A/N: This is a parody, and I hope that it is actually funny. This is my humorous take on a possible encounter between Jackson and Lisa.
I just want to say, that the purpose of this parody is not to bash all the stories that continue the events of the infamous Red Eye flight, but simply to provide fun, if you find it funny, of course.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Red Eye characters.
Red Eye The Sequel - A Parody
It was dark and ominous night, the night when Jackson Rippner was going to get his long awaited revenge. Six months ago Lisa Reisert had ruined his operation: the assassination of Charles Keefe. She also stabbed a pen in his throat, stuck a stiletto shoe in his thigh, shot him twice in the chest…not to mention the various objects she had thrown at him and last, but not least the humiliation he had to bear, being beaten by a woman (and her father, if that counts at all).
Jackson had to explain his failure to his superiors, sucking up his fury and irritation at their amusement and chuckles, which they didn't even try to hide, when he described his ordeal of being overpowered by a petite female hotel manager. It was then, that the doubt if they shouldn't just let him be taken out in the hospital, instead of getting him out in time, begun to settle in his mind.
Yes, he was right to be worried. That was not the worst they had done, not by a mile. They assigned him a new assistant for something like a probation, until he would prove that they could trust him again. That was when he finally was convinced: they should have just fired the third bullet and spared him.
But no, instead he was paired with none other than Hunchback, the assistant of evil Dr. Frankenstein. Apparently, the doctor didn't think his assistant was malicious and tough enough to be performing evil experiments, so he needed to harden a little. Were these people kidding?
Anyhow, here was Jackson and his trusted associate in the dark living room of Lisa Reisert herself, waiting for her to come home from work.
"Master," said Hunchback with a greasy voice "can we turn on the lights. I'm scared of the dark."
"You're what?" Jackson barely restrained himself not to shout. "You are an evil mad scientists' assistant for fuck's sake. How can you be scared of the dark?"
"Well, when I was little-"
"I really don't want to know." Jackson hurried to break him off.
There were muffled hiccups in the darkness.
"Are you crying?" Jackson asked with disbelief in his voice.
"No." Hunchback replied with voice thick with tears.
Jackson growled "That does it."
"Why are you always so mean?" Hunchback almost burst in sobs.
"Shh, she's coming." Jackson stilled in the darkest corner of the room, making signs with his face for Hunchback to hide somewhere.
Hunchback suppressed a sob and walked behind the sofa, bending out of sight. Not just a second later Jackson heard the click of a turning key and the doorknob moved. Lisa stepped inside closing the door behind her.
And then a sneeze sounded in the room.
Jackson rolled his eyes and growled.
"Who is there?" Lisa asked hesitantly.
Before she could reach for the light switch, Jackson stepped out of the shadows and said with his most menacing voice.
"Hello Leese. Did you miss me?"
Lisa froze in her spot.
"What are you doing here, you are supposed to be dead." She managed to spat.
"I'm sorry Master, I have a dust allergy." Hunchback said in apologetic voice, rubbing his nose with a finger, while he was standing up from behind the sofa. "My legs cramped."
Jackson had to clutch to his willpower not to go and strangle this annoying semblance of creature this very second.
"And who is that?" Lisa asked while studying the strange being before her.
Jackson clenched his teeth and seethed. "He is my assistant, just ignore him."
"So, you no longer organize assignations, but instead make evil plans to take over the world?" she said, trying not to laugh. The fear in her voice was replaced with mock amusement.
"Don't ever say that again." Jackson seethed. "Now can we come back to me terrifying you, chasing you and eventually kidnapping and/or killing you?" He was visibly shaking with anger.
"Better not." Lisa gave a little smile while backing away from Jackson with slow moves. "I think I'll pass. You should too. Remember what happened last time?"
"You mean the pen, the shoe, the gunshots?" For every step she took back, he advanced a step towards her. "I will make you regret that Leese." His voice was low and menacing. "Soon you would be wishing that you had made that phone call. Before that I will catch you and make you beg me for mercy, I'll-"
"You can chop her into pieces, Master, and then reassemble her back." said Hunchback in delight, cutting him off.
"You know I can't do that" Jackson almost whined with irritated voice. "We are trying to keep a PG-13 rating here, and you are definitely not helping. Oh, and thanks for undermining my authority. I am trying to be evil."
Lisa took advantage of Jackson being distracted and moved a safe distance away from him.
"But Master," said Hunchback with sneaky voice "you can. Look at the upper corner of the screen. It shows T rating." He laughed shrugging his hunched figure, "If you want we could even arrange M rating."
Lisa looked at Jackson with surprise. "You wouldn't do that." She shook her head with a definitive "No".
"Of course I wouldn't." Jackson replied with uneasy laugh. He turned to Hunchback and said in quiet voice "You can actually do that?" Then he threw meaningful look to his assistant.
