Cold, Hard truth
A/N: Hola everyone. :) It has been a while since I have visited my fanfiction page. Anyhoo, this is the first time I'm writing a Klaine fanfiction so please be kind to me.
Fair warning: NO HAPPY ENDING HERE. And nope, the genius that we all call 'Glee' does not and will never belong to me. :|
Sorry that I love you, sorry that I care
Sorry that we've taken for granted the love that we share.
"When we got together… I never wanted to be with you in the first place. I wanted to be with someone else." Blaine Anderson never knew that such harsh words can leave Kurt Hummel's mouth. Sweet, sarcastic, endearing Kurt. It entered his ears and sank deep in his already bleeding heart.
2 years of being together. And this is how everything ends.
Trembling with unexplainable emotion, Blaine lifted his hand and placed it on Kurt's porcelain colored arm. He already knew how this is going to end. And yet, he still has to try. Another of those 'one last tries' he has to gotten used to begging. "Please." He whispered.
Kurt lifted his eyes from the ground and met Blaine's watery ones for the first time since their conversation started. There's no easy way to say goodbye. It's not easy to admit the truth either. But Kurt knows when he's had enough. He opened his mouth to say the words that he knows will break the boy in front of him to pieces even more. I'm sorry Blaine. But you deserve much more than this. Than me.
"Pity isn't enough reason for me to stay anymore. I want to be free from you, Blaine."
Sorry for the heartache, sorry for the pain
Sorry for what you gave, if I didn't give back the same.
"Can I ask you a question?" A soft murmur left the blue eyed boy's mouth.
Blaine looked up from his French class notebook, the one he's been browsing for the past 5 minutes. He offered a kind smile to his bestfriend. "Technically, you just did. But continue, nonetheless."
"You've.. been inlove before. Right?"
17 year old Blaine Anderson stopped halfway through closing his locker door to stare at his bestfriend who's busying himself with the sleeves of his Dalton blazer, avoiding his inquisitive gaze. That was one question Blaine wasn't expecting to hear from the timid boy infront of him. He proceeded to close his locker door and leaned against it.
"Well, yeah. I'd like to think that I have." And it's true. He's gone out with a couple of boys before, though none of his relationships was as serious as his last one. When his last boyfriend, Andrei Stone left him, he swore that would be his last relationship for a while. Coming so close to planning his entire life with a guy who he has only been with for 9 months, left him completely damaged when their relationship suddenly ended. The months that followed after that has been hell. Although time did its part and healed him bit by bit, Blaine still feels a slight pang whenever the said boy's name crosses his mind.
The taller teen straightened up and got his bag. The two proceeded to exit the Dalton's main building and started their trek to the school dorm. None of them spoke as Blaine let his co-Warbler muddle through his thoughts. The question earlier startled him, truth be told. Being best buddies since he rescued Kurt from his bullies at Mckinley and later on being schoolmates and co-Warblers has been more than a blessing to the both of them. But even after being friends for 5 months, for some reason the topic of boys and lovelife has always been left untouched even if it has never been a secret to the whole world that both of them are gay. Kurt never asked him about it and out of respect, he has done the same.
"Blaine?" He glanced at his still deep in thought friend from the corner of his eye. To see Kurt so bothered about something that they have never discussed before intrigued him. He waited for the boy to continue.
"Have..have you thought about..you know.. falling in love with a friend?" Blaine nearly tripped on a non-existent rock when he heard Kurt's question. The diva flushed upon seeing Blaine's reaction and started walking briskly. "Nevermind! I never said anything-"
"I-I have!"
Kurt stopped dead in his tracks and whipped around so fast it would make Tazmanian Devil proud. "Really?" He asked his curly haired bestfriend, eyes popping out of their sockets.
Blaine scratched the back of his neck, fiddling with the loose strand of his hair and averted his gaze, a habit he always does when he's nervous. "Yeah..I had..I mean, yeah. I did have those..feelings.. with one of my friends before. He's mine and my brother's friend, actually." He finished lamely. Wrong move.
