I Can Do This. For Her, I Can Do This
"I'm not sure if I can do this Britt."
Brittany sighs. She turns and looks at me. She walks forward, and laces our fingers together. And then she looks me right in the eye and says, "I believe in you Santana."
The way she's looking at me, with so much belief, and love, I can't help but lean up and place a soft kiss on her pink lips. It was brief, but as I pull away, she's smiling at me. I smile back. "Thank you," is all I say. She pulls me into her embrace and kisses my forehead.
"You can do this Santana. I'll be with you, I'm not going anywhere," Brittany whispers into my hair as I hold onto her tight. I nod against her chest.
"It's now or never," I say, pulling away, lacing our fingers together once again, and walking with her towards my front door.
As we walk through the doorway to my home, not much sound is heard. All I hear is the sound of my mother, obviously preparing dinner ready for when my papi comes home. As Brittany shuts the door behind her, my mom calls out to us. "Santana, is that you mija?" She hasn't moved from in the kitchen. I grip Brittany's hand a little tighter when I hear her voice. She squeezes back to let me know she's there, she's not leaving.
Swallowing down my fear, and subsequently the lump in my throat, I reply, "Yeah, Mami, it's us."
This time she comes down the hall and meets us by the door. "Oh Brittany dear, it's good to see you again," my mom greets Brittany and pulls her into a hug, causing Brittany to drop her grip on my hand. I immediately miss the comforting contact.
"You too Mrs Lopez," Brittany replies, returning the hug.
"Please, sweetie, I've told you enough, it's Maribel," my mother insists. She then turns to me and hugs me. I breathe in her scent as I wrap my arms around her. She rubs my arms as she pulls back. "Mija, you're shaking. Everything ok?" she questions, and I immediately look to Brittany.
"Err; she had a slushy as we came out of school. It must have made her a little cold," Brittany lies, smiling sweetly at my mother.
"Well, you two come through to the kitchen and I'll make you both a steaming cup of hot chocolate," mom buys the lie and walks back through to the kitchen, leaving me and Brittany back in the hallway.
I turn to her. "Thank you," I repeat my earlier words whilst looking up at my girlfriend.
She hugs me, and whispers "you can do this" into my ear before taking my hand again and walking down the hall in the direction of the kitchen, taking me with her.
"Take a seat at the counter you two," my mom says without turning around.
"Um, Mami, when will Papi be home from work?" I ask as Britt and I sit on a couple of stools.
"About an hour honey. How was school?"
Mom makes conversation with Brittany while I sit there, trying to concentrate on what they're saying. I don't realise they're waiting for me to say something until I feel Brittany's delicate touch on my thigh under the counter. "San?" her voice snaps me back and I end up looking into concerned eyes. "You ok?" she asks.
I just nod in reply and squeeze the hand she has on my thigh. "Uh, mami, is it ok if Britt and I go up to my room until dinner? We've, uh, we've got quite a bit of homework to do for tomorrow," I ask my mom. I need to get away for a bit before dropping this huge bomb on my parents.
"Yes, of course you can. Take these up with you, just please, don't spill them," mom says whilst handing us our mugs. We smile at her and make our way to my room.
Walking in and placing my mug down on the desk, I flop backwards onto my bed and let out a frustrated groan. Brittany comes and sits next to my legs.
"San?"
I look up at her. "Yeah?"
"You don't have to do this if you don't wanna you know. I'm not gunna push you to," she replies, fiddling with her hands and looking down, wearing that adorable sad pout.
I frown at that. Sitting up so I can look at her properly, I take her hands in mine and search her gaze. "Baby, I love you, you know that right?"
She nods. "I love you too," she replies, smiling a little. "That's why I'm not gunna push you to tell your parents. I know it's a hard thing to do, and with all that you've been through with the glee kids and telling them was hard enough for…"
"Britt," I interrupt her rambling. She raises her eyes to meet mine. "I love you. So, so much. And that's why I'm gunna do this. So I can be with you properly. Officially. I'm doing this, so that wherever we go, I can hold your hand. Wherever we are, I can kiss you. Yeah, it is gunna be hard for me. The fact that I could go down there, come out to my parents and possibly be rejected. It scares the shit out of me. The idea of not being accepted by my own parents, the people who brought me into this world, the people who made me who I am today, it really, really scares me. But it'll be worth it. Because, at the end of it all no matter what goes down with my family, I'll have you. You're everything to me Brittany. The reason I'm going through with this is because of you. Because I love you more than anything. I'm doing this so that wherever I go, I'll be able to point to you and say 'that's my girlfriend'. And I'll be proud to let everybody know I have you on my arm. I'm proud to be your girlfriend Britt. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me," I tell her, wiping away the tears that have started to fall down her face. "I can do this, with you. I will do this, for us. Ok?"
