Hi. This will be a shorter story to distract myself with while I brainstorm about my other fics. Total amount of chapters is unconfirmed, but I have no intentions of a long-reaching plot.
May contain OOC.
Infatuation. One of the most disgusting aspects of adolescence. In fact, it's often the selling point of adolescence-related media. Youths of all kinds will often make one-sided emotional investments in the concept of an intimate relationship with another person. A simpler way to describe it would be a crush. Said crushes are not nearly as innocent as they are often made out to be. People under the influence of a crush are anything but innocent. They are jealous, delusional, selfish, perverted and idiotic. Disgusting.
Unfortunately, as disgusting as it may be, it is equally inevitable. Even when you can see it for what it is, you can't escape it's grasp. Human nature forbids it. Male or female, an adolescent's hormones will instinctively select someone from the people they know, and urge themselves to develop an attraction to them.
Try as I might, even someone of higher thinking like myself can't overturn this natural order.
Even I, Hikigaya Hachiman, have someone I like.
Thinking about it logically, I really shouldn't have such unjustified feelings. In the first place, I'm not sure I'd enjoy being in a relationship with her. In fact, I'd bet that I wouldn't. It would end in disaster, and neither of us would particularly benefit from the experience. It was truly unlucky for me to have developed feelings for her, of all people. Thanks, hormones. I'll remember how useless you are when I become a cyborg in the later stages of my life.
Yet, no matter how much logic I apply to the situation, I'm unable to grind away my pointless, destructive feelings. Infatuation truly is a curse.
Well, at the very least, I'm an expert at hiding how I feel. If I had it my way -and I will-, nobody will ever find out who my crush is. In fact, I've such an acute personality that nobody should ever actually know that I have a crush in the first place. It's easy enough to repress the more destructive urges that usually accompany a crush. I can simply absorb the dark thoughts into my already dark personality, and the people around me are none the wiser.
The trick is to beware of the pitfalls of a crush. Jealousy, I find, is the easiest one to hide. To begin with, jealousy is a petty emotion not far off from hatred. I hide my hateful thoughts every day. You simply have to be aware of what jealousy looks like when expressed, and what it feels like when it hits you. After that, it's simply a matter of self-control. Remind yourself that they don't belong to you. I remember jealousy always used to tear at me when I saw her talk to other guys. Better-looking guys, nicer guys. But she never seemed to be interested in any of them.
Delusion and lust are pretty easy to hide as well. In the first place, those are things you're supposed to keep to yourself, unless your career or hobbies demand otherwise. Nobody ever has to know what kind of delusions you have in the middle of class, and nobody ever has to know who you think of when...
Ahem.
Idiocy, unfortunately, is probably the most damaging and unavoidable pitfall of every crush. It's the big killer. Infatuation clouds judgement. Anyone who's ever escaped from it can testify to that. While the relationship between her and I isn't one where it's appropriate to express affection, there are some times, although rare, we subtly go out of our way to help each other with some more... deep-seated issues. Or, at least we try to. I don't think we're capable of solving each other's problems, but it doesn't stop us from trying. It's these occasions that are poking holes in my cover. If anything will be my undoing, it'd be that.
I've been careful about it for... quite a while now. Actually, how long has it been since I first began to harbor these feelings? Even though my first impression was something like 'she's beautiful', I can say for sure that I didn't have these feelings when we first met. I'm not even sure what it was, if not her beauty. Was it the way she carried herself? The way she approached every issue she faced? Or was it because she saved a different side of her personality just for me? Whatever the reason, the feeling only grew stronger with time.
I thought I was in love once. Back in middle school. Oh, that ended so badly. When I went to school the next day after my confession was snuffed out, the humiliation I faced was enough for all those stupid feelings to float away and simply vanish. At least, I can take solace in that. If I still had feelings for Orimoto after that, I would have only suffered more.
