Project H and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2
By Project H
Part 1
*Hogwarts*
Students: *Marching*
Snape: Once we teach them to do that while playing musical instruments, this school will really be kickin'
-
*Shell Cottage*
Harry: I need to talk to the goblin
Bill: He has a name, you know
Harry: Fine, I need to talk to...Mr Goblin
*Griphook's room*
Harry: Hello Mr Goblin. You probably don't remember-
Griphook: Your name? Not at all. You wizards all look the same to me. Are you the know-it-all female?
Harry: No. I'm Harry
Griphook: You buried the elf, and brought me here. If you expect me to be your replacement house elf, I refuse to wear the pillowcase
Harry: That's not it at all
Griphook: Fine, I'll wear the pillowcase
Harry: No no, I wanted to ask you about the sword
Griphook: How did you come by this sword?
Harry: The sword presented itself to us in an hour of need. And by 'hour of need' I mean 'month of sitting confused in a tent'
Griphook: There is a sword in Madam Lestrange's vault identical to this one
Harry: That's great, I collect fake swords. Think you can get us into one of the vaults?
Griphook: That is impossible. It could not be done. Completely out of the question. There is simply no way
Harry: We'll give you the sword
Griphook: I'm in! Let's do it
-
*Outside Ollivander's room*
Hermione: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Harry: Yeah, that little guy was adorable. I'm gonna hug him before we get to Gringotts
Hermione: I meant that there's a Horcrux in Bellatrix's vault
Harry: A Horcrux? A piece of Voldemort's soul?
Hermione: Yes. The things we're hunting down in order to kill him
Harry: Of course. The Horcruxes that we need to destroy to kill Voldemort. We're taking them out one by one
Hermione: And they could be anything. And one of them may be in Bellatrix's vault
Ron: So just so everyone's clear – we're on a quest to find the pieces of Voldemort's soul, or "Horcruxes", and must destroy them in order to kill him. And we're going to break into Bellatrix's Gringotts vault to find one
Harry: Good team meeting
Fleur: You can speak to Ollivander, but he's very weak
Harry: That's alright, we just need to ask him a few things before we go after our next Horcrux
Ron: What the hell is a Horcrux?
-
*Ollivander's room*
Harry: Mr Ollivander, would you mind identifying this wand?
Ollivander: Walnut, dragon heartstring, this belonged to Bellatrix Lestrange
Harry: It's so incredible that you're able to work that out
Ollivander: She's written her name on it
Harry: Oh...how about this one?
Ollivander: Hawthorn, greasy blonde pureblood hair, this was the wand of Draco Malfoy
Harry: Was?
Ollivander: I sense its allegiance has changed. It's telling me...what's that, wand? You want me to kill all of them? I couldn't do that. Not all of them...
Harry: You talk about wands like they can think for themselves
Ollivander: The wand chooses the wizard, Mr Potter – that's why people with cold hands never get to become wizards
Harry: What do you know about the Deathly Hallows?
Ollivander: What is this – a pop quiz? What do you know about the Deathly Hallows?
Harry: That Voldemort has the Elder Wand because of information you gave him
Ollivander...
Harry:...
Ollivander:...uh, it's the wand that chooses the-
Harry: Spare me. One final question though – why are you wearing a pillow case?
Ollivander: Say hello to your new house elf
-
*Outside the Cottage*
Ron: You're sure that's Bellatrix's hair?
Hermione: Positive
Ron: Alright then, I'll be Bellatrix. I'm the only one here who can walk in heels
*One hour later. Because even though polyjuice potion has to sit for several weeks, Bill and Fleur keep it on tap*
HermyBella: How do I look?
Ron: Not as good as I would have
Harry: Good thing we had a Bellatrix costume. And you guys all made fun of me when I decided to dress as her for Halloween. Who looks stupid now?
-
*Knockturn Alley*
Harry: Alright Hermione, this will need your best Bellatrix impression
Man: Hello Ms Lestrange
HermyBella: And good morning to you, fine sir. Bless your beautiful heart. May your day be as magical as a field of unicorns
Harry: Want to try harder?
HermyBella: And you're fat!
Harry: Perfect
*Gringotts*
HermyBella: I wish to enter my vault. My vault being Bellatrix's vault, because I am Bellatrix
Goblin: Certainly Madam Lestrange. Would you mind presenting your wand?
Harry: Well that certainly won't be a problem since we have the wand and can-
HermyBella: No
Harry: Wah?
HermyBella: I am Bellatrix and I will not show you Bellatrix's wand. Boy do I love Voldemort
Harry: Imperio
Goblin: *Imperio-d* Please come this way Madam Lestrange and Harry Potter
Harry: Whoops. Gotta be more careful about what I make him say
Goblin: Whoops. Gotta be more careful about what I make him say
HermyBella: Harry, what are you doing?
Harry: Give me a break. It's my first time using that spell
HermyBella: Pathetic
Goblin: Hermione sure is a know-it-all bitch
HermyBella: Harry!
Harry: That one was on purpose
*Gringotts-coaster*
Ron: Weee! This is absurdly fun for a bank
Security waterfall: *Whoosh*
Cart: *Drops everyone*
Harry: Oh no Hermione, you look like you again. We've got enough problems without having to look at your face
Hermione: And now we've got no way to travel through Gringotts. We've just been dumped off at a random location with no way of knowing where Bellatrix's vault is. Oh wait, it's right there
Goblin: What the devil are all you doing down here?
