Pairings: Tim/Kon, Damian/Colin and mentions of Dick/Barbara, Jason/Roy/Kory, and Steph/Cass.

...

It all begins with a pack of cheap red hair dye. Steph waltzes into the manor, incredibly proud of her new, bright-red locks, and Damian grimaces (more for the fact that Steph was in the manor, than over the new look).

"What do you think, baby bat?" Steph questions teasingly, spinning around.

"You look horrid," Damian replies calmly, before sliding a spoonful of cereal into his mouth. He chews, and swallows. "And it makes you look fatter than you already are, fatgirl."

Steph beams.

"You look nice," Cassandra says calmly. Damian frowns, because she was his sister — and the only sibling he had who wasn't completely inadequate — so she was supposed to be on his side. His frown deepens when Steph's smile widens, and it threatens to split his face when she leans over and pecks his sister lightly on the cheek.

Damian shoves another spoonful of cereal into his mouth and chews forcefully. For some reason — and at the moment, he wasn't even sure he knows why — it bothers him.

…

Damian feels a similar sense of unease a week later when Dick and Barbara pop in for dinner. Dick is his usual, beaming, idiotic self, and Barbara…

…has red hair.

Damian cocks his head to the side; obviously he's known from the moment he met her (it'd be pretty hard not to notice) but…in this moment, it seems all the more striking.

Damian shrugs it off. Grayson has always had a certain fondness for red hair, after-all. And a fondness for Gordon. The fact that she is standing in front of him, romantically attached to his adoptive brother, and…incredibly red-headed…isn't a surprise.

…

The fact that Todd is sharing a bed with both Harper and that alien woman should have come as a surprise. Then again, it is Todd, and Todd has always been touched in the head.

Grayson seems far more disturbed by the number of people in the relationship than Damian is. He is standing still, his eyes bugging out of his head, his hands flapping wildly, yelling, "Roy and Kory?! Seriously Jason?!"

Damian is more bothered by the fact that they both have red hair. Surely that was some sort of record? How many red-heads were there in the world?

…

When Damian walks in on his sister — the only hope for his imbecilic family — and Fatgirl, together on the living room couch, he decides that the world must be conspiring against him.

That, or there was some sort of curse — a red-headed curse.

Later on, when he demands that Fatgirl end the relationship, cut off all ties with Cassandra and the family, move to some remote country and — most importantly — change that ridiculous hair colour, she laughs and ruffles his hair.

Damian's eyes narrow. He wonders if his father would allow an exception to the 'no killing' rule in this scenario. After all, desperate times call for desperate measures.

…

For some time, there is hope.

Grayson is attached to a red-head, Cassandra is attached to a (fake) red-head, Todd is attached to two red-heads — but there is hope for the family. And that hope comes in the form of (as much as he hates to say this) Drake.

…He is going to find some way to wash his mind with soap later.

It's true though — Drake is not dating a red-head. He is with that abominable clone. Damian hates the clone with all his heart, just as he hates Drake, but the important thing is the clone does not have red hair. There is hope for this family, hope for him. This curse may have threatened to sweep through the Wayne household, capturing them all in its malevolent grip, but that repugnant relationship gives him hope.

He should have known it was too good to be true. It's Drake after all — he should have known that even the clone wouldn't be able to stick around for long. Lately, Damian can't help but notice that the clone hasn't been coming around much. Previously he'd been there almost every day, invading the manor, eating all their food ("oh god Alfred, Ma's great and all, but you are a GODSEND!"), finishing their shampoo ("hey this stuff is quality!"), and making Father brood even more than usual.

The clone hasn't been here all week, and while Damian should be pleased about that, it only makes him wary.

The abhorrent relationship has been a sign that there is some hope for this family. After all, Damian is the only Wayne sibling currently unattached, and he has no desire to be struck down by the red-headed curse. Damian prides himself on his intelligence and logic.

Therefore, he knows that he'd somehow end up roped into a relationship with Colin.

Colin is, after all, the only red-head his age he knows. He doesn't want a romantic relationship with Colin — he sees no benefit in it. From what Damian has heard, couples spend time caring about what happens in their significant other's life. There is no need for that — Colin is content with listening to tale's of Damian's everyday life (his plots to have Drake disowned, his complaints about Grayson's hugs), and Damian really doesn't think the orphanage is the subject of many interesting or amusing tales.

Therefore, from what Damian understands, the only way to save his and Colin's friendship from certain damnation, is to keep Drake attached to the clone.

…

…And then Allen starts showing up.

Bart Allen, that red-headed speedster, who seems to be taking the clone's place as the manor's uninvited guest. And he has red-hair — dammit, he should have known there was something wrong. Someone has cursed this family — Damian silently notes that he will have to warn father to stay away from all magicians from this day forth — and now each of his siblings were paying for it.

Damian refuses to become the next victim. There is only one way too break the curse (well, two he supposes, but he is certainly not finding himself some silly girl or boy, who would do nothing more than waste precious time that could be spent training) — Drake and the clone will have to get back together.

He'll make sure of it.

…

"…So, what you're saying is, if we don't get your brother and his boyfriend back together…we'll have to date each other?" Colin frowns, as if he's not sure he has all the pieces he needs to fit this puzzle together.

"Yes," Damian replies calmly. "And he's not my brother," he adds, as an afterthought. At least not for much longer; he is sure his father's lawyer will be contacting him any day now, in response to that letter he'd sent him the previous week (detailing the numerous reasons why Drake's presence is hindering the functioning of the family, and how they'd all be better off if he is disowned, and shipped away to some far-off asylum).

