CHAPTER 1: "oh shit"

[author's note: told from the P.O.V. of ness. oh god why]

It was a pretty peaceful day in Onett, especially by my standards. Everything was going normally: Loud, large objects were falling from the sky near my house, the cops were going crazy and karate-chopping kids in the street, people were eating burgers out of the trash, gang violence was running rampant, and people were still trying to get high on those mushrooms on the path to Twoson. Meanwhile, as any good cop would recommend, I was at home playing Nintendo games like a fucking loser. I was in the middle of a boss fight with a literal pile of vomit in some dumb game called "Earthbound" when I heard a loud knock at my door.

"Yeah, yeah, who is it?" I asked.

"Ness don't give me that bullshit, you know exactly who this is," said a male voice from the other side of the door. "Open the door already."

"I'm sorry, who is this?" I asked again, a bit confused.

"It's Ninten, you goddamn loser," said the boy.

Shit, I thought to myself. What am I gonna do about this asshole?

"Dude, I have telepathy, I can hear your thoughts," Ninten said impatiently.

Fuck you, I thought, hoping he would hear that too.

At last, I opened the door. As it turns out Ninten brought company. And a lot of luggage. Like, holy crap, was he taking an all-expenses-paid trip to my apartment? That was on the 4th floor? Of a building with a single elevator that was not nearly big enough for all of that baggage?

"Uh, hi," I said. "What are you three doing here?" I asked, looking at Ana and Loid, both standing behind Ninten. As any normal person would, I wanted some answers before I allowed a bunch of hitchhikers to settle down at my place uninvited.

"That isn't important," Ana replied quickly and confidently. All I could think was, Wow, what a total bitch.

"I can still hear you, Ness," she said.

"Oh, fuck off."

The phone rang. I picked it up. Surprisingly, it wasn't my dad sending me money for committing crimes against the people of Onett.

"What?!"

"Ness?" A scared voice answered.

"Who the fuck—"

"It's Jeff. I'm really worried—"

"Jeff, you have many things to be worried about. Like the fact that you still piss in your fucking bed, you're 15, you piece of shit, you shouldn't need a goddamn diaper."

"That's not what—"

"Go talk to your boyfriend about it, I've got my own fucking problems."

"But that's exactly—" I slammed the phone down before he could finish.

"Well, my day sucks," I said to my three guests. "How about you?"

The three of them stared at me. Loid was the first to speak up.

"Well, I got in trouble again for blowing up the science lab at school, except this time it was with actual dangerous explosives instead of just bottle rockets, so my dad got fined a couple thousand bucks, except he lives in a trash can in the swamp that's several miles away, so this isn't exactly the best situation," he said solemnly.

"First of all, what the fuck?" I asked.

"Loid's a bit of a... troubled youth," said Ana.

"Second of all, why does that warrant you barging into my apartment and expecting to be able to live here for no reason? Unless you're going to help me pay my fucking rent then you can get out of here, but I don't actually need any help because my dad will keep funnelling me infinite money so long as I keep assaulting people on the street and calling him about it."

The phone rang again. I didn't even look at the caller ID before I answered.

"Hello, who is this?" I asked politely, despite my current mood.

"Yes, it's Poo, of Dalaam," a stern voice responded. "We are in a bit of trouble over here, and it'd be very kind of you to help out."

"Who's 'we?' What kind of trouble are you in, exactly?"

"Well, Jeff just got out of school finally, I'm supposed to be overseas to complete my studies, and Jeff's coming with me. So do you mind if we stay at your place for the time being?"

God dammit, I thought.

"Uh, sure," I said uncertainly. "I already have some company over, but they should be gone in a little while." I glared at the three dumbass kids who'd walked into my apartment, who were now sitting on the couch and watching TV. They didn't seem to notice.

"Thank you," he said. "We will see you in a few hours."

The phone rung just as I put it down. "What?!"

"Ness?" A familiar voice started.

My mood lightened. "Paula?"

"I'm in trouble. Can I stay at your place for a while?"

"Of course!" We said goodbye and hung up.

I looked to my uninvited guests. "Okay, my friend Paula is staying for a while, you guys have to leave to make room."

They ignored me.

I looked out the kitchen window and sighed a heavy sigh. I pretty much knew I was fucked at this point, unable to find even a single redeemable factor in this entire shitty situation. For what seemed like a long time I sat at the kitchen table and put my head down and immediately started regretting all of my life decisions. I was awakened, however, from my emo mope session, when Ninten walked in holding a half-empty bag of potato chips and his mouth full of food.

"So are we staying, or what?" he asked, completely disregarding the fact that I was being angsty and edgy at the moment.

"Sure, whatever," I said.

Huge fucking mistake.

"Where are you going to sleep?" I asked.

"We were thinking your room," Loid said without taking his eyes of the TV.

"No." If anyone's sleeping in my room it'll be Paula.

"Pervert," Ninten said.

"Not like that!" I shouted.

"In here, I guess," Ana offered.

How about the storage area in the basement, I thought.

"We can hear you."

"I know."

The doorbell rang. It was Paula. She didn't come in until she was invited, politely asked for food, and only brought a little bit of luggage. She was the only polite one who'd be in the apartment for the next few weeks, unfortunately.

"Are you sure it's okay for me to stay? I see you already have company," she asked.

"Yeah, it's alright. I'll take care of them," I said. "Where are the rest of them? Poo, and Jeff?"

"I don't know. They called me and said they were staying here, they should be here—"

A deafening crash sounded from the back yard. We all ran to the window. A mass of mangled metal was in the backyard, and two burnt human forms crawled out of it.

Oh my fucking god.

"So what's for dinner?" Ninten asked.