Author's Note: Hello everyone. This is just a quick little one shot I wrote so that Iris can express her feelings since the show refuses to show how she feels about Eddie dying and the status quo.
Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoy. Reviews are hugs.
Bang!
Eddie!
What did you do? What did you do?
Turns out I'm a hero after all…
My hero…my hero…my hero…
Iris turned over in her bed and opened her eyes. Another one. Another dream about Eddie. About him ending his life when he had so much to live for. She was tired of having that dream. Tired of it.
She wanted to have dreams about the good things she shared with Eddie. Not the worst thing that could have happened to him. To them. He ended, so they ended. And while she had been given a glimpse that maybe she and Eddie wouldn't have lasted, she didn't want them to end like that.
If the future stayed intact, and she really did marry Barry like she was fated to, she figured that somewhere along the line that's not how she and Eddie would have ended. Just like the way he broke up with her because he felt like there were 3 people in their relationship. Maybe somewhere along the way, Iris would have surrendered to all and stopped putting her feelings for Barry away under lock and key.
She essentially put those in a storage unit, a safety deposit box, or maybe even a time capsule. She could store them away, but know that they were there. Just not in her face like her feelings for Eddie.
She got to act on those. And she truly did have feelings for Eddie. How could she not? He was a good guy, he treated her right, he loved her, and she shared a home, her body, her life with him. She did what a lot of people do, shared herself with someone. There wasn't a reason not to love Eddie.
But if she was being totally honest with herself. Really deep inside of Iris Ann West, to the core of the woman that she is, she hated Eddie. Hated him for what he did even though it was a good and honorable thing that he did. It was hard for her to admit that because of how horrible it sounds, but it's the truth.
She loved him, mourned him, missed him and was angry as hell at him for dying. That felt really weird to say and admit, but she did. She was mad at him for dying. Even if she didn't grow old with Eddie and eventually broke his heart because of the complicated relationship that she will always shelter with Barry, she didn't want to be forced to walk away from him and them.
These are the thoughts that haunt her that she really can't put into words and tell someone else because of how horrible it sounds. People would look at her like she's a monster if she told people that it was extremely difficult to grieve for someone that you loved dearly, that you also were mad at for doing what they did. She felt selfish in thinking that she made it about her. But truth be told, she had a right to feel the way she felt. Eddie dying was about her.
His parents lost a son, Joe lost a partner, and his friends lost him, the force, everyone that knew and cared about Eddie lost him. And she lost a boyfriend and friend. Her loss was great. Eddie was a real person with real feelings that she loved. People gave her a sympathetic smile, hug, or rub on the shoulder, but they really didn't know what to say. It was like people didn't care that she was his girlfriend. She wondered if she was his wife, would the sympathy that she garnered be more heartfelt. Then she realized that it would be. People treated widows with more compassion. Hell, even Caitlin got more sympathy because of Ronnie. Iris was mad at that too. They both lost the men they loved, but it's like people felt sorrier for Caitlin than they did for her.
She again started to feel like a monster for thinking that too. She had a right to feel that way. Just because she wasn't married to Eddie, didn't mean she didn't deserve or need sympathy. She saw Eddie die. Caitlin didn't see Ronnie take his last breath.
Why didn't that matter?
Iris sighed heavily and got out of her bed. She had to get ready for her job at Picture News. And she was sure that she would spend some time at S.T.A.R. labs. For some strange reason, it didn't feel weird being there. It gave her a sense of purpose and helped her ease some of her pain.
Plus she got to see Barry. Their friendship was so strained that it was painful. It's sadly like they weren't best friends anymore. Barry moved out and back into his old place and she moved back in Joe's house. He totally distanced himself from them. Iris was angry at that too. She should be the one to move away.
But she has known Barry almost their whole lives and that's what he did. He ran. It's kind of funny and ironic considering he's now a Meta human with super speed that can run faster than the speed of sound. He was always running. Always.
He ran away so many times when he first came to live with her and Joe. So she understood it and was going to let him go through his shit because he deserved it. He had bad things happen to him as well. She knew he felt an overwhelming sense of guilt. And he should. She wasn't going to sugarcoat that. But that didn't change how she felt about him.
She would love Barry until her dying day. There was no way of getting around that. Even if her love and feelings for him confused her. Even if she still had dreams and nightmares about Eddie, she had dreams about Barry too.
