Author's Note: Okay, after a long hiatus and changing my penname, I have decided to try something new. Please tell me what you think of the first chapter and whether or not I should continue, and I am speaking to both people who already know me and any newcomers; I just want to know what you think. Disclaimer: Team Fortress 2, Gordon Freeman, and anything else Team Fortress/Portal/Half Life related that may be mentioned belongs to Valve, and the horror movie characters belong to various movie producers/writers (the companies that produce these films don't know crap).

Also, whenever you see something in italics, it means it's a character's thought. Also, remember that this is a parody; I will try to keep the characters in character as much as possible, but there will be moments when they're out of character, intentional or not.

Cast (which actors play which characters, and classes in terms of the game):
Kane Hodder-Jason Voorhees (Heavy)
Robert Englund-Freddy Krueger (Soldier), Erik Destler, "The Phantom of the Opera" (Engineer) If you're a fan of Gerard Butler, don't worry; he'll be added later.
Doug Bradley-Pinhead (Spy) Other cenobites are Spies as well, and some have special abilities of their own.
Anthony Hopkins-Hannibal Lecter (Medic)
Tim Curry-Pennywise (Demoman)
Angus Scrimm-The Tall Man from Phantasm (Sniper)
?-Michael Myers (Pyro) Can someone tell me who gets more credit for this role/who did best?
? and ?-Ghostface (Scout) Yeah, I'm sticking with the idea that Ghostface is portrayed by two people, which makes sense for being the Scout, but I don't know which actors to put, and I don't want to resurrect anyone from the Scream franchise. For this Ghostface, Aidan and Snow are brother and sister who frequently get in fights with each other and accidently killed two people at a costume party who were using the Ghostface costume to try and kill Sydney for some petty reason that doesn't matter anymore because they're dead. If you have any suggestions for a possible actor and actress to play these two, let me know.

Don't see your favorite horror character here? Feel free to request 1. A Character, 2. A New Class and/or 3. An Actor/Actress you want to see. They can be:
1. A hero or heroine
2. An anti-hero or heroine
3. A Straight-up villain (serial killers or monsters are good candidates)
They can be from a movie, a video game, TV show, comic, or something else horror related.

Characters I would like to add later (and need a name for the Class they represent):
Dracula (anything to do with Dracula)-Vampire (can't get anymore specific than that (X )
Juliet Starling (Lollipop Chainsaw)-Cheerleader who wields a chainsaw to fight zombies. How freaking cool would it be to have her on the team?!
Carrie White (Carrie)-has telekinetic powers
Candyman (Candyman)-BEES! (and can attack people using mirrors and slashing at them with his hooked hand, I guess)

Without further ado, let's begin.

Groaning slightly, Jason slowly opened his eyes and slammed his fist down on the small, beeping alarm clock next to his bed, breaking it.

Ugh... Great, now I need a new clock. Maybe one of the campers had one... He got out of bed and stretched, his dead bones cracking slightly. He went down the stairs of an abandoned summer home on the edge of Crystal Lake and into the basement where he kept the various things that once belonged to the campers before he killed them.

Nodding once to his mother's decapitated head, he slowly opened one of the bags and began rummaging around, looking for a new clock. Anything will do, really, he thought, just so I have something to wake me up. He recently found out about alarm clocks, and he found them extremely useful for waking up earlier so that he could plan what he would do about the stupid teenagers that came to Crystal Lake on a weekly basis. And it also helped him to avoid Freddy.

Speaking of that bastard son of a thousand maniacs...

Fred Krueger slowly crept up behind Jason, an evil grin on his face. This was it, his chance at getting revenge on Jason for making a fool of him a few years back! He had to stop himself from laughing as he raised his gloved hand, ready to strike.

Before he could do so, however, a large chain with a hook on the end shot out of the wall and hooked itself into his wrist. Freddy let out a yell of pain as yellow blood started gushing out, causing Jason to turn around and look up. If he hadn't been wearing a mask, something very close to a smirk would have been seen on his face at the sight of Freddy struggling like a caught fish.

"Thank you, Pinhead," he said in a low voice, as the cenobite stepped out of the shadows. People always assumed that he couldn't talk, but they were wrong; he could talk, he just preferred not to, since it took a lot of effort, and he never really had anything important to say. He knew for certain that the Black Mesa worker that appeared on the news recently could talk, but doesn't, and no one assumes he was mute.

Xipe Totec, or Pinhead, as he is commonly called, nodded to him and said, "My pleasure, Jason." Then he sneered at Freddy as two more chains arrived and hooked into his legs.

"Damn it, Pinhead!" Freddy shouted, as he was suspended upside down, his hat falling off and his red and green Christmas sweater slipping down a few inches. "Why can't you mind your own business?! Surely you know what it's like, wanting revenge on people who kicked your ass, like that Cotton bi-"

He didn't get to finish that sentence as a fourth chain shot out and hooked into his tongue.

