I walk into the bedroom to get ready for bed. I light the candle by my bed to freshen the air in the room. The fight with Emma leaves me pissed off. She always thinks she's right, and has to prove her point. Can't she understand that we are allowed to have different opinions and still be right? I get ready for bed with just the lamp by the bedside on. The moon is full tonight, so gives me plenty of light to see. I pull the covers back to lay down, but instead just sit on the edge of the bed. As much as Emma irritates the shit out of me, it doesn't effect how much I love her. She's still my whole world, even though I don't want to admit that to her right now. I really want her to apologize first, even though I find it hard to believe she would. The words that come out of her mouth when she's angry hurt me the most. They echo through my very soul, piercing my heart each time. As I turn to lay down, the moon outside the window catches my eye. It really is gorgeous tonight. It makes me wonder if the moon affects our moods and irritability. I lay down, looking to the ceiling. In desperation, I pray to the God I'm not sure even exists. First, for me and my anger. I know I say a lot of things when I'm angry I don't necessarily mean. That's the main problem with fights. She says something hurtful, I respond in hurt. It's a cycle near-impossible to break. It's the ones we love that hurt us the most. Then, I pray for Emma. Not only for her to realize we can have different opinions, but also that any hurt I cause her can be healed. I would never intentionally hurt her. I blow out the candle and roll over as I hear her open the door to come in.
I walk in to see Regina already in bed, presumably almost asleep. All the better, I really didn't want to talk to her right now anyway. I know we both need time to cool off. Nice of her to leave the lamp by the bedside on for me, even though the moon gives adequate lighting. I love the smell of the freshly burnt candle. It's the reason I love most about her always burning a candle before bed. I sit at the desk, trying to write out what I want to say to Regina. I always get words out better by writing than speaking. Especially when the speaking is by yelling at each other in anger. All I can really form into words is "My dear Regina, I'm really sorry." then the words just escape me. I am really sorry for so many things, but yet I can't think of a single one to put on the paper. The one statement of being sorry really encompasses the entire thing, but doesn't have the effect of specifying what I'm sorry for. I set the pen down, hoping a good night's sleep will clear my mind. I'm sure we can talk about it in the morning. As I sit on the bed, I feel her moving a little to get comfortable. I start to open my mouth to apologize, but decide instead to wait. She may already be asleep. I glance down at the night stand. There's the clock, always stuck on 12:34. One of these days, I'm going to have to fix that. It just never seems important, since we always have our phones on us. Next to the clock lays the dusty Bible my dad gave me on our wedding day. I should really use that, too. I slowly run my fingers over the picture of Regina and I on the day we got married. Such a blissful day. Nothing went wrong that day, even though it's often said that something will always go wrong.
As I lay in bed staring at the moon, thoughts roll through my head. How open-minded Regina is. How lucky I am to have her. How I see the hurt in her eyes.
Even though Emma lays a couple feet away from me, it feels like a bigger gap in between us. The words spoken in anger hang over our bed like a disease. I start to form an apology in my head, wanting to get rid of this empty feeling. I'm just not sure if I should, because it may ignite another fight. I lay there silently, with the thoughts rolling through my head. Being the first to apologize is always the hardest.
With the guilt and loneliness filling my soul, I think about our wedding night. Though it wasn't the first time for either of us, it was the first as a married couple. We were both so nervous. We didn't last long in the awkward stage. The loneliness is too much to bear. I start to turn over to look at Regina.
I feel Emma moving around on her side of the bed, and I turn to apologize.
At the same time, we say….
I'm sorry!
And we fall asleep holding each other.