Kurt squeaked and jumped excitedly to Blaine's side, momentarily forgetting that he's a highschool student and not a 5 year old boy, grabbed his still blushing bestfriend's arm. "No way! NO WAY! You did? Why? I mean, how? How was it?" Blaine resisted the urge to clamp a hand on the still oddly ecstatic boy. This is a side of Kurt he has never seen before. Kurt has always been so poised and snarky that seeing the child-like excited look on his eyes almost seemed so foreign. He exhaled quietly before motioning Kurt to follow him as he sat down on one of the school benches. Thankfully, the school was almost empty, with all the students either in the safety of the school dorms or has already headed home for the weekend. He let Kurt sit down, and seeing that his bestfriend's about to barrage him with more questions, decided that he needs to start talking.
"Okay. So I will tell you everything that you need to know. I will do the talking, and you will do the listening. Nothing else. Deal?" Kurt nodded and mouthed "deal". "You know that I used to go to public school before.. before everything went downhill and I transferred to Dalton." Kurt nodded again, setting a hand on top of Blaine's. The tough history of Blaine's transfer is something that both of them approach with sensitivity. Blaine is still carrying the weight of his escape no matter how many times Kurt or Wes or David tell him that it was the wise thing to do. "His name was Nate and he was Cooper's best bud at that time. He used to come to our house all the time to hangout or do something with Coop. I was introduced to him the second time he went to our house and after finding out that we have a mutual adoration for the Draco Malfoy-Harry Potter pairing, which is odd considering the fact that he's straighter than a 10 foot pole, we became close. It didn't hurt that he's painfully good looking, with these really beautiful green eyes and long, thick lashes. Tall, blond and dreamy." Kurt resisted the urge to smirk when he saw the sappy, far away look on his bestfriend's face. The rare times that the dorky Blaine surfaced are his favorite moments. He coughed lightly, a teasing smirk on his face. Blaine cleared his throat, his ears turning red at being caught mooning over a guy, and continued on with his story.
"As I was saying, we bonded over common interests. He found out that I can play the piano and can sing and he would always request a song and ask me to sing for him. I became his walking radio." Blaine chuckled as he remembered the one time he heared the blond boy sing. Poor thing couldn't sing to save his life. He shook his head. "He taught me how to play the violin, the only instrument that he could play. He was my bestfriend back then. Pretty much like how we are right now." Blaine grinned at the porcelain skinned boy across him who was smiling back. Kurt would never admit it out loud but he loved how Blaine would always say how much he values their special friendship. He knows that Blaine rarely opens himself to others and being one of the few who actually sees the real Blaine Anderson is something that Kurt feels privileged about.
"It took me months of constant, vehement denial before I finally acknowledged the fact that I am in love with Nate. Like head-over-heels, insanely in love with him. With the boy who calls me squirt all the time and hugs me before heading home after a day of hanging out, taught me how to gel my hair to tame my Medussa-like curls, plays Lego Harry Potter on PS3 with me and chooses the Ron character all the time, knowing how much I want to play using the Harry character, and could possibly be the most tone-deaf person I have ever met my whole life." Blaine looked down at his folded hands on his lap before continuing on quietly. "He was also the one who first accepted me for who I really am, aside from my family."
Kurt nodded silently, letting his bestfriend remember this one special person in his past, the one who he knew somehow made Blaine's life bearable during those hellish times. The same way Blaine's presence got him through those awful weeks of being bullied by Karofsky. Kurt turned his attention back to Blaine.
"His family moved to Canada a year before I transferred to Dalton. He came to my house, the day before their flight to see me. He said that he wanted to spend one last day with the kid whom he has grown to love so much." Blaine closed his eyes, letting the memories resurface on his mind, like remains of a shipwreck. "He said one word to me while he was hugging me as he was saying goodbye. It's a word that I somehow knew I would always carry with me." Kurt hesitated before gently asking. "What is it?" Blaine smiled, his eyes still close. "Courage." He said simply.