"Kindly refrain from referring to Kirsty in that manner, Frederick," he said coolly, his face not changing, but Jason saw a flash of anger in his eyes. It wasn't really a secret that the leader of the cenobites was interested in the young woman, and it was a lot more than simply tearing her to pieces, but that's neither here nor there, or at least not for now...Okay, I'm getting off track, moving along.

The reason that all three of them are staying at Crystal Lake will take a little explaining. Some years back, Freddy decided to try to return to attacking the children of Springwood by tricking Jason, disguised as his mother, to kill some teenagers so that people will think he has returned, which would bring him back since he quite literally lived on the fear of children. Unfortunately, Jason didn't stop killing as soon as Freddy returned, and a small group of teenagers, not wanting to be killed by either of them, found a way to bring them to Jason's home so that neither of them could hurt them. It worked, mostly, with the two killers fighting each other for dominance in both the real world and the dream world, until Lori, one of the teenagers, decided to intervene, ultimately leading to both of the killers' demise. They would have continued the fight in hell, but they were stopped by Pinhead, who kept them in their place for some time.

Eventually, Pinhead released them, with the condition that they were both to remain in Crystal Lake, unless they wanted to be torn apart by chains from one of the many puzzle boxes that were scattered throughout the world. One box, that could be opened from either side, also resided in Crystal Lake, so that he could keep an eye on both of them. Over time, the three of them formed something resembling a team when it came to dealing with the intruders on Crystal Lake: Jason would kill the people who were wide awake and wandering around, drinking alcohol, doing drugs, or in some cases making out with each other in the woods, Freddy would attack sleeping people in their dreams, and if a sinner found and opened the box, Pinhead and the other cenobites would promptly come and take him or her to hell. (Anyone who survived would run away in terror, and, if they were smart, would never come back again. The scrappy ones, who only survived the first time because of dumb luck, or had their smarter friend knock them out and drag them away, would be killed the next time.)

They weren't really friends, but they weren't trying to rip each other's throats out every five minutes, so it was a start.

Returning to the present, Jason continued looking for a new alarm clock while Freddy continued cursing Pinhead and Pinhead just stood there, looking bored.

Jason tossed the bag he was just looking through away, hitting Freddy in the chest, much to both Jason and Pinhead's amusement, and he promptly began looking through another one.

Gotcha! he thought triumphantly, as he finally pulled out an alarm clock. Despite looking older than most alarm clocks, it was still in working order and was made out of a thicker material than the cheap clock he broke that morning.

"Ahkay, yah 'ave ur clock! Can yu lawt me go?!" Freddy shouted. He was trying to say, "Okay, you have your clock! Can you let me go?" but the hook that was still in his tongue was preventing him from speaking properly.

"Very well," Pinhead said, and all the chains retracted, causing Freddy to fall to the ground.

"I didn't mean it like that, you asshole!" Freddy shouted, as Pinhead and Jason laughed at him.

"Well, maybe next time you should be a little more specific," Pinhead retorted. Freddy would have lashed out at him and probably end up having hooks trapping him again, but a bunch of bells were set off at that moment, alerting the arrival of intruders.

"Don't these teenagers ever read the news reports on the internet?" Freddy mused for a moment. "I'm pretty sure the words 'death,' and 'massacre' and 'Jason' should send up a red flag. Well, whatever, let's go make a plan to get rid of them." The other two silently agreed and followed him up the stairs.

Erik Destler looked up at the camp that he and his friend would be staying at. Not that many people came here, or at least many intelligent people, thanks to the rumors of the undead Jason Voorhees lurking around, ready to kill anyone who dared to trespass here. That would allow plenty of time for the two of them to stay out of sight of the FBI agents that would try to kill them if caught, keyword being try, since he couldn't be killed and he would kill anyone who came close to killing the good doctor.

"Cheerful place, isn't it Erik?" came his friend's voice from the driver's side.

Erik smiled and replied, "Certainly a lot better than living underground, Hannibal."

Explanation time! The two men in the car are Hannibal "the Cannibal" Lecter, and Erik Destler, or, as many people who either heard the legend or watched Andrew Lloyd Webber's musical called him, the Phantom of the Opera. These two actually met at the opera house that Erik was hiding in, when the stupid managers had sold box five, again, to Dr. Lecter on the opening night of Faust at the Opera House. Erik had considered killing him to give the managers a reason not to sell the box, but Lecter, being able to smell Erik (heightened sense of smell + living in a sewer for most of your life = failure at stealth), managed to stop him from doing so. The fight was brief and quiet, so as not to alarm the other people who attended the show, since Erik was supposed to be a ghost and Hannibal on the run from the FBI, and ended when the young woman playing Marguerite, known as Christine Day, made her appearance on stage, after which they both stopped so that they could actually enjoy the show.