Hunchback let out an evil chuckle. "Yes, Master."
Jackson cleared his throat. "Now, where were we? Oh, yeah, and when I catch you-"
Lisa laughed. "Maybe someday you will succeed Jack, when you GIVE UP. You know it's getting a little boring. Well, if you actually tried a little harder, you would make progress." She shot him a fiery glare. "And guess what, I know you are stalking me, Jack." She spat with all the venom she could manage.
"Don't ever call me…What? How do you know?"
"I know you are watching me for weeks. You are the worst surveillance ever. Last night I thought of bringing you a sandwich. I figured you would be hungry after five hours in that car." She stated a little annoyed.
"Then why are you surprised to see me?" Jackson asked with confused expression.
"You know, you get very edgy when someone hurts your masculinity." Lisa shrugged and rolled her eyes.
Jackson's face contorted in anger. "You will regret that" He leaped towards her, crashing her to the ground with his weight. Lisa struggled to get him off, hitting his chest with her fists and kicking with her legs. She managed to twist away from him but Jackson pushed her down with her back to him. He pinned her wrists to the ground, holding her with the weight of his body, which was getting harder since she was squirming so much under him. He could handle her by himself, but he didn't want to get kicked… again.
He turned to Hunchback, saying between breaths. "Don just… stand there… help me."
"I can't." He said in whining voice.
"Why?" Jackson asked in angry voice, while holding Lisa down with one hand and trying to reach her ankles with the other.
"I'm scared of pretty girls." said Hunchback, while looking down and poking the floor with the top of his shoe.
"What?" Jackson asked more surprised than mad.
"Well you know, when I was in high school there was this girl that beat me up with a textbook, and-"
"This just does it" Jackson was really getting furious this time.
Lisa who has stopped struggling under him, also surprised by the situation started kicking again. Jackson managed to secure her in a firm grip, straddling her waist.
"No" Lisa screamed expecting a horrible pain or him to do something awful. Defeated, she closed her eyes, preparing herself for the worst.
She felt something slip from her feet. "What are you doing?"
Jackson threw her shoes aside and grinned. "No high heels." he leaned close to her ear. "Now what are you going to kick or stab me with?" he asked huskily, letting his breath graze the back of her neck.
"With this." she replied and elbowed him in the chest.
Jackson rolled off her on the floor, struggling to catch his breath. He managed to rasp out. "That wasn't fair."
Lisa sprung to her feat and ran off to her room, desperately searching for something to defend herself with. She grabbed the phone, but there was no signal and she flung it to the bed in a fury.
Then she saw the pencil on her nightstand, next to the notepad she was keeping there. She clutched the pencil with both hands, but it was broken.
"No." Lisa mouthed as she squeezed the pencil with desperation.
'Lisa, I will get you. I cut the phone wires, you can't escape." came the still strained voice of Jackson from the living room.
She had to do something fast. Lisa opened a drawer and rummaged trough it, scattering its contents on the floor. She opened another, and after a few seconds she pulled out a pencil sharpener.
"You can do this Lisa, pull yourself together." Her hands were shaking while she was inserting the pencil in the little opening. "Just don't break it."
Then a tiny click sounded, and she felt the graphite snap. 'Damn dull pencil sharpeners for 10 cents." She murmured while hurrying to sharpen the pencil again.
Lisa pulled back a perfect, sharp-pointed pencil. She grasped it tightly in her hand and stilled next to the door, awaiting Jackson to open it. She took an attacking position and tried to calm her breathing.
The door opened, Lisa steadied herself and lashed at her attacker, but Jackson moved away quickly, grabbing her hand and twisting her arm, until she dropped the pencil. He dragged her out of the room pressing her into the wall.
"Leese, you are so predictable." He stared at her with his cold blue eyes. "Now since we run out of writing supplies, I suggest we get to business." He turned to Hunchback. "Bring me the rope and help me tie her up."
"Well, my Mom always said that it is not polite to tie a girl, if she doesn't want to." Hunchback said informatively.
For a moment Jackson stared into him incredulously.
"You are useless. You can't even kidnap a girl." He almost screamed.
Hunchback sniffed and began sobbing.
"I am not useless, and you are mean." He wiped his nose in his sleeve.
Lisa tilted her head in sympathy towards Hunchback, then she fixed Jackson with angry look, who was still pressing her against the wall with his body.
"Look what you did. You made him cry."
"I can't believe this." Jackson was starting to loose it. "Why are you on his side? He is MY ASSISTANT."
Hunchback blew his nose noisily in some greasy handkerchief. "Not anymore, Master. I will not help you hurt this pretty girl." He said with confidence, then his face lighten up as he stared in the distance. "She defended me…" But his joy quickly faded. "Please don't hurt me for disobeying you, Master."