A thin fog of silence covered the both of them. They both knew how much of an impact that one word has caused to both their lives. How much that one word changed both of them. Blaine slowly opened his eyes. "We still keep in touch through emails and Facebook and the last I have heard of him, he enrolled in a university and is taking up Medicine. Also, he now has a girlfriend." Blaine looked up to find Kurt gazing carefully at him. As if reading Kurt's silent question, he said, "He never knew this, but he was my first love." Kurt nodded his head slowly and offered Blaine a soft, sympathetic smile. They were both silent for a while before Kurt opened his mouth to ask hesitantly.
"He was your first love. Did you..fall inlove again?" Blaine looked down before nodding. "Yeah. I was very much inlove with a guy named Andrei. He's someone I met during the summer of my freshman year. He was a senior here at Dalton. We were together for 9 months." Kurt nodded his head. He had always felt that something's a miss whenever he and Blaine passed by the Senior's common room. Blaine would always falter in his step before walking briskly past the room. The said boy would also refuse to talk for a while whenever that happened and Kurt has made it his mission to avoid passing by the said room whenever he's with Blaine. "Care to share?" Blaine looked up the darkening afternoon sky, clucking his tongue before continuing. "He left me. I was a completely different person to him. He's very nice and very patient but even he decided that the real me is too hard to take. I guess the pressure of being alone after he graduated got to me, no matter how many times he tried to reassure me that he'll make what we had work, despite the long distance." Blaine shook his head, remembering all the shouting that has transpired between him and his ex-boyfriend. Dapper Blaine has disappeared and Psycho Blaine took over. Definitely not his finest moment.
Kurt decided not to ask for more details, knowing Blaine doesn't like to be pushed. He, however, wasn't able to resist asking one more question. "D-Do you still love him?" The countertenor asked quietly. A moment of silence passed by and Kurt was about to apologize for overstepping when he heard Blaine's murmured answer. "I think I always will."
Nothing was said between the two for a while. The streetlamps around them flickered on, basking them in its warm glow. Kurt broke the silence first. "So what's your plan now?" The said boy shrugged, slumping a bit in his seat. "I honestly don't know. I was pretty broken when things ended. But I also swore to myself that I will take it one day at a time. I know that one day, I'll meet that person. And he will make me feel..something. Like no matter how scared I am of falling in love again, he'll make me feel that he's worth the fall." Kurt slowly nodded his head in understanding.
Kurt stood up and grabbed his bag. Grinning at his best bud, he motioned his head towards the pathway leading to the school dorm. "It's getting late. We should go in." Blaine smiled back before gathering his stuff and proceeding to walk beside the taller boy. Halfway through their walk, he felt Kurt's hand slowly slip into his. He was surprised at the action but did not comment on it. Kurt squeezed his hand but didn't let go. When they reached the Blaine's dorm, Kurt leaned in and brushed his lips on Blaine's cheek, letting his mouth linger longer than necessary. The countertenor pulled away, smiling softly. "One day at a time, right?" Kurt let go of Blaine's hand (The soloist didn't even realize that the blue-eyed boy was still holding on to it.) before slowly backing away. "I'll see you tomorrow, boyfriend." Kurt winked at the still stunned boy before turning around and walking towards his own room. Blaine stared at his now-boyfriend's back, dazed in confusion, his left hand reaching to touch the area where Kurt's soft lips landed. He turned and slowly entered his room, closing the door behind him. He sat down on his bed, not bothering to open the lights. He took a deep breath before smiling slightly. One day at a time..
