Waluigi and Gun G. Gun Go to College-The Musical!
Scene 1-College
Midday, on an average college campus, there is a quad in the background with a few students lounging. Stumbling out with his arms laden with heavy boxes is WALUIGI, his face frantic and his walk erratic.
WALUIGI
(Walks up to several people, all of whom ignore him)
Can you help me find Toadsworth Hall? I'm looking because I'm moving in to my new dorm room with my new roommate. In college. Yes. I go to college you know!
(Feeling dejected and alone, Waluigi walks up to two students, their backs turned to him. They present an air of nonchalance, the cool that he is desperately seeking).
Hello! My name is Waluigi! I'm a new student here. At the college. Which I go to.
MARIO
Where did you come from? Dragsville? (He smirks and high fives his companion).
LUIGI
Yeah, we don't talk to losers. Especially ones that come from Dragsville. It's a drag... (He shrugs his shoulders, looking for validation, but finds none).
MARIO
You know, your comments really don't add anything, Luigi.
LUIGI
But at least I'm a bro, unlike this loser! (MARIO and LUIGI smirk and high five. WALUIGI slumps, he clearly senses that there is something wrong with this situation but attempts to plough through).
WALUIGI
I was just wondering if you could help me find Toadsworth Hall...
MARIO
Nah, Brah. I'm gonna be too busy- (His expression changes, he clearly has a nasty idea)
Actually, why don't you come with me and Luigi here?
LUIGI
Mario, what are you talk-(MARIO elbows him in the ribs, LUIGI smirks). Yeah, why don't you come with me and Mario here? (He twiddles his mustache in a conniving manner).
(MARIO and LUIGI lead WALUIGI across campus and into a tour group of sexy young coeds. WALUIGI is then tripped by MARIO and LUIGI, and grabs a girl's breasts in order to balance himself. She squeals, and punches WALUIGI in the face. He bursts into tears as the whole campus begins to laugh at him. Running, Waluigi bursts into his dorm room, tears still running down his face from his humiliation).
WALUIGI
WA WA WA LUUUUUU-IGIIIIII. WA WA WA LUUUUUU-IGIIIIIIII.
WHY IS LIFE SO HARD FOR ME.
ALL WANT IS TO BE FREE.
I HAVE NEVER ASKED FOR MUCH.
BUT HAPPINESS I CANNOT TOUCH.
HOW DID IT END UP LIKE THIS?
A LIFE OF PAIN, NEVER BLISS.
TO FALL SO FAR
TO FALL SO FAST
OH WOE IS ME, MY TROUBLED PAST
IT WAS TUESDAY AFTERNOON
I WAS SITTING IN MY ROOM
WATCHING MOVIES
OKAY PORN
RUING THE DAY I WAS BORN
(CHORUS)
SOON, MY MOTHER WADDLES IN.
I WATCH HER MUSTACHE GLISTEN.
WITH THE SWEAT, BLOOD AND TEARS
EPITOME OF ALL MY FEARS
I HAVE SOME NEWS, FOR YOU MY SON
I AM TIRED OF YOU, YA' BUM!
MY BOYFRIEND THINKS THAT YOU'RE A FAIL
AND HIS RULING SHALL PREVAIL
LEAVE THIS HOUSE. BECOME A MAN.
BUT DON'T WORRY, I HAVE A PLAN.
GO TO COLLEGE, GET A DEGREE.
AND YOU CAN COME HOME TO ME.
HURRY NOW AND HURRY FAST.
FORGET US HERE, WE'RE THE PAST.
GET OUT BEFORE THE DAY IS THROUGH
BUT REMEMBER, I SORTA TOLERATE YOU.
(CHORUS)
SO I LEFT, MY HOME, MY LIFE
CAME TO COLLEGE TO FIND A WIFE
I WON'T SEE MY MOTHER DEAR
OR HER HEMMOROID CREAM FOR HER-
(WALUGI shudders)
ANY WAY, I HAVE A GOAL,
TO MAKE MYSELF SOMEHOW WHOLE
I WILL BECOME A SEXY MAN
THIS IS PART OF MY PLAN
I'LL HAVE NICE HAIR
I'LL GET THE GIRLS
BUT IF I HAVE TO...
I'LL SETTLE FOR SQUI-
(Waluigi turns around to see a man of ambiguous race and obvious Jewish Heritage leaning against the doorframe. He is everything that Waluigi is not, tall, cool, collected, and ruggedly handsome)
GUN G. GUN
Man, what the HELL is wrong with you? You ain't no... music major are you? (WALUIGI shakes his head, his face beet red. GUN snorts, satisfied) Good. I hate those damn music-lovin honkeys.
