Ten years? Had it really been that long? Had it really been that long since he saw her last? Ten years since he said "I love you" and heard it back from her? Had it really been ten years since they hadn't spoken? Sometimes of course it felt like it happened a thousand years ago, and sometimes it felt like it had happened hours ago. But it had been ten years. Ten years since she passed away.
He hated today. He wished that he could roll back over and sleep through it, forget it even happened. But he also wished it happened more often, so he could remember her vividly on all days. Most of the time he just pushed any thought of her to the back parts of his mind and sealed them away. Sealed them away for a year, and then opened them for one day only, to acknowledge them and prevent the thoughts from taking over his life. But he couldn't roll back over because his brain never let him forget this day. It was the one day he was allowed to feel the feelings he kept locked away and to purge them.
Stiles looked down to his right, at his wife, Lydia, from his sitting position. Yes Lydia Martin, no, Stilinski, was married to him, finally his forever. His wife of all little over one year was in a deep slumber as she clutched the black and white duvet that was covering her petite body. She was so peaceful; he wished he could go see what sanctuary she was dreaming of. His beautiful strawberry blonde wife stretched in her sleep, signaling that she would be waking very soon. The duvet fell around her body, highlighting her growing abdomen. He thought when he married her that she couldn't be any more beautiful, but he had been wrong. Now she was keeping their future baby safe inside of her, and she was glowing, absolutely stunning. At least that was something to make him smile today.
He took a quick glance to observe the room he was in and what all was in it. It had the doors connecting the closet and bathroom to the room, the bed with the duvet that Lydia had specifically put on the wedding registry, the TV with the DVD player. His favorite thing was the dresser that held up pictures from their wedding day, otherwise known as the best day of his life. He just couldn't believe that he was here. He was married to his crush from the third grade, a baby on the way. He should be happy, and he usually was. But not today, because today was the anniversary of something he dreaded and avoided thinking about. Because ten years ago today, his mother died.
"Can't sleep?" Her familiar voice called out to him, saving him from his self-destructive thoughts.
"Nah." He said shaking his head and turning to look at his wife who was putting in a great deal of effort to put her body and protruding belly into a sitting position. She was only five or so months along, she wasn't huge, but the bump was becoming noticeable. "Morning Lyd." He said leaning back and kissing her on the mouth as she grabbed his face and let it linger for a moment or two.
"Morning." She smiled when she was finished giving him his good morning kiss, that smile still managed to give him butterflies.
"How's the little guy?" He asked placing his hand lightly on Lydia's stomach. They just found out that they were having a boy a few weeks ago.
"Good I think, no morning sickness today, so that's good." She told Stiles as he sat back up into his stance he had taken before she awoke. "What about you? How are you?" She knew all too well what today was, she had spent about five or six of them with him over the time she had been with him. She didn't mind, but she hated that she couldn't do anything for him. He said being there was the best thing she could do for him but she wished she could do more. Today though, she knew was going to be worse. Because it had been ten years to the day that he had only been with one parent and ten years is a long time to go without someone. Especially you spent every day of your life with.
"Yeah, I'm fine, I'm good." He lied, she knew he was lying, and he knew that she knew he was lying. They understood each other that way.
"Well." She said as she sat up and wrapped one arm around his shoulder and the other grasping his arm to steady herself as she kissed him on the neck. "If you need anything, I'm here for you. If you want to talk or whatever." He continued to stare out into space as she buried her face into his arm.
"Thank you." He said leaning his head against hers, sitting there for a moment as she ran her hand up and down his arm, doing her best to make him feel comfortable.
"I'm going to go make breakfast for us; you can get a shower first if you want." She said kissing his cheek and climbing out of their bed.
"Yeah, that sounds good."
"I can shower with you, if you want. Save the planet?" She joked, adding a wink.
"Hmmm, maybe tomorrow." He said climbing out of bed as well and walking over to give her a kiss on the head before heading to the bathroom to get ready for the day.
"Alright, I'm holding you to that." She said wrapping him in a hug as he kissed his short in stature wife on the top of the head. She wasn't offended, if he wanted to be alone in the shower, she would let him, she understood.
Lydia walked downstairs to the kitchen, making eggs and bacon and everything Stiles liked for breakfast when he came down. When he finally came down she made him a plate and rubbed his shoulders to let him know, once again she was there for him whatever he needed.
"I'm going to get a shower babe." She whispered into ear. "And then we can go, whenever you're ready."
"Okay." He said offering a weak smile that pained her. Wishing that there was something she could do that would make all of his sad feelings disappear and never return. "Hey" he grabbed her arm and sat her on his lap briefly. "I love you." He whispered putting his forehead to Lydia's as her heart broke into a hundred pieces.
"I love you too, so much." She said wrapping her arms around his neck, feeling so safe and secure, wishing she didn't have to leave his embrace. Finally he let go and she slowly moved away from him to go upstairs. Today was worse than she had expected it to go, she wasn't used to it, but she could adjust.
Lydia finished her shower under the warm water and Stiles finished up his breakfast as he watched the morning news. She had on a nice dress and sensible shoes for once, it wouldn't have been sensible to wear heels where they were going, and it wouldn't be good for her pregnant body to handle. Stiles wore a nice suit and tie that as comfortable yet presentable.
