Letting go…Taking Back
I can remember it clearly in my mind; our wedding day.
The image of her smile at me when she walked down the aisle, covered from head to toe, in a silken fabric of pure white. It was like a silhouette of snow and her hair, in its dark color corresponded like a river of night time. I could feel my heart beat faster and faster with each step she took.
She was nervous, I could tell. But through it all, a smile was painted on her face as her arm was linked tightly around her father's as he led her to me with a broad smile across his face.
While standing there, feeling nervous myself, my mind raced through the events of past.
It felt like only yesterday, when I found her standing at the same rail where we first met, staring into the cool night sky, dressed in a deep scarlet yukata, hair pinned up except the strands that framed her porcelain face.
I remember approaching her, and then catching my breath when she turned and kissed me soundly, making me forget about the events of life. I knew she took the joy of teasing me that way.
Curse the heavens for giving me that only weakness.
When I finally pulled away from her trance, I looked at her with determined eyes, and I guessed I looked funny, because she laughed at me.
Trying my best to keep my serious face, I stared at her intently, muting her laughter.
Somehow when she asked me what was wrong, my heart suddenly felt like it was caught up in a fire again.
Breaking my previous plan completely, I pulled her into a passionate kiss. I could feel her tense up, but then relax into my hold, hands clutching onto my shirt.
Then, taking my chance, I whispered the words into her ears.
When I looked at her directly, I almost laughed at her expression.
November 15th. We became engaged.
~*~*~*~*~
I remember the semi-terror of the day I had to go and approach her father for her hand in marriage. Even though I still knew that the man was easy-going, I couldn't help feeling nervous.
Before I could knock on the door to the house, I was greeted by the man himself, his eyes shined with humor.
I nearly jumped with joy when he said I had his blessings to marry his daughter. Even after leaving to the park, my heart pumped with joy as I recalled his words.
"Boy, you are a good man. I trust you fully to take care of my little girl, so you better not fail me. God bless you…My son."
That night, I got home as quickly as I could, heart still pounding excitedly.
Opening the door to the small, yet decent apartment, a strong smell of smoke hit my face. I knew immediately that she had tried cooking.
Running into the kitchen, I found her trying to put out the burnt tofu hastily. A smirk crept to my face as I walked up on her, wrapping her into a loving hold.
I chuckled when I felt her jump in surprise as she muttered, "You almost made me drop the pan. What do you think would happen if…"
"We have your father's blessing."
~*~*~*~*~
2 year later, December 10th. We got married.
I could tell, when she was giving her oath, she was attempting to keep in her tears. Even now, she tries to keep strong, but like I predicted, she broke out into tears when the priest pronounced us Man and Wife.
I enveloped her into a loving hug, kissing her softly, feeling joyous tears coming to my eyes slowly.
~*~*~*~*~
1 year later, April 4th. Our first child was born.
It was during the beginnings of spring and we were walking in the park, hand in hand. I was content as I held her closer to me, one hand encircled around her waste, the other resting on her plump stomach, tracing gentle circles as I kissed her on the cheek.
Then just like that, she let out a yelp and stumbled into my arms.
Her water had broken.
The nervousness of getting her to the labor room and becoming a father were mixing together as I sped as fast as I could to the hospital.
Every now and then, I would glance over at her, one hand on the wheel, the other clutching hers tightly.
Once in the labor room, I felt my heart tear as I watched her scream out in pain as our child was being delivered.
Then there was MY pain as I felt most of my hand bones being crushed under her surprisingly strong hands.
After 9 hours of screaming, pushing, and breathing. The baby was delivered. It was a beautiful baby girl.
The doctor gave me the small pink bundle and I was immediately filled with warmth.
I turned around to my wife, ready to announce to her the good news, when I heard the doctor say the things that I never wished to hear.
I wouldn't hear it. I took her hand in mine tightly, eyes scampering her features as she breathed heavily. Her ebony hair was disheveled and her cheeks were pale of no color.
Then she opened her eyes, giving me just a bit of relief.
I'm guessing she had heard what the doctor said because she started to cry and yet, the smile that I love dearly was imprinted on her tired face.
"Take care of Yuko. Don't regret anything. Be a strong father for her. I love you both and I'll watch over you two every second of the day. Just promise you won't give up hope okay? I...I l-love…you…"
My eyes widened in fear as I saw hers fall close, her hand that had been clutching mine, fell limp.
I could feel my heart crack and break into a million pieces. Tears were cascading down my cheeks as I felt my world tumble down on me.
In the background, I could hear Yuko cry for her mother's warmth, but would never feel it.
For I moment I felt like ignoring her words. If this was the price to be paid, then I would rather have not wanted this than to lose the purpose of my life. But when I looked down into Yuko's small face, I saw so much of her in this petite form.
Ever since 9 months ago, there had been two purposes in my life, not one.
I would do this for her. I will be strong for the both of us. No matter what, I will keep my promise to her.
I will not lose hope.
~*~*~*~*~
6 years later, April 4th.
It's been six years now and I'm still doing my best to take care of Yuko.
She's become more of her mother than I expected. Even though she has my eyes and hair, her heart has nothing but her mother's strong and caring spirit.
Even when I don't show it, it pains me to celebrate her birthday every year without her mother. And I'm sure Yuko feels the same.
Somehow, Yuko knows speaking of her mother was a sensitive topic for me. And so, each year, when I ask her what she wants for her birthday, she asks me one question about her mother.
Even now, her sharp tuitions surprise me, and it brings a smile to my face whenever she acts that way.
~*~*~*~*~
5 years later.
Yuko is starting middle today. She's nervous. Probably from excitement and anxiousness, I can't tell which. But by her habit of playing with her necklace, she'll probably jump at anything.
