For want of the wrong continent
I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!
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ATTENTION EVERYONE! I'll be briefly breaking my Hiatus and having a Halloween contest. I'll be posting Halloween themed stories, horror themed, or one's that end with a cliff-hanger! The story that gets the most reviews, will be the one I update on Halloween!(and maybe a few other surprises. heh. heh.)
And don't forget to check out my new "Shake Up the Falls" Challenge!
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Slenderman looked through his files for ideas... "Let's see...Steven Universe? No...Wander over Yonder? Nah... Invader Zim?...Eh. Maybe...Ah! Here we go! Wild Wild West! I haven't mixed THAT up with Gravity Falls yet!"
Then Slenderman grew contemplative. "Hmmm...this is gonna take some 'creativity'..."
…1492, Atlantic Ocean...
"So in conclusion! Give up this 'route to china' nonsense! Head that way instead! A greater prize awaits! You'll know your going the right way...as fish will jump into your ship and manna will rain from the sky!"
The Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria cheered as the Angle showed them their new course...
When they were gone...Slenderman tore off his disguise... "Suckers..." Said Slenderman with a smile as he went to give all the indigenous tribes of the Americas immunity to European diseases...
…a few months later, on the eastern shores of North America...
Okay...according to the map the angle gave us...we need to find a cave that looks like an eagle...go in...and keep going straight until we find a stone containing the sword that shall belong to the man who shall rule this land...We will then be in the land 'where gravity falls'...whatever that means...
Thought Christopher Columbus as he and his men walked to the cave that Slenderman had enchanted to teleport all who enter to the place where Gravity Falls(in most universes) would one day stand.
…...
It is written that Columbus and his crew found all that the Angle had promised. They found the sword...all tried to lift it...all failed.
But they did not despair...for they also found a land filled with milk and honey(their were in actual trees just waiting to be plucked!)!
They also found great gobs of gold, silver, jewels, and platinum(which seemed useless, yet the Angle had insisted that one day it would be valuable...so they treated it as such).
But they also found...madness...magic...and monsters...
…...
Columbus screamed as he was attacked by a floating eyeball and flown away-
ZAP!
Only for it to be hit by lightning! Columbus was surprised both by being saved...and by how...one of his closest advisers...Archibald Pines...had just struck the creature down with lightning!
…...
As it turns out; Archibald was part of a family of secret mystics...the crew was torn...on the one hand; Archibald was well liked(if a bit odd). More importantly, he'd just saved all their lives. On the other hand...he dabbled in magic..and by the law of both their king and religion...they were honor bound to burn him...
Fortunately, the matter was resolved quickly...
…...
"A heavenly pardon?" Asked Christopher Columbus as he examined the breathtakingly beautiful and seemingly indestructible piece of parchment. The 'Angle' nodded. "Yes, Archibald and his family are crucial to you and your country taming this land in the name of the lord! Henceforth; Archibald, his family, his friends/allies, and students are hereby free to study magic without consequence!"
And with that...the angle vanished once more...
All was quite...the Columbus just shrugged. "Good enough for me!..."
…...
Slenderman worked to warp time to speed up the life of one Hernán Cortés...
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By the time of our lord; 1495...the combined efforts of Columbus and Archibald had cemented a permenant Spanish establishment in Gravity Falls...sadly, they were still molested by both monster and hostile indigenous tribe...especially by the warlike 'Blind-eye Tribe'. Who worshiped 'Cipher the one true Bill'.
By this time; Archibald had his family and all their fellow practioners and researchers move to Gravity Falls where Columbus promised them safe haven.
Meanwhile, more and more expeditions or entradas came through to fortify colonies on both sides of the cave...or t'he gateway of the divine' as it was now being called.
More importantly, many were coming to pull the sword from the stone. To claim god-given kingship of the land...the graet catholic church tried...and failed... Our great King Ferdinand II and the rest of the royal family tried...but also failed...many more tried...None suceeded...and then came Hernán Cortés...