My own logic insists that just as Orimoto was a crush, this too, must also be a crush. Even if it feels different, that's simply the deluded part of your brain whispering sweet nothings into your ear, distorting reality and attempting to convince you that this time is different and you are in fact, in love.
That's where most teenagers go wrong. They can't differentiate between infatuation and love. To them, it may as well be the same thing. Despite being a teenager myself, I know better. Where infatuation is disgusting, groundless and petty, love is selfless and tolerant. But still pretty disgusting.
So, even though it pains me to admit it, I'm no better than this idiot Tobe who's been yapping about his new crush for the past five minutes. It's amazing how he finds the energy to blab on for this long about a woman whose name he does not even know. Supposedly, it's some girl from the neighboring high school who works part time at a small ice cream shack in the middle of a local shopping mall. That one sentence is basically all he knows about her, and yet he somehow has the words to continue talking about her.
"And her eyes are like, so pretty, you know?" Tobe exclaims for the 384th time.
"Yes, Tobecchi, we know. You said that already." Miura drawls.
Why do I have to sit here and listen to this moron in the first place? I thought we were supposed to be here on business. It was Tobe's request, I think. He'd found someone new to waste his limited thoughts and unlimited energy on, but hasn't been able to strike up a conversation with her. Honestly, I like this girl already if she has the ability to make Tobe of all people go quiet.
Hayama and Ebina had come with him when he'd made the request. It's obvious why, or at least to me it is. Not having complicated affections within their little clique would allow them to maintain their little facade of companionship. Unfortunately, with Hayama, came Miura and at that point, it was somehow decided that everyone should come along because why the hell not. At least you brought Totsuka. I'm glad you buffoons did something right.
So here we all are. The service club along with Hayama's entire clique as well as the always welcome Totsuka, all sitting around at the mall consuming garbage and overall not achieving our original goal. We had all purchased ice cream at the little shack, just so we could all get a look at the girl in question. Yuigahama's idea.
She's good-looking, I'll give her that. If you're going to have a crush on someone you don't know anything about, she's probably not an awful choice. Not that you ever get to choose these things.
We had overcrowded the little shack with our collective presence, to the point where it was a little difficult to maneuver around. The store managers didn't mind, though. We brought some much needed business to their store. We probably just paid that girl's wages for the day. Perhaps Tobe thought he was being charming when he claimed he'd brought us all here for the great taste of their ice cream. A foolish idea. She had thanked him gratefully for that, but honestly they didn't seem to be in sync. Probably, in her eyes, it was more of a business offer than a romantic gesture.
Cut back to the present, and we're all seated not far from the shack itself, discussing ways to approach the situation. Or more like, ways to approach that girl. Hehe, I'm funny sometimes.
"Hey, do you think I have a shot?" Tobe asks with uncharacteristic calmness.
"Totally, Tobecchi! You should just go for it!" Ebina encourages him. Terrible advice, but then again it's not like she would have anything useful to say anyway.
If I want to go home before the end of the week, I should probably cut through all the nonsense and get to the point.
"Don't do that. It'll end in disaster." I voice my thoughts aloud.
It gets everyone's attention. Whether it's because nobody was expecting my input, or because of what it is I said, I can't be sure.
"Eh? Hikitani-kun?" I seem to have elicited the curiosity of everyone. Even Yukinoshita looks interested in what I'll say next.
I oblige. "You don't know anything about her. You don't know her name, what she likes, or anything about her. She might already have a boyfriend, or even a girlfriend."
"Hikki! That's so mean!" Yuigahama attempts to berate me.
"Speaking from experience, Hikigaya-kun?" Of course Yukinoshita would have to take a shot at me.
"Yukinon!"
"Yes." I answer her somberly.
...No response. What? You're the one who asked. Isn't it awkward when you try to take a jab at someone and then it turns out the insult you were making is truer than you thought?
"Hachiman..." Totsuka mutters sympathetically. Oh, sorry Totsuka. It's fine, really. Please don't worry your pretty little head over me!
