Worthless. Nothing. Ugly. Fat. Waste of space. This is how I feel day of my life. The pain of my world seems never ending. Sometimes the pain was too much to handle. The scars on my left arm and my legs proved that. It would be a lie if I say I never thought about ending the pain forever, leaving it all behind, never coming back, but I was being strong for my mom. I don't think she would be able to take care of herself if I killed myself. I was all she had left. So I carried on my day to day life, hoping one day something would come around that would make all the pain go away, forever. I, Brittney Baker, needed to be stronger for my mom. The only person who knew about my cutting was my sister Cassi. She had cut when she was my age and knew the signs better than anyone else. She caught me and I stopped, for a while at least. She died in car accident a little over a year ago. That is when things got even worse.
I went to school like any other 17 year old girl, sitting in class with people I used to be friends with but had a falling out with, people I have never really talked to, and the people I have always hated for one reason or another. Those were the people who were the worst for me to be around. They would call me names and tell that I should just go jump off a cliff. Whenever they would say stuff like that I would drive home after school and pull out my razor, making multiple slashes across my body. Not stopping until I couldn't remember why I started in the first place.
I couldn't wait until school was over for the year and I could leave this place for three months, not seeing anyone until my senior year started in the fall. Thank God there was only a 2 days left and we weren't really doing anything. We had already taken our finals and so we dint have any school work to do, that meant we go to watch movies. I sit in the back in all of my classes and always walked in right before the bell rang so I didn't have to face the people making my life a living hell.
Not being very interested in watching in watching Romeo and Juliet I pulled out my special notebook, flipped to a blank page, and started writing another letter to Cassi. This is what I do when I have nothing to do at school, I write down everything that has happened since my last letter and it feels like she is just in another state not in heaven. Mainly my letters consisted of how much I missed her and how hard it was to be here without her. Only being five years apart Cassi was my best friend and her death had been the hardest thing anyone has told me in my entire life, hence the cutting. It was the only escape. Writing the letters did help a little. I know she is never going to be able to read any of them, but I feel like her spirit is there 'reading' them as I am writing them. I was pulled out of my thoughts when the bell rang, signaling for us to go to our next class. I had written three pages front and back during this class period. Most of it was just rambling, but that is how we talked when she was alive. No one was able to understand what we were talking about most of the time. We had so many inside jokes that even if they tried to understand they would be lost in a matter of seconds.
I gathered my things back into my backpack and walked towards the front doors. Even though other people were walking to their next classes, I got to walk out the front doors to my car and go home; I had only 4 classes while everyone else had 5. I walked out the front door of my own personal hell and made my way to the only bright side in my life; my '67 Impala. This has been my car since I turned 15, I may not have been able to drive it until after I turned 16 and had taken my drivers test, but it has been all mine for just over 2 years. It was the only place where I didn't have to worry about people yelling how worthless I was. All I had to do was roll up the windows and blast one of the cassette tapes I had managed to find at a local record store. They aren't the type of music that I would normally listen to but I beat having to listen to the silence because I couldn't listen to CD's. As soon as I unlocked my doors and slid onto the leather seat I could feel myself feel that much better. I grabbed my favorite tape and pushed it into the player and blasted Eye Of The Tiger by Survivor; my favorite song.
I drove along the road until I arrived in my driveway. I got out and my way to my front door, checked the mail box and grabbed the mail sitting inside, unlocked the door and made my way to the kitchen where I set the mail on the counter. After grabbing a glass of water I made my way upstairs where I laid on my bed for a few minutes in silence. Then it hit me; I had to pack. I was leaving tomorrow night after school and I was going to London for the summer. I don't know what I was going to do when I got there but I was going to find something to do. London was just the only place I could go where I wouldn't have to learn a whole new language. I always suck when it comes to remembering languages. Even after 4 years of French I can only tell you my name. I already had a nice hotel room reserved and paid for until the date I decided to come home.
I spent my night packing my whole suitcase. I packed mainly short sleeve shirts and shorts, with a few tank tops and jeans, a few dresses, and even a couple long sleeve shirts just in case. I had packed 5 bikinis and shorts that matched them, and an array of shoes. And of course I had underwear, toiletries, my hair straightener, and my makeup. I wasn't going to do my hair or makeup tomorrow since I was going to have a long flight ahead of me and I didn't want to end up looking like a raccoon because of my smeared eyeliner.
When I had everything packed and ready to go, I slipped into bed and turned on my Ihome and turned the light off. Within a few minutes I was having my usual dream about Cassi, finally falling asleep with a single tear slipping out of the corner of my right eye.
Hey, you guys! i know it has been so long since i have done story or even updated my other stories, but i just had this idea in my head and had to get it out onto my computer.
im going to say not that some of the things you have read already are true: i do cut, my sister used to cut, my sisters name really is Cassi and we really are best firends. the only thing that isnt true is that Cassi did not die, she is very much alive. but my brother Jordan did die in a car accident in 2006. i hope you guys enjoy this story and dont forget to leave me a review telling me what you think and if you think i would continue to write this.
as always, much love,
bjbwriter1 brittney baker
(PS my avatar is a picture of me and cassi if you are wondering what we look like. i am the one with the pink in my hair and the blue tank top.)