5th year

AAAAH! The light! It burns! It burns!

"James shut up! We're all hung over as well."

Ok…so I wasn't aware that I as screaming out loud. But as Padfoot said, we're all hung over.

Ow! Stupid bed…why does it have to be so high? Now where are my glasses?

"Under the bed," Remus yawns.

Too right he is.

Well they're certainly useless! I still can't see properly. How come everything's so much smaller?

"You're wearing them back to front James."

"Right…thanks."

Stupid Moony, and his stupid maturity and ability to know how to wear my glasses…

Oh crap! I feel like I've been hit by twenty bludgers and three of Evans's head-reductions spells.

I think I'll just lie here on the floor till my head stops spinning.

"James get a move on. You're already late."

Shut up Moony!

"No!" I retort instead.

HAH! See if you can contradict that!

"Really?"

Why is he chuckling? Stupid werewolf!

"You'll miss potions…"

Oh…what a darned shame…

"…with Lily…"

…

Crap! I hate it when he does that! He knows there's no way in hell I'll miss a lesson with Evans.

I'll just have to crawl to the stupid bathroom…stupid hangover.

"The bathroom's the other way James."

"I hate you Moony."

At Breakfast.

Hangover Potion…I need the hangover potion…I need…

"Here Prongs."

Oh that feels good. Thank god for Moony.

"I love you Moony," I say as the entire flask is downed into my system.

Oh there he goes with the raised eyebrow.

"Just this morning you hated me."

Yeah well…

"Times have changed."

"Hi James!"

Oh crap…not Lucie…not now! Save me god! Save me!

"James?"

God her voice is so...icky…like sugar on strawberry icing.

Yeuck!

"Are you feeling ok sweetie?"

Do I look like a five year old to you Lucie? No! Then why are you talking to me as if I am?

"No…" I mumble.

Maybe she'll bugger off now.

"Aaaaw…baby! Do you want me to get you anything?"

How about a court order from the bloody USA where you can't come within 4 gazillion kilometers of me?

"No" I reply sulkily instead. She'd be too stupid to know what the USA is.

Stop laughing Padfoot. This isn't funny. I have to end this now.

"End what baby?"

Why can't my mouth stay away from my brain?

"You and me," I state.

Now that was about as blunt as Elena Helliweger's nose.

And there she goes with her blonde Lucie gasp. How much air can one woman inhale anyway?

"You…you want to break up with me?"

Yes…yes I do- you colossal unprecedented undeniably disgusting hard and uncomfortable boob job of a girl! Yes I do!

"Yes."

Ok so I have to have some tact.

Now for the news to sink in.

5…

4…

3…

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Well…now that was a bit premature.

Oh well. Padfoot is wiping away his tears of mirth. I really don't find it that amusing. She toppled over my second hangover potion. Stupid woman!

"Could you be more insensitive?"

Yes Moony I could.

"Oh come on Moony!" I whine.

Whining always works with him.

"I'm bloody hung over and I was going to end it with Jellybean Lucie anyway."

And there he goes rolling his eyes at me like his so much more in touch with women than me?

Like all that stuff about feelings and crap is really true.

I wouldn't have my own fan club if it was all about love and romance and rubbish.

"Those fan club girls," Moony interjects, "have brains which are inversely proportional to their bust James."

"Stop reading my thoughts Moony!"

"Stop saying them out loud Prongs!"

Aaah shut up!

Funny…I just realized that my Lily flower hasn't graced our Gryffindor table this morning. Surely she wouldn't miss a minute being dazzled by me? Who would?

I know she's just playing hard to get. Evans is stubborn like that.

How could someone as pretty as her resist someone as dashing as me? It's in our animal instinct to be together.

And in the stars.

And in the money that Padfoot will pay me when we get together.

Which we will! We have to! There is no way anyone can resist me! I have a whole female population at my feet to prove it.

Speaking of the devil. She's walking right in.

Sigh…

She's not beautiful in a cliché way. Like those blonde ones with a perfect shape, blue eyes and white teeth.

Not that she doesn't have white teeth.

And she's not like those sassy sexy dark brunettes in James Bond movies who like to be dominant and take control till your begging them.

But she's a keeper.

For a weird combination, her red hair and green eyes work fantastically for her and to top it up is her skin.

Her skin is so creamy and soft-looking that I feel like I could just lap it up and…

"PRONGS!"

Why does the whole table groaning?

"We do not want to hear about how you want to lick up Evans's skin ok?"

Damn. I hadn't meant Padfoot to hear.

"Yeah well I did. And so did the whole bloody table!"

What is wrong with me?

Back to Evans.

Look at that shape! A girl like her just HAS to be with me. She's not too big or small anywhere.

Our destiny is inevitable.

I'm going to go talk to her.

"You do that Prongs."

"I had meant to say that out loud."

"Mhm…"

What should I say to her this morning?

Nice arse?

No…got a hex for that last week.

I like your hair?

No…used that yesterday.

Your eyes are the essence of all…

Wait…why is Lucie running to her?

"LILY!"

God her scream is more painful than her boobs.

"LILY…OH LILY…" she screams like a banshee beckoning her clan, "LILY! LILY! LILY!"

My red headed fox turns to her, eyebrow raised and eyes wide in surprise – as if looking at an approaching psychotic escapee.

How more accurate could I be?

"Do I know you?" she asks slightly cautiously.

Well now that stopped that maniac right in her tracks. Her blue eyes have suddenly stopped letting the Niagara Falls free and are as wide as Peter is thick. Her lower lip has stopped doing that ridiculous childish tremble and her mouth is open and silent.