"Is that really such a bad thing?" Colin asks, chewing on his lip.

"What?"

"Us. Dating I mean." Colin looks confused. "I mean, it'd mean we'd spend a lot of time together alone and…that's basically what we do now anyway."

"You're confused," Damian tells him. "It's the curse talking, not you. Now — time to play matchmaker."

Colin shrugs, and nods his head.

…

Colin suggests they write a list of all the things the clone likes about Drake.

…It doesn't go so well.

That's mainly Colin's fault, Damian decides; for some reason, his friend seems unsatisfied with all of his suggestions, and yet all of Colin's are utterly ludicrous. Apparently Colin is delusional enough to think that Drake is nice. Drake is not nice — he is dull and annoying.

"He's rich," Damian replies. "Thanks to my father anyway — and I suppose his parents were wealthy enough."

Colin frowns. "Yeah, but I don't think his boyfriend liked him for his money."

"Well I cannot think of anything else," Damian retorts. "It seems like a simple enough solution — we'll pay the clone to date Drake."

"It won't work Dami," Colin replies. Damian opened his mouth to argue, but then closed it, and sighs.

"Fine," he grumbles. "…And don't call me Dami."

…

For some reason, that he still can't fully comprehend, he goes to Grayson for help. Grayson, of course, misunderstands horribly, and seems to think that Damian wants advice on how to woo his 'adorable little friend' (Damian assumes Grayson is speaking about Colin — his only other 'adorable little friend' is Titus, and if Grayson is speaking about Titus, then he really does need to be institutionalised).

"Give him flowers," Grayson says, beaming. "Red roses."

"Red," Damian curses. Of course it was red.

Grayson interprets this as excitement (he has no idea how — the man must be deaf), and ruffles his hair, much to his displeasure.

"Colin will love them," he says gleefully.

"They're not for Colin!" Damian yells.

…

When Tim's phone rings, and Kon's name flashes across the screen, he knows that he's probably smiling like an idiot.

He can't help it though. It seems like ages since he last spoke to his boyfriend. It's not Kon's fault — being isolated from society is one of the downsides to being grounded (and being grounded is one of the downsides of sneaking out and staying at your boyfriend's house all night, without informing Ma Kent of your whereabouts).

Bart and Cassie have been good company, but he misses his Kon.

"Hey," he says, trying to keep the excitement out of his voice. "How are you?"

Tim doesn't really expect Kon to sound as enthusiastic as he is — he's practically been a prisoner on the farm for a week after all — but he doesn't expect his boyfriend to sound so freaked out.

"Tim," Kon says shakily. "I think your little brother is in love with me."

…What the hell?

Tim frowns, wondering whether Bruce has adopted anymore kids when he wasn't looking (he doesn't think so, but you never know with that man). However Tim is fairly certain that he doesn't have any new little brothers, which means that Kon is talking about Damian.

And that's…impossible.

"Kon," he says flatly, "Damian isn't in love with you." Sweet lord, what was that farm doing to Kon's mind?

"I had a delivery this morning," Kon says, and he sounds more than a little terrified. "A hundred roses — Tim, they're everywhere."

Tim's eyes fly open because…one hundred roses?

"The card wasn't signed," Kon continued, in that same, shaky voice, "but I know it was him because — well, just listen to this alright? The card said: dear half-breed clone; the feelings I have for you, which I suppose could be interpreted as love, are quite strong. I demand that you return to the manor at once."

Tim blanches because he honestly can't think of anyone else who talks like that (and he remembers Bruce complaining about strange purchases on his credit card — a hundred roses certainly qualifies as 'strange').

"Tim," Kon says, "I'm scared."

'Yeah — I'm scared too,' Tim decides.

…

"It didn't work," Damian growls, his shoulders hunching. "I thought for sure that the clone would be flying over here, declaring his love for Drake, but no — he's nowhere in sight."

Colin pops a cookie in his mouth, and chews thoughtfully.

"Colin?" Damian prompts. "I need help here! This is important, for both of us! Do you want to be my boyfriend?!"

Colin shrugs.

"Colin!"

"I just doesn't bother me," Colin replies, popping another cookie into his mouth. "I mean, it'd just mean we'd be spending more time together, and you're my only friend so…it's not really an issue."

"You're my only friend too," Damian says. He doesn't mean it as a sappy, Grayson-like sentiment; it's the truth. "And it needs to stay that way, which is why the clone and Drake need to fix their crumbling relationship."

It's at that moment that Drake comes rushing down the stairs, seemingly in a state of panic.

"Damian!" he yells, coming to an abrupt stop. "Did you — did you send Kon roses?!"

Damian blinks. "Yes," he replies calmly. "Brilliant idea, isn't it?"

Drake chokes. "But — but why?" he stutters.

Damian narrows his eyes. "If you honestly have to ask, then clearly I haven't done enough."

'Dammit,' he thinks. He was sure the flowers would work. Then again, the clone is rather dense; this would probably take more effort than he initially thought.

"Don't worry Drake," he says. "For my own sake, I'm not done with the clone yet."

For some reason, that only makes Drake pale further.

…

AN:

Hey! Random idea I had, so I thought I'd turn it into a fic. I have way too much fun writing Damian's character haha. Hope you enjoy this — there is going to be a two-shot, so there'll be one more chapter to go.