June 12, 2014

Well, this is awkward.

They say that boy's aren't supposed to have diaries, much less grown men. But you know what I say?

Yeah.

Screw them.

You see, the thoughts and feelings just got too pent up and then I remembered some councilor lady from long back in high school saying, (imput high-pitched screechy voice) 'Eet iz goud to wrrrrite down yur feallingz in zee bouk!' So I was like, 'sure why not?'

I mean, it's not like the big bad guy of the year is going to sneak into my house and read everything I'm writing right? BAM! BIG BAD GUY OF THE YEAR READS MY DIARY AND KILLS MY AUNT! Brrr. But then again, if I write anonymously, without inputting any real names, adresses, whatnot and web this to my utility belt with extra webbing and lock it with a padlock, it should be fine right? Okay, not a padlock because they're heavy and slow me down, but, you know, right?

I can tell already that this is going to backfire on me. It's going to kick me sooo hard in the tush.

But you know what? It's better than writing a blog on internet (*ahem* that's you, 'Human Torch') that could easily be traced back to the computer you're using, which -even if it's a public computer- can be hacked to view what I've seen or done, which -even if I use incognito mode/ hacking (which is really troublesome and risky)- is entirely possible and easy, and they could see what time I was there, and use the security camera's to view who was using the computer at that time, therefore seeing my face, finding my identity through pulling many strings, and, let's admit it, using public computers with the Spidey mask on is really awkward.

The people be like, "Hey it's Spidey! Let's go crowd around him and try to talk while he's obviously being busy" or "Hey it's the menace! Let's chase him outta town!" or "Ahaha, hey it's someone dressed as Spidey! What a loser!".

All reactions, I'm not sure I like.

So there you have it. I'm a grown up man in head-to-toe red&blue pajamas writing is his precious little pink diary.

Why is it pink anyways? Pink of all colors. I'm gonna have to repaint you diary. I'm sorry, but you'll ruin my already-sinking-lower-and-lower reputation (thanks doc ock for getting me named a murderer, though you did get me my own company. Thanks deadpool for making me seem off the kilter because you dressed up as me, though I'm really thankful you did that. I needed the sleep (refer to Deadpool Annual #2 if this is sounding suspicious and wrong). Thanks J. Jonah Jameson, for being you. I love you. Seriously. We should get married or something.)

Welp. I think I should get started on this diary confession session. Let's start with today.

I woke up early, got into my suit, and swung off into the love of my life, good ol' New York city, to stretch my aching back 'cus I fell asleep the wrong way. Woke up finding myself upside down with my feet next to my head. Weird. Anyhow, it was quiet and still, good way to start the day, as the past few days had sucked since Electro 'accidentally' blasted a whole in a smaller prison wall. Little crooks came rushing out like bees. In fact, just the other day, a bearded Santa-man tried to pickpocket me while bear hugging me like a madman when I walked pass him. Who does that? That's just plain gross (he smelled a bit like Wolverine).

But, nothing ever lasts when it comes to me, so of course a gigantic, yellow, scaly, humanoid, dinosaur-man tackles me out of the air like a 5-star football player and nearly flattens me against the freshly dried pavement of a newly constructed site. There goes more of our tax money. I would've felt sorry for all the damage I did to properties if it wasn't for the fact I was now dodging the sharply, manicured claws of beasty man. That means I must be the beauty. Beauty and the Beast.

The thing had orange-ish hair that grew like side-burns on his head and his scaly eyebrows made him really comical. Oh, how did I know it was a he? Dino-dino had the biggest ding dong's I've possibly ever seen. Next to the hulks. Which is why I now point out to you, the importance of pants. Pants = very important. Not everyone has the ability to make web-undies in pant-less situations, so that's a point for me, for being awesome. Now, back on topic.

After a few minutes I was bruising in a few areas but otherwise fine. Dino-dino was slow. Dodging was easier than originally thought (still got whacked like a mole a few times though. Too distracted by his miniature Dino-dino). PANTS! VERY IMPORTANT AND MANDITORY!

"Sir, you might want to wear something to cover your neither-regions," I spoke as politely as possible while jumping back from a Dino-dino smash, "It's kind of... distracting. I call foul play! How about I go call over a referee and buy you a pair of pants, and then we can continue this fight huh? It'll be fun, trust me! I never break my promises (other than a few dozen times), come on, please!"

"Gog won't allow," the Frankin-Dino-now-Gog growled, "Gog want to take Spider's life!"

