Father And Son
Sometimes when you look at me, it's like you can see straight through me, like my defences are naught but mist. I hate it, I really do, but whenever I try to tell you so, you smile and ask if something is wrong. And then suddenly, it's okay and I don't want to tell you, to disappoint you. I only ever wanted to make you proud.
All those years ago, when I came to you, desperate and you showed me just how powerful you really are, I wanted your help but for the first time I realised I wanted your respect too. When Lily died, I cried, tried to hide the tears but you found me, you always do. Yet you didn't mock me, instead comforted me and gave me a reason to live once more. Did it never occur to you that I wanted to die?
When the Potter boy came to Hogwarts, you smiled as he strutted round like his father, as I felt such hurt and those terrible memories washed over me. You did nothing and I realised that even you can be blind sometimes. Even the greatest men make mistakes.
When the school was on the brink of closure and the Chamber Of Secrets open once more, you were forced to flee and I thought, there's no hope for us now. Yet the Potter boy swept down and saved the day, heroically and with Gryiffindor foolhardiness. And you took me aside, after, told me to look at the sword. It read: Godric Gryiffindor. Maybe you were right after all.
Then you employed Remus Lupin, do you know how, much you hurt me? How my trust in you faltered so? I did my duty, I kept the school safe, but I never wanted any of it. When I saw him together with Black, I saw my chance and took it. But you made sure I never got it, didn't you? You never let me have my revenge.
Mad-Eye Moody, oh how the old Auror hated me, but it wasn't really him, was it? He belittled and tormented me, but he was your friend. You chose him over me. How well that turned out. I was right in the end, don't you see? You never can trust anyone. For a few wonderful moments I forgot that, but you keep on reminding me, don't you? You never would let me forget.
You make me teach the Potter boy occulmency, despite my protests. You know you're going to get your way that I'll give in. What if I'd said no? You wouldn't know what to do, would you? Because I never could say no to you. I let out my frustrations through Black, but the pleasure of tormenting him is long gone, I don't even know why I bother. You always disproved of my acting like a child. Now you tell me off for being an adult. I'm a spy to you, you trust me or so you say. So why can I never be right? Just once.
Foolish, what were you thinking. You're dying and there's nothing I can do. You want me to kill you, so you can die a heroes death, is that it? Well, I won't, I refuse. Yet somehow I've agreed. I raise my wand and cast the spell, that ends you life and all I can think is, I've won. You died and you lost, I lived and came out the winner.
So please tell me why I'm crying.