My name is Leafpool. Greetings rogue. I'm collecting coltsfoot here by the river. I also have a sinking suspicion you didn't travel all the way to the lake to simply hear me go on about such medicine things. But what else is there about me? Ah, you've heard about my kits, right? Don't give me the guilty look. Did you think it would be so hard for me to figure out your motives? Don't worry about it, though. I'm used to the stares and the questions. I'm used to being singled out for the black cat I have grown to love. Everyone would often wonder why I love him, but like everyone, you love their own self, and perhaps he's never warmed up to anyone else.
I will continue and go on with the story? Sorry, I don't think so. You are nothing more than a passing rogue. Why do you think I would answer your questions truthfully when I won't even do the same for my Clan mates? Well of course, I would share everything with Squirrelflight. She's my loyal sister, for StarClan's sake! Now run along please, I have to go.
…You're still here? I have coltsfoot now, so I have to leave. But I can't just leave you here. You're not going to leave, right? You are quite headstrong. You remind me of… never mind. It's nothing special. I'll speak with you, rogue. Come; walk with me to the lake. If you want to the truth, the untold truth, my own answer, there are things I wouldn't want anyone to hear my honest answer.
Have you ever heard of the three? Two of them are my kits. I would die for them, honestly. But don't worry. I do not regret a single thing I've done in my life. Yes, their father is not in ThunderClan. He was WindClan, Crowfeather. I miss him, his voice, his black fur, and his amber eyes. But I must follow the warrior code. He would want me to, anyway. I would never stop loving him, no matter if he stops loving me. Even when he told me at the Gathering he never cared for my kits or me, I still had a part of me who loved him no matter what the stakes were.
My kits are Hollyleaf, Jayfeather, and Lionblaze. I could me no prouder of them. Though Jayfeather was blind, he became a medicine cat. Lionblaze was such an outstanding fighter. Hollyleaf died for Ivypool, who is also my kin. No, I do not hate Ivypool. I am very proud of her. For coming back to ThunderClan and finding her destiny to save her Clanmates and die for a Clanmate. She died a warrior's death, and I can't find any reason why I would not like her. Jayfeather and Lionblaze are two of the four that are destined to save the Clans. And they did, with their special powers. I wonder if Crowfeather ever knew. But he had told me he didn't regret it, being with me.
Did you say that I am no longer happy? You are quite perceptive. Or perhaps it is the obvious. Truly, I am grieving for Crowfeather, but I still have my Clan. They've learned to forgive me, and though I wish I was still medicine cat. I loved the scent of herbs, the feeling of being respected, and watching myself heal other cats, without feeling the pang of guilt as I nurse my patients, knowing Jayfeather should be the one helping them. Can you please quit acting so shocked? It is true my love was been forbidden by the warrior code. And I lose the cat I love.
Let me explain. I'm sure you'll understand better without your mind swirling about that I betrayed the warrior code. I'd like to talk to someone who can think about this. No one understands what I feel. They just worry if I'm betraying them again. They were beginning to finally trust me again until it was revealed that Jayfeather, Hollyleaf, and Lionblaze were my kits. Whatever faith they had regained in me when I worked hard after I separated with Crowfeather was diminished that night of the full moon. Once again, I had to start from the beginning. I had to find some way,anyway, to get that trust back. It was all I had left. But everyone already hated me. And then the thing that torn me into two pieces was when Crowfeather told in front of every cat that he no longer loved me. I felt pain etched in my eyes, but I was steady. I just merely dipped my head. I understood, but that didn't mean I would never stop loving him.
The worst thing that happened was that Hollyleaf tried to kill me. I had to leave with the secret of her murder of Ashfur, hoping she would forgive me if I didn't tell. After all, it wasn't my story to tell. Her green eyes gleaming with anger, when all I hoped was that one day, all my kits would forgive me. That was all I asked. I wanted them to forgive me, and I could do all the loving. I never stopped loving them. And never would I stop. They were everything to me. And the painstaking sadness when Hollyleaf dove into the tunnels, chasing after a squirrel, and never to be seen, on that night of the Gathering. It was my fault that she ignored my Clanmates for so long. She was just humiliated and embarrassed. But I was happy when she came back, and she knew what was right and wrong. She had forgiven me, before she died, and I knew she would watch me among the stars.
I wonder what Crowfeather feels about me. True, he has his mate Nightcloud and his son Breezepelt, but I believe he wouldn't like Breezepelt. Breezepelt lost his reputation in front of Crowfeather when he tried to kill Lionblaze. I hope it wasn't me that made him hate Breezepelt. I'll always not want Breezepelt to suffer, because it was me that let him into the Dark Forest. It was all because of me. Yes, and Nightcloud. Though Crowfeather might have never loved her, he would've found a good mate in WindClan if it wasn't love for me. I know I suffer, but everyone suffers ten or a hundred times more than me with each action I take.
I'm so sorry for everyone. I've done nothing but betray each one…even Crowfeather. If I wasn't so stupid and accept his offer to be with me as a loner, none of this would've happened. There is no one to blame but myself. But no matter what, I don't regret it. I can live this life, and change it. I don't regret birthing to my kits, or being with Crowfeather…and neither does Crowfeather. He doesn't regret anything…and I'm happy about that.
…Oh sorry, I was so lost in my thoughts I forgot you were still there, rogue. What's that? You understand me? Thank you. I've never got to tell anyone about my honest answer, because no one would even care to listen, nor would they listen, because the warrior code is everything to them. I'm not saying it is not everything to me, but once in a while, I would like to tell about my troubles to someone who doesn't worry about the code every single heartbeat. I've never been able to tell my answer. My real, own answer to Crowfeather, to anyone.