...
Cortes could hardly believe it! The sword was coming free in his hands! Everyone around him gasped in amazement as he pulled it from the stone!
Cortes suddenly burst into glorious golden flames! Cortes heard people screaming...but he was fine! In fact...he feel better than he ever had! He felt great power flowing through him!
When it was over...a strange inscription written in latin had appeared on the stone...
From this day forth: Hernán Cortés is dead, he has been reborn from the holy fire as Cortes Northwest! The one true king of this land! The symobl on your sword shall be the new symbol of your family.
And when the one who bears the mark of the Great Bear, joins with the great Freeze and the liama...your successor he will be...
Cortes considers these words with confusion...especially since the symbol on the sword was that of a liama...
...
And so the newly dubbed kingof the Americas set forth to conquer the lands he'd been promised. The soon to be legendary sword of Cortes; proved to be indestructible, could slice through even diamonds, a single prick would kill his enemies(and only his enemies) within the hour.
But that wasn't the swords only gift...it also gave Cortes inhuman strength, invincible from most harm and able to summon lightning and fire down on enemy armies.
With this power; Cortes conquered and subjugated many of the tribes of this land. However..it was quickly learnd that the sword only protected him from non-magical harm...the magic of the natives could still kill him.
Under the advice of Archibald Pines, the spanish began to capture or bargain with the native wizards...this allowed them to counter the natives magic...
Archibald also advised that they set up Cortes as a god(before later converting them to their faith of course); to win the hearts and minds of the natives...he also pointed out that the spaniards were the vast, vast, vast minority in this land. And that assimilation rather than outright subjugation and oppresion may ensure long-term peace in this land.
Cortes sees the knowledge in Archibalds words, and makes him his top advisor. He goes on to convert or bargain with dozens of tribes. Convincing them to join the spanish empire peacfully with full rights of a spanish citizen.
Among the consequences of this decision; was the sharing of natives metallurgy secrets; strange steel that was twisted in ways that baffled spanish scholars..it would later be called Damascus Steel...which would later be called 'The founding of the field of nanotechnology'...
With the defeat of the Blind Eyes, Inca, and Aztec...the Spanish asserted their control over both continents. Following the instructions of the Angle, they dug in the placces he'd shown and found what he called 'oil'...it was a ghastly substance...but the angle had insisted on it's value..so they treated it as such...
Between the tolerance and study of magic, discovery of platinum, oil, and the strange unearthly vessel found beneath Gravity Falls...a golden age of invetion and industry abounded...
It was also around this time unfortunately, that the slavery of the various monster specise within Gravity Falls began...
It is eventually discovered that the sword also granted Cortes eternal youth and immortality...sadly the same could not be said for Archibald...who eventually passed on.
But despite this, the Northwest and Pines family remained good allies...
...
Slenderman warped time to speed up the lives surrounding the ill-fated Tudor monarch Dynasty...as well as the Anglo-Spanish war...
...1545 Great Britan...
Cortes watched silently as Queen Elizabeth was executed in front of the ruins of London.
England is ours...no thanks to that useless Philip!
Cortez had become greatly disillusioned by the current king of Spain. He launched this attack on England ahead of schedule against all advise to be patient and to give the armada more time to prepare.
An even greater insult was when his good friend; Marquis de santa cruz(the appointed naval leader of the armada) got deathly sick...not only did Philip not postpone the attack, but he had the nerve to try to replace his friend with an ARMY commander! The man had never even TRAVLED overseas, nevermind having the experience to command an armada!
Thankfully, the Pines family was able to whip up a special potion to heal Marquis...and just in time! The England attempted to launch a preemptive strike while the Armada was still docked!
Cortes couldn't help admire the ingenuity and audacity of the English...setting fir to your own ships to use as makeshift weapons...he'd have never thought of that himself!
Fortunately; between Marquis's leadership skills and Cortes's power(and reinforcements in the form of the new 'Steam-Boats')...they'd turned the tide and crushed the entire English Armada with minimal casualties...
