Hey, everybody, it's been a long time since I last wrote anything on this account. But I had a plot bunny that was refusing to leave my mind so I decided to start writing! I hope you like it and please review, this is a different style of writing for me and I want to know what you think about it.
This is a one-shot/character analysis on Sam's feelings for Jessica and how he is still coping with them. This is supposed to seem rather jumbled and like it's jumping from thought to thought.
Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural or any of its wonderful characters. I write this only in celebration of the new episode tonight!
Sam loved Jessica (he still does). She was perfect to him, beautiful, smart and funny. It was impossible to not love her. Her personality was absolutely stunning and she was genuinely sweet. She was so out of his league. He was scrawny and a complete geek when they first met. Yet she fell in love with him. He thought he was the luckiest man in the entire world (his world eventually came crashing down). They had some wonderful times together and Sam can't bring himself to regret them.
He can't claim that their relationship was perfect (he wouldn't have had it any other way). They both were damaged in their own ways. But they made each other a little less messed up. He would argue that they made each other whole (he isn't whole anymore). He knows that death leaves people in the most positive light; he's a smart boy (he didn't get a full ride to Stanford for nothing). He knows that every memory of Jess is romanticized and glorified. But he doesn't care.
It hurts too much to think about her (she died eight years ago). Time hasn't healed this wound and sometimes he thinks that it never will. He's loved other girls since then, but it has never been the same way. He thinks that they know there is someone else, someone who comes before them in his heart. He isn't a very good actor, never has been.
He only lets himself think about her after Dean's asleep (passed out). When he closes his eyes her image dances in his mind. A smile still crosses his face. His eyes still tear up. But the tears never fall (the time for crying has long since gone). He doesn't have any tears left for sweet, beautiful Jess. He thought that he would become numb, desensitized to her death. After all he's been surrounded by death his entire life.
Sometimes he wishes that he had become numb. The wishful line of thinking is always followed by guilt (he always feels guilty). He can nearly forget the pain, it's been present for so long. It's become a constant ache; it's almost ignorable (almost). It's like the way his back screams in pain every morning, or the way that his joints cry out in protest. Most days the agony isn't felt but then some days it is.
Drinking doesn't make the pain go away (he's tried). It just makes it all hurt even more. The same goes for pills (he only tried that once). When he wakes up the next day it's harder to move on. Dean used to give concerned glances and give awkward comforting talks (he doesn't anymore). Sam doesn't know if he's grateful for that or not. He hasn't done those things in a while though.
Sam doesn't sleep well at night (he hasn't slept well in the past eight years). Every night so many memories haunt his desperate mind. So when he does think about Jess, it doesn't make a big difference in how he sleeps. He tries not to let his thoughts wander to her death (they always do). But for a while he is able to focus on the happier moments and days. The smallest details seem so much more important now. He's afraid that one day his memories will become blurry instead of sharp and vivid.
In the pit many of her memories kept him alive (along with Dean of course). Lucifer didn't like how love made him strong. It made his punishments worse, and far crueler. Sam didn't care. Memories had become his only lifeline (it was a frayed rope but a lifeline nonetheless). Sometimes he wonders what would have happened had Jessica survived. He doesn't like the answers that he comes up with (so he stops thinking).
Sam understands that the mind plays tricks. He knows that when he feels the bed dip slightly it's just his imagination. It's why he keeps his eyes closed. He doesn't want to open them and see that there is no one next to him. When he was with Amelia it was easier to pretend. She had so many of the same habits as Jess did. She sang softly when she was cooking and she liked to take early morning jogs with Sam. He hates himself a little for comparing the two of them (he can't help it).
Sam isn't one to indulge himself. But sometimes he can't help himself. Late at night he hears the jingling of bracelets. It still sounds clear as day even though he hasn't heard that spectacular noise since…that day. He never knew how much he would miss a noise (he didn't think it was possible to miss such a trivial thing). Yet he longs to hear it. The mere sound brings back thousands of memories.
Jess used to wear about five bracelets on her left wrist. She used to say that they brought her good luck (they didn't). She never took them off though. When she took her night classes it was how Sam knew she came back. She would open their apartment door and walk up the stairs, her bracelets jingling insistently. It used to annoy him (yet now he would do anything to really hear it again).
Sam used to get out of bed and try to find the source of the noise. He was positive that it had to be real. Later on he wondered if he was going crazy (he still does). The noise was just another figment of his imagination. He welcomes the precious sound now though. What does it matter if it's real or not?
Sam still loves Jess. It isn't often that he lets himself truly think about her. The pain of her death is a constant never ending ache. Everyone thinks that he has moved on. But he hasn't and doesn't think he ever will. He misses her bracelets and her warm presence. Every single detail about her is beautiful and lovely. But he can only let himself remember her when Dean is passed out.