Just getting this out of my system >>
It's funny how memory works. It's like a sieve. Details are drained out to form clumps. Whole disjointed instances for the mind to use against itself. And what's left is played in a loop.
Welcome...
I can tell you that I remember everything. I remember my everything. I remember how it was before I left. I remember how she was before I left. Loving her, kissing her, fucking her. And talking. We did that too. There was not so sane mother and sane enough father and hospitalized sister.
Welcome to...
I remember training. I remember being yelled at, beat on, and yelled at some more. I remember the invisible brand of initiation. I remember trying to get out; laxatives and imaginary bugle practice. I remember the rifle. Possessive clutch of finger on the handle. The steady even weight of it. Fire. Fire. Fire. Fire. Hit.
Welcome to the...
I remember the desert. I remember my insides turning to dust, despite the ever constant process of hydrating. The way the sunlight glinted off of plastic bottles. There is no cure for insanity. There are no pills except the ones that keep you alive in situations of bilogical warfare. There is only alcohol and guns and someone screaming 'Don't fucking die." And you listen because it's what you're supposed to do.
Welcome to the suck...
I remember missing the shot. It was ripped away from me, from us. I didn't kill anyone. Never fired a shot until it was over. We got home alive. It was up to us whether or not we stayed that way. I did because there was nothing else to do. Because I was never really good at quitting, at getting out. Because once you're in, you're in... and brands aren't so invisible.