That's when I remembered this Dino-Dash-man. Gog. He's the alien baby that Kraven the Hunter adopted from the alien baby adoption center and used to take over Savage Land. The one that grabbed Gwen in order to maker her his 'happy woman' at a Camp J.J.J. took us to, and in the end was defeated when I lured him into quicksand while my buddy ol' pal Ka-Zar dealt with Kraven.

Man I feel nostalgic now.

"Oh yeah! Gog! Buddy! How've you been?" I said, dodging his big, bulky fists, "Good? Me too! In fact, recently I bought these cool air-fresheners that smell like fresh pizza and tacos! They didn't really though. They smelt more like wet fresh cowpies and farts, so I'd be glad to give you one if you'd like one!"

"Gog want no pie poop, Gog want Spider!" He growled again, wacking me in the ribs with his fists after he almost wacked me in the face with something I'd rather not touch.

"What? I'm already yours, come here and give me a kiss!" I rasped, and kicked him hard in the face. Bad. Face bad. Face make Spidey sad because he almost dislocated something. It was like punching a wall. My feet are still feel numb from doing that.

"Y-YEEEOOOOOWWW!" I half-screamed, half-said as I pushed myself away from him, sticking to a half-built brick wall, "WHAT IS YOUR FACE MADE OF?!"

"No sand for Spider, no sand for spider," Gog jeered, slowly making his way towards me, "Gog won't drown again!"

No sand for Spidey. But there's still wet cement. So, I decided to do what I did to my buddy Juggernaut the first time we met. I jumped towards the drying cement, still facing Gog the friendly, while distracting him from looking down with everything that came to mind. I threw traffic cones towards him and taunted him by the most childish, elementary school insults I could think of.

"Hey! Hey ugly!" I called, "Hey fatso! Stupid! Barney-man! I bet you're so dumb you forgot to wear your pants today! They're probably lost in the lost-been-found bin or something at school and now you have no pants! Mommy must be so ashamed! Hey doofus! Diarrhea face! Constipated cheeks! Poop head!"

"DON'T CALL ME THAT!" Gog roared, and almost got me when he whipped his hands out to grab me. He tripped on the 'Careful! Don't trip!' sign (ah the irony) and fell into the large pool of cement.

"S-SAND?! SAND! NOOOO!" He screamed, and started to sink into the fluid. Really quickly. I didn't think this through.

"Gog! Listen" I asked, crouching on the wall across, "I'll pull you out with my webs! But you have to tell me where you came from and how'd you get here!"

"G-Gog! Gog want to kill Spider!" Okay.

"Where'd you come from?"

"Gog just woke up with no pants! Gog can't swim!"

"Did someone send you?!"

"Gog DON'T KNOW! GOG DON'T WANT TO DROWN!"

The cement was almost over his head, so I quickly got him with my web-shooter and heaved like I never heaved before. I tried imagining I was pulling up the anchor to some ship of victory, except my reality sensor kicked in and told me I was pulling up a nude, cement-covered barney-man from a pool of cement.

"Spider will regret saving Gog," Dino-Dino spoke so harshly that spittle flew onto my mask (ew), and he sloshed the cement everywhere, "Gog leave now, but bad things happen to Spider! Bad bad bad things!"

"Wait what? Okay, first of all, you didn't really answer my questions, and secondly, what do you mean-"

Of course, I never got to finish my sentence, because his tail almost whacked me in the face when he turned around and started running away like crazy. That got me super paranoid. What a wonderful way to start the day.

I had tried to follow his cement-footprint trail, but ended up losing him when he dived into the East river. Seeing nothing else I could do, I went to work as usual. Got home. Did some research on Gog, trying to see if there was any humanoid Dino-man reports in the news. Found squat.

Let's not forget to mention that my spider-sense hasn't stopped buzzing since. It's still tingling, even now, as if it's saying 'Ew, you're writing in a pink diary. Gross. This is very offensive to your manliness, so you'd better stop!' I wish there was an off-switch, or maybe a big red 'shut down' button in the middle of my forehead. It's unbearably annoying. Oh, but please, don't go away spider-sense, I would be bare without you... le sigh. The sweet hate-love relationship of me and my brain.

Also, there's this really fat fly buzzing all around me and it's getting really annoying. The worst part is, that whenever I kill it, another one appears, just as fat as the one I killed. Do I stink or something? Gonna go take a shower.

Spidey out.