Jackson sighed. "Why do I even bother…?"
Lisa renewed her writhing, trying to slip out of Jackson's grasp, or at least to scratch him with her manicure. She struggled more violently, screaming "Let me go.", as he began dragging her to the door.
Then a clear sounding "Ding" came from the microwave in the kitchen. Jackson looked in the direction of the sound shifting his attention from Lisa. She kicked him in the shin and run off to the other side of the room.
"Anyone wants some tea?" Hunchback asked emerging from the kitchen door. "I boiled some water-."
Before he could finish, she shoved past him through the kitchen door. Jackson grunted following close behind her. He stormed inside the room, but froze instantly in his place.
"You've got to be kidding me." he said in a something that sounded like high pitched squeal. "A frying pan?"
"Well then, I have a…" he pulled out his fourteen inch knife. "Curse agency policy. When the hell are they going to give me a gun. After someone kills me?"
"Maybe they don't want to risk you getting shot again, very likely by yourself. Then at least you actually will HIT SOMEBODY with a little luck." Lisa shouted, holding the frying pan ready to attack.
"And what are you going to do with this? Fry some eggs?" Jackson looked at the raised kitchen tool, contemplating it for a moment. "Isn't this thing a little large for one person to cook, I mean not that you aren't thin-"
"Jackson…" Lisa growled, clutching the frying pan with shaking hands. She looked at him, fuming with anger, but then her expression softened, and her arms lowered.
"Okay Jack, you know what, you win. I am tired of running and it seems that you won't catch me... again. This is not going anywhere." She dropped the pan, which hit the floor tiles with a loud clang, making Hunchback give a piercing shriek somewhere in the living room.
Jackson and Lisa winced at the sound.
"What do you suggest then?" Jackson asked, lowering his knife and shifting his weight confused.
"I don't know. It's a little weird when you don't want to catch me and do whatever it is that you want to do to me."
"Well, let's go get some ice cream, how does that sound?" He suggested and released the full force of his charming demeanor "If I can guess…I feel vanilla flavored ice cream, definitely with sprinkles…"
"Uhmmm" Lisa said hesitating. "I don't like sprinkles…"
Jackson's nostrils widened in anger. He grabbed her wrists and slammed her against the wall "I've been watching you for 8 weeks… for the second time, and you never order ice cream without sprinkles. Stop lying to me Leese."
Lisa exhaled with boredom. "Okay, fine, I like sprinkles. What are you going to do about it by the way?" She looked Jackson in the eyes with defiance. Their faces were very close, almost touching.
"What?" Jackson asked surprised.
"You know, when will you kiss me?"
"When did you… why do you think I would want to…" He loosened his grip and backed away a little. "I am a professional." he said a little confused.
"Yeah right," Lisa snorted and rolled her eyes. "like in the airplane bathroom. You know, you had at least two minutes in there. I am not going to wait another six months, Jackson."
They locked gazes with each other, loosing themselves in the overwhelming emotion of the moment. Jackson slowly leaned until their lips were so close, their breath mingled sweetly. Somewhere in the back a romantic melody waved through the air played by an invisible orchestra, gentle wisp of air stirred Lisa's curls in a slow motion…
"I have one condition." She then turned to Hunchback. "Would you turn that off please?"
"Sorry." Hunchback muttered a little ashamed and switched off his 3G phone.
"What now?" Jackson growled, resting his forehead on Lisa's shoulder.
"Only if you promise that you won't do surveillance on women anymore."
He pulled back his head, looking at her incredulously. Lisa continued. "It seems that you become easily attached. You can follow guys only if they are less attractive than you." She added watching his face for a reaction.
"What do you mean?" he asked truly perplexed.
"I saw that guy looking at you at the red eye." Lisa said with accusing tone. "I bet he would get in the restroom with you if he could."
"That's disgusting." Jackson said making a face, but after a moment of consideration, he added. "Well you can't deny I'm sexy." His voice was filled with smugness.
Lisa sighed with boredom. "Yes, you are sexy."
Jackson cleared his throat and got back to his self-confidant, in control, arrogant self.
"Well then, this means no more red eye flights for you, unless I sit next to the isle. You would be surprised how many associates I have."
"Are you jealous?" She smiled at him.
In response Jackson leaned and kissed Lisa slowly and passionately.
Hunchback was sitting in the corner, tears gathering in his eyes. He sighed wistfully. "I will leave you two alone. This is so cute. I have to go and help Dr. Frankenstein pull some levers." He left and disappeared in one of the nearby dark alleys.
Slowly Lisa and Jackson pulled away from the kiss, holding each other in their arms.
"Do you want to go get a vanilla ice cream?" Lisa asked.
Jackson stepped back and wrapped his arm around her shoulders, pulling her gently to him.
"Okay, but let's make it quick this time. I have deadly assassins to escape from."