Afterwards, Dr. Lecter found a way into Erik's hiding place, but instead of engaging in a second fight, the two sat down and talked, like the gentlemen they were. During their conversation, they found that they had some things in common: both had a great appreciation for fine arts, both tried whenever possible to have the best living conditions (Lecter even commented on how one wouldn't know Erik's house was underground unless they went outside), both-shock horror!-had romantic feelings for someone who didn't quite return them (for Erik, it was the aforementioned Christine, who stabbed him in the chest and ran away when he revealed himself to her for the second time, and for the good doctor, it was an FBI agent named Clarice Starling, whose rejection actually caused him to lose his hand {don't ask}), and both were serial killers that most of the world would like to see dead and buried six feet under.

They continued meeting, sometimes at Erik's place, other times inside of box five, which Erik told the managers to sell to no one but the good doctor (or at least his false name) from that point onward, and once even in the home that Lecter rented. Unlike the ungodly trio of Freddy, Jason, and Pinhead, Erik and Lecter actually became friends, and tolerated each other's faults. Lecter even acted as Erik's psychologist when it became apparent that Erik had difficulty getting over Christine, since she married someone named Raoul two years following their last meeting.

You're probably asking, "Why are they going to Crystal Lake?" Well, one of the stage hands at the opera house (stupid, nosey stage hands, haven't they ever heard of what happened to Joseph Buquet?) who had fallen into one of Erik's traps not only managed to leave the trap alive, but saw both Erik and Dr. Lecter and called the police on the cell phone he had with him before they could silence him.

So Erik and the good doctor had to escape the opera house and they narrowly avoided the F.B.I., including Clarice Starling, who apparently still felt bitter about Dr. Lecter not only getting away from her, but toying with her feelings as well. Using fake IDs, costume make up, and the money Erik and Lecter had, they managed to reach America without another run-in with the law.

They got out of the car with their two bags and entered one of the cabins that they felt sure was empty.

"We'll stay here for the night," Dr. Lecter told Erik, "and make plans for what to do next. Can you think of anywhere we could go where they won't think to look for us?"

"I've been thinking about going to Coney Island," Erik said finally, "where I could disguise myself as a clown or a fortune teller, but I don't know how you could disguise yourself. I can't really see you running a carnival game or selling popcorn without being recognized."

"Perhaps I could be the fortune teller, and you could build a mirror maze," Lecter suggested. "You are very good at that sort of thing and some people would like it. It would also help if our 'friends' should find us again; while they are trying to find their way to us through the maze, we will make our escape through a back door. You could even make the mirrors bullet proof so that they can't cheat and shoot the mirrors."*

Erik smiled. "I'll have to think on it a little more, but that's not a bad idea."

Shortly afterward, Hannibal started getting dinner ready. They didn't really have much, just some vegetables and chicken broth, and he made a mental note to find a decent grocery store when he found a way to disguise himself, but it would do for the night. Erik started unpacking his and the doctor's things. He set his violin on one of the two beds (in a spot he was not likely to sit on) and was just about to place Lecter's medical bag on the other bed when he jerked up sharply at the sound of a voice which did not belong to his friend:

"Move over, I can't see!" a male voice said.

"Shut up, or they'll hear us!" a second voice, this one female, hissed. Their voices came from the wardrobe. Without making any indication that he knew someone else was in the room, he went to his bag again and pulled out a long, red rope that had been tied into a noose, which he kept out of view of the wardrobe. He was going to open the door, and if he heard anything along the lines of, "Police! Put your hands where I can see them!" he would let the Punjab lasso fly over their heads and around their necks to choke them. A mistake that most police officers made when trying to kill him was not holding their gun hand to eye level, which was the only way to avoid strangulation. On the rare occasion that they had their hands at eye level when he threw the rope and tried to pull him close to shoot him, the bullets had no effect on him and he would then pull his knife from his pocket to slit their throats. He really couldn't lose.

"What's the worse they could do?" the male voice replied, not bothering to keep his voice down as Erik approached the wardrobe, the lasso behind his back.

"Did you see the man with the maroon eyes?!" the female voice snapped, losing patience herself. Apparently, neither of them were aware of the danger they were in as Erik placed his hand on the door. "That's Hannibal Lecter, you know, 'ate his liver with fava beans and a nice chianti,' who will f*cking kill us if he catches us?!"

This made Erik pause. Dr. Lecter told him that he had said those words to someone before, but it had been Clarice Starling, during their first meeting when he warned her not to overstep her boundaries, and they had been alone. How did these two know what was said and done?

"It can't be," the first voice scoffed, just as Erik started to slowly open the door. "He's not real, he only exists in a movie. Alright, five movies, if you count Manhunter and that sh!tty prologue film, the books that the movies were based on, and a TV series that more or less just came out, but still!

"I know it doesn't make sense, but we have to be-" She stopped mid-sentence as the light of the room filled the small space. Upon seeing Erik with the Punjab raised, the two teenagers both screamed bloody murder.

Author's Note: Thanks for reading. Feedback would be helpful. Stay tuned for part two, if you think I should continue.

*Footnote: If you can't tell already, the Erik I'm using is a combination of both of ALW's musicals (POTO and Love Never Dies), the book, and of course the 1989 version. So if one thing seems unusual for one version, check another. And I don't know if there are such things as bulletproof mirrors, but it sounds like something Erik would use.