Brittany answers by crashing our lips together. I wrap my arms around her waist and pull her closer. Her own arms hang around my neck and her hands get buried in my recently untied hair. I swipe my tongue along her bottom lip and she grants me access immediately. As our tongues battle, I push Brittany backwards on the bed and straddle her. My hands come forward from her back as we continue our heated make out session and caress her toned stomach under her Cheerios top. I feel both of her hands slip out of my hair and down my back till they reach my ass. They sit there and squeeze as our tongues massage each other. Having to pull back due to lack of air, we rest out foreheads together. My eyes stay closed until I hear Britt's voice. "I love you too."
I smile and open my eyes to find myself staring straight into the ocean blue eyes I fell deeply in love with the first time I saw them. I peck her lips again, before falling to the side of her and snuggling into Brittany's side, wrapping an arm around her waist. She kisses the top of my head. "We should do our homework babe," she tells me.
"Nah. I just wanna get my cuddle on right now Brittz." I snuggle closer and tuck my head under Brittany's chin. I can feel her heart beating. My own matches the rhythm of hers. The perfect beat.
"Santana! Brittany! Dinner's ready!"
We'd been watching reruns of friends for the past hour, just cuddled up on my bed. Cuddles with Brittany helped to relax me before the conversation I had to have with my parents. They always help calm me. I meant what I said to Brittany. I'm doing this for us. For her. "San? You ready?" she catches my attention and smiles sweetly at me.
I can't help but smile back. I nod. "Yeah babe. I'm ready," I breathe out. She leans down and kisses me quickly before we shuffle off the bed and make our way down stairs, hand in hand.
As we walk into the dining room, our plates are already set at the table, as are my mom and dad. "Hi papi," I greet my father and he smiles at Brittany and I.
"Girls, come on, sit down," mom instructs us. We do as we're told and take our seats. As usual, we say grace before we start to eat. Before Brittany and I arrived home, we decided that we'd wait until after dinner to tell my parents everything. She has a hand on my thigh the entire time during dinner, squeezing every time something comes up that isn't exactly something I'm gunna wanna talk about, just to make sure I know she's there.
Forty minutes, and some of my mom's famous Spanish paella later, we're all sat in the living room, relaxing. My mom and dad are sat on the larger couch opposite Britt and I, who are sat close together on the loveseat. Our pinkies are linked, and luckily, we're kinda known for that. I need the contact at the moment. Because, I'm kinda freaking out.
"So, Brittany, how are you and Artie, is it? Are you two still together?" dad asks, and I instantly tense. Brittany must be able to tell my change in posture because she changes her grip so she's holding my hand again.
"No, we're not together anymore, Mr Lopez," Brittany replies, smiling politely.
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear. May I ask why? You seemed very happy together."
"It just didn't work out. My heart wasn't really in the relationship. It was somewhere else," Britt says, squeezing my hand. I feel my heart swell and a small smile appear on my face at the sound of what she just said.
"Ok. Well as long as you're happy. What about you Santana? Is Sam still in the picture?" dad turns his attention to me, and my mom comes to life as well at the sound of my ex-boyfriend.
"Sam hasn't been 'in the picture' as you so called put it for month's papi," I reply, more harshly than intended. "Sorry," I apologize after seeing the astonished look on my fathers face.
"Santana, we don't appreciate being spoken to like that by our own daughter." The disappointment in my mom's tone is evident.
"I'm sorry mami," I repeat. I look to the side of me to see Brittany. She's pouting slightly. "Mami, papi, there's something we need to talk to you about," I say, never taking my eyes off Brittany. As the words leave my lips, Brittany comes to attention and her eyes instantly lock onto mine. She gives me an encouraging smile and squeezes my hand.
"Ok. Well what is it?" Mom seems expectant.
"Before I tell you, I just want you to remember I'm still the same person. And so is Brittany. Neither of us have changed at all. Ok?" Brittany squeezes my hand, most likely in thanks for including her.
"Are you girls pregnant?"
"What?!" we shout in union. "No, papi, that isn't it," I reply in a calmer voice, even though my heart is threatening to burst through my chest right now.
