I never let my thoughts wander.
It is a skillful discipline, training the mind. It takes time and effort to force your mind to focus only on certain topics, or really any topic, other than the one you wish to avoid. Though it does take practice, this discipline, it can be done. You can make yourself forget anything, make a hole in your mind that is easy to skirt around, that is easily dismissed by the subconscious. And, given time, you can forget that you've forgotten at all. At least, that is what Impa tells me. What she does not realize is that that hole would be bigger than us all, that that hole would suck us all in if I let it go.
"But you set it right." she insists. Impa could never understand- I cannot forget my guilt and my blame. History unlearned never fails to repeat itself and if I let go...
The dreams haunt me frequently. Horrible dreams...dreams of anger and hatred and pain and loss. Dreams of the past, of the forgotten innocent, of sick, unreal imagination. All Dreams of a Future I must prevent. I have prevented. And yet...I hold on to them, I delve deeper into the madness not because I am afraid they will repeat in this life-as I tell myself, but because I am afraid that I will forget him.
I dread with all my being that I could one day wake and the memory of him be gone. I lose a little every day and fear a time when he will no longer walk as a ghost of regret upon my consciousness, his sacrifice burned into its edges like a tattoo. He who was good and kind and brave and right in a world gone so wrong. I'd relive all the pain and sorrow and bloodshed just for one glimpse of him, one real glimpse. Willingly I would. Willingly I do. And I wish, yes I wish like the little child I have never been, that he was here to remember me too.