He woke up suddenly, his fingers digging into the soft fabric of the cot, his heart pounding against his chest. It was the same dream again, playing over and over in his mind. Thane sat up and leaned against the wall, reminding himself that Shepard was alive. She was safe up in her room. But his words were no match for the vividness of the dream. He ran his fingers over the ridges on his head and sighed. It has been a few days since her return, yet he still couldn't bring himself to go up there. She needed time to recover and he needed time to meditate. When he heard that she had returned, he rushed to find her, expecting the worst. What he saw, he could not have prepared for in any way.
She was bent over the cabinets in Dr. Chakwas' office, bone thin, pale. She looked like she would turn to dust if he touched her. He had to steady himself against the door frame.
"Siha-"
He hadn't meant for her to hear that, but she turned to face him, her skin pallid, her eyes sunken. Seeing her like that nearly tore his heart in two. Now, completely stripped of rank, Shepard was confined to her room with limited freedom. But at least she was safe. A knowledge that did not bring him peace. As much as he tried to remember her as she was before, the smell of her hair, the taste of her skin, the heat of her body pressed against his, the only thing he saw was her skeletal frame and distinct feelings of utter despair and complete hopelessness.
Thane had known the moment she disappeared where she had gone. But he found out too late. By the time they arrived at Nos Astra, she was long gone. Not even words of consolation could contain his anger and frustration that day. However, as days turned into weeks, his anger became despair, but he never gave up searching.
"May I come in?"
Thane opened his eyes to greet the intruder. Liara stood in his doorway, a stack of papers, files, and OSD's in her hands. He nodded slightly in consent.
"Couldn't sleep either, huh?" she asked, putting down the stack on the table. "It's good that she's back, though. Right? I can only imagine what you went through."
"Is there something you need, Liara?" Thane asked, resuming his position against the wall.
"I just wanted to talk. I know you haven't been sleeping well. I don't think anyone has."
"I have not, no." he conceded. More and more, he found himself avoiding sleep for fear of nightmares. But even in waking hours, he could clearly remember every single detail of the past month, feel the burning scars on her wrists under his thumb. And it pained him each time he remembered.
"Let me help you." Liara offered, taking a seat next to him. "I cannot take away the pain, but I can at least lessen it." He flinched slightly when she put her hands on his face, glad for the momentary respite in his memory. If only briefly, Thane remembered the look in Shepard's eyes, dazed, drunk, and absolutely oblivious. He allowed himself a small smile.
"You love her." Liara pointed out, catching the fleeting smile.
"I think I always have, in a way. Shepard... grows on you. She is difficult and stubborn and often foolish. But she is unique."
"Yes, I know what you mean. Her methods, to say the least, are extreme. The first time we met, we barely managed to escape with our heads still on our shoulders."
"I can imagine."
"But here, let me help you. Relax."
Thane had never done anything like this. As such, he wasn't sure what to expect. He had heard of the asari mind melding technique but never experienced one first hand. Liara's fingers gently brushed against his temples and her eyes became as dark as his. The moment her forehead touched his, his whole life flashed before him. It was almost like flipping through a picture book. All his life was laid out before her, in clear detail.
He struggled to keep it all together, but the longer she shared his memories, the more difficult it became. Reality melded with the past and two became one.
Looking through the scope of a sniper rifle for the first time. Heavy in his hands, the metal is cold, calculated....
"This one must let go of all emotion."
"But what if I the victim doesn't deserve death?"
"If requested, this one must finish his job."
He watches silently as the bullet penetrates through the vulnerable flesh. He always hits his target. The death is clean, painless.
Racing against the clock, he had to finish.
His hands are steady as he aims his shot. The victim unaware, helpless. That doesn't stop him.
"Daddy, where are you going?"
"I'm sorry, Kolyat, I have.. work."
"But, you promised!"
"I'm sorry."
His hands curl in fists, anger overcoming his whole being. He was careless. Kolyat tugs on his jacket.
"Where are they taking mom?"
He doesn't answer. He promises himself to make those responsible pay.
The batarian begs for mercy, his screams filling the thick air. But he refuses to let up. Killing silently, mercilessly. No other emotion, just pure hatred.
"Hey! You ignoring me?"
She stands there like she owns the world, arms crossed, hip thrown to the side.
"She had it coming." she states. As he walks by, he notes the peculiar scent on her breath.
She moves recklessly, but firing with deadly precision.
"Don't just stand there!" she shouts, "They're not gonna kill themselves!"
"That son of a bitch sent us right into Collectors' hands!"