Miura comes to Tobe's defense. "Oi, Hikio. Stop being such a downer."
Still playing the matriarch, I see. Regardless, you're not going to stop me now.
"No, he needs to hear it from me since nobody else wants to say it. You're all setting him up for failure. He knows nothing about her but more importantly, she knows even less about him. To her, Tobe's just a customer at the place she works. The only way a direct confession would work right now is if she were an even bigger idiot than he is."
"Hikki!" Yuigahama is not happy with my blunt observation.
"Hikitani-kun, be careful with your words." Hayama offers a thinly veiled threat. It's rare to see him angry. Not that he scares me anymore. We've come a long way since we first spoke.
"Actually guys, I think Hikitani-kun might be right." Tobe passes judgement unto me.
"Eh? Tobecchi, you don't have to listen to him." Ooka says. I almost forgot you were here. Do you have some variant of stealth Hikki?
"Yeah Tobecchi, Hikitani's always gotta be a downer." Yamato chimes in. Whoa, there were two of you? How can you two stick to the most obnoxious clique in Chiba, and still have such little presence? Or is it because you're in such a vibrant clique?
"Nah guys, he's makin' some sense if you think about it." Tobe continues in spite of them. "Like, wouldn't it be kinda weird if a total stranger just like, asked you out?"
A brief moment of contemplation passes over the group.
Totsuka breaks the silence. "So, what are you gonna do then?"
Tobe makes a face as if deep in thought, although I wonder if that's at all possible. "Aaaahm, I dunno. What do you think, Hikitani-kun?"
Passing the ball back to me, eh? Sorry, but just because I know the rules, doesn't mean I'm any good at the game.
"I don't know. You're strangers in each other's lives. I honestly don't see how it would work out from here. Sorry."
"Ah, that's a bummer. Thanks anyway, Hikitani-kun. You might have saved me some embarrassment."
"Well, that might have been better for you in the long run."
Miura butts in. "Hah? What the hell are you trying to say?"
Her fierce glare and aggressive tone makes me nervous. I try to ignore it. "What I mean is, at least if he got rejected here, he'd be able to quickly move on and..." get a new obsession "... find another girl."
He just sits there and processes that for a minute. It's okay, I understand that he's slow and I have to be patient with him. Wait, was I just projecting Yukinoshita!? I steal a glance over and yes, Yukinoshita is still there. We accidentally make eye contact and she quickly breaks away. Wait, was she staring at me?
After a moment, Tobe does something reminiscent of Zaimokuza, as horrifying as that is. He puts his hand on his chin and his elbow on the table, and makes a face of intense contemplation, while making a loud and obnoxious "HMMMM" sound.
I'm not sure what he's thinking about, or even if he's thinking at all. But the entire time he does this, he has the attention of the entire group. As if the next thing he says determines our fate.
"I've decided!" He suddenly exclaims. The rapid shift in demeanor should have been expected from someone like him, but it did surprise me a little.
"I'm gonna go for it!"
Wait, what?
"That's the ticket!"
"Go for it, Tobecchi!"
"You can do it Tobecchi!"
That turns out to be all the encouragement he needed, because he turns and walks towards the ice cream shop with far too much confidence. It looks like he's ready for a fight or something.
Ugh. What a moron. All that lecturing and he ends up clinging onto the only thing he wanted to hear. Oh well, it really is for the best that he gets it over with. He's lucky. His crush is someone he isn't required to see on a regular basis. If he wanted to, he'd be able to cut her out of his life entirely without any hurt feelings.
When he leaves, Ebina immediately begins to gossip about the possible outcomes. The entire group quickly joins in. Of course they would. They're like baby sharks. As soon as one turns around, the others will bite at it's tail in order to become stronger.
After a few minutes, longer than I expected it to take, Tobe walks out of the shop with a somber expression. Trudging over towards us, the conversation dies down. The laughter is quickly replaced with pity and... could it possibly be concern?
