Hey,
You've never been very good at hiding your true feelings, I can see it in your eyes, you know. It's just like an open window, right into your thoughts. I know who you're thinking about, as for me. I'm thinking of you, only you, always have and always will. You get that, look in your eyes. No, your entire being starts to glow, as bright as the stars in the sky, you shine up whenever you hear his name. Whenever you close your eyes, you shut out the whole world, including me. I want you too look at me, but you never have, have you? It was always him.
But if he was the only one you were looking at, then why did you give me a helping hand whenever I needed someone too? Why did you save me, over and over again? If I wasn't the one you were looking at, then why offer yourself? Why is it only you who can give me strength when I'm weak? Why is it only you who can speak the words I can't? Why is it only you who make me feel so alive? Why? Because every time you do give me all of these things, I fall madly and deeply in love with you all over again.
I miss you. I, want to see you. the person in front of me isn't you. Not anymore, it's just a shell. This shell is what's left of you, and I hate it. This isn't what I wanted. I want you back, just the way you were.
Falling in love is quite painful, huh? You give me all the joy in life, but you also bring me all the pain. But, I'll keep pretending. Tomorrow I'll be faking it, like I always do. Pretend to not care about the fact that you're not you anymore. Pretend like everything is fine. I will do this as long as you need me too, because I love you. Even though it hurts so much, I can hardly stand it. I will not give in to the throbbing pain in my chest, I wont.
If I would tell you the truth you would probably blame yourself. You would be completely torn from the guilt of knowing how much your presence hurt me.I don't have the heart to tell you, I can't stand the thought of seeing you hurt. But not being able to be honest with you is slowly killing me.
I secretly wish that you would notice me, that you would look at me and see that I'm crying. Even though I tell you I'm fine, I'm not. Be honest, have you ever heard of someone who actually mean it when they say they're "fine" or "ok"?
I understand that you are in pain, and that you loved him, but you have to move on in life. You can't just give up. I wish I could stay by your side, but you left me a long time ago. I'm sorry I wasn't enough, I'm sorry I'm not him. But I wish I was, or at least that I could give my life in exchange for his, so that you could be happy. That's really all I ever wanted, for you to be happy. It didn't matter if it was with me, just knowing that you would be out there somewhere with a big smile on your face. That would be enough for more than a lifetime.
_x_x_x_
Hey,
I really miss you.
I wish you would look at me.
I feel lonely because I can't talk to you.
I love you.
I want you to be happy.
I'm sorry, for not being enough.
I'm sorry for not being him.
I wish for you to open your eyes.
Please open them.
please, open.
open.
- "Hey, right now. Who's face is surfacing in your mind?"
_x_x_x_
- Isa Sophie Ring