Harry Potter: And the S*** that got F***** UP!
I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!
…...
Albus Dumbeldore was worried. None of the letters they'd sent to harry potter had come back. None of the owls for that matter either. They'd sent even sent Hagrid! And he never came back! Finally he went to Privet Drive himself to see what was going on...Only to be horrified to learn that Harry never lived there!
He'd had a search done...but so far nothing! He'd been hoping to keep this quiet...but after today that wouldn't be possible-
He tried to put his mind on happier things...the arrival of the Hogwarts express...a true marvel of British workmanship and magic...filled to the brim with new, eager young minds waiting to be educated...all of them happily tucked away into that...roaring...locomotive...that was roaring in too fast!
CRASH!
Dumbeldore looked stunned at the once pristine locomotive as it smashed through the castle wall...and a very drunk Harry Potter climbed out of the drivers seat...
…...
Things didn't improve from there. Harry was followed out of the train by not only students but a large group of adults dressed in purple. The leader of which claimed to be his legal guardian.
Albus hoped to figure things out after the sorting...Sadly that turned out to be a pipe dream. Instead of waiting to be called, Harry just grabbed the hat first an put it on his head-
GAH!
Screamed the hat as it committed suicide through spontaneous combustion. Indifferent to the looks of horror sent his way. Harry impatiently declared he'll just sit at the table his Birth parents did, which he dose.
Before Dumbeldore can say anything-
BOOM!
The entire 'gang' celebrates by discharging bullets into the sky-ceiling, destroying that one of a kind artifact forever.
Before, Dumbeldor can restore order, more gang members show up! Bringing Booze, guns, fireworks, and strippers!...things sort of fell apart from there...
…...
"Stay out of our medicine cabinet!" Threatened Madam Pomfrey!
"Those aren't for juggling!" Shrieked Madame Pince.
"That's a toilet not a sink!" Shouts an exasperated Snape.
"Which one of you brought this goat!?"
"Don't make the music in the castle go BOOM!"
"Who dose that to a cow!? Honestly!"
"Don't do that with the knives you idiots! You'll blunt them!" Screamed Mcgonagal.
Johnny Gat laughs. "You hear that boys? We'll blunt them!
Blunt the knives and bend the forks!
Smash the bottles and burn the corks!
They sing as they do just that!
Chip the glasses and crack the plates!
That's what Mistress Mcgonagal hates!
They throw the dishes to use as target practice
Cut the cloth and tread on the fat!
Leave the bones on the bedroom mat!
As they do that, some members release their dogs to add to the chaos!
Pour the milk on the pantry floor!
Splash the wine on every door!
SMASH! CRASH! OUR GOOD CHINA!
Dump the crocks in a boiling bowl;
Pound them up with a thumping pole;
SMASH! Went the table!
And when you've finished, if any are whole,
Send them down the hall to roll!
Having apparently given up on binging, they were now just food brawling!
So, carefully! Carefully with the plates!
That's what Mistress Mcgonagal hates!
They finished just as the fire works go off in a spectacular display...which then starts a fire...
Mcgonagal just sat on the floor and wept...
…...
TO BE CONTINUED?
AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't.
But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas?
Love me, flame me, review me