Sorry for the waiting, sorry to waste your time
Sorry if I'm not worth it, you don't have to be mine
Blaine quietly closed his room's door behind him before slowly collapsing on his bed. He'll never change. He thought bitterly. 3 months into their relationship and he and Kurt are already having problems. Entering a relationship with someone whose subtle flirty ways never changed is hard. He has heard somewhere that one of the most important points in any relationship is to accept your partner's flaws. But is this really something that I need to swallow every single day of our life together? Blaine had caught Kurt flirting with one of the Warbler's who has openly declared that he has a crush on him. The fact that Kurt smiled at Blaine innocently and continued his playful banter with Cameron didn't help at all. To say that he was hurt is an understatement. What happened next was a catastrophe.
"I'm falling in love with you, Kurt. Yes, it's too soon. But it's the truth."
He buried his head in his pillow, groaning. Heck yeah it's too soon. This is the game they both started and he raised the white flag so soon. Pathetic. Stupid. Naïve. He kept repeating in his head. It didn't help that his friends just seems to know everything without him saying anything. The sympathetic looks shared by Wes and David whenever Blaine sits beside them and watches Kurt eat on another table with someone else. The way Jeff placed a gentle hand on his shoulder when Blaine stiffened upon seeing Kurt run a hand through a blushing Thad's hair while offering some hair tips. Nick's offer to buy him coffee after Kurt turned down his offer to hangout at the school café because he's already made plans to have coffee with Adam that same afternoon. And the list goes on. Blaine knows that Kurt is one heck of a charming guy when he wants to be. Once anyone gets past his sarcasm and bitch-glares, Kurt can wrap anyone around his long, soft fingers. To make things worse, Kurt's completely oblivious to the fact that he's not hard to fall in love with. Blaine should know. That's exactly what's screwing his head right now.
His cellphone beeped inside his pocket, momentarily halting the rant going on in his head. He knew that it was Kurt who texted him.
K: I'm sorry.
Blaine closed his eyes and sighed. Just ignore it. Ignore him. Just for tonight, think of yourself.
Another message came in.
K: Forgive me?
Cursing himself for being so weak, he slowly texted back.
B: Are you back in your room?
He immediately got a reply.
K: I'm outside your door.
Blaine sat up in his bed, clutching his cellphone tightly in his left hand. He stood up and had his hand on the doorknob, getting ready to turn it when he suddenly hesitated. He knew he's not in the best of moods right now. That once he faces Kurt, he's opening all the doors he has kept shut ever since Andrei left him. He'd be reverting back to that very version of himself that he hated. He leaned his forehead on the door, his eyes sliding shut. He blindly composed a message, his fingers automatically going through his cellphone's QWERTY keyboard.
B: I'm don't think I can face you.
His cellphone beeped, indicating that Kurt has replied. He took a deep breath before opening his eyes.
K: I don't want to be anywhere else tonight. I just want to be with you.
Courage. He heard Nate's voice gently whisper in his mind.
All it took was 1 opened door and 2 steps and Kurt was in his arms again.
They were curled up in Blaine's bed that night when Kurt spoke the words Blaine has been longing to hear since he felt it 2 weeks into their shaky relationship.
"I'm scared. Because I think I'm falling in love with you too."
Sorry for mistaking something that I thought was true
Sorry if you don't understand why I do what I do.
"Why can't you understand that what you are doing is wrong?"
"Gio just wants to become my friend! We were friends even before things fell apart between us!"
"Kurt, he's your pseudo-ex, for godssake! He's the one person you almost got into a relationship with. He broke your heart years ago when he said that he loves you but doesn't want to be with you and now he's back and is openly pursuing you because he suddenly realizes that he wants you now that you're with someone else! You know that, I know that, he knows that! Why don't you just admit it!"
"I'm with you, Blaine. We are together now. Yes, he wants to be with me. But I don't like him like that anymore! I just want him to be my friend!"
"He's your first love, Kurt. The guy that you were going out with for years before he decided that he's going to drop you and pick you up whenever he wants just because he can. The very person you were seeing again before you transferred to Dalton and we got together. And the same Gio that you chose to spend last Friday night with! God, Kurt! You slept in his house, in his bed! You ignored my texts and calls, not caring that I was worried sick about you. And now you expect me to be okay with it?"
