France's Eurovision 2011 Woes

After his failure to reach the Top 10 in the Eurovision Song Contest 2010, France decided he needed a change of pace. If his upbeat football song wasn't good enough, maybe he should raise his standards and show Europe the best of French music, something so classy, so magnificent, so wonderful that everyone would just have to see he was the best.

He was going to conquer Europe's heart with the power of love!

He had already tried ballads before, so that was out. No, he needed something more impressive than that... something really elegant...

Then he knew. An opera song! It would be a novelty, which was sure to catch their attention, and with the right song, the right singer, and the right mood, he would have a one-way ticket to victory for sure! It was such a brilliant idea, he had to wonder why it had never occurred to him before. (Or maybe later would have been better, too, since he got the idea right in the middle of a meeting and started cackling a little at his genius, which caused some of his fellow nations to move a few inches away from him, looking more disturbed than usual.)

Anyway, back to the song, since it was going to be an opera, the song should ideally be in Italian, since it was the perfect language for it. On the other hand, he was France; he would never be caught dead singing in some other nation's language. Unless... oh, yes, he had the Corsican language! It was close enough to Italian, but it was his, his, his!

He really was a genius. Not only would he send the best entry ever in the history of Eurovision and win the contest for the first time in thirty-four years, he might even make Italy - even Romano - like him for singing in a language so close to theirs, in a genre that they had invented. Surely Italy would have no hard feelings about Corsica any more, right?

oOo

Once all entries in the final were over, France had to shake his head at some of his "competitors". Russia had written a really creepy song which everyone believed was for Lithuania. France could actually see the appeal in it, in his own way, but coming from Russia, it was probably for the best not to encourage him...

Then there was England, who was visibly grasping for straws. He was so traumatized from his results in the previous years, and now he was trying so hard... With a smirk, France gave him one point. Oh, how he looked forward to seeing England's face when he heard that he had got a pity point from France!

Spain, ever the naïve nation, was still in the wrong decade and had an entry with a cheerful Latin tune, a flowery background and a silly choreography. Did he really think he was going anywhere with this? But, well, France was his best friend, so he loyally gave him his twelve points. He expected Spain to do the same for him, of course, but then again, he expected everyone to give him twelve points.

The only one who could almost match him was Italy, who was also in the wrong decade but had at least had the good sense to bring some classy jazz, which France could definitely appreciate.

So, this was it. The results were going to be announced. Now all France had to do was sit back and wait for his forty-two twelve points. He was leading the betting odds, so he was very confident about the outcome.

oOo

He was having a nightmare.

That was the only logical explanation.

Because this couldn't possibly be happening.

"15th place? That's... that's even worse than last year!" France bit his handkerchief out of frustration and cried manly tears. How could his earth-shatteringly beautiful entry only get twelve points from Belgium (his sweet girl, ever the sensible one) and Greece (was it a come-on?)? He'd got one pity point from Italy - Italy of all pitiful nations! - and Spain had given Italy more points than to him. Some friend he was!

Speaking of whom, Spain was all smiles for the cameras, but as soon as they were gone, he started showing his dissatisfaction like almost everyone else. He wasn't too sad about Azerbaijan's victory like most, but he was apparently very disappointed that the Italy brothers and Belgium hadn't helped him at all.

"Everyone else votes for their neighbours, so why can't no one do the same for me? Why didn't my Latin brothers vote for me? Oh, I don't mean you, Portugal. You really helped me. Thanks!"

"What the..." said France, his jaw hitting the floor. "Spain, you bastard! I gave you twelve points, too! Have you forgotten all about me?" So cruel... Even his best friend was ignoring him now. A few more tears were shed. No one loved him. No one. Was it because he didn't speak English? It wasn't his fault that his language was much more beautiful and romantic than the language of that caterpillar-browed pirate...

Oh, speak of the devil... This wasn't going to be pretty.

"In your face, frog!" England gloated, grinning like a maniac. "I scored higher than you! Almost Top 10! I'm on the left side of the board and you're on the right side! I was even in the first place for a few seconds! Look, I took a picture! Take that!"

Life was so unfair... Until a couple of hours ago, he had been on top of the world, and now here he was, betrayed, abandoned, with an intoxicated nation cackling shrilly in his ear and shoving a photo in his face. It was too much humiliation. He couldn't take it any more.

"Barbarians! All of you!" he shrieked. "You wouldn't know a good song if it hit you in the face! I'm too good for this show! I don't need you!"

He stormed off, already making plans for the next year. No, he didn't need Eurovision. But Eurovision needed him. They just didn't realise that yet.

The End

A/N: This story was inspired by the Spanish commentators on TVE who, after the results, complained, "Why didn't our neighbours and Latin brothers vote for us? I mean, aside from Portugal. Thank you, Portuguese people!" They totally ignored the fact that France gave them twelve points, too! XD

Poor, poor France... Frankly, it was my favourite entry this year, even if the singer had some problems in the final. They deserved to win, or at least get a much higher position in the ranking. Well, no matter. This will always be the true winner in my heart.