The necklace that she wears was the same one that her mother wore after we were engaged. On it strung a dark steel colored ring, with the words, "Never Lose Hope" in scripted inside.
Yuko had found it while cleaning the house and asked me about it. And ever since then, she's never taken it off.
She looks over to me as we drove to school, eyes somewhat petrified.
"Daddy, do I have to go?" she asks.
I only chuckle as I held her hand gently. I told her the story of when I and her mother first started middle school and how much more petrified I was then than how she was now.
Yuko stared at me with big eyes as I told her it was her mother's rough punch that brought me out of that trance.
Telling her these kind of stories always calmed her down, and each time telling one story, brought a piece of joy and acceptance back into my heart.
As I let her out at the front of the school, she kept turning back each second step she took. I gave her an encouraging nod as she walked on. Each step she took became more confident. Soon she reached her group of friends and before entering the school, she turned around and gave me a thumbs up, smiling widely. And that's when another image of HER came into my mind.
As I watched our little girl walk into the school, I couldn't help but feel a little pull at my heart. It was a pained feeling of seeing Yuko grow up so fast. But even as much as I wanted to stop time from going, I knew that it would happen anyways, even without my permission.
~*~*~*~*~
3 years later.
We had our first fight today. And it was about an issue where I wish her mother were here to deal with instead of me.
I'm amazed her father didn't act like this when she told him about me, but I guess that's because we've known each other for so long.
I guessed that I overreacted a bit because immediately after I saw the boy, arm linked around Yuko, my stoic self-control blew in a minor of a second. You could say that my "fatherly instincts" were no where near tamed.
When the boy left, she snapped at me for the first time in her life. She asked me, or more as screamed at me, for the reason of why I did that.
All the years of trained patience snapped completely as I told her things that I never thought I'd tell her.
But then again, it's "fatherly-instincts".
We ended the conversation with her stomping up the stairs and slamming the door harshly.
I have to admit I was being childish when I just said something about 'no dinner' that night.
We didn't talk for a week after that. But when we did, it was one of my most heart-breaking moments.
Yuko had come home late that night. I was in the living room, sorting out some papers. Somehow it was a decent distraction for my increasing anger mixed with worry.
When I heard the door open, I felt a wave of concern diminish my anger. I looked up to see our daughter walking in. I'm guessing that she didn't realize I was there until she turned around.
I looked at her with concern, noticing the dried tear-stains on her cheeks as she tried to muster an excuse for being home late, but I cut her off short.
"What's wrong?"
She hesitated before saying, "I'm fine" then ran up the stairs quickly.
I took a minute to decide what to do next, then standing up; I walked up the stairs and to her room. When I approached the door, hand ready to knock, I heard soft muffling.
When hearing that, I completely ignored my gentleman-like behavior and followed my fatherly motives and opened the door.
She was kneeling next to her bed, head in her tucked up knees, hands wrapped around her figure.
Seeing her like that, made me feel protective 10 times more.
When she realized I was there, she looked at me with surprise, new tears streaming down her face. I didn't say anything as she ran into my out-stretched arms.
That night, I held her tightly as she washed all her sadness away. Neither of us said anything. Holding her made me remember the first time she cried after falling off her bike.
I let out a sigh as I gently slip away from her and step out the room.
The events of life will defiantly get tougher as time goes on.
Moments like these, I wish you were here, because right now, even I feel helpless to her needs.
~*~*~*~*~
2 years later.
I met Taiken Ryuu today.
After Yuko had left for college after graduating, I received a call from her, saying that she was coming home and she was bringing someone with her.
To say, I had a feeling it was a boy. And like every father, my first approach to the boy was a guarded greeting. But after talking to the boy and watching how he treats Yuko, my wary mode went down and I began opening up to him.
Although I will say that the amount of time that they've known each other is still a bit short, I couldn't say no when Ryuu pulled me to the side and asked me for my blessing.
Of course, I gave him a warning first, but after wards, I let him off easy, giving him my full blessing.
I stood at the kitchen entry-way as I watched him purpose to her. A smile crept on as I saw her jump with joy and him twirling her around, both laughing full-heartedly.
Just like we were…
I wish you were here now, I'm sure her mother would go off on the boy more openly than I would, but still be happy for Yuko. I'm sure she would've wanted that too.
Her mother would've been so proud of the woman her daughter had become.
~*~*~*~*~
30 years later, December 10th, our anniversary.
It's been a while now since our wedding day and now I'm getting into my seventies.
Yuko is now happily married with the man she loves, and surprisingly I found myself acknowledging him rather quickly. Maybe it is because I see myself in him as well.
The look they give each other when they aren't aware of others around them, brings this sense of familiarity too me. It could be said that I'm jealous of them, but I say it's rather natural.
All in all, I am happy for them. Ryuu is a good young man and I can see that Yuko is quite content with him.
By the way, she's pregnant with twins. A boy and a girl this time; her first daughter she named after her mother, and I can tell why. She looks exactly like her. It brings joy to my heart that I know our daughter is happy.
Now as I stand here at the rail where we first met, I find that I am finally content.
I have done the best I can to fulfill my promise to her and hopefully she is happy with that. All I have left is to wait until the day when God takes me to join her in heaven.
That is all I wish for.
Watching the sun now as it sets beyond the horizon, I am filled with nothing but satisfaction.
I have lived a good life, even with its fortunate and unfortunate events, I regret nothing.
Meeting the woman of my dreams, getting married to her, seeing our daughter being born, losing that woman, living through hard years, keeping a strong heart, and doing my best to fulfill my promise…nothing went to waste.
I end this letter here as the sun is now under the horizon.
Just as an old life ends…a new will begin.
~*~*~*~*~