1.
"You don't really expect me to wear this after school, don't you?" Yumichika asked, holding his uniform out for Ikkaku to see. "I'd rather go naked," he added, emerging from the bathroom.
"You'd better put something on, Yumi."
"I have a gigai on, Ikkaku," said Yumichika, loosing the fake smile that had been glued to his face since dawn and looking away.
Ikkaku wasn't a big fan of the school uniform either. Whoever came up with this bright idea that they should pose as students must have lost his mind to the old timer's disease, there was no way they could blend in. And Ikkaku wasn't blending in especially successfully, he looked as if he'd been trying to graduate for the last twenty years. It's not like he cared much about what other people thought, but these other people didn't have to stare all the time. They didn't have to spy on him either, checking out whether he had tattoos on his back and shoulders. Right? Some common courtesy would've been nice, right?
And the fruity asshole, licking his lips or chewing up his pencils, moving from one dirty fantasy to another in the middle of the class, wasn't helping the slightest. The guys even told him that the chewing pencil sequences, note the plural, looked damn good. Of course, they looked good, dickheads! Yumichika knew his way around... pencils, and if they knew just how well, they'd choke. "It's not simple, Ikkaku, I can watch the heart rate, blood pressure, blood sugar, and temperature to perform a highly personalized blowjob," Yumichika had told him once, intentionally choosing the moment when they were eating. "Just close your eyes, if guys are not your thing." He spat rice all over the place. And the only thing the little shit said afterwards, wiping the soy souce off his chin, was, "I'm sorry, Ikkaku, I was not entirely truthful about the blood sugar."
Asshole.
"You'd better put something on, Yumi, we go shopping."
Yumichika's smile was back, outshining the sun outside of the window.
"I love you, Ikkaku!"
"You only love my fucking money!"
Yumichka's declarations of undying love always meant one thing, Ikkaku had to open his purse and pay, pay, and pay. What else could he do? Let Yumichika anywhere near the money? Right, maybe he was stupid, but he was not a complete idiot.
2.
They were lucky to spot Ikkaku's dream shop within fifteen minutes. Nothing but camouflage was ever sold there, it was a heaven for those obsessed with the military silent types. Naturally, Ikkaku was right at home in this place, and quite as naturally, Yumichika was not. While Ikkaku was checking out the goods, the silent types were checking out Yumichika's ass.
"Do I look like misplaced merchandise to you?" He gave his killer smile to some guy with the fingers too curious, who also thought Yumichika didn't belong here and was bold enough to take it as a good omen, and the guy got lost.
He was not supposed to kill the locals, Yumichika reminded himself and went to search for Ikkaku in the store's aisles and nooks. It would be easier to refrain from any homicidal activity in Ikkaku's presence.
Yumichika found Ikkaku soon enough and couldn't hold his smile. Ikkaku looked hot, he wasn't a high school delinquent any longer, years and years of military experience shone through the rugged garments. The only question remaining open was which army exactly Ikkaku had devoted his best years.
"These patterns don't go together too well, Ikkaku."
"Camo is camo. What's the big deal?"
"Yes, but this is an original US Air Force jacket and these are Russian winter pants. I believe it says Polar Bear on the tag," he pointed out. Yumichika rather liked the pants. The huge pockets presented an endless array of teasing possibilities. Too bad Ikkaku wouldn't be able to appreciate them properly.
"Oh, I remember. They've got some kind of cold war or something, right?"
Yumichika made a mental note to ask Ikkaku the name of the current emperor when he would be in the mood for quality entertainment.
"Umm... Sort of."
"I see, it's like wearing underwear with the wrong division flowers, right?"
Wearing underwear with the right division flowers was so unspeakable that no one bothered to mention the fact to the retards from the Eleventh, and Yumichika was so shocked that he let the matter slide.
"Ehhh... Kind of."
"You know what?" Ikkaku wriggled and twisted in front of the small mirror, trying all the tricks he knew (non-surprisingly a lot!) to see his reflection. "I don't give a damn about the foreigners. I like these pants, they are comfy, no rustling, lots of room, you know, reinforced knees..."
