"P-please, go! I don't want to be the monster you think I am!" -Ken Kaneki
He wanted to die... he wanted to die, being loved by everyone. He wanted to die in style, so that everyone would remember him in a positive way... but the dream he yearned for remembered that sometimes, in despair, happiness can come in the most extraordinary of ways.
The dream still yet yearns for happiness... for the salvation for the boy wished for.
Tokyo Ghoul:reSURECCTION
Haise recalled the last time he felt himself in this much pain before. His body was being thrashed around like a ragdoll, his Kagune left in nothing but shambles, and his arm... fuck, he barely remembered having one. Every part of him was aching in pain, and he felt every hit as the Ghoul in front of him, Kanae he thinks he was called, and being tossed about. His kagune was unnatural, he had never seen one so... grotesque.
'I can barely stand right now...' he thought bitterly as he was able to avoid being swatted away, leaping back from being devoured by that monstrosity that emerged from the Ghoul's back. 'Hell, I can barely see... F-fuck...!'
His body was shaking, barely able to keep himself upright. He felt so damned heavy, and his eyes were drooping. No, he had to stay awake... if he closed his eyes, he would die. There was no doubt about that. If he hesitated, if he retreated... he'd die. He couldn't afford to die... not when... not when...
"Can you even fight in your state?"
The boy's voice echoed out to him as Kanae rammed his Kagune into him. His body crashed straight into the wall, the structure cumbling from the impact, causing him to fall through into another room. He gasped in pain, blood dribbling down the corner of his mouth and down the side of his face. His vision was blurry. He could have sworn he saw a red cage above him... was he hallucinating again? It was happening a lot lately, given how the boy would always stand so close to him.
The white-haired child was standing nearby, his knees at his chest, and his hands atop his legs, keeping them close. He had that blank stare again, that cold, expressionless face. He craned his neck to look at him, despite how much pain he was in. The room was... odd, and vaguely familiar. It was much larger than he thought it would be, circular in form with black and white checkered pattern floor. What disturbed him the most about this place was the bloody stains on the floor, and the bits of flesh that covered it. Where the hell was this place? And... god, what is that disgusting smell?!
"This was where I realized something, you know." the boy said, looking up, a look of reminiscence on his face. "I never really did have fond memories of this place... but it was someplace important to me." He looked at Haise. For a moment, he could have sworn the boy's left eye turned red for a few seconds. "It's where I stopped being human."
Haise wanted to say something, but his voice was so weak, and his throat... christ, it hurts! His stump was irritated, leaving only flaring pain He gripped it tightly as he rolled over on his stomach, left on his knees and elbow. He was gasping for air, breathing heavily while droplets of blood and sweat fell to the floor. The beatings in his skull continued to writhe around angrily, and he his teeth clenched together tightly, right to the point where his molars threatened to crack and break apart.
"Hey... shithead," the boy addressed him coldly, his gaze just as dark. "You remember now... don't you?"
The memory was there, locked away tightly in the back of his head. He ignored it, he always had, but it remained there, lingering in shadows, ever since the Auction Raid... ever since he had looked the boy dead in the eyes that day. He refused to look at it, never give it the time of day. He wasn't sure why he refused to look at it... but, perhaps, it meant that he was terrified of learning what the memory was. Now, however... the memory was tired of waiting. It became unshackled, and invaded his mind in it's entirety.
The pain and suffering was horrible... Every time... every time she swung her fists down at him, he could feel his bones ready to break. The screams piercing his ears. That wild and tormented look on her face. The sickening smile on his mouth as he cupped his chin, spouting lies that the woman wanted to hear him say. Haise threw his head back, screaming in pain as he clutched his head, crimson tears falling from his left eye, flowing through the digits on his face. "We should have died that day," the boy said, giving him a cold glare as he fell back to the ground, shuddering and wincing and shaking in pain, the memory still playing out in his mind, over and over and over... "We should have died. We were beaten by the people we loved most..."
Haise looked at his face, still shuddering from the pain. The white-haired child had adopted a small smile. "I was happy, for once... Back at that underground place. Do you know why?" He knew. The memory was there as well. In fact, it was the only memory he had since waking up to this life, the life of an Investigator. A field of white flowers, some stained crimson red. And in the center of this beautiful field, was the one who he admired the most, the man he respected, the man who was responsible for giving him a life here. "I was able to meet the Reaper!" It seemed sickening to see that deranged smile on his face. He wasn't sure why he felt that way... but he knew it shouldn't have been there. "And just like the maggot mommy was, I was..." Then, the smile vanished, much to his relief. A look of disappointment crossed his features, a small pout forming on his lips. "But I screwed up... We didn't die."
...was that it? Was that the reason he felt this apprehension? "D-did you..." he managed to say in a choked voice, slowly finding strength in his legs, ignoring the cries of pain as he stood up, holding the stump that was his arm. "Want to... die?"