"We slept together on the same bed but nothing happened. You know that! Why can't you just trust me?"
"Because you can't see that what you are doing is not okay! You chose to be with him that night. How am I supposed to know that you won't be doing it again? That you won't choose him again?"
"Then trust me that I will choose you! Because if you don't trust me, then what's the point of us being together?"
"I gave us another shot after you apologized the first time because I'm hoping that you'll choose me this time. That's why. I love you, Kurt. You're the love of my life. Why does it seem like I'm not enough no matter what I do or how hard I try?"
"Fine. FINE. You always win. I'm choosing you. Happy now? Fantastic! It's good that you're happy. Because one thing you should know, I'm not anymore and yet I'm here for you."
Sorry if I don't measure up to what you want me to be
Sorry if I can't be enough to make you just want me
Blaine raised a shaky hand before knocking on the Hummel household one Saturday night. He shouldn't be there at this hour but he needed to see him.
Finn, Kurt's step brother opened the door. "Blaine!" He exclaimed in surprise. "Finn. I- I know it's late. I'm sorry." Blaine whispered, his head down. Finn shook his head. "No, no it's fine. Come on in. Kurt! Blaine's here!"
Kurt appeared by the stairway, a frown on his face. "Hey. I wasn't expecting you." Blaine raised his head before softly saying "I needed to talk to you."
Finn, sensing the tension between the 2, headed back to the tv room, whispering to Burt what's happening in the hallway. Burt Hummel raised an eyebrow but decided not to say anything. He has a nagging feeling that whatever's going on is something that he's going to leave to Kurt and Blaine. He faced the tv, hoping that his gut feel about what's about to transpire is wrong.
Back in the hallway, Kurt stared at the silent boy infront of him, dressed in simple jeans and a hoodie. He shrugged before going up to his room, Blaine following him slowly. The countertenor sat on his bed. "What's up? Blaine walked to Kurt's bed before slumping to the floor. The tears he has been fighting were slowly starting to come out. "Are you cheating on me with Chandler?" he asked quietly. Chandler was a boy Kurt met on the music store in Lima. Kurt wasn't the same eversince that meeting.
Kurt stared at Blaine dispassionately, watching the tears that were not streaming down his boyfriend's face. "Nope. I'm not." Kurt got up and got his Ipad from his desk. He sat back on his bed and proceeded to play Rockband on his pad, waiting for Blaine to continue. Blaine, though pained from Kurt's dismissive behavior, continued. "I know you saw each other yesterday. I read your text messages to each other. I also saw the picture the two of you took when you went out." Kurt paused for a moment before resuming with his game. "Okay. So you know. Yeah. We saw each other. We didn't kiss or have sex or anything. We just went out. That's it." "That counts as cheating specially since you lied to me about it. You said you're just at home. You said you're not communicating with him anymore." Kurt closed his Ipad and met Blaine's eyes for the first time since they reached his room. "You can call it whatever you want. Nothing happened. Now if this is all were going to talk about, I'd really rather talk about this tomorrow. Any more questions?" Blaine wiped his eyes. "Why?" Kurt chuckled a bitter, empty laugh. "Blaine, I told you a long time ago. I don't love you anymore. I'm just staying with you until you can find someone who can take care of you. I'm really tired of all this, Blaine. I'm tired of being tied to you, to this relationship. I tried to be happy, I really did. But now I just want out. Chandler just happened to come along."
Blaine took Kurt's hand in his, pressing his forehead onto it. He hates this. The feeling of dread. Of being cheated on and lied to. Of the impending abandonment. The feeling that he's the only one who's fighting for them. The relationship that he never thought he'd ever want more than what he had with Andrei. They're nearing the end. But he just can't let go.
"Please don't leave me."
Sorry for apologizing but I don't know what to do
Sorry if my dreams consist of me and you.
And now, here they are. Exactly 2 years and 17 days in their relationship. They have reached the end.
