A/N - They belong to JE and Pink respectively… yadda, yadda, yadda.
WARNING - I should probably tell you this is a bit angsty, somebody dies. Just thought you should know.
"Who Knew?"
You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right
I can still remember that day in the diner. I know he thought I was just some little white girl from the 'Burg. I could never figure out why he decided to help me. Well… that's not true. He owed Connie a favor, but that didn't tell me why he continued to help. What made him decide half way through the conversation to become Henry Higgins to my Eliza Doolittle? What did he see in me? He saw something, even if it was unconsciously. I knew exactly when he did. He started sounding more like Wall St. Ranger than Ghetto Ranger. Whatever it was I will be forever grateful. He was always there, whenever I needed saving, a ride or just a shoulder. He made me believe I was Wonder Woman.
"Ranger, you can't keep coming to my rescue." I was sitting on the curb watching the remains of my latest car disaster. He sank down on the curb next to me putting his arm around my shoulders.
"Babe. I don't always rescue you. Sometimes I'm just on the clean up detail." He smiled that small grin that I loved, "You don't want to take away all my fun do you?" Ranger humor.
"I've got to learn sometime. What happens when you're no longer here?" That's not something I really want to contemplate. That's just too damn scary.
"I'll be around. I'm not going anywhere, Eliza. When I'm done being Professor Higgins you won't need me anymore."
"I'll always need you Ranger." Looking at him, I could see something moving in his eyes. I wasn't sure what it was but it made me want to kiss him. So I did. It was soft and slow, no tongue but a wealth of emotion. It was the kind of kiss that brings tears to your eyes. At least it did to mine.
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew
God, here we go again. It seems like Joe and I can't even have lunch without getting in an argument. It doesn't matter if we're at his place, my place, the TPD, hell even Pino's isn't safe anymore. Case in point, here we are in Pino's parking lot, going at it. Again.
"Steph, come on." I could see Joe's frustration level rising. "He's going to lose interest. I've seen it before."
"What are you talking about Joe?"
"This little fascination Manoso has with you. Once he gets his fill or you're too much trouble he'll move on."
"It's not like that Joe. You don't even know him so how can you stand there and tell me what he's thinking?" Who does he think he is? "Ranger is my friend and my mentor." And tormentor, but that's not something I should say, probably.
"Just watch, Cupcake. In a couple of years he'll be long gone and then who is going to pick up after you. If you insist on blundering around doing a job that you aren't equipped to handle it won't be me. I will not take sloppy seconds from a psycho like him or his bunch of thugs."
I guess Joe didn't believe me when I told him Ranger and the guys had been training me. A lot of that training was physical. In fact, Tank is quite the boxer. He was a Golden Gloves champion in his younger days. He's been showing my how to dodge and block, but most importantly he showed me how to throw a punch like a pro, which is exactly what I did. I knocked Joe on his ass. Nobody talks about my friends like that. That wasn't what the punch was for though. That was for me.
Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything
I can fight with Joe, deal with my mother's guilt, fend off questions from Connie and Lula and deal with the betting pools at RangeMan and the TPD all day long and not bat an eye, but when I argue with Ranger my world falls apart. It seems like everything loses light and color. Sounds are muffled and nothing works the way it is supposed to. I feel like I am walking in a fog bank and nothing can reach me but the pain in my heart and mind.
The only thing that makes it bearable is the fact that I know he is there, somewhere. I know he cannot always be with me but he always makes sure someone is around for me. It doesn't get better until we talk though. It doesn't matter how many of his men follow me, if he isn't there it hurts. We wouldn't argue if he would just let me in. I know his life doesn't lend itself to relationships and his love doesn't come with a ring. He says it's to keep me safe, but I think it's to keep his heart safe, to keep his sense of control.
"Ranger, how hard is it to just tell me what's going on. I'm tired of being left in the dark."
"Babe. I tell you as much as you need to know to keep you safe."
"I can't do this. You say you are my friend but you're always leaving me in the dark. I think I should have the right to choose what I need to know or not. I'm tired of people making decisions for me. Why don't you trust me to do what is best for me?" Oh my god. He doesn't trust me. After all the time and money he has spent on my training he still doesn't believe I'll do the right thing.
"I trust you Babe. Never doubt it. It's just the way I am."
