this was also posted on my ao3 account. please go over there to read more like this. i will no longer be posting on this website
Even in the darkness, Iwaizumi can still see Oikawa's tear-stained face as the older boy slammed the door in his face. Even through the sounds of volleyballs hitting the gym floors and his teammates cheering, Iwaizumi can still hear the sound of Oikawa's broken voice over the phone when he called to tell Iwa-chan goodbye. Even with his eyes closed, Iwaizumi can still picture the sight of Oikawa lying lifeless in the casket.
Oikawa Tooru was dead, and it was Iwaizumi Hajime's fault. He wasn't the one who physically killed him, but he can't help but feel that it was his words and actions that had wrapped around Oikawa's neck, not a rope. Nobody knew what had happened the night before Oikawa killed himself, except for Hajime. He knew that he would never forget that night or what it had caused.
The Saturday evening was colder than most, so Iwaizumi traded in his usual late night run for a cup of warm tea and a movie. His father was away on business and his mother was already asleep, which meant that he had the house to himself. Forty-five minutes into the movie, Iwaizumi had to pause it to answer the door. When he opened it, he was greeted by an out of breath Oikawa. His cheeks were pink and he smelled horribly of cheap alcohol.
"Trashykawa, why are you here? And why do you smell like beer?"
"Iwa-chan, I have to tell you something. It really couldn't wait, so I left in the middle of a party to tell you."
"Get on with it already! I don't have all night."
"Iwa-chan, I'll be going away soon. Before I leave, I need to tell you that I love you." Tears began to pool in the corner of Oikawa's eyes. Iwaizumi wasn't quite sure what Oikawa meant by going away, so he assumed that the younger boy meant college.
"Trashykawa, go home. You're drunk and have no idea what you're saying." Before any other words could be said, Iwaizumi slammed the door shut.
The next day, Iwaizumi went on an early morning run to make up for the one he skipped the night before. He left his phone in his bedroom since he didn't think anyone would call. When he came home, he didn't bother to look at his phone before getting into the shower.
As every hour passed, there was another excuse for Iwaizumi to ignore his phone. He had heard it ring, but dismissed the call when he saw it was from Oikawa. He figured it was just going to be him ranting on about last night.
As the day came to an end, Iwaizumi forgot about the call from Oikawa. He saw the little notification that he had left a voicemail, but whatever Trashykawa had to say could wait until tomorrow at school.
Oikawa never came outside when Iwaizumi went to pick him up for school. He grumbled something about Oikawa inconveniencing him as he went to knock on the front door. His mother opened the door red faced with tears in her eyes. When she saw Iwaizumi, she began to cry harder.
"Tooru won't be at school, ever. He's gone." She choked out the last two words before slamming the door shut. Iwaizumi wasn't sure how to respond. He pulled his phone out and listened to the voicemail Oikawa had left for him.
"Hey, Iwa-chan, it's Tooru. I know I was drunk when I talked to you yesterday, but I really do mean what I said. Obviously you don't feel the same, but I understand. I haven't done anything except hold you back, so why would you ever love me?" Iwaizumi could hear the pain in Oikawa's voice.
"I just called to tell you goodbye. I told you I would be going away, and today is my last day here. I was hoping you would answer so I could hear your voice once last time, but you're probably really busy. That's okay, though; I hope you enjoyed doing whatever you were doing. I'm going to miss your smile so much, Iwa-chan. I'm going to miss you like crazy. I have to go now. Goodbye, Iwa-chan. I love you."
Iwaizumi almost didn't attend the funeral. He didn't want to see his best friend lying dead in a casket, but he knew that he had to. It was his fault that Oikawa was dead. That was the only thing he could think throughout the entire service.
"If I had answered his phone call, he might still be here."
"If I had only been less selfish, he might still be here."
"If I had told him what he meant to me, he just might still be here."
Iwaizumi knew that he couldn't stop going to school, but he didn't have the energy for it. His walks to school were lonely and boring, and the school day seemed to drag on forever. He was so unfocused during volleyball practice that he missed the ball every single time. It's not that Yahaba is a bad setter; it just didn't feel the same to Iwaizumi.
Instead of going home after practice, Iwaizumi went to the graveyard where Oikawa was buried. He sat in front of the gravestone and looked up at the sky.
"Hey, Shittykawa, the sky looks beautiful tonight. I wish you were here to see it with me. I'm not sure if you can hear me, but there's something I need to tell you. Nothing is the same without you. School sucks and I can barely play volleyball without you setting for me. Yahaba is good, but you were better. Looking at the stars will never be the same either. Every time I see the stars, I think of you.
"I can't do anything without thinking of you, Shittykawa. You were such a big part of my life, and you had to go and die? I read the letter you left; why didn't you tell me that you hated yourself? I would have helped you, dumbass. You know, everyone misses you. Your parents, kids at school, those guys from Karasuno…" Iwaizumi wiped away the tears that had begun to roll down his cheeks.
"I really fucking miss you, Tooru. I hate to admit it, but I'm a mess without you. It's only been a few days, but it feels like it's been years. I miss your stupid smile and your stupid hair and your stupid eyes. Shit, I don't know what I'm saying. I'm not even sure if you can hear me. If you can, just know that I really miss you."
As Iwaizumi grabbed his bag and left, a shooting star flew over his head. Every time he would go visit Oikawa's grave, another shooting star would pass. Iwaizumi never noticed. Somewhere, Oikawa was out there smiling, and Iwaizumi knew that much. He never got full closure, and it certainly never hurt any less, but he knew that Oikawa was happy wherever he was and that made Iwaizumi happy.