My first attempt at writing fanfiction and finally got the guts to upload it.
Shipping hayffie since forever. I would love to hear your thoughts and comments on my first story.
She stepped out of the shower - dripping wet, skin red, eyes sore. How long has it been?
She wish she could drown her thoughts in the shower, forget everything that has happened. She wish she could numb the fear within her but all she got were numb limbs. She stopped crying though.
She thought she could ignore the problem. Was it just a "problem"?
But she caught a glimpse of the results on the counter again. "Fuck." She mentally chided herself for swearing but this is probably an appropriate moment. She grabbed the test and shoved it in the bin.
Still naked, she sat on the toilet with her head in her hands and let out a frustrated grunt. She wanted to stop thinking - she needed to stop thinking.
It was driving her crazy. How would he react? He would swear, no doubt. Will he want this? No. Does that matter? Yes. Is she keeping it? Yes. Was she scared? Hell yes. Should she even tell him? Yes? Will he leave her?
She shivered. She had goosebumps were all over her body. She wrapped a towel around herself and stood in front of the mirror. The mist was gone, she must have been in there for quite a while. It's a good thing he wasn't home, he would have came knocking to check on her by then. Not that it happened often now but often enough when she first came to live with him. Those were bad times but they survived and here they are.
Is this such a bad thing? Things are different now. She is different. He is different. They are different. But would that make a difference to how he will react to this news? What would -
She needs to stop thinking.
Looking into the mirror, her eyes were still red and puffy, she let them trail down her body.
The scars hidden under the towel and -
She cannot bear to think about it. Yet. She will eventually. There are still a few days before he would be coming back from the Capitol. He is helping Plutarch to settle some issues regarding the rebuilding of the districts. Progress is slow but things are much better now. It has been 3 years since the war. Two since she came back with Peeta. One since she officially moved into his room. And now this. Their progress seems much faster than the districts rebuilding.
The thought made her laugh out loud. She IS going crazy, isnt she?
Maybe she should read, that would distract her enough. She finally got out of the shower, put on her clothes and grabbed a random novel from the shelf and started reading.
Well, it distracted her enough until she fell asleep with the book in her hands.
She woke up to the phone ringing. She glanced at the clock while she picked up the receiver. 11pm.
"Hello?" She said sleepily, rubbing her eyes.
"Hey Sweetheart, were you sleeping?" His voice brought her back to the problem she didn't want to think about.
"Yeah." Her mind wandering off now that she is more awake.
"Sorry. You don't usually sleep so early, are you okay?"
"And you don't usually call. Yes, just having a headache that's all." She lied. Was that a lie?
"You know how much I hate coming back to this place, I wanted a distraction. I will be back in a few days. You should rest."
"You too. Rest early." She put down the receiver and sighed.
She made a mental note to get rid of the trash in the bathroom before he gets home. She picked up her book and tried to read. Tried. She couldn't stop thinking. A dozen scenarios ran in her head.
She got up to make some tea and paused as her hands reached for the cabinet where she kept her sleeping pills. It has been a while since she touched them. Was tonight a good time to use them again? Just one. She thought. Couldn't hurt could it?
She took one and downed it along with her tea.
She got back to the book she was reading and stared at the words which her mind refuse to make sense of. It took a while before the pills took effect.
At least it was a dreamless sleep.
He wrapped his arms around her waist. She snuggled back into his chest and he buried his nose in her hair.
"Morning." He said.
"Morning. I thought you were staying for a few more days?" She replied.
"Yeah, you know how I feel about leaving you alone. Might kill my geese." That earned him an elbow in the stomach.
"I will kill you before that." She huffed.
He chuckled. "Your stomach is growling."
"Shut up." She slipped out of bed and headed to the bathroom.
Well, he might as well make some breakfast while she was washing up. They both knew who was the better cook in the house.
It sometimes surprised him that this was their normal. It was a normal that they've earned and deserved.
It seems so easy to fall back to their easy banter and for her to pretend that nothing is wrong.
She leaned against the counter and sighed. Well at least there weren't any signs of her breakdown from the day before.
After washing up, she picked up the trash and hid it beneath the waistband of her shorts. Now she needed a way to slip outside and dump it in the bin where he wouldn't look. That would buy her sometime to think of how to tell him the news before he found out himself. Her fingers brushed the skin below her belly button.
How did they let it happen? When did it happen? It wasn't like they keep track of how often they had sex.
Her stomach growled again, bringing her back from her thoughts. She adjusted her top to make sure the test was well concealed before making her way out. He wasn't in the room anymore and she could smell his cooking. Gosh, it smelled so good. She skipped dinner yesterday and she was starving.
She made her way down to the kitchen, feeling the stick cold against her skin.
Taking in the smell of scrambled eggs and toast, breakfast first.
She will think of how to get rid of the stick later.
"I am starving." She said as poured some milk for the both of them and went to sit at the table. The stick set uncomfortably between her thighs and waist.
"Maybe it's time for you to learn how to cook then." He teased, setting two plates of breakfast on the table.
"I would if you actually allowed me to touch your kitchen."
"Now thinking of it. After the last time you tried to burn down the house, maybe not." He laughed.
"I hate you." She took her plate and started eating.
"Me too sweetheart." He grinned, giving her a peck on her cheek.
They ate their food in silence. Her mind wandering again.
They have came so far. What did she do to deserve this? What did she do to deserve him?
She finished her food and stood up to put her plate in the sink as the stick slipped from waistband.
Shit.
"What is this?" He picked it up before she could.
She stood rooted to the ground, staring at the test in his hands.
"Sweetheart, this…" He was at a loss for words.
"You…" She grabbed the test from him before he could finish.
"Oh… This is nothing, probably a faulty test. Don't worry about it, I was just going to throw it away." She said almost too chirpily, turning her back against him and walking towards the backdoor.
"Don't." He grabbed her wrist. He knew that tone. He hadn't heard it for a long time and he never want to hear it again.
He had hoped she would stop doubting his love for her, stop being too good for him, stop putting him before herself. Deep down he knew he can never love her more than she does with him, she loved him too much and because of that she had been hurt again and again.
He tried to pull her close but she refused. He could almost hear her silent tears. He stepped in front of her and pulled her in.
"Is it mine?" It was a stupid question but he was never good with words.
"Do you have to ask?" She replied, slightly annoyed.
"Then why are you hiding it?" He knew why but he asked anyway.
"You never wanted children." She loved him too much.
"Things are different now." He sighed. He didn't know what to feel but he hate to see her hurting.
"I am scared."
"Don't be." He was terrified.
If things go wrong, they can figure out what to do together. They can be scared together.
She is good at that- keeping them together.
He sometimes wondered if she had stopped loving him, would she hurt lesser and feel happier. If she never fell for him, would she have never gone through so much pain. Would she have met someone more deserving of her love than him? Part of him is selfish and never want to let her go. Part of him wants her to be happy and if that means being away from him, he could let her go.
But they are here now and he wouldn't trade the world for this. He knew he didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve her. She didn't deserve him.
But he couldn't imagine life without her. Perhaps he is more selfish than he thought he'd be. Perhaps he did love her as much as she loves him.