She picked up the photograph that lay resting at the top of her desk draw. She rarely looked at it any more. As she glanced at the picture for the first time in a week she felt like she finally understood him. She finally understood how a person can live every day with an undercurrent of darkness. How someone can smile so brightly but have such sadness in their eyes. She saw the reflection of herself in the glass wall across the room. She could see the sadness within her. It wasn't the first time she wondered if everyone else could see her silent pain. The pain that was sometimes so big she felt like sitting on the couch and not moving until the pain passes. It always passed, eventually. She wondered how he did it for so many years, and if anyone ever really recovers completely.
It was strange how someone so sad can seem so happy in a photograph. She supposed he also had fleeting moments of happiness. His arm was placed around her shoulder while they sat around Cho's table playing cards. One of their most happy memories together. His sneaky smile as he glanced at her cards while she chatted animatedly to Rigsby. Everyone can always count on Van Pelt for a secret photograph. Pure joy can only be pictured when you don't realise it and are not trying to be happy. She admired his smile and missed it so terribly. A tear dripped down her face and joined the many other already dried ones. She cursed herself for damaging such a beautiful photograph. He would have told her it only adds more character. She wished she could appreciate it.
She was particularly sad today. There was no reason to be more sad then yesterday, she didn't understand the feeling but she felt it all the same. She realised that she was beginning to forget the intricate details about him. The curl of his hair on that one spot on the left, or the small fading scar on his arm. It all came back to her as she gazed into the picture. She recognised that one day she'll look at the picture and see him just for the man he appears to be and not the detailed man she knew so fondly. She will slowly forget the little details of his appearance. But she will never forget the man he was to her. She will remember his strength and she will remember his kind and giving nature. She would never be able to forget his playfulness and showman attitude no matter how much she wanted to.
He was gone. She never had the chance to say goodbye. None of them did. She brings comfort from his all-knowing nature. He knew how much they loved and appreciated him. She wished she could have told how she felt. She wished they had had some time together after the chase was finally over. She wished she could have known him finally at peace. She hoped for an afterlife so he was together with them again. She prayed he was finally happy and released from the darkness.
She glanced upward and closed her eyes against the tears. She whispered to him or maybe the universe, she wasn't sure. "I hope you're happy, Patrick. I miss you every day."
She didn't know if he was right about there being no afterlife, she had already tried ice-cream. Talking to him brought her comfort and in these moments, it was enough for her.