AN: A kinda-quick one-shot that hit me randomly and begged to be written. It has character death in it and some light ron-bashing.
Disclaimer: I do not own the great thing that is Harry Potter, unfortunatly. If I did Harry would have gotten with Draco instead of Ginny. Mores the pity.
I've heard that the world can be divided into various groups of two. Those that believe in God and those that don't; those that fall in love and those that don't; those that believe in the supernatural and those that don't; so on and so forth. For as many different things you can think of you can divide the world. Your imagination is the only limit. Me, I have my own group to add to the list: those that are afraid of falling and those that aren't.
I put myself firmly in the latter group. I want the rush of wind past my face, the adrenaline pumping high through my blood. I want that "Holy shit!" feeling that comes with putting your life at risk for a thrill. One thing people get wrong about the fear of falling is that they are afraid of the landing, the sudden bone-breaking meeting of body and ground. I think they are afraid of the fall itself. When you are rushing through the air and the ground rushes up as well to meet you, the knowledge of the impact is what most likely frightens people. Once you hit the ground there isn't much to be afraid of anymore unless you survived and then it's more of a "What the Hell do I do now?" moment instead. All of that is what I look forward to. Except maybe the imminent death part. I'm not suicidal.
But I love the fall. I've only even been in a controlled fall where I knew that I was going to come out of it alive. I am a seeker, controlled falling is part of the game when you need to pull moves off to catch the golden snitch. Flying a broom gives you control over your fall, but it's not total control. So it's not really the same thing as a free fall. I just want to know what it's like to go down without knowing if you'll make it because you don't have anything stopping you. No broom, no magic, nothing but you and the wind. It's nothing but a long, exhilarating fall downward.
There have recently been rumors going around about an old suicide at Hogwarts. Apparently the only successful suicide was a fourth year who jumped from the astrology tower one night. I don't think its unrelated to my case because recently I have been daydreaming about jumping from there as well. Not to kill myself, but to go through with my falling dream. That's what I want. And I don't think it isn't obvious. My friends always ask me what's wrong because I seem to fit the 'profile' of a suicidal. I try to ignore them. I have enough things to worry about with the Tri-Wizard Tournament and I don't need my friends following me around to see if I'm randomly going to express an interest in killing myself. If I wanted to kill myself then all I would have had to do was let the dragon have me. Or let the grindylows have me in the Black Lake during the second task.
But right now I am standing in the astrology tower. Its night time, past midnight because I left the Gryffindor rooms a little before midnight. If I want to jump then I need to do it soon because I know Hermione and Ron will soon be right behind me trying to get me not to follow through. I'm not going to jump to kill myself, and I don't think they would understand that. They want me to be suicidal, I guess, because they might be able to do something about that. But just wanting to jump for the hell of it? There isn't really anything they can do to fix that.
So here I stand, up on the rail with one hand holding onto the wall and keeping me from falling before I want to. It is windy tonight and my hair keeps getting caught and thrown into my eyes. I don't have my glasses on to block it and it's not like the hair can actually obscure my vision anyways. I'm practically blind without my glasses. But I don't need to see to fall.
I'm not too surprised when I finally catch the sound of footsteps pounding up the stairs towards the door. If anything I was wondering what took them so long. Fists pound the door for a moment as though they can't believe the door is locked. Moments later the door flies open showing Hermione on the other side with her wand still pointed at the lock. Took her long enough to remember the Alohomora to open the door, she must be really worried. I can't really see the blurry figures very well, but I don't need to see to know that Ron is right behind Hermione as they push their way into the door, that Dumbledore in his purple robes and McGonagall are there too. Unfortunately Snape has followed the group as well, most likely to spit acid at me in the form of my seemingly suicidal tendencies and the cowardice that proceeds it.
I smile at them at this thought knowing that they are wrong but not wishing to correct them. What would the fun be in that?
"Harry! Get down from there this instant!" Hermione shrieks in fear. Her hair seems to be growing, frizzing up even more in her panic and the dead run that she had to have been in just a moment ago.
I turn around fully instead of just having my face aimed in their direction. I pull out my wand and hold it loosely in my hand, prepared to use it if need be but hoping that I need not have to. "Hermione," I say calmly, more calmly than they probably think I should be in this sort-of situation. "Why would I want to do that? It would defeat the purpose of being here in the first place."
Ron speaks up next. "Mate, you don't want to do that." He tries to sound threatening. Does he seriously think that is going to get me down? Obviously he can't be friend enough to worry about me. He most likely thinks I'm doing this for attention. As if I don't get enough attention already with being the Fourth Tri-Wizard Champion and the Boy-Who-Lived. I don't want it.
"What are you going to do if I don't, Ron? Going to try to spell me down? I wouldn't if I were you. Who knows, I might just, slip or something." I say back with my own edge of steel in my voice. I'm not going to back down because some hot headed friend of mine assumes I have a suicidal mindset. You know what they say when you assume, right?
Snape steps forward, I can almost feel the anger and contempt swirling about him like his cloak when he walks. He only stops walking towards me when I grip my wand tighter and aim it close to his face, as close as I can see. "Foolish child! How dare you think that this is the only answer? The only way out! Get down now!" his voice is acid in my ears and makes me nauseous. "You're life is not so bad that this is the only way out! You know nothing!" he snarls.
I shake my head at him and lower my wand. "You're wrong. I'm not trying to kill myself." I say simply.
"Then why, my boy? Why?" Dumbledore finally asks. His voice is so sad that I almost want to step down just to make sure he doesn't have to have that heartbreaking voice anymore.
I turn away and look outside squinting to see if I can see anything a few feet in front of my face. It fails and I sigh as I answer, "Just to fall, Professor. To free fall." I say simply and take a step forward to fall off of the railing. As the wind starts to rush past me I hear someone shout out a spell, but it is too late and the light bursts apart feet above my head. The wind is whipping around me, buffeting me, and tears stream out of my eyes as my body tumbles towards the ground. The horses are back, beating and pounding along with my heartbeat.
Time stills to almost nothing, or at least it only crawls by. A direct opposite to how fast my body is going in its freefall. I can't help but feel my face break wide in a smile as laughter pours from my throat. The ground seems so far away even though I know that I am likely right on top of it. I can almost feel the crash landing strike through my body and I know then that I have lied to my friends and to myself. I didn't do this for the fall. I guess I was suicidal the entire time. Then I stop thinking at all when I finally hit the ground. I don't have to worry about the world going black, it already was.