They walked side by side, pretty much like how they started that fateful night. Only this time, it was Blaine who reached for Kurt's hand. And this time, the blue eyed boy's face is somber and tired, not at all like the bright and sassy Kurt Hummel he knew and inevitably fell in love with. As they neared Blaine's dorm, another wave of dread swept through Blaine. After everything they've been through, this is how things will end. And somehow, he just knew that they can never be friends again.
No matter how slowly they seemed to walk, they reached his room too soon. Blaine let go of Kurt's hand, raising his head to meet his partner's eyes. They were empty, not a single trace of sadness visible in those beautiful blue orbs he loved so much. He pulled Kurt close and pleaded one last time.
"Let's try again."
When he didn't feel Kurt's arms wrap around his frame, he knew it was over.
Mustering all the strength left in him. Blaine pressed his lips one last time to Kurt's, not feeling a single response from the boy he loved with all his soul. He turned around and entered his dorm room. He considered shutting the door behind him but found himself unable to do so. He turned around to face the love of his life one more time. He saw Kurt still standing there, watching him. He wanted to dart forward and beg that they don't go through with this. But he knew that the Kurt who he thought loved him was no longer that Kurt who's standing right outside his door.
Kurt watched as his now ex-boyfriend slowly close his door room, his sad, hazel eyes never leaving his until the door clicked shut. Finality. The ending of a scene. He closed his eyes as he breathed in the warm evening air. It's the right thing to do. He looked over at Blaine's door one last time before turning and towards the direction of his dorm room. He took one step forward. Then another one. And another one.
Good bye, Blaine.
3 months has passed since they have last spoken to each other. Three months has passed since Blaine found out that Kurt is now officially going out with Chandler. Three months has passed since Blaine felt lost again. They have seen each other several times, having passed each other in the school hallway. It helped that the Warblers no longer needs to meet up, having lost to the Vocal Adrenaline as early as Sectionals and that now as Seniors, they have to start preparing for graduation. He heard in passing from Jeff that Kurt got into NYADA, the school of his dreams. He himself didn't do so badly, having just received his acceptance letter to Yale a couple of days back. In those few times he has seen him, Kurt looked vibrant as ever while he pretended that he's okay. Wes and his other friends never left his side, and for that he's grateful. His friends and the approaching graduation were the only things that were making him get up from his bed every morning and face each day. It's really hard to have to start over on your own. What's even harder is that he has to face the fact that he's the only one who's thinking of what they had before. It hurts to be replaced, but it's even harder to be left behind.
Blaine slowly opened his eyes and stared at the wall clock by the door of his room. 8 hours of sleep for the first time in 3 months. He chuckled sardonically. 8 hours of sleep and no sign of him in my dreams. Thank you, God.
A beep was heard from the laptop he left on last night. A new mail notification. He groggily stood up and headed over to the computer. The moment he opened the mail, his breath hitched and he felt light headed. After reading the entire mail, he sat there in silence, lost in his thoughts. Finally, after what felt like a lifetime, he took a deep breath and shakily stood up, taking with him the framed picture of him and Kurt. He smiled sadly to himself. He has a lot of moving on to do.
"Sorry that I pretended to love you, sorry that I pretended to care,
Sorry that I've taken for granted the love that you thought we shared."
Sorry for the heartache, sorry for the pain,
Sorry for everything that you gave, but I never wanted to give back the same.
Sorry for the waiting, sorry for wasting your time,
Sorry if I never thought you're worth it, I wish I didn't make you mine.
Sorry for making you mistake something you thought was true,
Sorry if I didn't make you understand why I do what I do.
Sorry if you didn't measure up to what I wished you could be,
Sorry if you thought I was enough, and that I made you want no one else but me.
Sorry for apologizing, even though I didn't want to,
Sorry if my dreams never consisted of me and you."
K.H
Courage.
One day at a time.
Oh yes. I warned you, people. Read and review, please!