Here's the thing. I lied.
I'm not proud of it. I didn't plan it, and frankly if I had, it probably wouldn't have gone as well as it did. I've always been hit and miss at improv, but this was a hit. It was completely spontaneous, and that made it seem completely genuine.
Genuine enough that I could see the impact on Harvey's face the moment I said it, and in that same second, it was already too late. His expression didn't change, not one muscle of his face moved. But I saw it in his eyes.
In most situations, I don't think I'd have much luck lying to Harvey. He knows all my tells. But this is different, because I was playing on his own doubts. Part of his brain already believed the lie, before I ever said it. Hearing me declare it was just a confirmation of what he already thought he knew,
I just couldn't stand there and let him give me the old "...that doesn't mean…" line. Again. How can I keep listening to that? Every single time, I feel like Charlie Brown trying to kick the damn football, and he's pulling it away with that same stony look on his face. Almost apologetic, but not quite. Like I'm the one who deserves it, for never realizing that this is never going to work out, and I'm foolish to maintain any hope at all.
So, when he said it, I hit back. I told him I didn't want more, not with him. That I didn't feel anything when I kissed him. I knew it was the thing he was really afraid of - that he would finally surrender to his feelings for me, only to find out that I wouldn't be there for him. It's always what he's been afraid of. And after all this time, after everything… if he can't believe now, then he never will.
I know it's wrong to lie to him, but this is a lie that I've been telling myself for so long, it feels like it should be true. So many times, I've assured myself that my feelings would eventually go away, if I just pushed them down hard enough, for long enough, and forced myself to pretend they didn't exist. I don't know how many times I've declared victory - sure that, this time, I had finally eradicated every shred of romantic love for this man, only to discover over and over again that I was kidding myself.
I might be a lot of things, but I'm not a liar. I'm a take-me-as-I-am kind of girl, I don't shrink and sneak and hide. I'm not afraid of being who I am, and anyone who doesn't like it can show themselves out. This is the one area, the one situation, where I haven't been honest about my feelings, maybe not even with myself. The lie was an escape hatch and a self-defense mechanism all rolled into one. In that moment, I desperately wanted to rewind - to take that kiss back and try to put things back the way they were. So I lied.
I'm not proud of it. But it worked.