Standard disclaimers. I do not own any characters but those of my invention.
Surviving is just the first challenge
Healing from a gunshot wound at the age of 76 is not an easy road. M is beginning to wonder if she should have given up the fight at Skyfall. Until she remembers the look of complete panic and loss on Bond's face as he held her.
Skyfall
Damn…If she gave in he would have blamed himself for the mess that she was to blame for. It was her fault not his but she knew as certainly as the sun rises in the East that Bond would wallow in her passing.
Instead of succumbing to the darkness that is clouding her vision she holds on to the sensation of cold wetness falling off his face to hers.
Was he crying? James Bond does not cry.
Why is he all wet?
The impudence of the man…late again…never where he's suppose to be…dripping wet and crying all over her. Where was he when she needed him? When Silva had her...was holding her…trying to make her shoot the both of them.
Silva couldn't pull the trigger in the end.
Silva hated her but could not kill her…he had always been confused by his feelings for her, never more so when he saw she was hurt. M had always thought he was too focused on her in the past...craving her favour.
M ignored the sexual innuendos that Silva flung at her, with a detachment that infuriated the man apparently. M's married and not interested in ruining her career for a casual shag with an employee.
Silva wants to romanticize their passing, like Romeo & Juliet but with the same bullet.
M never imagined that he had been that obsessed with her in the past but the years of abuse had tainted the relationship to something unrecognizable.
M pondered relationships from her past, husband, children, friends and employees.
Silva's flirtation, ignored twenty years in the past, became an all-encompassing obsession...damn it she never asked him to do what he did...it would not have happened if she had been a man...Silva wanted her...she chose to ignore it and look where it got her...
Silva knew once they had defeated most of his men that it was over for him. There was no escape but by death.
M's perception of life and death is shifting in the knowledge that she is about to pass beyond the veil. M is stubborn and refuses to cross that line...yet. There is still much to do.
M's blonde knight and his trusty squire saved the day in the end.
All of this scattered minutiae floated in the spots forming in her eyes.
It continues as men and women bustled around her...fixing her.
M refuses to close her eyes but she cannot see clearly... she does not want to go to sleep…she is scared of what sleep…death, may bring…she needs wake up to tell James that it is not his fault and that he has to go on for her.
MI6 can survive without her but the organization needed men like Bond.
Bond is the best at what he does, even with destructive political disasters left in his wake.
This time he had the decency to blow up his own bloody house and not a national monument.
This is different...This time M is the mission.
Bond kidnapped her believing he could keep her safe better than the army at their disposal back at base.
Arrogance to the extreme…M admired him all the more for it.
Yes, M would live if only to torment Bond and piss off that prig Mallory.
Ha…Bond would likely miss her more than her own children.
Proving that M is a better boss than mother…regrets begin to bubble up to the surface when your life is passing by before your mind's eye…too many regrets.
Drugs are tugging at M's consciousness.
Damn…the pain was reassuring...the pain meant she was still alive.
How much time has passed?
They're pumping fresh blood to replace the lost. Causing a warmth in her cold body. The change of scene is bringing the pain back to the forefront of her awareness.
More drugs take hold...controlling her mind and leading it down into a spiral of regrets, if only's and should have's...
M could still feel Bond holding her hand.
Months Later
M was getting use to Bond's unannounced visits.
They were not just after missions anymore.
Bond arrived at least twice a week with food, treats or flowers.
M laughs it off.
Thinking on it as a peace-offering for the bullet she took in Scotland.
It is the only way M can rationalize it. If not that...then what?
James Bond is damn well not paying court to a woman of her advancing years.
Bond realizes that they cannot be seen publicly together so the visits are decidedly nocturnal and M has long since given up on threatening him with death or firing.
When Bond is in her office at work he never gives her any sign that he intends to visit.
M barely stopped herself from asking him to bring Indian food next, right in front of Tanner and Moneypenny.
Sometimes they do not even talk but sit in comfortable silence eating and drinking. They move to the sofa and watch TV or play cards.
M did not realize how much she had missed her husband's presence in the house when she got home from work.
A couple of times a week Bond makes M forget her loneliness.
For all Bond's success as a ladies man M does not think he actually dates.
Maybe Bond picks up girls for a one-off or as the youth of today say a hook-up.
M decides that it is time to ask him about such things as the two of them are in some sort of therapeutic relationship…or friendship as it were.
As it stands Bond mixes up the days that he arrives but he is beginning to choose Saturday as one of his preferred evenings.
Bond brings films with him and stays a lot longer on these evenings. Bond stays into the wee hours of the morning.
Once, the two of them fell asleep on the sofa during the film. Bond managed to wake by 4am and picks M up and moves her to the bedroom.
How did that cheeky brat know which room was her's anyway? On second thought she does not want to know…it will only raise her blood pressure.
Bond realizes that M is pretending to sleep as he carries her to her bed. Bond can't help but linger as he covers her waiting for her to open her eyes and see him here in her room and letting him have it.
Bond attempts to wake her for acknowledgement so he leans down and kisses her brow.
M is just so shocked that she does not know what to do or say about the gesture.
Faking sleep seemed the most prudent option when you have a man like Bond carrying you to bed. Unless you intend to encourage his rakish behaviour that is.
M has no doubt that Bond would press an advantage a flirt his way into her bed on impulse...maybe his is curious about the physical aspects of sex with an older woman. It's not something that she would allow herself to give into.
Bond would be unbearably smug after climbing that particular mountain. M knows for a fact that the women of MI6 were that way in the past when they managed to seduce a male M...however they soon got transferred for their lack of propriety.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Bond's being sent on a long-term mission and will be gone for weeks to months. Once the briefing is over he nods his head at her as he readies to leave.
