When you die, that's the end. Your past, your present, your future, your dreams, your aspirations, everything dies with you. The people may mourn for you for a while, but eventually the threads binding you to them will thin, until the threads snap and they move on. Life goes on. When you die you are eventually forgotten, the promises that existed between you turned to dust. Cold? Unfair? Perhaps; I guess that depends on your perception – but that is how the world works. However, anime is not like real life. It's my headcanon that Lisa never got together with or married anyone after the end, choosing to remain faithful to Twelve even after he died.
A white light bursts forth in front of her eyes, like the sun exploding before her. The light fills her sight in every direction, pouring into her until she can hear it, smell it, taste it. She draws a breath, and finds it to shake. The light is everywhere, yet there is not a hint of warmth in her body. Like the life, it drains out of her body, until she feels like she's encased in ice, and as she closes her eyes, the light grows blinding instead of the smooth darkness of sleep.
On the starlit stage we'll be cloud dancing in heaven
I'll kiss and taste all of you
Then she stiffens, and a strange heat fills her, as if flames have swallowed her. For a moment she wonders if she's in hell, but no, the heat isn't painful. It's almost… comforting, in a frightening way. The ache in her chest, where her heart had once been before it died, the ache she'd carried inside her her entire life, the brokenness, pain that made every breath a challenge as she wiped her tears and put on a smile that was so fake people almost noticed, the ache that pulsed in her chest, that throbbed with every breath she took… The heat seems to press down upon that ache, press down until she feels like every inch of her skin in being struck by lightning.
When we die we will be lovers in heaven
Join me in death my old love
The heat thaws her frozen body, the ice that she has spent an entire lifetime trapped inside, the cold mask she wore over her tears, the cloak of I'm okay she drew over her defeated, shaking body…
On the starlit stage we'll be cloud dancing in heaven
I kneel for you from above
Then, once again, she feels air in her lungs, and she draws a breath as if for the first time in her life. A strange force that previously seemed to hold her up in the sky among the stars now sets her down, and she feels the cushion of grass against her skin. It's a feeling she hasn't experienced in ten years… She hasn't walked in ten years, and now she feels the grass against her legs, her arms hugging herself with strength she hadn't had in over half a century, inhaling and exhaling like she no longer should be able to.
She opens her eyes, blinking slowly. She wants to stay sitting there, in the wind upon the grass, breathing the cool, pleasant air because it makes her forget the fact she'll never see him again, but she knows she has to eventually. Her eyes open, and for a second she thinks she's blind, but there's colors in her vision, colors vivid and bright as she hasn't seen in thirty years. Her mouth opens slightly, and she slowly releases her grip on her arms. Her head bowed, she brings her hand before her eyes.
She gasps softly. Her skin is smooth, her fingers long and supple, not a single hair on her hand. Her nails are manicured, polished, perfect… She hasn't had hands like this in seventy years.
A thought both exhilarating and frightening occurring to her, her hands fly to her face, and she gasps, almost yelps. Her skin, her hair… Her body's like it was when she was seventeen, her strength, her vigor, her energy like it had been then.
Her heart pounding, she leaps to her feet. She looks at her arms, clenches her fists, bounces on her toes experimentally a couple times. There's no mistake about it… She knows she died, and now she's here.
She finally raises her eyes to look in front of her. What she had been expecting she did not know. Surely the white walls of the hospital she'd been living in for the past year?
Instead she's standing in a windy and slightly uneven field of flowers. There are no trees around her for a mile or so, but it's so clear she can see well into the distance. She's standing on top of a small hill, no more than five feet tall, and so wide there's no steepness to it. The sun shines bright overhead, and she's sure there's butterflies among the yellow flowers that cover the field. It's a spring scene she hasn't experienced in so long she can't remember anymore.
But she doesn't notice that. How can she notice anything, when there he stands in front of her, his hair as unkempt, his smile as carefree as ever? In her long, long life, there's many things she's forgotten, many faces, many names, many memories, but she never forgot him. No, he was in the front of her mind every day, until all she heard was him, all the saw was him, all she tasted was him, all she experienced was him, and now there he stands right in front of her.
"Yo," he says.
It's his voice, she thinks, that becomes that last straw, and she raises trembling hands to cover her mouth. Her vision blurs, and tears find their way out of her eyes and down her face. She cannot register he's there, cannot let herself hope. Too many times has she dreamed of him and thought he's actually there – too many times has she hallucinated, and every single time it's more painful. Life goes on, they say. You need to move on, they told her, but for her it seemed as if the world froze when the bullet pierced his body, and it hasn't moved forward since. Remember us. Remember that we lived. How could she ever forget, when she'd had no purpose, no place, before she'd met them, before he'd come to her on a motorcycle and literally swept her off her feet?
Then she feels the breath knocked out of her in a gasp, and her eyes widen, because she's suddenly in his arms, and it's like she never left. His arms, her favorite place in the world, a place that carry the genuine promise of It's going to be okay. She's in his arms again, and suddenly she feels like she can drop the walls she's built around herself, and suddenly she feels like she can let it all go, the pain of a lifetime. She releases the knot inside her chest, and she collapses, but she can't collapse because he's holding her, because he doesn't let her go, and so she doesn't fall, but she falls forward in his arms.