WALUIGI
Well... what's your major? Because... I have one too...
GUN G. GUN
Philosophy... with a Latin minor. And I ain't gonna take no shit from you about it, you got that?
WALUIGI
No, I wouldn't dream of it! (WALUIGI drops his things, putting his arms in the air.) My name is Waluigi, I go to college.
GUN G. GUN
The name's Gun. Gun G. Gun.
WALUIGI
And the G? What does that stand for?
(GUN spins around in the swivel chair he's sitting in, and strikes a badass pose.)
GUN G. GUN
GUN!
(WALUIGI's heart skips a beat.)
WALUIGI (aside)
This Gun guy is so... cool... Maybe he can help me make something of myself! (WALUIGI snickers excitedly.) (To GUN) So, since you're here, I guess we must be roommates? You know, college roommates? Because, I'm in college, you know.
GUN G. GUN
Guess so... bitch. I'm unpacking, so you should do the same. (He pulls a large, ornate Menorah out of a bag and places it on his desk.)
(WALUIGI gathers his things and moves them to his side of the room. He looks disdainfully at his barren bed, it was stained and yellowed.)
WALUIGI
That's a nice poster. (He nods his head towards the giant star of David adorning Gun's wall above his shiny wooden desk. Waluigi's metal desk is lit by a single spotlight, looking rickety and forlorn) I guess...is that standard Jewish equipment?
GUN G. GUN
What? (He shakes his head rapidly). Bitch, you're being all sorts of honky. We gotta get you jive with Jewish culture.
WALUIGI
I know all about the Jews! You celebrate Ramadan, you love reincarnation, nirvana is desired, your major holidays involve roasted pig and luaus, and you follow the Prophet, Joseph Smith and you sacrifice your firstborn to Zoraster, prince of the sky. Nephew to the flying spaghetti monster.! (After his recital, Waluigi thrusts his chest out rather triumphantly).
GUN G. GUN
(Gun sits with his mouth agape, shaking his head back and forth slowly). You gotta be crack a lackin' wif my fro adorned Jew Ass! I don't do no fastin', 'cept on Yom Mutha Fuckin' Kippur!
WALUIGI
What's Yom Kippur? Is that like...where you eat the fish...and crochet? That's weird. Joseph Smith wouldn't like that...
GUN G. GUN
No you dumbass mutha fuckin' honky ass jive turkey! It's the day of atonement. You atone for your sins. Like if I was to bust a cap in yo' ass fo' being such a dumbass mutha fuckin' honkey ass jive turkey! You're such a mesuggah. If my bubbe was-. (He stops himself, taking deep steadying breaths). Anyway. Yom Kippur is a holy day of the Jewish religion. We fast. No fish. No knittin'. That's for honky ass old ladies. 'Cept for Bubbe. Anyway. (He sees Waluigi cowering in the corner, trembling. His voice softens) Accept yo' massive ignorance, but let's put it behind us. What is your major? We never got around to talking 'bout it.
WALUIGI
(Still trembling, his voice quivers as he says) I-I-I, I got a poetry scholarship. B-b-b-but, I'm kinda...undecided...Please don't hurt me.
GUN G. GUN
Look, Honky. I ain't gotta bust a cap in yo' ass. It ain't my scene, ya' dig? That's cool 'bout the poetry. I can dig it. Can you dig it?
WALUIGI
I was never good at digging, but I'll grab my shovel. (He stands up once more, chest puffing out) I've never had a real job before.
GUN
You neva had a real job, honky? What've you being doing?
WALUIGI
Foxy Vixens Part Dos: Mother Comes Home. (They both stare at one another in a decidedly awkward silence).
GUN
I ain't even gonna ask. And damn, Waluigi, you gotta know that when I say "can ya dig it?" I mean "Do you understand?"
WALUIGI
Oh! Right! Well now that I'm in college, which I totally am, I can learn all about this stuff. (WALUIGI strokes his mustache, thinking about his learning possibilities.) So, I would "dig it" to mean that you and I are going to be best friends?
GUN
(He cocks his head to the side, as if contemplating this partnership) Well, we're gonna be roommates. (He sees WALUIGI's crestfallen face) So we'll see. I don't like rushin' into stuff if it ain't gonna feel completely down, ya' know?
WALUIGI
Oh yeah, I mean, rushing into stuff would be bad. Yeah. And you just met me...
(aside) And you already hate me.
GUN
You say something, honky?
WALUIGI
No, no. I have go write some poetry now. Goodbye. (He walks out, his perpetual slump returning twofold)
GUN
That honky is sure gonna make things all sorts a crazy up in here.