They met his father at the cemetery after they had stopped by the town's florists to pick up the arrangement Lydia had picked out. The ride over was pretty silent, but she expected that today would be the one that wasn't filled with chatter, even from the mouth of a certain hyperactive adult male.
"Stiles, hey." Came a male voice from the parking lot of the cemetery, it was his father, who wrapped his son in a tight hug. Today was difficult for both of them, in different but similar ways. Both went through grieving but in obviously different ways, Lydia observed. John, for instance held it together better, but it lasted over a period of a few days. Stiles however usually took it really hard, but only for one day. Neither was a better way than the other, just different.
"Hi dad." Stiles said as he exited the hug as Lydia greeted him with one.
"Hey John, how's it going." Sometimes she called him John, sometimes the Sheriff, sometimes even dad, whatever the atmosphere called for.
"Lydia, hi. Oh you know." She nodded her head in understanding after pulling away. "How are you feeling today?" He asked gesturing to the baby; last week when she and Stiles had met up with his father she had morning sickness.
"Oh much better, thanks for asking." She smiled politely, happy that his dad was so involved in their lives. They all lived in the same town still and they got together at least once a week if possible. At dinner later, they planned on telling him that they would be having a boy.
Tears were kept to a minimum for them all, they were there but they weren't overflowing constantly from their eyes. They only spent about half an hour there but it was emotionally taxing for them all. Stiles and the Sheriff just did their best to think of the happy things they had done with his mom. Birthdays, family trips, and anything other lighthearted memory was recalled. Stiles did tell her about the baby and how he wished she could see it and see how beautiful his wife was, that was when the tears were the most prominent.
Stiles was the last to leave the grave, wiping his eyes as he walked back to the car. She could tell though that he hadn't let it all out, like he was trying to hold them in and keep it together. Her heart ached for him to have his mother there for him; she would know exactly how to make him feel better. Lydia did her best though, playing his favorite songs on mix she had made him and driving to the restaurant as she cradled his hand in her own.
"So what is it?" The sheriff was getting impatient as he stuffed a bite of steak into his mouth, they were already to the main course of the meal and they still hadn't told him yet.
"Alright, you want to tell him babe?" She asked her husband with a big smile, swelling with pride already for their son.
"No, I mean you can tell him if you want." He offered eating a bite of a baked potato.
"Will someone tell me?" The sheriff begged.
"We're having a boy." Lydia said, smiling gleefully as she put a protective arm around her belly.
"Wow! A boy? Really?"
"Yep, it's a boy." Stiles confirmed, smiling genuinely for the first time all day. Lydia grabbed for her purse, fishing around until she found the sonogram.
"Here this is your copy." She said handing it to him.
"Oh yes, definitely a boy." He laughed as he held the picture up to get a good look.
"He wasn't very modest was he?" Lydia giggled taking another bite of her food.
"That's great you guys, really great. Oh and I have something for you." He said grabbing a few photos out of his pocket and handing them to Lydia.
"Thank you so much!"
"It's that the kind of pictures you wanted?"
"What pictures?" Stiles asked looking over her shoulder, trying to catch a peek.
"Yes these are absolutely perfect. Thank you so much. I'll make a few copies and get these back to you next week."
"What are they?" Stiles asked, annoyed he hadn't been given an answer as he took one from Lydia to get a better look.
"There pictures of you and your parents. We don't have many of you when you were little. And I thought I could use the ones of you and your parents in the nursery." She explained as he peered at photos of him with his mom and dad holding him or playing with him or doing something else together.
"Oh, yeah, I think that's a great idea. What about pictures of you though?" Stiles asked.
"I got some from my mom, don't worry." She said smiling and thinking about how cute was going to look when it was all said and done. A smile played on his lips looking at the photos, but followed by a slight look of sadness too.
"Yeah, I think that will be good, babe." He said quietly, not moving his eyes off of the pictures.
After eating everyone went back to the Sheriff's house to spend some time together. No one really talked much but it was nice to be in each other's company to reflect on anything. It was somewhat late when they returned home so Stiles threw off his suit and climbed into bed with only his socks and boxers on while Lydia changed into a tank top and yoga shorts. He was thawing and pricessing the day in his head and kept coming back to telling his mother about his son and how upset he was she would never see him.
"Stiles, are you alright?" Lydia asked as she walked to the bed from the bathroom climbing next to him. "It's alright baby." He hadn't even realized he'd been crying, but he had been holding it in all day, he had to let it go. He felt comfortable with his wife and he knew she wasn't going to think any less of him for crying. He knew she just wanted to be there for him.
"I'm sorry." He choked out. "I know it's not usually this bad, but I've just been think that it's been ten years Lydia." Every year was sad for him but milestones were worse.
"I know, I know baby." She climbed next to him, placing her hands on his cheeks, letting her thumbs brush away the flowing tears. "Don't be sorry. Shhhh, it's okay." She put her arms around his neck.
"And she'll never meet our son." His voice cracked.
"It's okay baby." After a few minutes of being in this position she got tired and needed to move. She turned and laid down, taking him with her. His head was buried in her chest as he sobbed; getting it all out was what worked for him, so she would help him through it.
"It's okay, let it out." "Stiles, just let it out." "I love you so much." "You'll be okay." She chanted these things as she rubbed his back and ran her fingers through his hair until he was calm, until he was asleep, until he was done.