He was bone tired of fighting. Some nights it just didn't seem worth the effort. He needed something to hold onto, he could feel himself falling apart on the inside. He'd bought a cheap bottle of something or other from the corner store on his way home from work. It wasn't going to change things, just help him forget for a little while. He was turning into his mother, the thought struck him mid drink and terrified him to the core.
Lilly half woke up; someone was kneeling near her bed. It scared her at first but then she recognized him in the half-light from her window. "Jimmy?" Her voice sleepy and soft, she wondered why he was there.
He tucked the blanket tighter around her and wiped roughly at his eyes with his coat sleeve. "Go back to sleep baby." He sniffled, unable to keep the tears out of his voice. He hadn't meant to wake her. He had wanted to just watch her sleep, to feel quiet comfort in her presence. Watching blonde hair curl around her sleeping face he realized he hadn't been looking out for her as much as he should have. He'd tried to keep an eye on her when he'd moved out but he'd gotten caught up in other things and forgotten. His music and making his dream real had taken over, his girlfriend, his job, having his own place; he'd let it all distract him. How could he have left Lilly behind? His music and this little girl were the only things that meant something; that he loved.
He hadn't realized he was crying until he'd tried to speak and found that his eyes were burning and his throat felt raw.
Lilly's body completely stiffened and tensed up upon hearing Jimmy's voice. He didn't sound right, something was wrong. He was wearing his coat and hat, was he going somewhere? She sat up in bed intently peering at him, completely awake now. Had mommy kicked him out for good this time? She hadn't heard any yelling but something was defiantly wrong. Maybe she'd slept through it. That worried her, her stomach started to hurt and she frowned.
"Jimmy, what's going on?" She whispered, trying to keep her voice low so as not to be heard. She knew if their mom found them and was in one of her crazy mean moods that she wouldn't hurt her, she'd go after Jimmy instead. She scooted to the edge of the bed, dragging the blanket with her. She stared at him, Jimmy had never hurt her worse as when he had moved out. She had missed him so much. He was supposed to be her protector and he had left her behind. She wouldn't be able to stand it if he left her again, the thought of it made her stomach ache worse.
"Damn, sorry I..." He muttered, shamed by the accusation of his neglect that he read in her eyes. How could she forgive him? "Didn't mean to wake you Lilly. I shouldn't have come in here." She hated him. She hated him for leaving her. "I just wanted... Things are okay. I'm fine." He said hurriedly while wiping at his eyes some more. He stood up quickly and backed out of the room, half closing the door behind him. He couldn't breath he was so choked up with fear and tears. He bumped into the counter and knocked some dishes into the sink. Lilly hated him. He had seen it in her eyes, how could he let that happen?
He finished off the bottle he'd left on the counter, it burned his already dry throat. He pulled his coat and hat off and left them on a chair. He was so tired. His head was swimming; he knew he was pretty drunk by the way the room was whirling around. He curled up on the couch and tried not to think of anything. Lilly's face seemed burned into his mind's eye though, looking worse and more accusing in his imagination.
Lilly watched him leave her room, completely convinced now that he was not all right . She held her breath and listened intently to him bump around in the other room. If he left she would follow him she decided. There were no sounds of the front door opening. She waited for what seemed like a long time before the other room was quiet. After another minute she crawled out of her warm bed; holding the blankets wrapped tightly about her shoulders. Jimmy needed her.
He was stretched out on the couch, cocooned in a thin blanket. She waddled her trailing mass of bed sheets over to him. He opened his eyes at her approach and sat up. He looked scared. She bit her lip and steeled herself to be the strong one. Jimmy needed her now and she would be there for him. He was quiet as she piled on top of him, blankets and all. She crawled around so that she was facing him. Their eye meeting she said, "I missed you so much when you left." The tears ran down his wet face but he didn't seem to notice or try to hide them from her. "Don't ever leave me again." She whispered, as his arms enveloped her little body. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed her face into his skin.
"I won't baby, I promise I won't." he swayed her against him. "You're the only one that means anything."
Lilly nodded and clung onto him, feeling safe again. She listened as his breathing evened out and then laid her head against his chest and drifted off to sleep herself.
-end