"Yes. Definitely." the boy replied, smiling again. This time, it looked less sickening, and more... off-putting. "That's why I... This time, make sure that you do something that will make you loved by everyone!" He spread his arms out, as if making a gesture. "A good thing, a bad thing, it doesn't matter! And after that, you see... I..."
The grin had lost it's sickening visage. Now, it only looked... pitiful, for a lack of better words. "I want to die in style!"
...it was then that I realized something, the truth behind the existence between the two of us. I was... a sweet dream. Once the sleep falls from my eyes, and I begin to cry... it will all be over.
"Will that..." he found himself asking, uncertainty across his expression. "Be... your salvation?"
"Yes!" the boy, the reality of his dream, said, his grin growing.
Haise vaguely remembered something Arima had once told him before, long ago in the past. That there are several celebrations in the world, each with a different feeling of joy and cheerfulness... but one celebration was the greatest one could hope to have. It was morbid, but beautiful. Cold, yet warming. People dressed in black would gather around in a grand cathedral, while the guest of honor would already be there, lying and waiting, dressed in a fine suit with a peaceful expression. A funeral, it was known as simply. The grandest celebration one could have, the one place where those who loved the dead would mourn over them. In a way... he could see how the boy would wish for this celebration of that kind. If those who loved him dearly came to visit, then surely, he would be remembered fondly... he would be with the people who loved him, even if he could not see, nor feel them with him.
Just as he was about to speak, Haise noticed someone else standing in the room. Their back was turned, and so far away, but somehow, he could feel an emotion racked in his heart... warmth, longing, and... sadness? Grief? No... that wasn't it. What could it have been, he wondered? Slowly, the figured turned around.
His heart nearly stopped. A second had passed. A pregnant silence fell upon him. One second. Two, then three. Four seconds passed. Finally, he managed to smile somberly as he looked down at the child. He knelt, bringing himself to eye level. His hand gently fell on the mass of white hair atop his head, looking him in the eye.
"...you're lying."
*crack*
Shock came across the boy's features, his mouth left gaping open, eyes wide in bewilderment. "It might be true..." Haise spoke. "That death can make people around us love us in a way we would have never thought possible. But..." All around him, he could see them. Figures that stood all around them. One an old man with an old, wise face, and a gentle smile. Another was Tsukiyama, more well-groomed than he appeared when they met, and so much more colorful and lively. The third was Serpent, his brown hair messy, and his glasses hanging off his face, a smirk plastered on him. The fourth was Fueguchi, younger than she already was, standing with a woman who looked like an adult version of her, brown hair falling past her shoulders, both of them smiling brightly. The fifth was the waitress at :re, her cold blue hair framing her beautiful face and hiding her right eye, a small smile left on her lips. The sixth was a tall man dressed in a familiar gray suit, his hair cut short, and his blue eyes sharp, giving only a curt, approving nod. The seventh was a boy with a giant grin plastered across his face, his headphones hanging off his neck while his arms were behind his head.
The last of them stayed where he was, a smile on his face.
...Somewhere along the way, I mistakenly began to desire once again.
*crack*
[Insert Song - "Higorigoto Lonelyna" by ONE OK ROCK]
But... is it wrong to be selfish, just once? To want something?
"Even if we we're loved... they'd be sad we were gone." Haise said. "That's why... This time, I..."
The boy looked at him, surprise still present. Haise's breath shuddered before he took a calming breath, sucking in the air before exhaling heavily. He looked at the boy's eyes once again. His left eye was overcome by a charcoal color, and his iris became stained with red. The boy's words echoed in his ears... the one thing that allowed him to desire, even still.
"I'd be sad if you died."
"I will... save you."
*crack*
The words caused a tear to fall from the boy's face. Finally, the world shattered all around him, falling apart into mere pieces. The boy was gone as well, leaving only Haise by himself. He slowly stood back up, a gentle breeze passing through him. All around him were red flowers, disgustingly so, crowding all around him. Slowly, however, the red taint dripped to the ground, fading away to reveal only a beautiful, pristine white. Haise once again breathed in deep, and exhaled, closing his eyes as he looked up, seeing a beautiful azure sky above him. His hair flapped around comically in the breeze, even as what little remained of his white hair was taken over by the darkened luster. He recalled a memory from a long time ago, buried so deeply that he had almost forgotten about it.
A smile formed on his face as he opened eyes, revealing the Kakugan that he once feared and despised.
That's right... I... Still want to dream, if it's only for a little while. I remember what I used to dream of when I was awake. My name... The name given to me when I was born... It was... Haise Sasaki?
...no, that wasn't my name. My name... My name is...
"I will... save you," the black haired boy whispered as the white world around him faded, revealing only the world so twisted and manged by the actions of many. He smelled the acrid, putrid scent of blood flooding into his nostrils, and the familiar explosions that shook the building with every boom. "Ken Kaneki."
My dream isn't over... Not by a long shot.
-Chapter END (1) Ashes, Ashes, We All Fall Down-