and she thinks she might explode from the pressure. Before today she had every reason to leave, but in this moment they're giving her four reasons to stay.
A single tear falls from her eyes, as she drops her duffle bag and the ticket in her hand.
Without her conscious thought her feet start to move and she's running towards Emily. Perfect, wonderful, beautiful Emily.
Just as Alison takes her first strides forward Emily starts moving too.
Seconds later they collide in the empty space between them, Emily's arms wrapping around Ali's waist as the blonde's arms curl tightly around Emily's neck as she's hoisted off of the ground.
The both squeeze tightly, Emily spinning around to offset the momentum of their collision.
When she sets Ali back down, they pull apart just far enough to stare into each other's eyes.
"I love you."
It's the first time Ali's spoken the words aloud, and instantly she realizes how amazing it feels to finally admit it.
"I love you too."
Ali's smile is blinding. But before either can say anymore Hanna pipes up from a few feet away.
"Well are you gonna kiss her or what?" There's impatience to her voice than makes all four of the other girls chuckle.
But not one to ignore her best friend's wishes, Emily leans down and captures Ali's lips.
Instantly the blonde responds, kissing back, not giving a crap that there's an airport full of people watching.
As the kiss deepens, both girls are faintly aware of the clapping of onlookers and the cat calls from their friends.
It's romantic and amazing and everything Alison never knew she wanted. It's her own personal fairy-tale.
When they finally break apart she smiles at Emily, joining their hands together. Quickly she tosses her duffle bag over her shoulder and picks up the airplane ticket and tosses it in the trash.
"I won't be needing this anymore."
Emily leans in and kisses her cheek and together they make their way back over to their friends. Aria's the first to pull Ali into a hug.
"Don't you ever to that again."
It's Hanna who's hugging her next, than its Spencer arms around her.
"I'm sorry Ali."
When the blonde pulls away she looks directly into the taller girl's eyes.
In this moment she promises herself that tomorrow she'll go to the police station and confess her lies, she'll finally open up and tell them everything. And in the back of her mind she knows it won't be easy, she could end up in jail, or A could decide to finish her off. But it doesn't matter anymore.
"Me too Spence, but I promise, I'm done running. I'm ready to tell the truth, as long as you'll all stick with me, I know I can do it."
"We'll be here every step of the way."
Ali leans into Emily side, letting the taller girl wrap her arms around her.
"Come on let's get going."
With that the five friends headed back down the terminal, back towards the exit and the outside world. They all knew they'd have challenges to face, demons to overcome, but today had been the day of reckoning.
When the finally reach the car Ali climbs in the backseat with Emily and curls up into her side. She rests her head against Emily's heart and with a soft whisper falls into a dreamless sleep.
"I love you Em."