Business Trip

"Are you sure I can't come with you, puddin'?" asked Harley Quinn as she packed the Joker's suitcase for him. He was sitting on the sofa watching TV and eating bowl of ice cream, and he didn't respond to her question, except to throw a letter at her.

"You can read – what's it say?" he retorted.

"Rupert Thorne extends an all-expenses paid invitation to the Joker and Two-Face to visit him at his resort in Las Vegas to discuss business arrangements of a lucrative and confidential nature," read Harley. Her brow furrowed in confusion. "Huh. Wonder why you two."

"Obvious, isn't it?" retorted Joker. "He wants to discuss bumping off the Bat. Old Batsy's been hitting his businesses hard over the last few months, and I think he's finally had enough. He knows I'm the only guy who can match Batsy, and if I fail, he wants Two-Face for back up. He thinks we're the two most likely to succeed in that endeavor. I'd be flattered really, if Thorne wasn't such a creep. He's gonna be real disappointed when he's paid for us both to come out and enjoy ourselves at his expense, and then tell him no dice. As if I would ever kill Batsy for something as stupid as money! He'll only die when I've thought up the perfect joke for his demise, not because some fat rich guy wants to pay me to be pest control."

"So why are you going if you're just gonna refuse him?" asked Harley, puzzled. "Why don't you just call him and say no and save going all that way?"

He stared at her. "You nuts? It's a free trip to Vegas! I really would be crazy to pass that up, baby! That's a great town – guy can have all kinds of fun there without some self-righteous Bat-tool interfering. Besides, I wanna see the look on Thorne's face when I refuse him point blank. I'm laughing already just thinking about it!" he chuckled. "Aw, what a gag!"

He gradually stopped laughing and continued, "But see, the invite's only for me and Two-Face. Didn't say anything about Harley Quinn. You can't just invite yourself along – that would be really bad manners. I may be crazy, but I'm not rude!"

"But maybe it was implied that I was invited," said Harley. "Maybe by inviting you, he assumed I'd come too, because we're a couple, y'know…"

"So that means we're joined at the hip, does it?" demanded Joker, angrily. "Can't have one without the other, is that your idea of being a couple? Well, Batman and Robin are a couple, but they don't go everywhere together! And when you want both of them, you invite Batman and Robin, you don't just invite Batman and assume he'll drag the kid along with him! Jesus, Harley, what sort of relationship do you think this is? Siamese twins?"

"I just thought…being your partner…" began Harley.

"Being my what?" he repeated, standing up and whirling around to face her furiously.

"I mean…being your…um…girlfriend...lover…sidekick…whatever's not gonna get me punched in the face…" stammered Harley, backing away from him as he slowly approached her.

He nodded. "Sidekick is good. Henchwench is better. But the invitation didn't mention either of those things. It very specifically said the Joker and Two-Face. You are neither the Joker, nor Two-Face, so you can't come along. Now just finish packing my suitcase and shut up. I'm trying to watch the Marx Brothers."

He sat back down and returned to his ice cream. Harley returned to packing, delicately folding his suit into the case. "You know how long you're gonna be gone?" she asked gently. "Just so I can pack enough clean underwear for ya…"

"Dunno. Could be a few days, could be a few weeks. Just pack whatever you think – I'm sure there'll be a maid service to do the laundry."

"A few…weeks?" stammered Harley, turning to look at him in horror. "But…but I'll miss you, puddin'! I dunno if I can last a few weeks without you…"

"Aw, sure you can, you dumb broad, don't be ridiculous," he snapped. "You gotta do it all the time when we get dragged off to Arkham separately by the Bat…"

"Well, yeah, but I got friends in Arkham," said Harley. "I got Red and…"

"So invite Pammie round. Have a nice girly get-together. Have a sleepover, do your nails, talk about cute boys. But if you're gonna have a pillow fight, be sure to film it so Daddy can watch it later," he chuckled.

"It ain't the same, Mr. J," sighed Harley. "I like Red and all, her friendship's real important to me, and I value it a lot, but even when I'm with her, I'm always missing you. Nothing feels right when you're not here. It's like my world don't make sense. You're the only person on earth who can make me truly happy, and when you ain't here…well, I ain't smiling, Mr. J."

There were tears in her eyes and she wiped them away as she continued to pack. He looked at her and then stood up, coming over to her and hugging her gently. "You're a sweet kid, Harl," he murmured.

"Yeah?" she said, beaming up at him.

"Yeah," he murmured, grinning. "A sweet, stupid, silly little baby. Now just grow up and act like an adult, will ya?" he snapped, shoving her away from him. "I'm sure you'll be able to cope fine without me for a little while. You were a doctor, for Christ's sake! If you can work your way through medical school, you can deal with living on your own for a few weeks!"

"I can do it, I'm just trying to let you know that it's gonna hurt, puddin'!" she cried.

