(DISCLAIMER: I OWN NOTHING SAVE THE PLOT. Enjoy :3)
It was like watching my cat die.
Rather, it was like watching my cat walk out to a busy street, and then being run over by an eighteen wheeler truck in painful stop motion. I felt like I had just watched my cat die right in front of me, only to then go home and hear my parents tell me he had simply run away, or had being gracefully whisked off to some cat Heaven where he'd be with all his cat friends – even though none of my cat's friends had died yet, which meant he'd be up in a lonely place waiting for any company. All the while, I was still here, staring at his mutilated, and mangled cat body, and watching through blurry eyes the pieces of fur being lifted into the air and scattered about along with pieces of his innards.
That's what this right here felt like to me. Seeing you who I've carried a torch for ever since we first met, sitting on the concrete step outside some shady hotel, gently caressing the hair of the man sleeping on your lap, all the while smiling with a smile I only ever dreamed I'd see – this whole picture is equal to watching my cat die. The inexplicable pain I felt then compares perfectly with what I'm feeling now. Standing so close to the horror that I'm witnessing, I can literally hear my heart-break with the same tune as my cat's bones being broken by a speeding truck. Watching you who I love fall in love with someone else right in front of me forces everything I held synonymous with 'life' right out of my body – leaving me with a hollowness that I can literally feel burning through to my very core.
"Dean" I barely register the tone of your soothing voice. "I'm sorry for calling you out here, but" You turn to me. "Right now…you're the only one I can ask."
/Don't./ I beg the very Heavens above. /For the love of God, please don't look at me with those brown eyes./
"Even though I've pushed him away, and hurt him over and over, he comes out here for three straight days, and waits patiently for me." You glance to him, forcing us both to watch the point at which his hand has clutched tightly on to the end of your shirt. "Is it okay if I give in?"
I question your question, even though I already have the answer on the tip of my tongue. Looking at this large man, holding on to you as he lies on your lap sleeping…anyone in your situation right now would feel overwhelmed with joy. Anyone in your situation right now would be on the cusp of falling completely in love, and for that, I can honestly say 'yes' to your question. However, I don't think I can say that right now to you. I don't think I can wish you the best, and grant you the permission you seek to allow yourself to be immersed in the love you're feeling for this man. I can't say a damn thing about this topic. Not while I'm standing here broken and destroyed.
So please, don't hate me for my silence. I don't want to put in you that feeling of unrest that's surfacing on your face right now as you look back at me in worry. When my cat died, I never ran over to him. I never screamed out in pain, and I never cried. I simply walked away and let the reality that he was gone eat away at me. Just like now. Don't hate me because I've chosen to walk away.
It's truly, really, all I can do.