"Then what's going on?" mom asks, clearly getting a little frustrated.
I look to Brittany again. I need to see those eyes again, to give me the courage to go on. I look back to my parents. "I'm gay," I say in a surprisingly steady voice. "And Brittany and I are together."
My parents just look at us. Between us. Neither face shows any kind of emotion. Brittany squeezes my hand again. "How?" The question from my mother is surprising to say the least.
"Sorry?" I wasn't sure I heard her right. Looking back at Brittany, she looks just as confused as I feel. "What do you mean how?"
"You've both had boyfriends. You've both slept with boys. Santana, you've slept with more boys than it's possible to count. How can you go from that to being gay?" mom asks. I don't like the tone she uses when she says the last word.
"My heart was never with them mami. It's always been with Brittany. I'm in love with Brittany, and I always have been. The only reason I slept with all those boys was because I couldn't handle how I was feeling. I didn't want to deal with it. So I figured getting with guys left right and centre might make the feeling go away. But it never did. I love her mami. I love her more than I've ever loved anyone," I tell my mom, shuffling closer to my girlfriend. She instinctively wraps an arm around my waist. My mom looks to the floor, so I turn my attention to my dad.
He's smiling. "Papi?"
"I was wondering when you were going to work out who you belonged to Santana. It's about time you made Brittany your girlfriend," he states, standing up and walking over to me. He kneels down in front of me, and takes my hand in his. "I love you Santana. Nothing is going to change that, you will always be my daughter," dad says, wiping at the newly released tears pouring down my cheeks. "I'm proud of you mija," he tells me before pulling me into a tight hug. I hold onto him tight.
"Thank you papi," I say, pulling back. I see him extend his arm to Brittany.
As she stands, my dad pulls her into a hug also. "You take good care of my daughter Brittany," he says, and she smiles widely.
"I promise I will." As she pulls back, she looks to me and takes my hand, pulling me closer to her. "I love her too Mr Lopez. She's where my heart is," she says, looking into my eyes. I smile at that. I look towards my mom.
"Britt, can you and dad go into the kitchen for a minute? I just wanna talk to my mom alone quickly," I ask, looking back to my beautiful girlfriend.
"Course. Let me know if you need me," she whispers back, squeezing my hand and kissing my forehead before leaving with my father in tow.
I walk to the couch containing my still silent mother. Neither of us say anything for a few moments. "You know, Santana," she speaks quietly. I look to her as the sound of her voice flows through the air. "All I've ever wanted is for you to be happy. And safe. And loved, the way you deserve to be." She continues, slightly looking up at me. After a few seconds, she looks up fully and takes one of my hands in hers. "Is that how you feel with Brittany? Does she make you feel safe? Does she make you happy?"
I nod. "Yes mami. She makes me happier than I've ever been. She's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I love Britt with everything inside of me mom. And I feel safest with her. When I'm with her, it feels like nothing is impossible. It feels like I can do anything, be anything, as long as I have her. I love Brittany," I finish, looking up to find tears in my mother eyes.
"I don't have a problem with you being gay, Santana. I'm not saying that I'm happy about it. But I can with live it. As long as you're happy."
I wrap my arms around my mom in a tight hug. "I love you mami."
She smiles against my shoulder and wraps her own arms around me. "I love you too mija. Now go see your girl, baby. She's probably scared to death about what's going on in here," my mom laughs out and I laugh with her.
Pulling back I say, "Yeah, your right. Thank you," I say as I stand up. We exchange smiles and I leave the room to find my gorgeous girlfriend standing by the door. "Eavesdrop much?" I startle her with my words and she quickly wraps her arms around me, holding on tight. "Whoa, Britt-Britt. I'd like to be able to breathe thanks," I giggle, but I'm gripping on just as tight.
She pulls back slightly. "Sorry," she pouts. I kiss it away. "You ok?" she asks, smiling.
I smile back and nod. "Yeah sweetie, I'm great. Mom's ok with it all. She just wants me to be happy," I tell her honestly. "Now come here. I needs my sweet lady kisses," I say in a low voice, pulling her in to me again and connecting our lips. She still tastes of candyfloss.
"I may be ok with you two, but that does not mean I want to see you two with your tongues down each others throats in my hallway," comes my dad voice, followed by his laughter. We pull back and giggle at him. "Now come and wash up! You hardly do anything these days." I sigh. Yep, nothings changed!