"So? You love pain! Just deal with it!" he snapped. "And what kind of selfish little brat are you, trying to make me feel guilty for going away on business?!"

"It ain't business!" she retorted. "You already said you ain't gonna accept the offer! And I don't trust you and Harvey together in Vegas! There are all kinds of loose women running around! What if they get the wrong idea because I'm not there? What if they think you're single? What if they try to proposition you?"

She burst into tears. "Aw, please, Mr. J, you gotta let me come! You just gotta!" she cried, tugging his arm. "I'll be really good and quiet and stay outta the way, but you just gotta! Please, please, please, pretty please with sugar on top?"

"Harley, I don't need you around to save me from loose women!" snapped Joker. "I'm perfectly capable of handling them on my own!"

"Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of, you big jerk!" snapped Harley.

He chuckled. "Nice gag, toots," he murmured. "Now Harley, stop acting like a silly little baby, hmm?" he said, tilting her chin up to him. "Daddy will only be gone a little while, you can call him whenever you want, and maybe if you're very good while he's away, he'll bring you back a little present from Vegas. How does that sound?"

"I don't want anything but you, Mr. J," she whispered. "That's the only thing I want in the world."

"Really? Nothing else?" he asked.

She thought. "Well…maybe a big sparkly diamond necklace, if you can find one. Or any kinda shiny jewelry, really. Oooh, or maybe one of those cute little sequin dresses with the sparkly hats and a feather boa…"

"Yeah, yeah, write a list or something, will ya, Harl?" he interrupted, returning to the TV. "But finish packing first. And don't forget my toothbrush."

Harley's display of over-emotion only increased once they reached the airport. Everyone in the terminal stopped what they were doing and stared at her as she clutched the Joker's knees, sobbing hysterically. Joker looked around and waved at them all with a forced smile. "Harley, just get up!" he said through gritted teeth. "You're embarrassing everyone!"

"But I'm gonna miss you so much, puddin'!" she sobbed.

"J, Thorne's jet's here, we gotta go," said Two-Face, hurrying through the gate.

"I'll be right there, Harv!" said Joker, cheerfully. "Now, Harley, c'mon, be a brave girl," he said, hauling her to her feet. "You have my number, so just call me when you miss me, and I'll try to turn that frown upside down!"

"You mean it, Mr. J?" she asked. "I can call you whenever I start to miss you?"

He paused. "Well, within reason," he replied.

"What's that mean? Once every hour? Half hour?" pressed Harley.

"More like once every couple of days," he said.

"Couple days?" she repeated, horrified.

"Look, baby, I don't have time for this," he snapped. "I got a plane to catch. Just try to be strong, for my sake, ok? I have faith in you, pumpkin. You can do this."

She nodded firmly, wiping her eyes. "Yeah. Yeah, you're right, Mr. J. I can do this. For you."

"That's my girl," he said, kissing her. "See you soon, cupcake."

"Mr. J!" she called desperately as he headed for the gate.

"What?" he asked, turning back.

"I packed you seven days worth of clean underwear. I hope that'll be enough. If you're planning on staying any longer than a week, be sure to get the maid to do your laundry. Or I can buy you some new boxers and send them…"

"I'm sure I can figure it out, Harley!" he snapped. "Goodbye!"

"Mr. J!" she shrieked again.

"What?" he demanded, furiously.

"I…I love you," she whispered.

"I know that!" he snapped. "Jesus Christ, Harley, you've said it a million times! I get the picture!"

"Well, I wanna make sure that if the plane crashes or something, my last words to you are meaningful, rather than a discussion about your underwear!" snapped Harley.

"The plane ain't gonna crash!"

"I don't know that, do I?" she demanded. "Accidents happen!"

"J, we gotta go!" shouted Two-Face.

"I'm trying, believe me, Harvey!" he yelled. "If the plane does crash, Harley, I'll be incredibly grateful, because at least it'll get me away from the clinging, nagging, annoying, worthless waste of space you are!" he shouted. "Now I'll see you when I get back! Goodbye!"

"Yeah, good riddance, you big jerk!" shrieked Harley.

She turned and stormed off, and then suddenly raced back to the gate just as Joker re-emerged from it, and sprayed a cloud of Joker toxin into the air. As people screamed and panicked, Harley smiled and leapt into his arms, kissing him ardently.

"Knew you couldn't go without a gag, Mr. J," she breathed.

"Yep. And you know my motto, kid. Leave 'em laughing!" he chuckled, as the dying laughter of the people infected with the gas echoed him.

Harley beamed and kissed him again. "See you later, you useless brat," he murmured.

She grinned. "I love you too, Mr. J."

She watched him disappear through the gate and blew him a kiss, gazing at him tenderly until he was out of sight. Then she turned away with a mournful sigh. "I miss him already," she murmured.