"You won this argument, Ikkaku." Yumichika wasn't sure he could keep his face straight for much longer. "I cannot say no to reinforced knees."
"Asshole!"
What could he say? The pants were hot.
3.
"So, what boyband does your friend belong to?" a salesgirl asked teasingly after Yumichika with a huge pile of black jeans had disappeared into the fitting room.
"The Eleventh." Ikkaku dropped the bags he was carrying on the floor and nearly collapsed next to them. Beating that arrankar, whatever his name was, a week ago exhausted him much less, and that was with all the injuries counted.
He swore he'd kill Yumichika if they ever get to the sixth store. Now, it was the eighth one, and they were no closer to the end of Yumichika's quest for 'slim fit', than five stores ago. Unfortunately, all jeans that fit the description didn't have enough room to accommodate Yumichika's balls. "Just cut them off, it's a gigai anyway," he suggested carelessly and that's how he ended up carrying all the bags.
"Your boyfriend?" continued the girl, moving her hips to add some additional flavor to a simple question. Was she doing it out of boredom, just because they were the only customers?
He should be nice to the locals, Ikkaku reminded himself, especially when the locals try to be nice to him. It wasn't the girl's fault she wasn't the first one for today making passes. Neither was she the second one. Why couldn't they hit on Yumi for a change? No one ever hit on Yumi and he couldn't figure why the world was so unfair.
"He's got a boyfriend. I'm his moneybag."
"Oh," the girl said, her eyes widened as she thought about this exciting arrangement. "And you're all right with it?"
"I haven't been this happy since the Meiji Restoration."
He said nothing funny, yet the girl laughed. The door to the fitting room opened and Yumichika pushed the jeans out. To Ikkaku's relief Yumichika's boxers were still on. Two stores ago the boxers were mysteriously lost. Who'd think the locals could scream so loudly.
"If I recall correctly, we haven't made our acquaintance until after the Restoration."
"That's how I can tell when I was happy."
Yumichika switched his attention to the jeans on the floor. "They all would cut my balls off within a day according to your vile wishes. I think there's a conspiracy going on here."
The girl started picking up the clothes. "But what do you usually wear, sir?"
"Hakama." Yumichika looked at his boxers with resentment, but refrained from going into the details about what he usually wore under hakama. "Comfy, no rustling, lots of room..." and Yumichika sighed heavily.
"Oh!" The girl jumped to her feet. "You do archery, don't you? I can just picture you with a bow." She threw the jeans back on the floor and assumed a shooting position that was pretty accurate, as far as Ikkaku could tell. She pulled the string of her imaginary bow and Ikkaku had to admit the girl suddenly looked interesting. Maybe he should not have been so rude. And if she had a real bow and arrows, she'd look hot... very much like a miko, he figured and chased the thought away before Yumichika could read it on his face.
"You'd look absolutely fabulous!" the girl added, and Ikkaku's trained mind presented him the visual of Yumichika in full glory. Holding a bow.
"Huh?" Yumichika was moving his eyes from Ikkaku to the girl and back again.
Ikkaku let out a muffled laugh. He might have imagined Yumi first, but the faces of their fellow division members came next. And after he saw, clear as a day, Hisagi's expressions, cascading from dumbfounded to predatory within about five seconds, he couldn't hold it any longer.
"What's so funny, Ikkaku?"
"Your Shuu-chan would have a major kick out of it," he said, ready to block the right hook.
He was not ready for a wide soft smile though. "You really think so?"
"Positive."
"Ikkaku, when we get home, would you make me a bow? Please? Would you?"
What? Yumichika must've gone absolutely insane to think he'd make him a bow. Ikkaku had a snappy comeback, he had two, three, four... and he couldn't say any of them, not to that face. Shit! How the hell did it happen?
Ikkaku cleared his throat.
"I'll make you a bow on one condition, you try and get whatever normal people here buy and wear." He threw a glance towards the salesgirl and she evaporated to the back of the store, taking a hint. "Got it?"
"Got it."
"And on the way back we'll get another pair of these polar bear pants."
"Why?"
"'Cause it's nice to bring gifts home, that's why! Asshole!"