Cortes found his mind drifting toward the words of his family. For awhile his 'Northwest' children, Grandchildren, and great grand children had been trying to take advantage of the large cult-like following he'd unintentionally created in the Americas...to declare independence.
Out of respect and loyalty to Ferdinand the 2nd and later Charles the 5th (but partially because a lot of them were becoming spoiled brats that made him ashamed of his own blood), he'd ignored them...but with that idiot Philip in charge...he was starting to wonder...
Cortes shook his head of such thoughts. Now is not the time for such thoughts...in any case...considering I was the one who snatched victory from the Jaws of defeat...Philip had better give me my fair share of this conquest...
…Elsewhere...
In the dark of the night...King Philip tossed and turned in his sleep...for many nights he'd been plagued by nightmares of his crown and kingdom being taken from him...and news of Cortes's conquest of England had only made them worse...
From nearby...an Invisible Slenderman watched...and (somehow)smiled...
…...
Shortly after England's surrender, it was added to the Spanish Empire. Cortes felt that because of his accomplishment, he should be awarded half of England.
Philip refused! He accused Cortes of plotting against him. Enraged by this slander against his character and years of loyalty to the crown..the 'talk' devolved into outright hostilities.
And thus began the Spanish Civil war...
…Gravity Falls, 1555...
Cortes sighed as he stared from the dining car of the inter-continental Steam engine's. Such a beautiful landscape...almost makes me forget the current situation...
He turns to his grandson Nathaniel. "Let me see if I have this straight...you commissioned the Jotunn(a powerful tribe of natives that specialize in frost magic)...one of our strongest allies...to build you a 'winter home'...and upon completion, you not only stiffed them of their payment...but had them ambushed and almost wiped out!?" He shouted enraged.
Nathaniel paled. "H-hold on! They were just savages! I'm your grandson! Surely-
Nathaniel didn't have time to finish...Cortes had tossed him out of the window of the moving train...but not before casting a spell to make sure he wouldn't be killed...he would be grievously injured however.
Cortes groans. How had things gotten so bad in his own family? He turned to the current head of The Pines family; Stanford Pines.
"I thank you for bringing this to my attention." Said Cortes. Ford nodded. "What are you going to do now?"
"It would seem that my family tree is in dire need of some 'pruning'...I'm going to ask around...see if any other members of the family has done something like this...as for the rest...they've been ridding off my coattails too long! I'm cutting them off! They want my riches...they'll have to earn them!"
Ford nodded. "What about the war? Also, what about the Jotunn?" Cortes groaned. Without him rallying the troops things would probably grind to a standstill.
He shakes his head. "This takes priority...the troops will just have to make do. As for the Jotunn...Send Nathaniel to them to be punished however he wants...they'll also need someone to help them get back on their feet...they'll probably not like my family to go anywhere near them right now..."
Ford puts a comforting hand on Cortes's shoulder. "Leave it to me...Our family will take care of them..."
…...
Okay...this, might be harder than I thought. Realized Ford as he looked over the Jotun that had just been dropped off in the new-fangled 'horseless carriages.'
One thing that would be a problem was their clothing traditions...they were so used to the icy Tundra, that the heat of this area drove them to strip down almost everything(and some didn't stop there).
One such Jotuun was a five year old Wendy Corduroy. She wore nothing save for a loincloth...and she'd snuck away from the group to explore this strange white mans house.
She climbs in through an open window...and finds herself in a little boys room. The sleeping boy seems to be three years younger than her. She goes over and lifts him out of bed to take a closer look.
She'd seen plenty of babies...given the recent...'disaster'...they'd been forced to enchant some of the younger girls to be able to 'nurse' due to so many children suddenly being without mothers.
Feeling curious...and mischievous...she lets this 'white' baby suckle off her...
And that's how Dipper Pines met Wendy...
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TO BE CONTINUED?
AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't.
But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas?
Love me, flame me, review me