"Tobecchi..." Yuigahama mutters his name in sympathy.
"..." He keeps his head down.
"How did it go?" Hayama asks. He's only asking out of courtesy. The result is obvious.
"She said yes!" He suddenly explodes.
...Are you freaking kidding me?
"Really!?"
"Awesome, Tobecchi!"
"Dude, that's nuts!"
"I know right!?"
They sweep each other up in the mood, and are now making far too much noise. Honestly, that's an entirely unexpected outcome. But thinking about it now, I should have realized my own limited and sad experience with infatuation was not a reliable source. Ah, I feel kind of miserable now. Youth is unfair.
I don't let it show, though. Despite my distaste for youth, right now is supposed to be a good moment for Tobe. Even I wouldn't just ruin that without a good reason.
After that, we loitered around town for a few hours waiting for that girl to finish her shift. I would have gone home after that, since my job was pretty much finished, but Tobe insisted on treating me as thanks for 'helping out'. I don't really see how I helped, he was going to confess anyway before I gave him a depressing lecture, which he completely disregarded in the end. Well, free food is free food.
Ah, I really need to learn how to say no to riajuus.
I half expected Yukinoshita to take off after the confession. She's not usually the type to loiter, especially with a crowd like this. Apparently, her and Yuigahama have plans for the rest of the day, but Yuigahama wants to spend a little more time with her 'other friends' since she doesn't often do so anymore. I'm pretty sure their plans are going to end in a sleepover.
Yukinoshita can say no to riajuus, but she can't say no to yuriajuus, hehe. Ugh, I just grossed myself out with that lame pun.
Anyway, if Miura had anything to say about Yukinoshita sticking around, she didn't say it. I wonder if the two of them have talked any further since Miura's request. It's impossible to tell if things will ever improve between them, since the source of their conflict is Yukinoshita's history with Hayama, which she refuses to share with anyone.
I still wonder about those two sometimes. I know I shouldn't, but it's just so curious. Well, I still wouldn't pry where Yukinoshita doesn't want me to. If she feels like telling me, then she will. I'm fine with that.
Well, Yukinoshita's mellowed out lately, in regards to Hayama. They're not exactly friends, but compared to when I first saw them together she seems to have gotten over herself a little. Where she used to be hostile and blunt towards him, she's now able to at least speak to him amiably. I think it's because of Yuigahama. Yuigahama and Hayama are good friends, after all.
Yuigahama and I have talked about it a couple of times. I hated the effect it had on her. It's a good thing Yukinoshita was able to sort herself out, because if it kept going the way it did then I might have grabbed Yukinoshita and Hayama and knocked their heads together. It's not fair that Yuigahama should have to suffer for their nonsense.
We're just sort of walking around by now and Tobe hasn't left me alone at all since his confession, much to Ebina's gross delight. Oi, will your new girlfriend be okay with you being this invasive?
"Seriously, Hikitani-kun, you're the bomb, you know?" Tobe gives me worthless praise yet again, and throws an arm around me
"Like I said, I didn't even do anything. That was all you bro." I remark with a shrug. I wonder if he realizes I was mocking him with that last part.
"Yeah, well, you had some weird advice before, but the way you said it made me feel like it was okay to be rejected, and that made it, like, way easier for me or something!" He beams. Get your arm off my neck.
"It's no problem, really." If anything, I wasted my time here today.
"But for real, Hikitani-kun. You sounded so... like, wise or something!" He continues to praise me. It's starting to test my patience. "I mean, it sounds like you know a lot about love."
I scoff at that. I didn't mean to. It was supposed to be an internal scoff. But now that I've scoffed out loud I might as well say something to go with it.
"I know nothing about love. Don't even know what that is."
"You sure bro? Coz' it really like you know all about it, even though you look like that." He says that so casually that I almost don't realize I've just been deeply insulted. Whatever.