Her voice echoes through the chamber. He notices her eyes for the first time. The red had not completely wiped out the original blue. A conflict of colors. He wonders if there is more to her than she lets on.
Sitting in Life Support, his emotions in conflict. He doesn't need her help. But to spend a minute with her. Get to know her better. She strolls in, displeased expression on her face.
"Chambers said you needed to talk to me about something."
Perhaps he was being foolish.
The more she avoided him, the more it hurt. He couldn't understand why. Why did he feel dissatisfaction when she talked to Garrus? He had no reason for such feelings. This was his last job. He probably won't survive longer than the mission.
"You're still here?" she asks, her voice tired. The smell of coffee fills the mess hall. He smiles reluctantly.
"Not for long."
The memories dissipate as Liara pulls away, her breathing labored.
"I had... never experienced anything like this. You memories are so vivid."
Thane inclined his head slightly, a little dazed himself. To him, it was normal. But not with such intensity. Seeing his whole life flash by him was... odd. The emotions became jumbled, confused.
"Why didn't you ever tell her?" Liara asked, leaning against the wall next to him.
"Because it would have served no purpose. She had chosen her path, and I mine."
"But you must have known it was the wrong choice. I know that because I felt your emotions."
"Then you would also know that she would not have listened."
"Why did you come back?"
Thane sighed. That was a good question. One that he had asked himself many times.
"Perhaps it was the knowledge that I did not have much longer to live that compelled me." he replied.
"You said you met back on Earth. What happened there?"
"She was wounded. I took care of her. But she chose to leave. I would not, should not, have pursued. But against my better judgment, I did. As such, I am here now."
Liara's fingers reached for his face again and Thane braced himself for the onslaught of memories. They came faster this time, as if someone was fast forwarding. And then they stopped.
She is sitting next to him, wearing nothing but a pair of loose pants and a shirt, telling him about her nightmare. He listens patiently, fighting his body's urge to pull her close, the memory of their first kiss still fresh in his mind. Instead, he thanks her when she finishes. In reply, she inquires if he enjoys pain. He understands her sarcasm, but continues the conversation. Her simple view of life is... different. He watches her animated expressions as she tries to defend herself, her words frustrating him. She questions him again.
"Why the hell do you persist?"
He doesn't know what else to say to make her understand and see how much she means to him. The words escape him before he could stop himself.
"Because I love you, Siha."
The memories fast forward again in a blur of colors and emotions.
"Have you seen Shepard?" he asks, trying to hide his concern. Though he already knows the answer, he doesn't want to believe it.
"No, why?" Garrus questions.
"I fear she has chosen the wrong path."
"Don't speak in riddles to me, Krios." Garrus tells him, turning back to his console.
"There's nothing here." Joker tells him, waiving his arm at the dead planet.
"Search again." he pleads.
"We've already searched five times! I think we've found all there is to this waste of space."
He grips the back of the seat, completely at a loss, despair washing over him. He fears the worst knowing the possibilities. Knowing Cerberus.
"She's probably taking a vacation." Joker commented, plugging in their next destination. "Seriously, go drink some coffee or something."
He paces back and forth, unable to sleep. It has been three weeks and still no sign. Despair gave way to hopelessness. But he couldn't give up. Not yet. Not ever. His fist connects with the wall in frustration, rupturing the skin over his knuckles. The pain is a welcome change.
Liara's face was tear stained as she pulled away.
"If she never returned, you'd still be searching for her, wouldn't you?"
Thane nodded. But part of him wondered how long he would have been able to keep that up before he lost all feeling. That thought scared him more than he would have liked to admit.
"I'm sorry. What you went through. I understand now." she quietly whispered, wiping away the tears that were not her own. "No one should ever have to suffer like that."
"With time, I will move on."
"You should tell her."
Thane shook his head.
"There is enough pain already. No need to add to it."
"But if you don't tell her, she'll -"
"Please. Liara. I appreciate your concern. And I thank you for sharing my pain. But that will not be necessary."
"Your decision." she concluded and got up. "I need to go lay down for a bit. Never quite got the hang of these."
"Thank you, for talking with me." Thane said as she was about to leave.
"I know it's not easy to lose someone you care for. You're lucky Shepard is still alive."
He nodded in agreement, sensing regret in Liara's voice. He knew she was referring to Feron, her lost friend. Grief was better shared with someone who understood.
When Liara was finally gone, Thane allowed himself to lay back down. His mind was still reeling from the meld. But he did feel a little better. He was finally able to let go of his dream and remember the better things about Shepard. His fears assuaged, Thane closed his eyes. She had given him a purpose, a new life. He will not give it up for anything in the world.