Enough for Forever
I turned the knob to the left, educing a flow of hot water. The quick stream slowly began to fill the large tub. I poured a fresh-smelling bubble bath liquid into the waterfall and watched as large amounts of bubbles protruded from the surface of the water. It's strange how such little things catch my interest now. Each individual bubble held a rainbow-like shimmer when caught in the light of the bathroom. Every bubble was surrounded, squished between dozens of others. Claustrophobic.
I pushed the suffocating thought from my mind as I undressed. Before stepping into the water, I pressed play on my CD player. Soft, soothing piano music echoed slightly. I warily dipped my big toe into the hot liquid. The temperature was soothing, and I slowly eased the rest of my body into it. I closed my eyes and immediately regretted it. Relaxation was impossible for me now. Haunting images played like a movie on the inside of my lids every time they closed. I reopened them and stared at the massive amount of bubbles in front of me.
Was it impossible for me to forget—to just not think for a moment? I sighed and tried to do just that. But my mind began racing: producing memories, images, ideas. Yes, I supposed, it was impossible.
So, I gave in. I let my mind do whatever it wanted; why try to stop it? The memories are what stood out the most. I felt the hole in my chest cave in, nausea overcame me. I wrapped my arms around myself and closed my eyes. Pain engulfed me from the inside out. Why did I succumb to this? Why did I constantly do this to myself?
Suddenly, a morbid realization overcame me.
I couldn't live anymore. I wouldn't be able to, even if I tried. It was over. My life was over. He was over. Gone. I wouldn't let myself think the last word, the devastatingly final word. My body shifted deeper into the water, the surface now barely above my shoulders. If I was going to go through with this, I wanted to relive the previous week all over again, no matter how much pain it caused me. I inhaled a shaky breath, preparing myself for the pain. And I closed my eyes.
The movie played on the inside of my eyelids; it really felt like I was at the local theatre. And then I saw her. Alice was in my house; it was the first time I had seen a member of the Cullen family in months. I skipped past the happiness I'd experienced to where everything went wrong. She spoke in a rushed voice, just slow enough for my human ears to understand. He thought I was dead. And now he was prepared to die because I was gone.
I felt a tear escape my closed eyes. It slid down my cheek and I heard it drip into the water. My aching heart urged me to get it over with. No, I thought, I would not open my eyes until the story was over. But my ears entered back to reality and I listened to the sonata. After a few moments, it lulled me back to my movie.
We were flying to Italy. The irony was almost unbearable. An express trip to Europe should have been an amazing voyage to remember. But it was now a memory I wished would abscond forever. I felt myself beginning to smile, ever so slightly, at the remembrance of my beseeching Alice to bite me. What a silly girl I was. Such desires had dimmed, if not completely extinguished, the moment I learned of his… No. I wasn't to that part of the story yet. I forced my mind to rewind back to Italy. I jumped out of the sports car Alice had stolen. The sun was almost exactly above me, signaling that time had almost run out. I sprinted through the crowded square, shoving people out of my way, and tripping as well. I hated myself for being so clumsy. Well, I usually did get angry with myself for that reason, but at this point, I absolutely despised myself. This coordination impediment was keeping me from him.
My heart ached along with the hole in my chest. I squeezed my eyes, hoping the action would make the pain subside. It came of no use.
I slopped through the fountain in the center of the plaza. The water was freezing and intensified each of my senses. The most heightened, however, seemed to be the voice in my head. Usually it was his voice. But it was only him when my life was in danger. Now that it was he who was in trouble, he was silent. So, this voice was like a more hysterical version of mine. Much more hysterical. It screamed at me to run faster, to push harder, to get to the edge of the shadows before he did.
But I was already too late. My heart gave irregular palpitations when I saw the beautiful glittering young man standing across the square. All else seemed to fade, including all of the staring Italians. His chiseled back was to me. His bronze hair ruffled slightly in the gentle breeze. My mouth was most certainly agape; doubtless I mirrored his other onlookers. I must have still been standing in the fountain watching him, because Alice had hauled me out immediately. I was about to scream his name, to get him to pay attention to me. But Alice smothered me before I had a chance to fully fill my lungs. We were too late. She told me that the Volturi were already coming for him. And that was when I knew that there was no more hope left.
A ragged breath escaped my throat. It sounded like a mixture between a sob and a cry of pain. And it was a fusion of both. I wrenched my mouth shut, hoping the throbbing hole in my chest would follow suit. I returned to the unfinished movie.
Once that realization overcame me, I passed out. I dreamed of death and emptiness. Even in my unconscious state, I was still miserable for his demise. The thrashing was what woke me. The rest of the day was nothing. I didn't remember the plane ride home. I didn't even remember seeing Alice before returning to Charlie. My mind, my heart, my body were all dead. Along with him.
The following weeks had also been empty. I didn't go to school for the first, but by the second, Charlie decided I had to go. I had returned to my zombie state. Only this time, I did not want to be numb. I wanted to disappear. This time was different. At the beginning I knew he didn't want me. He left. Now I knew that he still loved me in some way. He wouldn't have put himself in danger if he didn't care that I died. He had still wanted me. Now he was completely gone even though he loved me.
At that thought, I simply couldn't breathe.
Moments passed before I could inhale again. But when I did, the raw edges of the hole burned, making me hug myself. I couldn't live like this. I couldn't live with emotion because I would hurt all the time. I did not want to be a zombie again. That was simply not an option. Neither was life.
My eyes shifted away from the bubbles to the bathroom counter. There was no piece of paper holding my final words. Did this really need an explanation? I did not regret what I was about to do. There was no life with me. No normalcy. No love. I was incapable of feeling that emotion and any other. I think the only sense I could feel was pain and branches of it. If I couldn't have Edward, I couldn't have life. There was no possible way to continue living. I had no life ahead of me, and I would not waste Charlie's with its pointlessness.
I looked back at the bubbles and sighed slowly. It was time.
I slid my body deeper into the tub. The water rose past my neck, it climbed my chin, it engulfed my nose. I closed my eyes once my entire body was completely submerged. I decided not to rush things. No inhaling the water. No ridding my lungs completely of the life that was left. I just held my breath and let it escape as naturally as possible. Was there a natural way to drown?
I decided to keep my eyes closed. I could hear my heartbeat. The piano's song was muddled through the water. It was an interesting sound. Still beautiful. My lungs asked for air, but I refused. Instead, I slowly released the rest of the air from them. I let the last part of life escape to the surface, where it belonged. The thuds of my heart began to spread further apart.
As I began to lose consciousness, I thought of death. At least it would be peaceful. The water was still warm and I was floating. Almost like birth. It would be relatively painless. Forgetting the fact that I was a coward, of course. I smiled slightly. Even in death I could think such things and smile.
Another thought entered my dying mind. Death was okay. Edward was dead and I would soon follow. Could we end up in the same place? If it could bring me closer to Edward, then that was simply enough.
Enough for forever.