The Secret Diary of Justin Burton
17 year-old Justin Burton's life was changed forever when convicted date-rapist Sam Owen walked into local pub, The Dog in the Pond, and set fire to it, killing his beloved twin sisters Mel and Sophie. Having already lost his father to suicide aged just 11, the death of his sisters proves too much to bear and Justin's life spirals out of control…
Sunday 18th February 2007
4:00pm
I miss them. I miss her. I feel so alone and empty and how ever much I try nothing seems to block it out, the memories, the pain, the loneliness. Is this going to be my life from now on? Is this all I will ever amount to? Getting hammered and then falling into bed with girls whose names I can't even remember the next day, girls I don't even care about. It's been just over five months now since it happened. Since Sam Owen killed my sisters and destroyed my family. Six months ago I had two big sisters, a beautiful girlfriend and a baby on the way. Now I have nothing. The worst thing about it all is the regrets. I would do anything to be able to see them one last time, to tell them how much I love them. I wish I had taken the time to get to know them better – what they loved, what their ambitions were and their dreams for the future. I'll never get that chance now.
The last good memory I have of them is that meal at their flat. It was Sophie's idea she wanted us to spend time together before school started again and before the baby was born. It was like when we were kids, laughing and joking, just having fun. Sophie was cooking the meal whilst Mel and I chatted on the sofa, messing around. She was teasing me about my half-waxed legs (Mel: 'Come on J, don't be such a wimp', Me: 'You promised you'd leave my legs alone'). I remember the sound of laughter echoing around the flat. They were always laughing, especially Mel, even after everything she had been through. Me, Mum and Sophie were so proud of her, the way she tried to get her life back on track after what Andy Holt did to her. Sometimes when I sit and think I get so angry at the injustice of it all, that bastard may be dead but he never paid for what he did, not really. And now she's dead too.
Monday 19th February 2007
4:30pm
That girl from Saturday night phoned this morning. She wants to meet up again later this week for a drink. Her name's Laura apparently. Classy eh? I slept with her yet I couldn't even remember her name. God, I'm so pathetic. Anyway I said I'd ring her back later. She seems a nice enough girl but I'm not sure I can be bothered. Why make the effort trying to get to know one another, forming a relationship, not when you can just move onto the next one?
10:15pm
Just come back from work. Tony's doing my head in with his moaning. Apparently Dom invited that McQueen girl to stay the night last night and Tony flipped his lid as he wasn't 'consulted' first (his words not mine!). Still it's a job and decent money. As soon as we can me and Sonny are going to get a flat together. I hate living at the Valentine's. It doesn't feel right, too many memories of Mel, Sophie and Ali…my family…
Thursday 22nd February 2007
6:00am
It's 6 am and I'm sitting here at my desk writing this. Why don't I just stamp 'saddo' on my forehead in big letters and be done with it? I can't sleep. I keep thinking about her. I don't want to, I want to forget but however much I try I can't quite stop thinking about her, about our time together, wrapped up in each others' arms, the smell of her beautifully scented skin, the feel of her lips as they were pressed against mine. I miss her but I have no one else to blame but myself. She tried her best to be there for me, to reassure me that she and the baby were my family now but I just didn't want to know. I felt she just didn't understand what I was going through, nobody did. Nobody except Sonny. He understood and he still does. We're on the same wave length, me and him. He doesn't judge me like Becca and the others did, or tell me how I should be feeling or acting. With him I can be myself, relax, and not be afraid of saying something wrong.
5:20pm
School was actually interesting today for once. Not the lessons or the work, that was dull, dull, dull but Sonny told me that he walked into the common room at lunch to see Craig Dean and John-Paul McQueen looking especially cosy. He reckons John-Paul is gay and fancies Craig. I told him he was being stupid. I mean Craig's getting it on with Sarah Barnes and I've seen John-Paul and Hannah Ashworth together. Sonny said he was going to spread what he had seen around but I told him to leave it. I know what it's like to have people talk about you at school – I've been the druggie, the knife-boy, teacher's pet and now…well now I'm just the boy who had both his sisters killed, the boy whose Mother lives hundreds of miles away. Apparently the fact Mum lives miles away makes me lucky but I don't feel lucky.
Oh yeah, almost forgot, Laura rang again today as well, whilst I was at school. I ignored the call. I know I'm being an absolute bastard just ignoring her like that but I just can't find the words to explain so I won't. It's better that way.
Friday 23rd February 2007
11:20pm
Mum phoned this evening. She sounded really down. I asked her if she was still taking the anti-depressants and she said she was. The doctor prescribed them to her after her breakdown. Her voice sounded different, empty, void of any real emotion. I asked her if she wanted me to visit this weekend but she brushed me off, she doesn't want to be a burden on me. I told her she wasn't but she wasn't listening. I told her how I was doing (carefully omitting any mention of my newfound habit of heavy drinking and casual sex – like I want my own Mother knowing about that!) - life at the Valentine's was fine, school was fine, work was fine. Then she threw me by asking if I'd heard from Becca. Even after everything, with the split, the baby not being mine and Becca moving back to live with her Mother, she still harboured worries that me and Becca would get back together someday. I said I hadn't and that I wasn't interested in getting back together (not exactly true admittedly but I wasn't going to tell her that!) and that things were going okay (again not exactly true either). I told her I loved her before we said our goodbyes and put the phone down. It feels strange being so far away from the only family you have left, you feel cut off. I'm grateful for the Valentine's taking me in, making me feel welcome, but it's not the same as having your family around you.