"I'm sorry. I don't believe you. I can't do this anymore."
oOo oOo oOo oOo oOo
"Steph, come on. You have to come with me. Right now." I'd never seen Tank in quite this state. He's never agitated.
"What's going on, Tank?" Maybe I'm missing something. I was still half asleep after all.
"Steph, just come on. We don't have time to waste. Where are your sweats?" He was going through my dresser hunting for clothes. Apparently I wasn't moving fast enough for him.
"Tank, you're scaring me… what's going on? Answer me, damn it!" This is so not good. Something is really off. Ranger! "Tank, is something wrong with Ranger? Where is Ranger?"
"Steph, please, just get up. We don't have a lot of time. I'll fill you in on the way." Without giving me a chance to put on the sweats he threw at me, I was being dragged out of the apartment and down the hall.
We got into the Bronco and tore out of the parking lot. I was getting scared because he wasn't answering my questions. Please Dear God, let Ranger be alright. I couldn't take it if something happened to him. We hadn't spoken in weeks. Ever since I told him I didn't believe him when he said he trusted me. I could still see the look in his eyes when I said that. It was like something had shattered, that was until the mask came down.
"I don't know what happened between you two," I started to say something and he just cut me off, "and frankly, I don't want to know. That's between the two of you. Whatever it was, it changed him." I couldn't stop the tears. I didn't know what to say.
"He's been a right bastard for the last couple of weeks. He hasn't been concentrating, hasn't been able to focus on the job."
"Please Tank. Please just tell me what happened." I could barely talk through the fear. I never realized I had that much power over him. He said I did but I didn't see it. "I can't fix it if I don't know what's wrong. I'll fix it." I was so caught up in my thoughts that I hadn't heard Tank take a call on his cell. I didn't even notice when his driving lost its sense of urgency.
"That was Lester." Looking at Tank, there were tears in his eyes. "Bomber… Steph, you can't fix it this time."
What does he mean I can't fix it? I'll apologize and tell him I trust him. I do trust him, I always have. Everything will be alright. It has to be alright. I just needed to get through his shell. I hadn't meant for us not to talk for so long. I was going to call him in the morning and make everything ok again, I missed him so much.
"Ranger was shot. They couldn't stop the bleeding." NO! No no no no no. "I'm sorry, Steph. He's gone."
That's weird, I've never heard Tank scream before. I can't breathe, why can't I breathe. I guess it must be me I hear screaming. So that's what it feels like when a part of you dies.
When someone said count your blessings now
'fore they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew
I didn't remember the rest of the trip to the hospital. I guess that's where we were going. Everything was just numb and cold. I was so cold, I couldn't stop shivering. I kept thinking 'It's my fault'. I kept going in circles trying to figure out what I could have done different. If I hadn't walked away he would still be here. The guys kept telling me it wasn't my fault, but I knew better. My brain just wouldn't shut down. Conversations kept circling in my head, especially one with Tank not long before Ranger and I argued.
"I swear Bombshell, the two of you are going to drive the rest of us crazy." We were sitting in his bronco doing surveillance on a skip. Usually Tank was as quiet as Ranger, but that night he felt like talking. "You guys keep circling each other. You just need to stop and talk."
"Where's the fun in that Big Guy?" He hated being called that. So, of course, it was my new nickname for him. "Besides, I don't know what you are talking about."
"Don't give me that. Why can't you guys just enjoy what you have? Why does there always have to be something more?"
"Tank, I need to be a part of his whole life, not just on the fringes."
"You are a part of his life, maybe the biggest and most important part. You know more about him than anyone else including his family. Don't worry about what you don't know, just enjoy what you do."
Yeah yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened
Tank was right. I should have just enjoyed what I had. Looking back, it was the best thing in my life. He supported me unconditionally. He was always there for me, no matter what. Actions speak louder than words, right? Well, his actions shouted that he loved me. What else could I think? He gave me cars, a job, a place to stay. Hell, he even killed for me and proved that he was willing to die for me. He loved me, even if he couldn't say the words without qualifying them. What does 'in my own way' mean anyhow? Everybody loves 'in their own way'.
"It's just you and me now Ranger. Everybody else has gone. There were just a couple of things I wanted to tell you and I know how you like your privacy." I had to smile, people probably thought I was crazy when I said I wanted to talk privately with Ranger but I didn't care. "I just wanted to let you know that I loved you. You think I am being a bit presumptuous I know, but it's still true.