What I haven't managed to achieve in all my…two and a half weeks of dating Lucie…Lily has managed in two seconds.

She shut Lucie up and kept her mouth open as well.

It's a miracle!

"Of course you know me," Lucie whispers, as if slightly worried about being heard.

Newsflash Bimbo!!! You just went yelling around the whole bloody hall! So now what do you do? You whisper…in hopes no one hears.

"I'm Lucie," she takes a step forward.

Beware Lily my sweet, beware.

"Lucie Johansson."

Lily's face has not changed one bit.

She has a cute nose.

"I don't think so," a male voice interjects into my thoughts.

"Sirius what are you doing here? And yes she does have a cute nose."

He rolls his eyes at me, "no she doesn't."

"You have no taste."

"I'm not the one who went out with Lucie rock-boob."

"Shut up and watch."

Lily shakes her head at Lucie and then turns away to walk to our table. I think I'll follow her.

"But it's about James! You have to help me!"

Oh dear!

One thing I try to overlook is that Lily has this…knack of desperately trying to kill me. She kind of has it out for me and kind of thinks it's her duty in life to protect the whole of the world…from me.

I don't know why.

"Potter? What did he do?"

Why am I always the criminal? I could be in a dying from a heart attack right now, with Lucie trying to save me, for all you know.

Actually that would be a really life threatening situation come to think of it...the brainless woman would probably think I was choking and would smack my back three hundred times.

"He…he…he…"

She's incapable of forming sentences too? The things I never knew.

"He broke up with me."

The whole hall is silent.

Not shocked silent. But dumbfounded.

As though a million eggs had just fallen from the ceiling.

NO ONE ACTUALLY CARES!

I do it all the time…to all the girls.

Except Lily.

"That's cuz she's not going out with you in the first place."

"And I wouldn't dump her even if she was."

Lily seems at a loss for words, her pretty mouth open in confused shock.

I really don't blame her.

"He broke up with you," she repeated slowly and Lucie nodded quickly like a dumb puppy.

"That wasn't fair on the puppy, Prongs," Sirius interjects like he always does.

Lily's talking again.

"What…what's that got to do with me?"

Wow! She's harsher than me.

"You hate him don't you?"

Thanks Lucie. For your information she doesn't. She just pretends.

"Yeah so?"

Like I said...she PRETENDS!

"So…so…do something!"

"Why? Why me? I don't want to be involved with your love life. And definitely not with Potter's.

Memo to Lily Evans…You are my love life.

"But you hate him…" Lucie continues to whimper, "So do something!"

Lily rolls her pretty green eyes, " do what?"

"I don't know…hurt him like you normally do."

Now with that I cannot disagree. I still have nightmares about that chicken hex she put on me. I'll never be able to go to a toilet fearless again.

"You want to know what I think?" Lily asks.

Even if we didn't you'd tell us.

"I think you're to blame, Lucie."

I knew there was a god up there somewhere! She's on my side.

"It's all your fault because you're stupid enough to go out with that brain-dead, womanizing, immature pathetic excuse for a fifteen year old human being. You live with it."

Again it feels like someone's just dropped a bucket of eggs on us.

"No…that's just you Prongs."

Shut up Sirius! And stop laughing.

How does she do that? How does she manage to make both Lucie and me look stupid in one sentence?

That was supposed to be impossible.

Oh there she goes! I've got to catch up with her.

"Oi Evans! Wait up!"

"Fall off your broom Potter."

Common Conversations in the 5th year

"Go out with me Evans."

"No."

"Why?"

"Do I really need a reason not to go out with you?"

"Come over here for a cuddle, Evans."

"I'd rather sleep with Snape."

"Seriously?"

"Will you leave me alone forever and ever and ever and ever and ever if I say yes?"

"I'd be starting to consider it…yeah…"

"Then absolutely yes with all the promises in the world."

"Ew…"

"Evans can I borrow…"

"No."

"But I was only…"

"Whatever it is I don't want to hear. If you need something ask, someone else."

"But…I don't think Remus wants to lend me his lips."

"Lily my sweet wonderful ever so radiant…"

"Grrr…."

"Ok I'll flatter you later. Will you go out with me?"

"Potter I need…"

"Yes! I will! I will comply with all your needs for I know they only consist of you desire for myself! Do not fret my dearest Evans."

"…"

"Lily?"

"You really will?"

"Of course my sweet!"

"Ok raise your hand…now!"

"Um…right…"

"Well Mr. Potter!" Slughorn cries in delight, "I'm sure Lucius would be absolutely delighted to have you as a potions partner. Lily Evans won't mind I'm sure. She manages better on her own."

"What…how…Evans?"

"Bye Potter."

"Evans if you go out with me I'll do whatever you want."

"What?"

"Seriously. I will."

"Hmmm….ok…I want you to mount your broom and fly it to a tree deep in the Forbidden Forest and leave it there. Then I want you to come back and wear women's undergarments and go and shag all the Slytherin fifth year boys, Snape three times over mind you. Then I want you to come back and apply makeup like Mildred Midders does and go to Professor McGonagall and beseech of her for a permanent sex change spell.

Then I want you to run and throw yourself repeatedly of thy highest cliff in the whole of UK until you're quite sure you're dead."

"…"

"Potter?"

"Evans, how could you ask such a thing? You know I could never do that to my baby. I won't even fly her out over the Forest, let alone leave her there. How could you even consider it?"

"…"

Hey...I'm not to sure about this one so if you just let me know what you think and then we can take it from there.