I really don't want to continue this conversation, but going quiet now would be awkward. I think of something to say that would wrap up the topic.
"I don't know about love, I know about infatuation. There's a difference."
Seems like I said something too complicated for Tobe, because he goes into deep thought again. Is this the secret to taming a wild Tobe? I just have to confuse him with profound statements?
"So, do you have someone you're... 'infatuated' with?" He whispers, with a sly grin. He does air quotes with his fingers, which is even more obnoxious because one of his arms is around my neck and is right in front of my face.
Ebina is almost having a seizure at the sight.
"None of your business, Tobe."
"That means yes!" He shouts loud enough for everyone to hear. "Hey guys! Hikitani-kun has someone he likes!"
Ugh, I hate this guy. That was so incredibly inappropriate and rude that I contemplate punching him in the face. I wonder if I could take him.
"Eeeh!?" The collective fake gasps resonate from the group.
"I never said that!" Even though I'm telling the truth, it somehow feels like I'm denying it.
"The way he says that just makes it obvious!" Ooka helpfully points out. Damn, he's right about that.
"You mean that Hikio has a secret crush?" Miura remarks insensitively. What other 'Hikio' could it be? Idiot.
"So!? Who is it?" Ebina asks with far too much enthusiasm. "What's he like!? Give us a hint!"
Um... he?
"There's really no one." I try to insist.
"H-hey, let's not pester him, right guys?" Yuigahama awkwardly tries to share her perspective with the group.
"I agree with Yui-chan. It's his own business." Hayama backs her up.
Totsuka, being the angel he is, tries to defend me. "Yeah guys, Hachiman's allowed to like whoever he wants!"
Um...Totsuka? You are completely right, but I think your point was a little different to what Yuigahama and Hayama were saying.
Well, either way, the group relents.
Tobe groans immaturely. "Aww, fine. But you have to open up to us some day, Hikitani-kun!"
No, Tobe. I really don't.
"Oi, Tobecchi, aren't you supposed to be somewhere?" Miura quickly changes the topic.
He makes a dumb face and contemplates what Miura could have been implying.
"Oh crud, you're right! Sorry guys, I gotta go like, pronto." He shuffles around like the buffoon he is, and then bolts off like a madman.
Oh, what a shame to see you go, Tobe. It's fine, I understand. Oh no, don't mind me. I'll be fine. Really. Hehe.
"Go get 'em, Tobecchi!"
"Good luck, Tobecchi!"
"Knock 'em dead, Tobecchi!"
The group offers idiotic words of encouragement. He's going on a date, you know. Not heading to a bar fight.
With Tobe finally gone, I have no further reason to waste my day off in town.
"Well, my work here is done. I'm going home."
"Ah, Hikki. We'll go with you!" Yuigahama decides without consultation.
Yukinoshita takes a shot at me. "Are you sure, Yuigahama-san? I can defend myself from this creep, but I'm not entirely sure I can protect you as well."
Her little jab earns chuckles from the group, and she makes a surprised face at the sound. Um, I don't think she was trying to humor you all.
Anyway, with that, we split off from the group. It's a shame to have to leave Totsuka, but I mustn't spoil myself with too much of his presence. Oi, you all too. See him home safely, or else.
We're nearly at the train station, and none of us have said a word to each other yet. What's with this tension? Did I miss something?
"Hikki..." Yuigahama begins.
"Hm?"
"Earlier, you um..."
"..."
"Nevermind."
"Okay then."
Good talk, Yuigahama. Not awkward at all.
"..."
More silence.
Eventually, I can't take it anymore, and break the tension. "I'm sorry, did I do something wrong?"
Yuigahama waves her hands defensively. "Ah, no. Not at all, Hikki. I was just thinking about stuff, is all."
"Like what?"
"Um... like, I dunno. Stuff." She replies vaguely.
"Uh, Okay."
Good talk again.