"There are more ways to say I love you than just words. I got the message, even if I was a little slow on the uptake. I just hope that you knew that I loved you as well. I was in love with you, I was just afraid to say it. I couldn't have borne it if you had walked away again.
"I guess we were both afraid. When we meet again, if you believe in that sort of thing, I won't be afraid. I have to believe that we will meet again, it's only thing that keeps me going." This was so hard, I didn't think I would ever stop crying, "The thought of an eternity without you is unthinkable. You wove your way into my very being, fighting it every inch of the way, probably. I choose to believe it was the same with you.
"I have to go now. The guys are waiting to take me to the reception hall. I wanted to tell you that you will always be my hero and I will never forget you. I will love you forever. I'll see you soon, even if it's only in my dreams." I laid the long stem red rose I was holding on the casket. It reminded me of the one had given me on Valentine's Day so long ago. I gave the casket a last kiss and turned to go back to the guys. As I walked away I could have sworn I heard Ranger say "I love you too, Babe."
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
"Cupcake."
"Hi Joe. I didn't expect to see you here."
"He was your friend. I came for you." I could believe that. Joe could be kind. "Can I talk to you? Privately." He was looking pointedly at my 'honor guard'. Tank, Lester and Bobby had taken positions around me, to keep people back. It was very sweet but not necessary.
"Sure. Guys I'll be right back." I tried to smile to let them know I was going to be ok. Joe walked me to a quiet corner of the hall. It was surprising how many people showed up to honor Ranger. He had touched a lot of peoples lives.
"What did you want Joe?" I was losing patience. All I wanted to do was go home and go to bed.
"I wanted to know what you were going to do now that… well now." He was looking a little unsure of himself. I guess he caught the look on my face. I didn't like where this was heading and I think he knew it.
"Go on."
"I just wanted you to know that I have thought about it and I'll go ahead and marry you. There are conditions however." I really didn't like where this was going but I let him keep digging his hole. "You have got to quit working for Vinnie. I can get you a receptionist job at the office if you really feel you need to work. You have got to give up this fantasy of Wonder Woman and grow up. The only reason you lasted as long as you did was because of Manoso and he isn't here anymore." It was either begin to sob or get angry when he said that. I couldn't believe he could be so callous, we were at Rangers wake. So, I decided to get angry. Very angry.
"Are you finished?" I was so mad I was surprised you couldn't see steam coming out of my ears. The only thing that kept me from screaming at him at the top of my lungs was the fact that I was here for Ranger. I didn't want to embarrass myself in front of his family. It was going to be a very close thing though. At Joe's nod, I tore into him and settled for poking him in the chest to make my point.
"Who the hell do you think you are? I wouldn't marry you if you were the last man on Earth. You think you have the right to tell me how to live my life? You have another thing coming, asshole! I will work where I feel like and with whom I feel like. You have no say in the matter. Ranger was my best friend and the love of my life. I will not tolerate you speaking about him like that, especially now." I remembered my boxing lessons from Tank and let Joe have it. Before I could hit him again Tank grabbed me around the waist and took me, weeping, to the car so I could go home. It was for the best, probably.
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
"I saw Joe today."
"Oh, what did Morelli have to say?" We were sitting on a couple of Adirondack chairs on the beach looking at the sunset. A warm breeze ruffled my hair.
"The usual, he's willing to marry me if only... I'm sure you can fill in the rest. I put those boxing lessons to good use. Tank is a wonderful teacher." I could hear the ocean in the background. Somebody was playing a guitar farther down the beach.
"Proud of you, Babe." I could hear a smile in his voice.
"I don't think I can do this. I can't do it without you."
"I know that you can do anything you put your mind to. You will fly like you always wanted. Just don't let people tell you how to live your life. You have everything you need. I'll always be here. The guys will be there for you same as before, you're like family to them. You aren't alone."
"But I miss you so much it hurts. I can't take anymore."
"Babe. It will get better. I promise. Just remember, I love you." I could hear the sea gulls in the background. They were getting loud and insistent. I couldn't hear what Ranger was saying any more. When I looked over at him all I saw was my closet. Looking around I realized I was in my bedroom. All I could do was cry because it was only a dream.
Fini