And yet another OshiAto :)
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- Just because one needs something does not mean they love it.
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The sex today was exceptional too.
As always, he knew when to kiss you, how to kiss you, so that all you could think of was him… Where to touch you, just how to touch you, so that your mind went insane…
And as always you bit on your lower lip, even as you came, even as he came spilled inside you just moments later - only to keep from telling how much you loved him; you do not remember him specifying that he loved you, and you don't intend to burden him with the same.
Post orgasm, post clean up, he drifts off into slumber, you try reading a book under the dim bedside lamp, only to give it up in the favor of watching his calm expression as he sleeps, unaware of the surveillance you place him under. Your finger ghosts across the skin of his neck, where you marked him; you told yourself you won't do such a thing again. But when the time came, you forgot all your previous vows, he can do that to you.
When you finally close your eyes, it's out of exhaustion, rather than anything else.
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Truthfully, you are not quite certain what place you hold in his life, because you have never bothered, or dared to confirm the same.
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To him you are something like a habit, that's your opinion anyway.
You are like that morning cup of coffee, something he is used to, something he just has to have, maybe something he has come to depend on even - but not something of immense importance in his life.
You are not special.
Habits can be broken after all.
And you have to remind yourself over and over again, what you two did, was just have sex, he did not make love to you.
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How it happened is a rather simple story.
You kissed him, and he actually kissed you back.
He took it further.
And you just didn't want to stop.
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Earlier you thought you could live like this - just giving yourself to him, letting him do as he pleased.
You were being so selfless, not asking him to love you, not expecting him to love you, just trying to be satisfied with whatever he chose to give you.
You were only deluding yourself.
In truth, your so called selflessness was actually selfishness.
You were the one who wanted him in the first place, wanted this all along; all this time, you've been dreaming someone else's dream, to whom this dream belongs to, you do not know.
What you do know now ( what you knew all along, but refused to acknowledge ), is that it is not yours.
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You don't know if you should blame yourself, love was never a crime in your books, and you know you cannot blame him either, he has done no wrong, epitome of perfection that he is; sure he has tread the dangerous boundary in between more times than you can care to count, but then so have you, and you cannot bring yourself to point a finger at him after all.
Still, it would be nice if you had someone to blame…
You almost blink – since when did you start thinking thoughts like these anyway?
Your love for him is starting to scare you, it has already consumed you – body, mind and soul.
And now it is becoming warped.
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" Atobe.. I want to…stop. " You tell him the next evening, when you manage to find some time alone with him, just before practice.
You have been rehearsing it in your mind all day, even though you know it is rather futile to chalk out how something like this would go, but you couldn't stop yourself anyway.
A look of confusion flits across his face, you restrain the urge to roll your eyes. Of all the times, he chooses now to be dense; you don't want to go into a word to word explanation - you were hoping he would spare you at least that pain.
" I can't. " You say it quite calmly considering how you are feeling inside. " I don't want to. "
It is for the better of everyone concerned. It is.
Nothing good was going to come out of this, not for you, not for him.
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Your words sink in, he becomes silent for a moment.
" Oh. " Is all he says.
No questions, no demands for a better explanation, no whys', he is not judging you, your decision is accepted just like that.
This time, you do blink when you look at him.
Because you think you saw the barest hint of hurt mar his attractive features, just for a second, just barely…
With a quick nod, he goes off to change.
And you stay rooted to your spot.
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Because sometimes you forget he is a sixteen year old, just like you, who probably still hasn't found his place in this world, and is struggling for the same.
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Sometimes you do forget, in spite of everything he says and does, he is not God, just Atobe Keigo, captain of your tennis club in middle school, and freshman at the Hyoutei high school.
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You know you have no excuse, but you did forget, that this is exactly the way many treat him, and maybe he is a little tired of it; that being Atobe Keigo is not easy, not really… And you shouldn't have, you just shouldn't have.
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The most important thing you'll never again forget is that he is not incapable of love, even though it might look otherwise. You can't even begin to forgive yourself for that mistake.
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He doesn't come to you again.
And you know you just lost the right to go to him.
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Because you realized it only too late.
That it was all in your head.
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Owari.
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A/N: Thanks for reading. If you liked it, do review!