Please tell me I'm not the only one who was getting Carisi/Rollins vibes from ep 10?
He could have taken the elevator. It's the logical thing to do because, Christ, the one-six is on level ten and—what are you doing here; go home, go home, go home—he's not quite as in shape as he used to be. He walks into the precinct that used to be a second residence but now is so foreign and as he looks around—go home, go home, go home; you don't belong here anymore!—he notices that nothing is the same. The atmosphere is different and two of the detectives-a silver haired man leaning over a blonde haired woman-are much too close to each other for it to be professional—he can't believe Cragen would allow that. But, he sees, the office is no longer Cragen's. He approaches the door that belongs to Sergeant Olivia Benson—go home, go home, go home, rings the chanting in his head—and he knocks. Entirely ignores the dark-haired man standing with a hand on each of Liv's hips. She's his Liv, goddammit and even though they never touched—you don't belong here, Stabler, he keeps thinking—the fact that this kid is touching her just rubs him the wrong way. He, for reasons unkown—who are you kidding, you know the reasons—has kept up, at least a little on Olivia. He knows about Lewis and—Christ, he should've been there— about how he walked. Took her a second time. And he should've been there then, too—but you weren't, comes the traitorous voice, you weren't—but he didn't know how to just walk back into her life. What could he have said? What would have made her listen, when she didn't want to hear? She tells the man to go and he mutters a Spanish endearment Mi propio Corazon and Elliot's not fluent in Spanish but he understands some words and that endearment would sound stupid in English. His eyes drink her in and she's giving him the soft, unassuming look she gives perps when everything else has failed. He never understood how she could get them to talk when his intimidation didn't but now that she's doing it to him he gets it. Because with that soft, understanding smile—which is fitting, because it's the look she gives dirt-bags—she makes him want to talk. He wants to explain and tell her the truth. Maybe she decides, then, that she doesn't want to hear, because after a second the face drops and it is replaced with anger and her voice grows cold and she's not interested in catching up, because he left without a word—you did this—instead she asks him what he wants. So many things, he wants to say. He wants her to forgive him. He wants what they had. He wants it to be that simple. He wants to kiss her, because he's always wanted to kiss her and goddammit he wants her to look at him! And she does and he has no convincing speech prepared. He doesn't even really know why he's here and so he spits out the first thing he can think of and he realizes he's just asked for his job back—in for a penny, eh? He thinks satirically—and the next thing he knows he has it. And there are requirements and stipulations. His temper has to be controlled. He has to tolerate Amaro, who he will certainly not like. He cannot control Liv. "You would call it protecting." Her voice is cutting, mocking, bitter. Slices through him like a knife.
She calls him out on having left her to watch her own back and he thinks perhaps this is his opening to apologize—do it quickly! The voice in his head screams—but she's not looking for an apology. She's not looking for an explanation. She wants him out of her office. And he goes.
Before he leaves he has to know, has to ask her what happened to his Semper Fi medal.
"It's in the bottom of the Hudson somewhere."
The brutally honest comment stirs up an agonizing pain inside him. He turns around almost immediately and locks her office door. Demands that they have a real talk. About his leaving. About her feelings. And he knows this isn't the time or the place—fuck that, you have to tell her!—and she knows, too. She tells him she's not sure when will be the time. Not until Harris is found after his escape, at least, and they know he's looking for Liv—Sergeant Benson, she demands he call her—so it's more important than ever that they find the creep. He tells her that he knows; he'd guessed; Sealview wasn't really a secret; they let her think they didn't know.
She never told him the truth about Sealview. He knows why—you would've killed him; you still will—but that doesn't mean her lie is any less painful to him. She could tell him now, he thinks, unless she knows his feelings haven't changed. That if it is him who finds Harris he will also be the last person to see him alive. She confirms this. Tells him that it is the same reason she hopes 'Nick' does not find Harris. Her two former partners, she insists, are so very alike.
He doesn't understand why he is so hurt. She didn't tell Cragen or Munch either. They all figured it out—she knew about the mole, after all—but she never confided in anyone and so it should never have hurt Elliot so damn much—you have no right to be upset—but somehow it did hurt. He does not tell her this. She does not ask. Perhaps she doesn't have to. Maybe she's always known this—known him. It hits him, though, that her new team knows. They understand why they have to find Harris so obviously she didn't keep the secret from them and, for that, he thinks he is allowed to feel betrayed.
She dismisses him, again, and finally he goes, badge and gun in tow. He asks the blonde from before, whom introduces herself as Rollins, though everyone else calls her Amanda, what they've got on the case and his world narrows to the note that was found in Harris's cell; I want what every man wants, Benson. And the three, four once Liv joins them, work in tandem and he is simply there. She sends him with Carisi to talk to the guards. Although Carisi is a tad exuberant, he does not hold the same grudge. He trusted Olivia's judgment that much. If she hired him back, he must be good, and the squad would work with him. "Or Sarge will have our badges."
And although Elliot wants to say something rude or snappy, this kid, Carisi, is his only ally. He'll take what he can get and so he thanks Carisi, although he knows, though the younger detective does not show it, that the pleasantry is for Liv's sake.
He's done plenty of things for Liv's sake, too, after all.
So he gets it.