Dreams that all of that was behind them and they were together. That they were happy and in love. She felt like a monster about that too. She deemed it disrespectful. It felt like she felt when she first went out with Eddie while Barry was in the coma. She felt like she was moving on and leaving him behind. She pushed that thought away because Barry would have wanted her to. Then she realized that she couldn't mourn for Eddie forever. Sure her heart ached for him at times, but it also called out for Barry all the time. The juxtaposition of her feelings made her think she might need to be committed.
She still loved Eddie and missed him terribly, but knew that he was never coming back. She also loved Barry and missed him terribly, and wanted to be with him sooner rather than later. She wanted the chance to act on her feelings. But she thought it might be too soon, but thought it was preposterous to think Barry would wait on her forever. But he waited years, a damn decade, to even tell her how he felt. Surely he could wait months, maybe a year, for her to be ready.
Iris worked through her day as best she could and didn't end up at S.T.A.R. labs like she thought she would. Those Eddie dreams seemed to weigh her down for the day. She felt like going to the roof. She loved that roof. It gave her a free space to think. Only Barry knew about that spot, and it was special to her because of her secret meetings with the mysterious red streak. All that time it was Barry. That was their spot. She was thankful that
Barry worked to put it back together. They had lost a lot, but she didn't want to lose that too.
She arrived to their spot and was surprised to find Barry there. He looked just how he looked the night she found him there before Armageddon happened.
"Great minds think alike." Iris says as she walks up to him.
Barry turned to see Iris. It now confused Barry to see her. He still saw the woman that he would always love and his best friend, and he also saw someone that it pained him to be around. He essentially ruined her life. It was hard to look at her and not feel his heart drop. It dropped because of the love and the guilt.
He smiled though because it was hard not to smile at Iris. "I guess so."
Iris hesitated. "Do you want me to leave you alone up here? I can find somewhere else to think."
"No, of course not. There's plenty of thinking space up here. Unless you want to be alone…" He adds.
"No, I don't want to be alone. That isn't all it's cracked up to be." Iris says as she walks up to stand beside him.
"Yeah…" Barry agrees. He's been doing a lot on his own lately. He preferred it that way even if it wasn't the best feeling.
They both just leaned on the wall and stared out into Central City. They were both glad they didn't hear sirens or an alert from Cisco.
"Then why do you do it?" Iris asks out of nowhere.
"What?" Barry asks as he turns slightly to look at her.
"Why do you insist on being alone?"
"It's better that way. No one gets hurt but me."
Iris let that statement linger for a bit. "Have you ever stopped to think that maybe your being alone was hurting other people?"
Barry searched her face. "What do you mean?"
"This. Us. It's killing me that we're not how we used to be."
"It kills me too, Iris. More than you know."
"Then maybe you should stop. We should stop."
Barry exhaled. "It's hard for me to look at you, Iris."
"It's hard for me to look at you too. More than you know."
"I'm sorry for all the pain I caused you. I truly am. If I had it to do over again, things would be different. I swear they would."
"Barry. You and I both know that trying to change the past isn't a good thing. It happened. We need to move forward."
"How can you say that? With what happened. With what you're going through. You hide it well, but I know you better than anybody. I can see the grief in your eyes." Barry says as he just looks at her. He can see it now.
"Yeah, I'm in mourning. Yes, I miss Eddie. I'm sick of having dreams of him. I see his lifeless body clearly in my mind. I don't want to anymore. I'm angry and I feel guilty about that and a lot of things. I'm hurt and I'm tired. I'm confused. I'm mad at Eddie. I'm mad at you. I don't want to be mad at Eddie or you. You both left me and I'm mad about that." Iris says. She wasn't prepared to say all that, but she needed to get it all out.
Barry again searched her face. He felt his heart drop when he saw the tears fall. He instinctively reached out to wipe the tears from her eyes. "Iris, I'm sorry." He says as he fights his own tears from falling. He had to. This was about Iris at the moment. He needed to let her have that. "You have every right to be angry with me. I deserve it. I'm sorry I left you. I know you don't need my protection, but it's inevitable."
"Yes, I have every right to be angry at you. But I'm not angry about that anymore. I'm angry that you don't think I need you."