M picks up the pad of paper in front of her and holds it for him to see as Tanner and Moneypenny leave her office.
All it said was Italian and Bond smiles.
Knowing that Bond is going for a while M decided that it was time for the two of them to have a serious talk.
That Evening
Dinner is nice and as they cleaned the dishes together M begins an interrogation of sorts.
"Why are you spending you Saturday nights with me instead of finding entertainment with anyone else?"
Bond stops wiping the dish he is currently holding. "Why?"
"Yes, Bond why? It is not that difficult a question and it's likely a better conversation than me lecturing you all evening about getting killed or destroying things on the job."
"I think I would rather have the lecture ma'am."
"Now I am really intrigued Bond. I have felt fine and I don't need the protection anymore. You killed Silva and I don't think there are any other skeletons in my closet waiting to pounce. Although, you would likely know that better than I and you seem to know the way around this house better than my own children."
They moved into the living room with their wine and sat together on the sofa.
Bond gazes into his wine glass and speaks in a low whisper. "I almost lost you."
"But you didn't."
Bond snaps his head towards her and enunciates very clearly. "You are the most important person in my life and that is the end of this discussion."
M shakes her head side to side and sighed. "I know that I am a substitute mother to you Bond, but you really don't have to put your social life on hold for me."
Bond takes a sip of wine and looks at her intently.
"No."
M looks a tad perplexed at the monosyllabic answer.
"No what?"
"No…End of discussion."
M shrugs her shoulders and continues to drink her wine stretching her feet out to the coffee table in front of them wiggling her toes.
"Your feet hurt?"
"If you had to wear heels all day yours would too."
"Give them here."
M looks at Bond confused.
"Come on then, I'll rub them for you."
M arches her eyebrow at him and smirks while swinging her legs up on the sofa and resting her feet in Bond's lap.
In all these months since Skyfall, him dropping by a couple of times a week he has never made any move to touch her or invade her personal space before.
Only that time when he carried her asleep to her room. There has been the occasional accidental caress of the hand while cleaning up the dishes but nothing this….personal.
Maybe it's Bond's impending mission that is makes him want to do something nice for M. It feels very nice regardless of his reasoning.
M must have fell into a doze because the next thing she recalls is Bond changing the channel as the movie ends.
"I'm sorry James…I dozed off during the foot rub."
"No worries M. I was just enjoying watching you."
"Bond…what is going on…here, with you…why do you keep coming to check up on me?"
Bond frowns and looks at her a long while. M sees him gulp as he closes his eyes for a moment. For a minute she swears he is going to cry or something.
"James, what is it…has something happened?"
M is starting to get worried about the boy now.
"I…I …Just want to make sure your all right. I don't trust any of your bodyguards since Mitchell tried to shoot you…I thought it would make you feel less lonely since your husband died."
"James, none of these things are your concern. My bodyguard and driver have been thrice vetted and…well, the death of my husband was a natural occurrence. Yes, I do have moments of loneliness but I have work to keep me busy. As long as I have that work to focus on I will be just fine. You're a young man and have a life of your own to lead."
Bond has a very pained look on his face. "I was just tying to be nice, M. I don't want to fight on what could be our last evening together."
M nods and sighed. "I'm sorry, I just don't see why you voluntarily spend your last evening rubbing the feet of an old woman before going away. There are more appropriate women…available to entertain you…"
"M, are you suggesting that I should go out and pick up someone to have sex with before a mission? M I had no idea that was part of the 00 handbook."
M swats his arm and laughs. "Well, maybe I will have Tanner add it to the last page."
"It's late M and you are very tired."
Bond picks up her feet and moves out from beneath them. M extends her arms towards him.
"Give me a pull will you."
Bond takes her hands and pulls her up but it is a little too sudden and M gets dizzy and falls into him. Bond holds her against him and she hears him sniff her hair and sigh.
Bond chuckles. "Are you OK M?…Not going to fall over or anything?"
Bond has not let go of her and she enjoys the closeness but realizes it is not acceptable and moves to pull away from him.
Bond has a hand on each of her arms keeping her close. He is staring at her in a very unusual way and it is making her uncomfortable and she needs to break the silence between them.
"Well, you best be off then. Do try to be careful and not destroy too much while your gone. Check in once in a while also…you know how we like to hear from you on a mission…ON TIME."
Bond is still holding her arms and she knows confusion is clear on her face. Bond looks as if he is trying to decide how to respond to her...M swears the boy is going to kiss her… but that…that would be absurd.
Bond pulls her back to his chest instead and wraps his arm around her. He murmurs goodbye into her hair and pulls back enough to kiss her forehead and then her cheek.
Then he turns and takes his coat and heads to the door. Bond looks back at her and smiles.
"Be good while I'm away and I will call and check in, I promise."
Bond winks at her and then leaves.
Christ what the hell was that!
M feels as if she's been written into a Jane Austin novel with all the subtext indicating that Bond was becoming more than a little sentimental in his old age.
This is bloody insane, yet there is a constriction in her heart. Feeling uncomfortable in his embrace, it was just all very sudden but also felt...so very good.
No…she is just a mother figure to a damaged man, orphaned young. M is Bond's only connection besides Kincade to Skyfall.
The only connection to Bond's past that exists since Skyfall.
Strange how one becomes so quickly accustom to such things. There is comfort in their companionship.
Such an odd friendship for two spies to have…could be dangerous for both. Feelings like this could be used against M in her job.
It can also affect M's own judgement while Bond is on a mission. No...she is far too professional to allow that to temper her control in the workplace.
M is not some impressionable soft-hearted woman who is swayed with a few roses and docile evenings by the fire.
Bond will not cozen her into any preferential treatment...quit the opposite is true.
If anything she will be harder on him than any of the others.
Still, M would miss Bond's visits.