I look to Yukinoshita. She seems distracted by something, too.
We get to the train station and even get on the train without any semblance of conversation. I wonder if they are thinking about the same thing, or if they both just happen to be bothered by different things at the same time. Either way, it's awkwardly quiet between us.
"Hikigaya-kun." Yukinoshita breaks the silence.
"Yeah."
"You- that is, erm..."
"Yeah?"
"... Nevermind."
Good talk Yukinoshita. Great talk, even. Possibly our best yet.
"..."
"Hikigaya-kun."
"What?" This little game is starting to piss me off.
"Do you ever... wonder about Hayama-kun and myself?"
Huh? That was completely out of left field.
"That's... kind of a random question. Uh, I guess so. Sometimes."
"I see." She smiles to herself.
"Are you ever gonna tell us?"
There's something about the way I phrased that question that made it sound more meaningful than what I'd actually asked.
She looks up, still smiling. "Unlikely. It doesn't really matter anyway."
"Then why'd you bring it up?"
"It's precisely because it doesn't matter that I brought it up."
I ponder the meaning of that for a moment. I think I get it but I'm not sure.
"Alright then. Thanks for sharing, I guess."
"It's fine."
Yuigahama enters the conversation, and also changes the topic. "Hey, Hikki. Do you think Tobecchi's date is going well?"
"Not a clue. To be honest, I'm still astonished at the fact that she agreed to give him a chance."
"Yeah! Sometimes, you just have to go for it, I guess."
"Well, it might have worked for Tobe, but that's because there wouldn't have been any consequences if he got rejected."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, he's lucky that he doesn't already know the girl he likes. There wouldn't be any fallout if he got rejected, since they don't really know each other in the first place."
Yuigahama goes quiet for a moment.
"So... like, it's risky if you already know the person is what you're saying?"
I fall back into my seat, tilt my head back and sigh. "It's a little more complicated than that."
"How so?" Yukinoshita's the one to ask. Seems she's curious too.
"Well..." How do I even explain it. "In the first place, infatuation is nothing but an amalgamation of hormones and selfish desires. A crush will eventually fade unless it's nurtured."
"I see." Yuigahama mutters in response. "Is it... good to nurture it?"
"Well, that's up to the individual, I guess. There's a lot of things to consider, but in the end it's probably pointless because people with crushes are just going to act like idiots most of the time anyway."
That gets a laugh out of her.
The conversation picks up from there, but we don't talk about anything in particular. At least the awkward silence is gone.
In the end, I never figured out what was bothering them. The next time I see them, the 'issue' seems to have been resolved, and they were back to their normal, somewhat annoying selves.
8man has a crush! Can you guess who it is? I've left a couple of very ambiguous hints in the chapter, but I've also created some misleading moments to throw you off. Think hard about it, it may be someone you're not considering. Who knows? Only I know. The person in question was already decided before the beginning of the story, but I'd like to see who you guys think it is anyway. If you feel like it, I'd even like to hear why you think it's that person.
Every chapter will show his interactions with some of the females in his life, and I'd like to see who can figure out which interaction is the most fishy and solve the mystery before I reveal it at the end of the fic.
I think I rewrote the train scene like 5 or 6 times. It kept on either getting too way deep or I ended up dropping too many hints about who the crush is.
I also have an idea for a fic where the service club disbands, and after months of being a loner again, Hachiman creates a new club with new members, one of which may be Hayama. Depending on how much that idea annoys me I may write it out.
It won't be an OC. That just sort of seems like cheating in the narrative if I go out of my way to build the mystery and then throw a curveball like that. It'd be like doing the game with the upside down cups and then after you lose you find out the ball was in the dealer's mouth or something.
It's also not Totsuka, just saying. Like, I was thinking of making 8man's crush gender ambiguous as to imply that it might be Totsuka (or Hayama), but it turned out to be such a chore and it was ruining the narrative so I decided against it.