Our Smile, a hollyoaks fanfic

So sorry, I never meant to fall in love with you,
Don't worry, I know you think I have to let go,
Believe, I would stay but we know that we'll wake up alone,
Pretend,
That there's nothing there between us

I don't know when it happened, when I first fell in love with him. If I try to think about it I can't even remember a time when I didn't love him. That man, that amazing beautiful man, entered my life from nowhere and turned it on its head until nothing was ever going to be able to be the same again. I must thank him for that one day!

We were friends at the start, just friends, best friends, and I don't even know how that happened. What was it that drew us together like that? We went from strangers to the closest friendship I had ever known in the blink of an eye. I think that's where the confusion came in really. Because I loved him you see, right back then at the start, but I'd never had a best friend before, not like that, so that love I confused with the love of a deep friendship and I didn't stop to think it might be more... not then... and not for a long time. Now of course looking back I can't believe how blind I was being, how blind I guess we both were, because it was more than friendship, so much more and we didn't even seem to notice.

They don't know the full story,
The one we never can tell,
And I hide a smile, I hide a smile for you.

I can still remember that first kiss, even though we were both so drunk and, let's face it, it ended rather badly, but that moment is etched into my mind more clearly than any moment in my life before. It's almost as if that was the moment my life truly began.

I remember how much I was trembling, and how much he was, the smell of alcohol on his breath as we got closer and closer. We were laughing, sharing something that we had never done before. I felt so completely vulnerable at that moment, afraid and at the same time exhilarated. This was the love I had been feeling, this was where it had all been leading, right from our very first meeting. I don't think that kiss lasted very long but at that moment in time it felt as if it was lasting an eternity.

His lips were soft yet firm, there was no uncertainty in what he wanted, in what we wanted, as we lost ourselves in each other. My heart was racing out of control and at that moment I think I knew that what we had was never going to end, there was no way that we could let go of feeling like that, that longing and desire and passion. This was what love was about and now that I realised it I wanted more, I wanted so much more. I wanted him. Forever.

It's so funny,
I never thought I'd feel like this again,
I'm so scared,
But we know that we can't run away,
So easy to deny the attraction, the call of Fate,
And wake up and declare that it's only a dream.

No of course it wasn't going to be that easy, maybe it's true that anything worth having it worth fighting for, and we certainly did our share of that. We couldn't be in love you see, it wasn't what was supposed to happen, it was never what our friendship was supposed to be leading to. Well that's what we thought, of course we couldn't have been more wrong if we'd tried!

That kiss actually tore our friendship apart for a long time, it probably felt longer than it was because without a part of yourself, a part of your soul, the days and weeks drag on painfully slowly. I have never missed anyone in my life the way I missed him. I yearned for him back in my life but had no idea how to make that happen.

That kind of friendship though, that kind of love, it could only be denied for so long before we could no longer bear to be apart and for a while we restored our friendship but it was never the same. It couldn't be. No matter what we might tell everyone else we had fallen in love and we wanted each other. Completely.

They don't know the full story,
The one we never can tell,
The affair we declare to be over,
We lie to ourselves,
They don't know the full story,
The one we never can tell
And I hide a smile, I hide a smile for you
I hide a smile for you
Our smile, our smile, our smile.

When we made love that first time, wow how do I even put that into words? Perfection wouldn't even come close. Of course in time it got better, physically we learned each others likes and dislikes, we learned how to leave the other panting, gasping and hardly able to think, but that first time. Well! I hadn't realised how beautiful his body was, not until I got to touch it, to feel it move beneath my fingers as he moaned my name in a soft voice, a voice so filled with desire it could have made me weep.

It wasn't just sex you see. Any other time I had shared my bed it had been, I had tried to make it be love but how could it be when I only loved him? This time was how making love was supposed to be, a connection of two hearts and souls through the connection of their flesh.

Watching his face as he came, knowing that I had made that happen. Is there really anything more beautiful in this world? If there is then I haven't seen it.

I'm so drunk,
I'm so high, I'm not sure that I'm still making sense,
Can't explain,
For the first time these feelings inside,
And I'd thought
I'd control of my heart that this chapter was over
And you rewrote my life and showed me a happy end

I could tell you how difficult it became, but is there really any point? Why dwell on the pain that has passed?

We kept things between us secret at the start, afraid of what would happen and afraid of hurting other people, we didn't seem to realised that by doing that we were hurting ourselves.

I was so in love with him by then that when we were together nothing else mattered. It didn't matter what we were doing as long as it was the two of us. When he looked at me with that look, the one that screamed out how much he loved me, I felt like I was walking on air. Sometimes I would catch his eye across a room full of people and they all just faded away into nothing, leaving two people who were in love. Who are in love.

We did try to end things between us, so many times, but we always ended up back together again. We should have known that you really can't fight fate, you can't fight love because it will win in the end.

We were young when we met, barely more than children really, not that we would have agreed with that at the time. You don't though do you? When you're young you think you know everything, it's only when you get older that you realise there is still so much you do have a clue about.

Even now, so many years later I'm still learning things. I'm still learning things about him despite the fact that we've been together the best part of twenty years now, he still knows how to surprise me.

Yesterday he came home early carrying a bottle of champagne and wearing a tuxedo. For what occasion? And well you might ask, I certainly did. His answer? Because he had been thinking about our first kiss all day and he hadn't been able to stop smiling, or get any work done!

That's the sort of man I fell in love with. Jealous? You should be!

So sorry, I never meant to fall in love with you