Barry looked at the hurt on her face and felt nothing but grief and regret. "I just thought-"
"You just thought that it was ok to leave me to grieve for Eddie by myself. I often wondered if it was because you felt like it was your fault or because of the feelings that you had for me. Which one was it?"
Barry lowered his head. He looked back up at her. "It's both. And that's horrible. I'm the reason for all of this. I caused that singularity. Me. I'm the reason you're sad, hurt, and angry. I didn't think you wanted to be around me. Everyone is better off without me around to screw things up."
"The funny thing is, I never blamed you for Eddie. Well, I did, but not the reason you think. He could have still did what he did even if you didn't try and fix the past. I will always love him for the sacrifice he made. I know that you hate having to deal with the fact that he did that. I also know that some of the guilt you feel is because somewhere in the back of your mind you want to have hope that we'll have a chance because Eddie isn't here anymore. You hate thinking that because you think it makes you look like a sleaze to push up on your best friend that just lost her boyfriend. Though it hurts me to sometimes question whether or not we're still best friends. Plus I sometimes wonder if you still love me because it's not even this elephant in the room anymore. It really feels like you never even told me that you loved me. And that makes me feel awful to think about that when I'm supposed to continue to be the loyal girlfriend whose boyfriend died. The boyfriend that I really did love because he was a great boyfriend and a great guy. The boyfriend that I'm mad at for dying. The great guy that I eventually would have had to ruin for another woman. I knew that one day I was going to realize that as great as Eddie was, and he wouldn't have deserved it one bit, he was going to pay for this thing between us." Iris rambled on. It felt really good to get that off her chest. Even if it was silly and didn't matter to anyone, she still got the chance to say it out loud.
Barry took in everything Iris said. Some of what she said hit him like a ton of bricks. She knew him so well. The other stuff she said felt like a punch in the gut. Like another Meta human attacked him and broke every bone in his body and also knocked the wind out of him. He felt like he was just waiting for his body to heal. Then she did that thing where she gave him hope and he had to tuck it away. "Iris…I don't even know where to begin. All of this is my fault and it hurts the hell out of me every time I look at you. Because I caused you pain and because of what you said. That really hurts for you to think that we're not even best friends anymore. Just like that time you said it at S.T.A.R. labs. If anything, and if we never have anything more than that, you still will always be my best friend and I'll be yours. It felt awful for me to think of just how long it would take you to get over Eddie since you gave me hope the last time we talked about it up here. I felt horrible for thinking that. Horrible. But not as bad as I feel now because you should know that I never stopped loving you. That's impossible. I just thought you didn't want me to love you. So I stepped back and let you grieve for Eddie."
"You want to know the bad thing about that? The thing about that is I never would have had to mourn Eddie had you told me how you felt. It's like you two switched places and it's horrible. I watched you die, Barry. I watched Eddie die too. Only you came back to life. That time you were in the coma was like you were dead. I was grieving you too, but I still found my way to Eddie. I wonder if that's a coincidence. Now, the tables have been turned and Eddie's dead and I'm grieving him but still finding my way to you."
"What are you saying Iris?"
"I'm saying that I think it would be in bad taste for us to just up and get together. I know there's no time stamp on how long someone has to grieve over a loved one. But Eddie is gone and I've made my peace with that. Though I know that you and I would have ended up together anyway. Even if I've made my peace with it, I still feel like I'm betraying Eddie for thinking this."
"I thought so too. Well, I hoped. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you like I should have been. What you were going through was more important than my guilt." Barry says.
"I know you are. You did help me though. It felt wooden though. Like you were holding back. I didn't like the way that felt."
"I didn't either. I thought you hated me."
"I could never hate you. Be mad as hell at you, yes. But hate you? Impossible." Iris says.
"So where do we go from here? I do feel like we need to work on our best friendship."
"Yeah, we do." Iris reached up to give him a hug. It felt wonderful to just hug him freely. She and Barry were huggers and she needed that one at the moment. "We can work on the West-Allen stuff later." Iris says and she tightened the hold of her arms around Barry.
Barry slowly broke their hug and looked into Iris' face. "We still don't know that that's going to happen." He didn't want her to feel like she was under obligation.
Iris place her hand to the side of his face. She then just smiled and grabbed his hand. "It will."