Hermione: Oh be quiet, Harry
Harry: Not me anymore
Goblin: Thieves!
Harry: Imperio
Goblin: *Imperio-d* That Harry sure is a fine looking wizard
Harry: Oh no, he must be overpowering the spell
Goblin: So very powerful and strong. And so much smarter than Hermione
Harry: I'm losing control!
Hermione: Knock it off, Harry
Goblin: Fine, be a jerk
Dragon: Grrr
Griphook: *Shakes clankers* It's been trained to expect pain when it hears the noise
Hermione: That's barbaric
Ron: You'd have to be a pretty stupid creature to be afraid of a sound
Hermione: Exams!
Ron: *Writhes in pain* OH GOD NO!
-
*Bellatrix's vault*
Ron: Is it here, Harry? Can you feel anything?
Cup: Psst, Harry
Harry: What's that, cup? You want me to kill all of them?
Treasure: *Multiplies*
Griphook: Gemino curse. Everything you touch will multiply
Ron: *Touches Hermione* Hey, it's not working
Harry: *Touches everything, and climbs it*
Griphook: *Catches cup*
Harry: We had a deal, Griphook. And if you don't give me the cup, I can't go back on it and cheat you out of the sword
Griphook: The cup for the sword
Harry: *Throws sword*
Griphook: *Throws up. I mean, throws cup* I said I'd get you in. I didn't say anything about getting you out
Harry: *Gets out* No worries
Dragon: Grrr
Security guards: Grrr
Harry: Oh yeah, those worries
Hermione: We can't just stand here. Who's got an idea?
Ron: I bet Hermione does
Hermione: You're right, she does! Everyone on the dragon
Harry: Oh come on, Hermione. That's your idea every time
Everyone: *On the dragon*
Hermione: Relashio!
Chains: *Are relashed*
*Meanwhile, in the Gringotts foyer*
Goblin 1: I can't help but think I'm wasting money. Yesterday I renewed the bank's fire insurance. There are never fires in Diagon Alley
Goblin 2: It's better to be safe than sorry
Goblin 1: True. And I saved us a heap by getting rid of that useless dragon insurance
Dragon: *Smashes through floor*
Goblin 1:...
Goblin 2: Let's burn the place down
Dragon: *Breaks free, and enjoys the fresh air and freedom from abuse after years of being locked away*
Hermione: Explodo!
Dragon: *Screams and flies*
Ron: That's barbaric!
Hermione: No, it's OK this time because it benefits me
Ron: Fair enough
-
*Far away*
Harry: We're dropping, let's jump. 3...2...1...JUMP!
Hermione: *Jumps*
Ron: *Jumps*
Harry: *Doesn't jump* Actually I'm wrong. Still too dangerous
Hermione and Ron: *Plummet and scream*
*Minutes later, on land*
Harry: *Dreams*
Voldemort: Nyah!
Rowena Ravenclaw: Nyah!
Hogwarts: Nyah!
*End Dream*
Harry: He knows! You-Know-Who. He knows we're hunting Horcruxes
Hermione: You let him into your mind? Harry, you can't do that
Harry: I can't help it. Except when I can. Which is almost always. It kind of tickles
Ron: What happened?
Harry: He's angry
Ron: That doesn't sound like the Voldemort I know
Harry: *Starts undressing* He knows if we find and destroy all the Horcruxes we'll be able to kill him, so he's one step ahead of Ron
Ron: *Starts undressing* What's a Horcrux?
Harry: And one of them is at Hogwarts. Something to do with Ravenclaw, and Hogwarts, and Ginny arriving at my dormitory wearing only...no wait, I'm combining separate dreams. Just Ravenclaw and Hogwarts. We have to go there now
Hermione: Well then we'll have to work out a plan
Harry: Hermione, when have any of our plans actually worked? We plan, we get there, all hell breaks loose. So let's not plan at all
Hermione: OK then, that'll be the plan – don't plan
Harry: Damn it, you're right. How can we have no plan? How can we make sure we have absolutely no idea what we're doing?
Hermione: Put Ron in charge
Harry: Brilliant! Ron, what should we do?
Ron:...Hogsmeade!
Harry: Good idea. We'll travel there as soon as Hermione has a chance to get undressed and change
Hermione: I think I'm fine in my current clothes
Harry: No no, me and Ron changed, now you
Hermione: I really don't-
Harry: Sounds like you planned to not get changed
Ron: Damn it Hermione! You're ruining the Horcrux mission! Take your clothes off or the world is doomed!
-
*Gringotts*
Voldemort: *In parseltongue* The boy has discovered our secret, Nagini. I thought killing this bank of goblins would cheer me up, but it didn't
Nagini: Would it cheer you up if we killed another bank of goblins?
Voldemort:...it might
-
*Meanwhile*
Hermione:...
Harry:...
Ron:...seriously Hermione, we're not leaving until you get changed
Hermione: Shut up and take my hand
Ron: Works for me
Hermione: To apparate
Ron: Oh...good
TO BE CONTINUED...