"Goodbye Christian."
That was it, my final goodbye. Usually farewells are supposed to be cathartic, but this sense of relief, I suppose, has been stripped away by each cruel action bestowed onto me. Although this will be the last time I ever see the structured jaw that I trailed delicately with my finger tips in the mornings and the long, straight nose that was molded between my neck and ear, the memory of his hands will forever stay with me. No matter the distance between us, I'll still feel the ghostly sense of a finger running up the curve of my spine and again I will dive into the same consciousness. Passion consumes and that's what we did; consuming all of each other until there was two haunted figures facing eye to eye like strangers. The cruel coldness of his isolation poured onto the fire that we built like a storm in the summer and I couldn't handle feeling the bite of the wind. Alas, it was my fault, I asked to dance in his freezing shower.
I enter my old apartment and for this first time it feels empty, as though I'm standing in the skeleton of the past that I once enjoyed. A time when the simplicity of life felt the most gratifying, but that was before complexity made me feel alive.
"ANA!" Startled,I turn towards to front door to see the thankful sight of Kate with a huge grin on her face. "What are you doing here? I thought you and Mr Moneybags had you locked away for the weekend." I flinch at the reference to Christian, as the reminder of the clean up and explanations I will have to do. Will he bother explaining to his family, or will I be like the others and never discussed after termination? "Oh, I wasn't feeling too well so i decided to come home. I don't really want to talk about it." Kate seems to study my face for a little too long, but taking my hint decides to not push the subject, obviously my tear stained cheeks were enough of a clue. Maybe coming back here wasn't the best idea. Suddenly the fleeting thought of leaving crosses my mind, but I squash that thought. For now. "Well seeming as you're not feeling too good..." she eyes me suspiciously "you should watch Me Before You with me".
We spent the whole afternoon watching the same old movies where the boy is pushes girl away but end up happily ever after. This only distilled my bitterness towards Christian for not providing me with a happily ever after, or an ending where he felt that only having me was enough. These daydreams and alternative endings to a story that has already came to a heart wrenching, depression conclusion keeps me from sleeping. Deciding that sleep wasn't going to be my ally tonight, I glance around my bedroom; still looking the same old mundane room with it's pastel colored walls and rickety bookcases. Something was wrong. Walls were closing in, air became tight, my body became too warm and I fled my bedroom rushing for the front door. Running all the way down to the outside and gulping lung fulls of fresh air did my heat rate cease to beat at an agonizingly fast rate.
Sitting on the sidewalk at 3am in my sweats was an all time low. I was completely ruined and unable to function the same way as I did just yesterday. Yesterday. Only 24 hours felt like 24 years, so much had changed and I had no control over it. Is this what he felt like when he couldn't keep a grasp on his all too precious control? Completely broken? Now to some extent I understand his actions in that room, it's fear that drives a person to insanity. Christian is afraid of changing and I'm afraid of staying the same.
Catching my breath, I storm to my room once more. However this time determined and stronger than when I fled. This time I had a plan. Grabbing the suitcase from on top of my closet, I stuff the majority of the simple closet I have left; I can buy new with the money from Wanda. Nothing is keeping me here anymore, Kate will understand that I can no longer stay in a place where the ghost of Ana Steele haunts me. Quickly I scribble a note of goodbye and head for the door to begin a new.