For Beatrice—
I hope that the words on this page
Bring me more peace than the words on your grave.
If you opened this document with the intention of reading a giddy, happy love story, I am sorry to inform you of two things. Firstly, you are sadly unaware that tragedy means "an extremely sad story of which there is no hope of a happy ending," and secondly, you will in all probability be disappointed in this story. Surely you know that the fate of the Baudelaire orphans is not a pleasant one, and now, unless you close this document at once and never think of it again, you will learn that the fate of their mother was not any pleasanter.
A simile is a useful literary device because it can make something that perhaps you were not familiar with easier to understand. Writers often employ similes to connect their readers to an idea that would otherwise be tedious, a word which here means "so dreadfully boring that the reader either promptly falls asleep or slams the book shut in frustration, either course resulting in nothing new learned" or difficult to understand, like calculus or the inner workings of a spy's mind. A simile is a curious literary device because you can take any two things in the entire world and find some common feature between the two. For example, a raven is like a writing desk because a notable poet once wrote on both. Wasabi is like a minor clause in a legal passage because they have both saved three orphans' lives. And my love for a certain woman is like a fire because they are both passionate, deadly, and destructive to everything they touch.
Unfortunately, similes do not always extend far enough to encompass the whole subject, and thus may leave less knowledgeable readers with wrong beliefs. For example, while a raven may be similar to a writing desk, I would not recommend that you attempt to use a raven as a peaceful place to compose letters, nor would I recommend that you use a writing desk to send messages across long distances (unless of course members of a covert organization are scheduled to transport it across the country to a certain home where a certain person waits to discover what secrets you have hidden under its surface). Nor would I recommend you use wasabi to clear your name in a court case (unless it is particularly relevant, or unless you have crafted a wasabi bomb that will incapacitate the occupants of the room long enough for you to escape), or use a legal clause to flavor Japanese cuisine. And my love is most assuredly not like a fire in that a lack of oxygen to its source has not and will likely never extinguish it.
My love is like a ruined painting in that it hurts to reflect on what it once was, but unlike a ruined painting, it is not worth much to anyone but myself. My love is like the Ptolemaic view of the galaxy in that I wrongly believe the entire universe revolves around it, but my love is not a theory concerning celestial bodies. However, of all the imperfect similes that I could apply to my love, the most accurate that I have found is in fact the fire because of its significance in the tale. The story of my love starts with a fire, ends with a fire, and deals with fire in many different forms the entire time. Most especially in the incidents regarding a certain volunteer fire department, and the dangerous conflict within.
So, dear reader, if you must continue with this despondent tale, then continue with this in mind: similes are like stories. They can both be informative, but neither tell everything there is to know.
To my kind editor,
My time is short, as is the wick on my candle, so my directions must remain simple: retrace your steps to where our journey began, and there you will find my description of how my journey began, entitled THE DESOLATE DISCOURSE. Unlike the tale of the Baudelaires, however, I would prefer you to never publish my take on these events, as they would endanger many members of the VFD and their relatives. Keep the manuscript locked in the box it is stored in, and under no circumstances give it to anyone with a tattoo of an eye anywhere on their person.
With all due respect,
Lemony Snicket