She weeps her heart out. She weeps the pain of a lifetime out. She screams until her throat is raw, but somehow it all blends together as the ache in her heart slowly lessens because she's in his arms. She doesn't know for how long he holds her, but she knows time doesn't matter in this place, that in this existence she can be with him for as long as she wants, that there's nothing to separate them.
He speaks. There's so much she wants to tell him, so much she needs to tell him, so much she needs to talk about, but she can't find her voice, so he speaks. He speaks so it's easier for her. He makes it easier for her. He takes her pain away like he always used to. Yes, how could she ever have thought for a moment he'd abandon her?
"Ninety-two years, eh?" he says. "And you never married?"
She doesn't reply and he pulls back, but doesn't stay away. Her head is bowed. She doesn't meet his eyes, her gaze averted, but he's standing in front of her with that same careless confidence that makes him so cool.
"I was watching you, you know."
"I dreamed about you," she blurts, suddenly, stupidly, raising her head suddenly.
He smiles sheepishly. "Yeah. I tried talking to you."
"You mean…" she says shyly, "you were actually there?"
He nods with a grin. "Couldn't have you forget me and run off with someone else, could I?" he jokes. She doesn't say anything.
He raises his hands, and caresses her face, his smile suddenly gone, his voice serious. "I've never met anyone like you," he says softly, earnestly.
She hugs him again, resting her head on his chest because the beat of his heart is the most soothing sound she's ever heard. "I didn't want to be separated from you," she says.
"You lived for ninety-two years, and you never so much as dated anyone else?"
She sniffs, and he laughs.
Burying his nose in her hair, because he loves the scent and he's missed it for so long, he says, "You're really something else."
"What's this place?"
He draws back then, and points behind him. "Everyone's here!" he says excitedly. "All the children from the Athena Plan! They're all here! They were here when Nine and I came. Well, I came before him, but it was almost at the same time. There's everything here! There's trees, and animals, and rivers and waterfalls. There's fish – well, we're dead; we don't need to eat anymore, but they do anyway."
"Where's Nine?"
He turns to her with a smirk that's trying to be mischievous but really only ends up being adorable. "He's living with Five."
"What?" she says. If she weren't having so much trouble wrapping her head around everything that's going on, she thinks she might have been a bit more surprised. As it is, she only feels numb.
"Yep. She's a crazy bitch, but she's always had a thing for him." He looks away, and his eyes acquire a distant look. "Now that they're free of the chains of the world, I think they're happy they can finally be together, happy they can finally do all the things they couldn't before because their fates were decided by someone else. I don't care much for Five, but I'm glad Nine's found happiness. This is a good place for that."
A horrible thought occurs to her. "Who do you live with?"
"Huh?" He looks back to her. His eyes twinkle, and her heart thunders. "Who, me?"
"Yes!"
He grins. "I'm living with…"
Her eyes widen, and for a second the air around her grows cold and she stares at him and the moment feels stretched into eternity. Then he laughs.
"Don't worry, I live alone," he says, and ruffles her hair. She releases a breath she did not know she'd been holding.
"Who else is here?"
"That's the thing, see. It's only the children from the Plan. How many people died since Nine and I came here till now? Not a single person came here. Shibazaki died. I saw you go to his funeral, but he didn't come here either."
"So… this is your place? Why did I come here then?" she says, almost shyly.
He looks at her with a wide smile. "Kimi wa nakama dakara," he says.
Because you're one of us.
She feels a warmth fill her heart, and she smiles too.
When we die, we will be lovers in heaven
Uncharted world, brave and new
She draws unconsciously closer to him then. He cups her face, and he's only an inch away. She can feel his ragged breath against her lips. They've waited for this. They've both waited so long.
"Twelve…" she says.
"Mhm?"
"I – " Her face heats up, but she cannot falter now. They're both dead. They can be together for eternity now. She needs to tell him. She needs to hear it back from him. "Twelve, I have something to tell you."
"What is it?"
She chews her lip.
"Tell me, Lisa. I've waited to hear you say it. Please…"
She draws a shaky breath, and tells him the one thing she wished for him to know her entire life. "I love you."
"I love you too," he says. "I've waited so long to be able to say this, to be able to hold you like this. And it feels so good. It feels so good to finally tell you the truth. I love you, Lisa. I love you so much."
Her eyes fill with tears, but he wipes them away with a shaking finger. "Let's always be together, 'kay?" she says.
"Yes… I'm never letting you go again."
She closes her eyes.
Tentatively, among the flowers of heaven, he kisses her.
I'm a straight guy - I'm not sure how I feel about using the word adorable to describe a guy, even if I am writing a girl's perspective. Huh.
The lyrics are from PelleK's song Cloud Dancers. I don't own anything or know him. I'm just a fan. If you haven't heard the song you need to. Just search it on YouTube. It's gonna be there. Seriously, do yourself a favor and listen.
I wrote this fic quickly, so it's not as good as I want. I love this anime, so I'll probably edit it little by little over a loong time. It's what I always do with my fics. But yeah, if you spotted any errors, I assure you it's typos, haha.
Review?
EDIT: Cringe. I'm not straight. I'm asexual. God. I hate myself right now. Why did I think I was straight when I had never had any interest in a girl in my entire life? But I was like sixteen and cringey. Also, I don't think I ever went back and proofread this. It's been almost two years. RIP. I could go delete that "I'm straight" line, but for my bullshit honor. I read the first paragraph – the italicized one – and I have to laugh. How naïve was I?